Son can’t afford to live at home but we have no space for him

[nomorestripes]

My son (27) moved out at 21 to live with his girlfriend and when that didn’t work out he rented a room in a shared house, he has always worked but lived hand to mouth and now he has lost his job.

He can’t afford to rent his room anymore as he is only going to get £400 a month in benefits and his housing benefit won’t cover all his £600 rent leaving a short fall of about £200, his car insurance is about £100 a month which he needs to get a job and his phone is about £50 a month which he needs to get a job and his car tax is due this month so even paying that monthly it all comes to more than he will receive.
I don’t have the means to support him as I am a full time carer for my disabled 4 year old.
My husband is not his dad and we only have a 2 bed house as our 4 year old was born after he moved out so now has his old room.
We have no space for him and I can’t expect my husband who is the only earner on a low wage to support a grown adult as well as his own wife and child.

He has mentioned that he might have to move back home but realistically we have a tiny lounge with a small corner sofa and two bedrooms so we don’t have room and if we did have our 4 year old in with us we have no idea how long that would be and he would be in no position to contribute financially and we only just scrape by as it is.
But… he’s my son and I need to help him as he is trying so hard to find a job and although this is his first month so he still has his wages left once his benefits start coming in he will not be able to afford his room.
I am so worried for him but I just don’t know how we can make it work, supporting him will be too much for my husband with no end date in sight.

Has your son checked for jobs in care? I work in care myself and I genuinely acknowledge it is not a job for everyone. Nevertheless, care companies always have vacancies and they are constantly recruiting. If you need a job fast, they're a good bet.

Candidates with driving licences are particularly sought after.

Sounds like he can share his benefits with you and you just need to bring your youngest into your room? Not seeing a problem here. Such a shame if you don't help him.

I was about to suggest care work.

I’ve done it, and detested it (long hours, rubbish pay and mostly treated like crap), but if I’ve ever needed a job quickly, care homes are usually so desperate for staff that they will take anyone on very quickly.

So you have said he is messy and rude and will expect full meals.

Nope.

He can get a hostal. Tell the social he is homeless

He needs to contact the council and say he is at risk of homelessness and ask about discretionary housing payments and any other hardship payments that may be available. He then needs to contact his mobile phone provider and say he can no longer afford the contract as he is unemployed. When he goes to the jobcentre he can ask about foodbanks and other additional support.

You clearly do not want him to move in with you and that is understandable, all the other nonsense about not contributing and expecting to be fed full meals for free were really not necessary. There is a possibility that you/he can prevent this so no need worry about that quite yet. Do the above first, bullshit excuses can come later.

Are the reasons for you not wanting to do this actually the he is messy and rude and will want you to make him meals?

I would say to give him the sofa otherwise, but this does sound pretty rubbish - if you and your parents all thing the messiness and rudeness is too baked in to change.

Its taken her 25 pages and hours of comments to say he's messy and rude. After lots and lots of other excuses. She also won't confirm he's actually said he's expecting meals, so it seems like an assumption.

Surely it would have been in her OP if that was the significant reason. Honestly im just not buying it. Also not particularly hard to implement some house rules - if you are rude or messy you can't stay any more. Simple.

Honestly OP doesn't want him in the house, has started a pointless thread where she's taken nobody's advice, and drip thread new info when it wasn't going as expected.

What a glorious waste of time! Goodnight.

op hasn't said she was in a bad financial situation when she had DS2. she said they've had to make sacrifices in order for him to look after her disabled child which likely means giving up work. or should she have had him adopted out instead of quitting work to look after him in case her adult son ever needed to come home?

He isn’t deliberately messy or rude but he has adhd and can be a bit hectic and rules aren’t his thing, hence he lost his job but he is trying to get another.

We haven’t said he can’t move in, we know he’ll have to move in but we’re having a hard time accepting that as I really don’t think it will be temporary and life as we know it will change considerably as we lose our personal space in the bedroom and lounge but there we have it.
It will take some getting used to but as has been said just have to suck it up.
As I said before it really feels like we are the ones to be penalised for it.

it seems odd to me that you could write this a out your parents, and yet they won't help DS. Makes me wonder what is wrong with how behaviour? linked to why he lost his job at all?

You say you look at your little boys face and know you could never prioritise a man over him.

My son is a 27 year old man and I prioritise my child too.

I couldn’t turn my son away if he fell on hard times. Just because it’s not convenient. I can’t believe you’re even considering it. It’s quite frankly really horrible and upsetting

Did you know you can choose what you read and what you respond to?

Sorry you're in this position Op, me too, my main problem is although DS working, he is struggling with his money so not paid his rent and being evicted (stupid i know).... happy to help him, I have a spare room luckily, but he has a dog and im very allergic to them.
I undersrand when you say about the change in how you will live, and the finances. It's very stressful but I think you have no choice but to house your DS, as do I.... and the dog 😬

Good luck xx

Indeed and I’m sorry I chose to respond here but you clearly need to hear some harsh truths. Get a fucking backbone, your DH doesn’t need to watching or wanking over the TV, your flesh and blood needs and roof over his head!

This may or may not be helpful but search for Forum Housing on line - I’ve no idea what part of the country the OP lives in but I know there are similar organisations to this in other parts of the country.
I’m not saying that the OP’s son would be considered suitable for a room in one of these projects as he currently has a roof over his head and he could technically move back to his mums in the short term, but if push came to shove and he really finds himself with nowhere else to go it’s an option that he might need to consider
Although I’m sure the OP’s life is not an easy one it’s her son I feel sorry for here.It must be awful to have a mum who has made it obvious that she doesn’t want to put up with the inconvenience of having him back home whilst he finds his feet again - talk about hitting a man when he’s down

I really feel for you, nomorestripes.

It sounds impossible. I hope and pray your son is fortunate enough to get a job so will be able to stay put but it is more difficult in rural areas.

How big is your kitchen? Some small houses have quite big kitchens that can take a sofa, telly and coffee table and be another living room. It's just a thought.

Your son must badger the council and housing associations, pleading homelessness. He has a good work record up until now and has been paying rent. Even a studio flat would be something.

Good luck.

I’m surprised that housing benefit won’t cover a room in a shared house. Surely the amount they give out must be based on rental prices in the area. Is he renting somewhere particularly expensive (large room with en suite etc)?

He should see whether he can downgrade to a room that fits within the allowance (maybe a single room in a less desirable area?).

@LBFseBrom it’s not impossible, it’s her flesh and blood! You make it work !

I’m 35 live in rural ish bucks, my insurance is £150 and that’s on a 1.6 focus, nothing fancy. My husband is driving 20 years never had an accident and his is around £100 too.
You would also never get a room where I am for under £500, no matter what the local housing rate is according to the council.

OP he doesn't have to move in. Stop resigning yourself to making his problem into your problem. If he moves in you won't be able to afford to live either and you know your marriage will fail. It's not realistic

This is going to be a life lesson for DS.

He has other relatives. He doesn't have to be close to them, but he does have to swallow his pride and throw himself on their mercy, asking to stay for a few weeks at a time with each of them, sofa surfing.

He has to beg and plead and make himself into someone they can live with. Because the alternative is he's sleeping in his car and believe me, he doesn't want to be doing that until summer comes around. As part of all this he needs to accept others house rules however barmy they may be, he needs to absent himself from their home all day every day and not get under their feet, he needs to buy all his own food, make his meals and clean up after himself in the kitchen, do any practical favours they need him to do while he's there. It goes without saying that he needs to make zero mess anywhere, and clean up after himself properly especially in the bathroom, not having a "that'll do, I CBA" attitude about it.

He's got an attitude problem from what you've said and that's what's going to see him on the streets of he's not careful, not you refusing to have him at your place. His whole sense of entitlement to move in with you and expect to pay nothing and expect to be fed is frankly appalling. He knows your situation and he should be asking if he can stay, not telling you it's happening and expecting to kick his disabled half sibling out of their bedroom!

If he has no official address he needs to register with the council as homeless. He needs to do that now before he's evicted, in case there's something they can do to prevent it and he needs to be evicted legally, not leave voluntarily just because he can't pay. Yes, it'll piss his housemates/landlord off that he's there not paying, but that's no worse than pissing his relatives off! You're not worth less than his friends/landlord.

It's his life and he needs to take the consequences of his misfortune on the chin, not pass the problem onto you to suck up. He can't afford to live and is going to have to use the council's homelessness route. They'll eventually put him in a hostel and help him find a private rental most likely, he'll be very very lucky if he gets social housing but you never know. He has to accept anything they offer him for temporary accommodation however grim it is, they don't ask twice and will discharge their duty towards him if he refuses.

Your life is hard enough OP. Don't end up a single parent to a disabled youngster with a chronically out of work adult DS forever hanging around depressed. Because he will be both those things when rural without a car, because your DH has split and DSs money is needed towards food and utilities and rent.

At the moment you've got a stable home life for yourself, albeit precarious and you need to fight to preserve that. I know he's your DS but he's a grown man now and he's going to have to deal with this situation himself. You can offer emotional support and the occasional shower but in all honesty that's all you're in a position to do.

He needs to lose the phone plan. I saw recently Lebara mobile was doing £2.50/month for 30GB data. Any smart phone will do for finding a job, he doesn't need an iPhone. There's plenty can be bought brand new for less than £100. Or look in somewhere like Backmarket (online) or CEX (shop) for a refurbished one. Libraries also offer free WiFi and free use of computers, he needs to join.

You don't work because you stay at home to care for your disabled daughter. This allows your husband to work. So I'm confused as to why you keep saying it would be your husband supporting your son as opposed to you?

Shocking you can't offer to put him up for a month or so.

Although I'm also struggling with the idea of a 27yr old whose been working full time but has zero assets or savings such that he can't cover £200. Where's all his money gone?

And you too- you're eating shitty cocktail sausages for dinner and bringing in about £4k a month but can't lend him any money?

He cannot move back in with you, and he needs to stop thinking of this as an option.
You do not have the physical space for him. You do not have the financial means to support him. In fact, you will be worse off financially from losing help you currently get, that him moving in would disqualify you from, and probably then be unable to even financially support yourselves.
He is rude and messy to the point family who DO have room, will not take him in. He will have expectations of being cared for rather than being responsible for himself.

He is a 27 year old man who needs to figure this shit out himself. Legally your responsibility to house feed and clothe him ended at 18, given he is not disabled and incapable of working or caring for himself. You are NOT obligated, legally or imo morally, to take him in.

Firstly, he can ask his dad for help. He is as much his parent as you are so has just as much "responsibility" to help him if he is genuinely able (which you are not). If he doesn't think his father is obligated, then he can't reasonably think you are either.

His room he rents, totally get its the cheapest available and he can't move to a cheaper one. As a single male under 35 with no dependents he's only entitled to his local HA's room in a shared house rate of housing benefit, which is not enough to cover full rent. Does he have a guarantor who legally has to take over his rent when he can't pay? Are all tenants in the property liable for the entire properties rent getting paid, and legally obligated to pay his share/shortfall if he doesn't? Has he applied for discretionary housing payment from his local council, who may agree to pay the difference between his rent cost and housing benefit, even if only for a few months? If none of these are applicable, what he needs to do, under his rental agreement and more importantly the renters rights act, is simply not pay the short fall in his rent. He WILL get into arrears, and only after the legal time period stated in the renters rights act, will he have the eviction process started against him. If he gets a job before this point, he can pay off his arrears and avoid eviction. If it goes on long enough that he is eventually evicted, then when bailiffs arrive to kick him out, he presents to the council as homeless. It is important he doesn't leave his housing voluntarily, (such as moving in with you or anyone else) as this will be considered intentional homelessness and void their liability to help him. The process of eviction will take at least 12 months before his is forced out of his room.

Is his phone contract fixed term where he is still paying for the handset as well as his bundle? If so nothing he can do to reduce costs, but if he is on rolling terms for his bundle and owns handset outright, he just needs to give a months notice. He can then get a cheap sim only plan, and even sell his fancy handset and get a cheap phone. If he cancels the direct debit and refuses to pay, his SIM will be shut off, his phone potentially bricked, and he will be taken to court to pay his outstanding contract amount, plus fees and incurred charges, resulting in a CCJ.

He will be getting his £400 a month new style JSA/ UC standard rate as long as he complies with job searching etc as defined in his claimant commitments. He should prioritise first any council tax he's liable for, then (if he really can't sell the car and cancel insurance) not letting his car insurance lapse, as he needs to be covered in case of an accident. Then his food, and the most basic SIM only monthly rolling contract, in a cheap basic handset.

Yes, doing these things can tank his credit score, get him CCJ's and affect his future ability to rent, get credit etc. But it takes time to get to that part in the process and will motivate him to get any job possible, to take payment plans to pay back arrears, accrued debt, etc to prevent this happening, and get back on his own two feet.

His is, under the renters rights act especially, very protected for a long time before he actually ends up homeless.

hi op, sorry if I’m repeating what others have already said, but your son is wrong about his benefit entitlement. He will get around £400 for food, etc (this will be UC once he can’t claim JSA anymore) PLUS the housing element of UC to cover his rent. Enter his postcode to see if this will cover his rent in full, but it should be as his rent seems low: https://lha-direct.voa.gov.uk/.

So he doesn’t have to move in with you, £400 per month (JSA or UC) will tide him over until he finds a new job, and his rent will be covered by the housing element of UC.
While claiming JSA he still needs to claim UC to cover his rent, so he needs to claim asap as it won’t be backdated.