Son can’t afford to live at home but we have no space for him

[nomorestripes]

My son (27) moved out at 21 to live with his girlfriend and when that didn’t work out he rented a room in a shared house, he has always worked but lived hand to mouth and now he has lost his job.

He can’t afford to rent his room anymore as he is only going to get £400 a month in benefits and his housing benefit won’t cover all his £600 rent leaving a short fall of about £200, his car insurance is about £100 a month which he needs to get a job and his phone is about £50 a month which he needs to get a job and his car tax is due this month so even paying that monthly it all comes to more than he will receive.
I don’t have the means to support him as I am a full time carer for my disabled 4 year old.
My husband is not his dad and we only have a 2 bed house as our 4 year old was born after he moved out so now has his old room.
We have no space for him and I can’t expect my husband who is the only earner on a low wage to support a grown adult as well as his own wife and child.

He has mentioned that he might have to move back home but realistically we have a tiny lounge with a small corner sofa and two bedrooms so we don’t have room and if we did have our 4 year old in with us we have no idea how long that would be and he would be in no position to contribute financially and we only just scrape by as it is.
But… he’s my son and I need to help him as he is trying so hard to find a job and although this is his first month so he still has his wages left once his benefits start coming in he will not be able to afford his room.
I am so worried for him but I just don’t know how we can make it work, supporting him will be too much for my husband with no end date in sight.

It's taken you 27 pages, OP, to mention that your son has ADHD.

thats irrelevant

You know what this tells me OP? You have TWO disabled children in need of support. Your son has done incredibly well to have had a job all this time, and managed independent living, as long as he has. Many with ADHD can't do that.

One of mine is at home because he has has some severe medical issues that can prevent him working for periods of time. They don't stop being your child just because they hit that magical age of 18.

He is a 27 year old man with challenges and a disability himself. I don't know how much that impacts him, as I know ADHD can affect people in many different ways. Some children need support in the much longer term. I have a friend with an autistic DD that she has just been able to pull back on financially supporting more in her 30s. It's hard but those are the risks when you choose to have children. Some come with higher needs than others.

Would you do this to your daughter when she is in her twenties? Refuse to let her live with you if the other option is homelessness? Food for thought.

I slept on my mum's sofa for weeks and weeks in my twenties as they only had a 2 bed house. And then I lived with my dad for a month or so, again slept on the sofa or an air bed! Is it ideal? No. But it's just in the short term.

It's not. He's actually done really well compared to a lot of people with ADHD in terms of employment and living out of home.

Do you have space for a cabin/caravan? Probably a silly idea but it might create somewhere for him to sleep?

Have you checked to ensure you are claiming all the benefits you are able to - DLA for daughter, carers allowance for yourself etc? Speak to citizens advice.

Of course it is! OP should support her son whether he is ND or not! It’s her son ffs 😡

Well, yes, can't disagree with that. Sorry, I interpreted it as you being dismissive of the ADHD. That just adds another layer. I do agree she should support her son regardless though.

My brother lived with me in similar circumstances, shared my 2 year olds room, my ex from decades ago, was was fine about it.
More recently, that same 2 yr old, now grown, moved in with us (myself and his step dad of 40 years) during the pandamic. We have a small house but our kids will always have a home if they need one.
My mother was a cold hearted self centered excuse of a parent, I vowed my kids would always feel loved.

Selfish. Share your food! Buy more potatoes, son can go to a food bank. So what if he's there? Will your husband turn out his own child if he was in dire straits? The guy needs a place to a shelter. How would you like to be homeless and unloved?

Personally I could never allow my son to be homeless, he will always be my baby no matter his age. And I’m sure he’d rather sleep in the bath than be homeless.

It may be worth looking into a crisis and resilience fund payment - it’s offered by the local council and will top up the housing allowance offered by universal credit for a temp period of time. It would need to be applied for asap as can take a while but may be sorted by the time his wages run out. It mah also be worth him signing up with recruitment agencies to do agency work - it won’t be ideal or perfect but it’s better than nothing until he finds a permanent job. Good luck to your son I have everything crossed for him x

OP, literally why did you bother posting this thread? You've been determined from the outset that you're going to prioritise your husband's comfort over your son's, so why ask for opinions on the matter? It doesn't speak too well of your husband either, that you think he won't want your son there. He should be concerned about him too.

Your poor son. When I was nearly 30 I had to move back in with my parents for a bit after a job and relationship both ended at the same time. Shit happens, even more so nowadays than when I had to move back home. I can't imagine how rejected I'd have felt if my parents had said I couldn't stay with them while I got myself sorted. I get it about all the difficulties you'd face, and it does sound like it would be really tough, but it doesn't sound impossible. This is your son and I can't believe you'd leave him homeless.

Unfortunately most parents of severlely disabled children do separate eventually. If the 4yo needs are that great the family will be entitled to DLA work £200 pw and OP can claim carers allowance on top of any UC. The system actually looks after single mothers of disabled children reasonably well. Over your daughters life time the half brother is likely to be more use than her Dad in supporting you and caring for her.

I would put his exact situation into entitled dot com and see how much new style job seekers and housing he is entitled to

i very much doubt it’s just the £95.55 a week jsa

he will get a housing element in top of that which will vary from area to area - but cover a room rental ( but not the included bills)

the SAR rate should be around £425 approximately ontop of his £95 jsa

so he’d be getting approximately £864 a month - not £400

Have a look at other rentals. Housing benefit is based on local rent prices, yes the lower ones but it’s certainly possible to find a room that’s within price surely? Life is hard for young people financially, a lot harder than our generation housing wise. My eldest is 33, would I want him to move in? Not really, he is pretty lazy and I wouldn’t be allowing that, so wouldn’t want that conflict in our relationship. But of course he will always have a bed in my home, no matter how old he gets. Same for my other DC. I get its not great for your DH, but he is going to have to suck it up for a while.

£50 is too much for a phone. He can have an old one for less than £10 a month.

He has to get a job. Stack shelves, work on the bins, anything.

It's hard out there I appreciate that sorry if this sounds harsh but life is hard. Get on with it. It's easy for him to find excuses but knuckle up.

Why not tell him he has 2 months in your sofa and check he is applying for jobs. 15 a day. If he doesn't get one he does not need a car.

Also confused, 60 hours a week + DLA + Carer's Allowance = £1,013.65, and you say there's also UC payments / housing benefit.

Quick solution would be fold-away bed with cover for the lounge. Get a telly for your bedroom if your husband likes to watch late. Wear ear-plugs.

Oh dear. It sounds like him staying with you would barely be workable, certainly not ideal.

Well, there's been some good advice on here. Maybe you'll find a suggestion or two here to pass along to him. It's possible he'll figure something else out and won't even need to stay with you at all.

And even if he does, since he's worked continuously, I don't think it's necessarily accurate that he'll only be able to make an insufficient wage or be there for a long time.

I don't think you're being unreasonable but I feel like you might be focusing on "worst case scenario" when it really might be just fine, without you needing to take him in at all, or at least not as bad of a situation as what you're worrying about right now. Hope it works out for you.

So DH is working 60 hours a week, on minimum wage = c.£40k a year?

That would be equivalent of 10 hours a day over 6 days. 30 hours is classed as full time by the DWP so be same too as if both parents are working 30 but something doesn’t add up.

UC reduces by 55p for every additional £1 of take home earnings above household's work allowance. That’s why working fewer hours can increase UC. Is he getting paid cash in hand for some? Why would he not work slightly less if you’re no better off to help OP with DD?

OP clearly doing the heavy lifting there but not sure after 60 hours +commute time where DH gets the energy to want to watch hours of TV late at night after his hearty meal of crackers and cheese!?

Something off about this whole thread. Feel very sorry for the DS. He doesn’t seem that loved or supported by any of his so called family.

I would work on his GPs. How can they refuse to help him when is about to become homeless? Quite frankly I think you are all being horribly selfish. I know you would be in a very difficult position having him live with you and I am not suggesting you'd have to pretend everything was perfect, if course you can have feelings. But moaning about how you will be the ones negatively affected- actually, so will he be. Do you think he really wants to live with a man who isn't his father and sleep on a little sofa and know he is resented? Of course not. You chose to have an additional child knowing you didn't have much space in the house or money. That's your decision of course but surely you must be aware that it is common these days for young people to have to lean on their parents, even when 'proper adults'? You didn't know you would have to give up work as you've said but you can't blame your DS either for your misfortune- your DH could earn more than minimum wage, you could have not had to have given up work, your DS could have been born neurotypical. None of those things are his fault either are they?

If it were me and GPs had a spare room I would work on getting them to have him, but being really clear with him about expectations - politeness, tidiness etc, helping them with odd jobs or washing up or whatever, being an independent helpful adult. I would then do my best to support him in getting a new job. If GPs absolutely won't have him then I would have him sleep in 4 y.o.'s room and make it an adventure for your 4yo and make a den she could sleep in (if that's feasible with her health). The other thing I would do is help him apply for support from the council as an emergency backup in case nothing else proves possible.

‘Doesn’t want to support another adult’. But it’s not just a random adult is it, it’s your son. You’re a package deal. I’d never want to be with someone who refuses to support my children, regardless of their age. You have a massive DH problem

He is an adult he needs to think of other options.

Can he get a cheaper room? In my teens my cousin moved in to our spare bedroom while his mum's house was having major works done. Does he have any friends or do you have any friends with a spare room?

The phone is ridiculous, he needs to get a sim only deal. I pay £5 a month for unlimited calls, unlimited texts and more data than I could ever use.

Can he talk to his landlord? If he is a good tenant then the landlord might accept a lower fent on a temporary basis, much easier for the landlord to do that rather than finding a new tenant.