Son can’t afford to live at home but we have no space for him

[nomorestripes]

My son (27) moved out at 21 to live with his girlfriend and when that didn’t work out he rented a room in a shared house, he has always worked but lived hand to mouth and now he has lost his job.

He can’t afford to rent his room anymore as he is only going to get £400 a month in benefits and his housing benefit won’t cover all his £600 rent leaving a short fall of about £200, his car insurance is about £100 a month which he needs to get a job and his phone is about £50 a month which he needs to get a job and his car tax is due this month so even paying that monthly it all comes to more than he will receive.
I don’t have the means to support him as I am a full time carer for my disabled 4 year old.
My husband is not his dad and we only have a 2 bed house as our 4 year old was born after he moved out so now has his old room.
We have no space for him and I can’t expect my husband who is the only earner on a low wage to support a grown adult as well as his own wife and child.

He has mentioned that he might have to move back home but realistically we have a tiny lounge with a small corner sofa and two bedrooms so we don’t have room and if we did have our 4 year old in with us we have no idea how long that would be and he would be in no position to contribute financially and we only just scrape by as it is.
But… he’s my son and I need to help him as he is trying so hard to find a job and although this is his first month so he still has his wages left once his benefits start coming in he will not be able to afford his room.
I am so worried for him but I just don’t know how we can make it work, supporting him will be too much for my husband with no end date in sight.

Quite. Although if it meant that I couldn't look after the child I already had if it ever came to it, I wouldn't have been having another one almost a quarter of a century later with another man. That was a choice the OP made.

So are you suggesting that everyone, including those who are renting, should keep all their bedrooms free in case any or all of their adult children need to return home at some point in the future? So no downsizing then?

Who needs a bedroom?

Mum, ive lost my job and I cant afford my rent. I need help.

Pack up your stuff and come home. You can kip on the sofa/air mattress while you find another job. Chip in what you can for food, im a bit skint myself.

Not sure what that's got to do with the OPs situation but they're on pheasant where we live. All used for food either by the shooters themselves or the pub across the road.

100s of people going for the same job 😞

My bright, lovely and motivated 16yr old has applied for over 30 weekend/evening jobs (whilst studying for her A levels) and has been rejected from all of them 😞

Your younger son has additional needs. Your older son needs support to avoid becoming homeless.

They're both still your boys.

If it puts your marriage under a strain it can't survive, that's not really a marriage worth having.

I find it baffling that your husband really can't live with not sitting up late watching TV on the sofa for a few months. It's not ideal. Of course it's not ideal. Your house isn't large enough for all those humans, all of your resources are stretched - time, space, money...

But the alternative - your son ends up in insecure accommodation/has to experience homelessness to qualify for housing - isn't ideal either.

But sure. As long as The Man Of The House gets to control the remote control until 1am, everyone's happy.

I took my son in when he needed it. I bought a cube chair bed and he slept on that. You can't turn your back on him.

I pay £8 a month for my mobile services and it's all unlimited.

It's never a good idea to get on benefits especially at such a young age.
It trains the brain in an unbeneficial way, not just for him, his younger brother but the society as a whole. The absence of his biological father will not help either. It teaches lack of responsibility.

When a youngster gets their first job, their priority should be gaining experience and saving, not access to on-demand sex. Self-control and discipline are virtues that will serve him throughout his life.

A recent graduate/leaver, should stay home, build their career and treasure/war chest, then move when they have that savings, so that even when he/she looses their job they can go for a temp role to cover basic expenses and keep the habit of work routine going. Junior roles, carer, supermarket, shop, admin, events, retrain explore all.

Then hopefully progress a current relationship to marriage or build one with someone of similar minds.

He's your son and family comes first. It's either you take care of him or the tax payers do. He should move in with his brother. Learn/help to care for him, as he would his own child, build a stronger bond with him and get any legitimate job he can find. Even this experience will teach him, strengthen him and prepare him for his own family. It's better he experiences the fleeting nature of money now while he has no children or wife but if he fails to experience the discomfort he wouldn't know how to make hay while the sun shines and plan for the rainy days. PS: the economy is set to get much worse. He can aspire to get benefits and Council housing or learn from this and aim higher.

This is an opportunity for him to build not just his own resilience and future, but also build stronger bonds with his step father and half brother and prepare for his future.

My son has left college and deferred uni because he doesn't know whether he NEEDS the debt of a degree.

He has applied for countless jobs and in the vast majority of cases, doesn't even receive acknowledgement of his application.

When he has secured interviews, entry level roles - apprenticeships, trainees, minimum wage stuff - are going to graduates because there are no jobs for them either.

The job market is SHITE for young people.

I'm suggesting that if you choose to have a child then you put yourself in the best position possible to support that child if they ever need your help.

I won't relax until mine have their own homes, preferably mortgage free, and sufficient resources to support their own children if needs be. Then we may look at downsizing but tbh I'm not sure I'd want to live anywhere smaller myself. I've never been keen on renting and had my first 100% mortgage sorted just before I left university in 2001, years before I even met my ex dh or had children. I worked in a bar on top of the day job to pay said mortgage at one point. The last house we bought for cash as dp had taken a similar view throughout his life. As I said, its all about choices!

I dont have a spare bedroom. I have a very small 2 up 2 down. But I have a sofa, and I would never see my step DC on the streets! I'd give them the chance to prove themselves first, if they were lazy and rude and unwilling to look for a job then different conversations.

If you have a roof over your head you have room for your child. Everyone having their own room is fairly recent phenomenon.

If your housing benefit has a deduction your son will need to cover that from his benefits. Also if you're overcrowded he can apply for local authority housing. As for your husband's TV watching, well he'll have to suck it up. It seems like you're looking for excuses not to house your son. Your marriage should be strong enough to survive a temporary inconvenience.

I would give him the sofa. No it won’t be easy but he carries on looking for work even temp Christmas work. He moves out once he is back on his feet with a stready income. I would always have space for my children of some form no matter how old they are.

Exactly this. I was just using my example to demonstrate how in the forefront of our minds our adult children were when making quite a big decision. Which as usual got taken out of context immediately but its exactly this point - your home should always be home to your children, too!

If he came back and slept on the sofa, he could contribute £100 per month towards food. That would leave him with £150 after his car insurance and phone and that will just have to be enough until he gets a job. You say he is making lots of effort to find work so hopefully it won't take too long. If you son wants dinners and you don't get him to cook and make enough for more than one day. Explain how tight the food budget is and that it will still be tight even with his contribution. He will manage/find cheap ways to eat.

I couldn't be with a man who wouldn't accept my son living with us during a period of short term hardship. Your husband will just have to watch TV in bed while he is there (using headphones/sleep masks/ear plugs if you have different sleep schedules. Don't assume he cannot help with your DD either. He is 27. By now he could easily have a 4 yo disabled DD of his own and would cope then.

My son will always have a home with me if he needs it. While I plan to downsize once he is done with uni, is working and has his own home, I will make sure I could accommodate him although if he comes back in his late 20's after a few years way that would likely be with much less space than he currently has.

I noticed a lot of people are saying he doesn't need to be spending £50 on a phone but it is likely he has been tied into a contract which included the phone itself. Not much he can do about that in the short term, although once his contract is up, encourage him to move to a £10 contract.

I knew what you meant. If youre able to plan for having your kids back then why not do that, most normal people understand how difficult the world is for young people right now with employment, cost of living etc. They may need to come home.

You've absolutely done the right thing and people having a go at you are "race to the bottom" types who resent anyone better off than them.

Sounds to me you'd have your kids back even without that 3rd bedroom, which is exactly the point, yes!

Exactly. As someone else said earlier, even if I was living in a cardboard box I'd share it with them!

They can't, that's the point, many people think benefits are a lovely comfortable lifestyle, don't believe everything your told by the media.

Please can you tell us if that’s a contract and what phone you use? I’d love this for my daughter.

He needs you while he gets back on his feet. No way am I turning my kids away whatever age they are. A bit of discomfort now until he can move out.

Your son needs to urgently move out to your s ofa and bag up his stuff. He can pay for his weekly food to you f ro m univ credit and cover his car and mobile hopefully. He could do e.g. Delivero o Uber Eats Just Eat usually fairly easy to get once moved over to yours. The jobs not everybody wants. They pay weekly. He should also consider warehouse jobs and security jobs through Indeed and agencies in your area. If temporary contracts they pay weekly also. Again sorry to say it get him to pitch low in order to obtain work fast. Good luck.

I pay £8 a month for my mobile services and it's all unlimited.

Who is your provider @Maggispice ? I pay more than that.

I assume paying £50 a month is to pay for the phone as well as the service. Not everyone can afford to buy a phone outright then get a cheap SIM card.

That's just awful - it's horrendous isn't it? 💐💐

This sums it up !