Son can’t afford to live at home but we have no space for him

[nomorestripes]

My son (27) moved out at 21 to live with his girlfriend and when that didn’t work out he rented a room in a shared house, he has always worked but lived hand to mouth and now he has lost his job.

He can’t afford to rent his room anymore as he is only going to get £400 a month in benefits and his housing benefit won’t cover all his £600 rent leaving a short fall of about £200, his car insurance is about £100 a month which he needs to get a job and his phone is about £50 a month which he needs to get a job and his car tax is due this month so even paying that monthly it all comes to more than he will receive.
I don’t have the means to support him as I am a full time carer for my disabled 4 year old.
My husband is not his dad and we only have a 2 bed house as our 4 year old was born after he moved out so now has his old room.
We have no space for him and I can’t expect my husband who is the only earner on a low wage to support a grown adult as well as his own wife and child.

He has mentioned that he might have to move back home but realistically we have a tiny lounge with a small corner sofa and two bedrooms so we don’t have room and if we did have our 4 year old in with us we have no idea how long that would be and he would be in no position to contribute financially and we only just scrape by as it is.
But… he’s my son and I need to help him as he is trying so hard to find a job and although this is his first month so he still has his wages left once his benefits start coming in he will not be able to afford his room.
I am so worried for him but I just don’t know how we can make it work, supporting him will be too much for my husband with no end date in sight.

I couldn’t agree more

So because you know one person who easily secured jobs in London, you extrapolate that to mean that everyone can easily get a job anywhere in the country?!

This person is just a horrible troll, not only do they not have an ounce of compassion, they dismiss disabilities and dont understand the concept anecdotal evidence isn't proof of anything.

Honestly this thread in its entirety has given me good insight into why there are so many damaged adults walking around.

That’s BS. Many people who live hand to mouth would do anything to support their adult children. I live in a working class community where there is a lot of poverty, people around here would give you have a loaf, if they had on one loaf. Family is very important.

No I am not referring to carers allowance. Wrong again.
DCA is paid for the child when parents work too. Not every person who receives disability has a carer. DCA is a non means tested payment. Like DLA.

Yes squeeze him in. He knows it is temporary. He can contribute with the benefit s he will receive. If he has a contract for his phone it will be difficult to stop payments. Surely he would have to finish paying for his phone. Getting employment these days is very difficult. Small businesses have to pay more to employ people and this restricts employment. However, he has always been employed so this shows he is resourceful. Take each step at a time. Does your dh get on with him? Hope so as this would make things easier. Do hope all works out well.

I am not religious OP. But could tour DS visit his local church and ask if anyone there could take him in?

Have we gone back to 1883?

They don't reflect the real rental costs anywhere tbh. It's meant to be 30th percentile of lowest local rates but where I live you can't rent anything for the amount set, the cheapest would be about £400/month over LHA.

Yikes, he's 27. There will be other places he can rent that his housing benefit will cover.

The fact that most people think YABU when he is, I repeat, closer to 30 than 20, is a sign of why we're raising a generation of snowflakes! He's a grown-ass man!

He's a grown-ass man!

With ADHD, which is why he is in the pickle he is in now.

@nomorestripes has your son been able to get any help to manage his ADHD from the GP? Is that an option?

So do I. I left home at 18 and have always stood on my own two feet.

My son also has (severe severe) ADHD. Whilst he'll definitely need help getting set up when he does leave, it will absolutely be a one way street. I don't intend to baby him forever.

So if he lost his job/home you’d see him on the street?

As a proud aunt to a young adult nephew with ADHD, who finds life a struggle but keeps on doing his best - first with education and now work, managing finances, car etc, I think your comment "everyone has ADHD" is horrible and dismissive of the real difficulties that he and others with ADHD strive to overcome on a daily basis in order to fit in.

Wow, so that’s it, you’d never help him out, your job is done?

My children will have a home with me until I take my last breath if they need it. My father was the same, I knew I always had him to fall back on in life and that was such a comforting feeling that actually gave me confidence.

My in laws are the same way.

My EX in-laws were like you. My ex husband and his brothers were expected to leave home at 18 and never return. 2 moved abroad and were only permitted to come and stay for a visit for a maximum of 7 days. Funnily enough, ex and his siblings all had massive issues.

Also that poster says their dd managed to just walk into a job, that turned out to have poor vetting process (working with kids!) and they were desperate. 😏 By that standard then I’d say there’s plenty of jobs out there if you want to be exploited, in fact there’s a whole (illegal) industry supplying hotel workers and maids etc so stop complaining people!

Your daughter got a job in a school looking after a very vulnerable child just like that,no references ,DBS?
Yes i find that very hard to beleive.

How horrible. Glad I’m not your kind of parent. One day you’ll need someone to baby you, it won’t obviously be him, but it will be someone. Unless you think you’re immune to ever needing the assistance of another human and you’ve found the cure for all diseases.

Your poor son. Babying him is not giving him a roof over his head while he sorts himself out. Its the bare minimum a parent should do.

The lad in question has been living out of home for 6 years independently, she isnt babying him for providing a much needed temporary safety net.

There are so many people on here who shouldn't have had children. Seeing your own child on the streets to prove a point is terrible parenting no matter their age.

I have ADHD and am extremely independent, I moved out and supported myself from the age of 16. That doesn't mean I can't have sympathy for someone else who has fallen on hard times.

These will be the ones in their nursing home complaining their child never visits. Is it any wonder?? Narcissism of the highest order.

As with the autism quote - when you have met one person with ADHD, you have met one person with ADHD.

The "I did it so why can't you?" posts are particularly unhelpful, because we aren't all the same.

I don't have any ND traits as far as I know, but at least I have the emotional intelligence to understand that no-one with ND traits is the same as another person with ND traits. You obviously recognise that your son needs extra support so I don't understand why that doesn't compute with the OP's predicament.

I am also aware of how some people really don't have a financial cushion, how brutal the job and rental market is and how much more difficult it is to just walk into a job/acquire a room in 2026 than it was even a few years ago.

This! I cannot grasp what is going on in the heads of women that put a man in front of their own children. You need to make space for your son, you're his mother, that doesn't stop once he reaches the age of 18.

When we bought our house last year, it was a given that we would have a room available for all our sons (we have 3 between us) in case they ever needed a home. The two 18 year olds have both left home and are working their way around the world now in gap years and the (my)16 year old lives with us. He's at college so not really earning (he'll get the odd day's beating now its getting into the season, we also live rurally) and my dp, not his dad, treats him like his own and actually quite spoils him. All the kids have an excellent relationship with both their parents and for someone to say they 'don't know' their child's dad now actually makes my skin crawl - your poor son deserves better from both his parents. If you can't even get a hot meal together for him then I'm sorry, you need to sort yourself out!

Wow! This thread has certainly been an eye opener.

The husband/stepdad painted as some kind of interloper who should be got rid of to free up living space for the return of an adult child.

The lack of nuance.

Repeated suggestions of acquiring a caravan and parking it in the garden when there have been no enquiries into whether there is any money to buy a caravan or whether the OP has a front or back garden large enough for a caravan, or whether her social housing or private tenancy permits the parking of caravans in the front garden or whether the property has restrictive covenants on caravans.

"He could apply for driving/delivery jobs." when OP has said he has points on his license which may limit the companies he could approach.

I wish posters would slow down and read the OP's posts before diving in.

"When we bought our house last year, it was a given that we would have a room available for all our sons (we have 3 between us) in case they ever needed a home."

Well that is a luxury that not everyone has.

"He's at college so not really earning (he'll get the odd day's beating now its getting into the season, we also live rurally). . ."

Won't someone think of the grouse?