Son can’t afford to live at home but we have no space for him

[nomorestripes]

My son (27) moved out at 21 to live with his girlfriend and when that didn’t work out he rented a room in a shared house, he has always worked but lived hand to mouth and now he has lost his job.

He can’t afford to rent his room anymore as he is only going to get £400 a month in benefits and his housing benefit won’t cover all his £600 rent leaving a short fall of about £200, his car insurance is about £100 a month which he needs to get a job and his phone is about £50 a month which he needs to get a job and his car tax is due this month so even paying that monthly it all comes to more than he will receive.
I don’t have the means to support him as I am a full time carer for my disabled 4 year old.
My husband is not his dad and we only have a 2 bed house as our 4 year old was born after he moved out so now has his old room.
We have no space for him and I can’t expect my husband who is the only earner on a low wage to support a grown adult as well as his own wife and child.

He has mentioned that he might have to move back home but realistically we have a tiny lounge with a small corner sofa and two bedrooms so we don’t have room and if we did have our 4 year old in with us we have no idea how long that would be and he would be in no position to contribute financially and we only just scrape by as it is.
But… he’s my son and I need to help him as he is trying so hard to find a job and although this is his first month so he still has his wages left once his benefits start coming in he will not be able to afford his room.
I am so worried for him but I just don’t know how we can make it work, supporting him will be too much for my husband with no end date in sight.

Why are you assuming this young man is dragging his feet about finding work? OP said he's always worked.

And as for the phone, as pps have pointed out, if he's locked into a contract he can't just switch to something cheaper.

ok i can see how my post came across as overly harsh, but the answer is he has to get a job. end of story.

No amount of bleating for help on a message board is going to change that.

I sympathise with how hard things are, and my centrist views believe there should be a better safety net but for the past 50 years the polity has demonised benefits claiming and have made the safety net wafer thin, thats not my fault and i make no claims whether this is the rioght course of action or not.

OP are you in social housing? Guessing so. Tenancy if applicable will have been issued to house you and your DS originally. It’s his childhood home and not his fault you married and after 23 years had another child. Not your DDs fault either but your DH is benefiting from an asset originally obtained due to you having your DS and FWIW chances are but for your DS you wouldn’t have got the property.

Can your son apply for pip if his adhd impacts on his life?

id help him look at the benefits he’s entitled to and see if he could afford to stay where he is or something cheaper

People can fall on hard times at any stage in their lives.

It doesn’t seem practical for him to move in from what you’ve said. I understand people saying he’s your son and you should make it work. Equally what if he didn’t have you to fall back on? He’d have to find a solution. And yes he can sleep on the sofa or an airbed but it’s not just making space for a person, it’s all his belongings too. I have 4 children and would always do what I can for them but some situations are very hard and the best decision isn’t always the one that feels right.

Are you replying to the post you intended to reply to? My reply that you quoted was to someone else. But again, as I said to the pp, why are you assuming the son isn't making efforts to get a job?

And you'd still be comfortable with that view if the upshot was someone ending up on the streets? Because sometimes that's what happens when someone is left in a position where they 'have to find a solution'.

This isn’t 2006 where you can pop in somewhere with your cv and you’ve got another job the next day. I think he’s trying to find a job and has only been out of work for a few weeks. I know mn hates men and boys at times but ffs let’s not kick a man when he’s down. I couldn’t leave my ds out on the streets like that,27 or not!

Housing costs are through the roof. Perhaps fluttering his eyelashes at the landlord won’t help. Maybe he’s in a fixed contract so can’t just change over? Maybe his own mum can inconvenience herself for a few weeks?

This sounds more like an op problem. She’s the one who doesn’t want him there. She’s making excuses by the looks of it

Op has looked up the local housing allowance and there will be a shortfall of £200/month. After car insurance and his phone he will have about £75/month for food, fuel, other bills, etc.

30 plus years as a single mum. Your DP has only been around for the last 6/7 years then? Your youngest is 4?

Who's house is it? Did your DP move in with you? You have no debts so is your house mortgage free?

A PP calculated you have almost 4k a month coming in. Is that correct? And no debts to pay? Many families manage with much less.

Do your parents have room for your eldest to stay? If he's lived alone for all this time he might be a better house guest now.

If your DH is working such long hours they won't see each other either.

You need to let him stay at yours until her gets a job, even if he sleeps on the floor. He can apply for retail jobs for now as they are hiring and looking for Christmas temp staff, especially in food stores.

I know two store managers around Pinner and Islington, one is family and one is a very close friend - let me know if your son can work there location wise and I can help x

LHA (local housing allowance) has never been in line with market value. Not when I was claiming housing benefit 25 years ago and not now. There is always a shortfall.

LHA in my area for a two bed is £1,200 a month. The actual market rent of a two bedroom flat is £1,500 - £1,700.

It has always been the reality.

Or worse, sadly. This young man has always worked, yet lived hand to mouth. Did the right thing but thanks to our tanked economy got no further forward. No other close family. OP clear she has a new family that he has no place in. +Relationship breakdown. ND/ADHD. Losing home. Bills to pay. Not wanted by wider family. Not yet secured another post. So all in he’s in a really bad and isolated position and I’d be worried he gets to the what’s the point stage.

He can go to the council and present himself as homeless. I’m not saying I wouldn’t help them look for a solution, or that I’d see them homeless. But it isn’t as simple as an adult child just sleeping on a sofa.

Op seems to dislike her son extremely and her attitude towards him sounds cold and callous. Some people don't deserve to be parents.😔

It’s certainly not as simple as rocking up to local council either. Single males last in pecking order. Sure the Glasgow homeless night shelter has 40-50 makeshift tents outside on pavement in one area as no room for all the single males. Irony being OP likely has social housing and secure tenure because of her DS.

People on this site are so fucking clueless 🙃

Exactly this OP. Your son is nearly 30 and will figure this out. You are morally obliged to prioritise your 4 year old and the marriage that supports her. I think there are a lot of people on here with failing marriages and blended families who are turning a blind eye to how damaging THAT is to the children for decades to come. You need to prevent that scenario at all costs for your four year old.

Hi OP 👋

I haven't RTFT just your replies 😇

If you do have him live with you, you will have to be strict and he will have to pay his way.
It will be an incentive for him to find work, as he will be skint! 💯

He will have £400 In benefits, so:
£96.55 (to you for loss of benefit.
£100 for food (as he will want proper meals).
£100 car insurance (his)
£50 phone (his)
£50 fuel for car (for his job interviews)

He will have £3.45 left over.
If he lives with you, he will moan that he is skint.
Yet remind him, that he will have a roof over his head and you will be providing gas/electric/water etc.
He will be fed, watered, warm and dry, with a roof over his head.

He will hopefully be back on his feet before you know it. 🙏
Best of luck OP.
@nomorestripes

She already said the £4k figure was just someone making assumptions and their own calculations and was not correct at all.

Everyone fixated on his phone and suggesting getting a cheaper phone. You know people are tied in to contracts right?