Son can’t afford to live at home but we have no space for him

[nomorestripes]

My son (27) moved out at 21 to live with his girlfriend and when that didn’t work out he rented a room in a shared house, he has always worked but lived hand to mouth and now he has lost his job.

He can’t afford to rent his room anymore as he is only going to get £400 a month in benefits and his housing benefit won’t cover all his £600 rent leaving a short fall of about £200, his car insurance is about £100 a month which he needs to get a job and his phone is about £50 a month which he needs to get a job and his car tax is due this month so even paying that monthly it all comes to more than he will receive.
I don’t have the means to support him as I am a full time carer for my disabled 4 year old.
My husband is not his dad and we only have a 2 bed house as our 4 year old was born after he moved out so now has his old room.
We have no space for him and I can’t expect my husband who is the only earner on a low wage to support a grown adult as well as his own wife and child.

He has mentioned that he might have to move back home but realistically we have a tiny lounge with a small corner sofa and two bedrooms so we don’t have room and if we did have our 4 year old in with us we have no idea how long that would be and he would be in no position to contribute financially and we only just scrape by as it is.
But… he’s my son and I need to help him as he is trying so hard to find a job and although this is his first month so he still has his wages left once his benefits start coming in he will not be able to afford his room.
I am so worried for him but I just don’t know how we can make it work, supporting him will be too much for my husband with no end date in sight.

Muppets suggesting he just sell his car? If they love remotely and he’s actively job searching surely he needs a car! Helpfully he’ll only be out of work a few weeks/months.

Concerning isn’t it, I have noticed they also don’t realise if you cancel your car insurance you don’t receive a refund of the premium, plus the son would then need to teleport to work.

She’s also said her DH is paying into a pension for her. Gets £1.2k DLA, his earnings £40k pa, +Child Benefit, +Carers Allowance and UC/help with housing so will not be far off.

OP seems the type that will always plead ‘just scraping by’ yet that’s all in more than many families. More than a family with 2 parents working 30 hours but no dla for example.

The crackers and cheese for dinner by candle 🕯️ picture I’m not buying at all. If she wanted to she’d make it work with DS but all seems a massive inconvenience to her. OP doesn’t want DS to ‘destroy’ her new family end of. Sure she says as much:

I thought his housing benefit would cover his rent while he looked for work, I had no idea his misfortune would have such an impact on our family and the hardship that it will cause us will probably destroy us.

The half brother who is messy and struggles to find work (perhaps because of ADHD) over the dad successfully working 60 hour weeks, year in year out, to feed his family?

I don't buy that for a second.

Most of us I think could read into OP's posts and guess that he isnt going to be a reasonable house mate or part of the family. Thats why she is hesitant. She'll be at home all day trying to care for her younger child while she has probably a rude untidy messy grown man also making demands on her and she is worried she may not cope

I completely symapthise with her about that and think some of these replies to her are shocking

Rude and messy people dont just change like that, they are what they are.

Yep, and a whole host of other things which always make me realise what a lovely bubble some people must live in.

OP - I’m not sure what you wanted from this thread?

You don’t want him to come and live with you. You seem pretty set on that, for whatever reasons.

I don’t know what you are expecting people to tell you?

I think many of us realised there is something more about him that makes it very difficult to share space with him

I would look at every other contingency first, certainly clarifying the benefit situation first to see if he can afford the room he is in so that he can remain there while job searching and I would absolutely say that he has to get rid of the car in order to continue to have a buffer for the rent. If he isnt living in the countryside with you, he can use public transport.

A lot of people here have no idea of the very thin ice many people, especially younger ones, are skating on nowadays. It's not easy to move to a cheaper place of one even exists as he would need the massive deposit and rent up front. Deposits don't arrive back immediately if you move. As mentioned. You can't just escape phone contracts though I agree it's foolish to take a high one out in the first place. Homelessness is high especially for young men and is easy to spiral downwards. Jobs are hard to get and jobs with decent hours are even harder as there are so many zero hour or low hour contracts. This young man needs help from his family temporarily. Without that help things could end badly for him. I hope he will manage but suicide is also high in this demographic when they feel lost and unable to move forward . In my area several young men have taken this way out recently. I hope his mother is prepared to live with the outcomes and he isn't too broken by the fact that his family won't help when needed.

Whilst this is true there is also a middle ground of people who do not live in a bubble but also have not had to personally deal with extreme financial hardship.

If you contact a phone company explain your financial hardship (usually helps if you have Step Change or Citizens Advice involved) they can offer various help with your contract. They are not legally obliged to but often do. This goes for many companies as they would rather help at that stage and still get some money than have you enter into an IVA or go bankrupt and get very little/nothing.

Everybody is struggling to find work at the moment

Your husband earns over £3k a month. That’s not a low wage. Why are you only eating crackers as a meal? I’m a single mum, no benefits and earn £2.5k a month. I don’t live on snacks.

Move the 4 year old in with you and let your son have the other bedroom until he finds another job. Your priority should be your son and him being at risk of homelessness, not how this will affect your marriage. 23 years is a huge age gap between children but he’s still your child!

Full DLA is not 1.2k / month its £778 every 4 weeks

He doesnt live remotely. Read the thread.

Ok fine but it still doesn’t make sense to sell his car for what should hopefully be a few weeks blip. You’d hope his mum would put herself out for a few weeks.

Apologies. £1.2k pcm is DLA + Carers.

Sounds like OP is worried about "D"H kicking off.

You don' t understand ADHD. It can be very disabling.

I do think this explains the lack of food as well, scared to spend enough money to feed herself and her child properly.

What do you think ADHD is then ?

It can’t be much of a marriage if he is working 60 hours a week, staying up late alone on the sofa watching TV. He sounds like a lodger.
He done well bagging himself a home with you.

Are you reading the same thread or just falling for OP’s many excuses.

Looking for validation for not accommodating him? Op does not have space or capacity to do so. Maybe he needs to look on spareroom etc. or is he likely to be difficult to live with. Does he need SS or MH support? If he has a car then are there any temporary retail jobs he could access?

In which case, he needs to realise his choices are tidy up and stop being rude or be homeless. Quite simple really.

That’s my point. She’s already made her choice. And advice has been met with excuses. She knows she doesn’t want to put him up and that’s okay, that’s her choice.