Son can’t afford to live at home but we have no space for him

[nomorestripes]

My son (27) moved out at 21 to live with his girlfriend and when that didn’t work out he rented a room in a shared house, he has always worked but lived hand to mouth and now he has lost his job.

He can’t afford to rent his room anymore as he is only going to get £400 a month in benefits and his housing benefit won’t cover all his £600 rent leaving a short fall of about £200, his car insurance is about £100 a month which he needs to get a job and his phone is about £50 a month which he needs to get a job and his car tax is due this month so even paying that monthly it all comes to more than he will receive.
I don’t have the means to support him as I am a full time carer for my disabled 4 year old.
My husband is not his dad and we only have a 2 bed house as our 4 year old was born after he moved out so now has his old room.
We have no space for him and I can’t expect my husband who is the only earner on a low wage to support a grown adult as well as his own wife and child.

He has mentioned that he might have to move back home but realistically we have a tiny lounge with a small corner sofa and two bedrooms so we don’t have room and if we did have our 4 year old in with us we have no idea how long that would be and he would be in no position to contribute financially and we only just scrape by as it is.
But… he’s my son and I need to help him as he is trying so hard to find a job and although this is his first month so he still has his wages left once his benefits start coming in he will not be able to afford his room.
I am so worried for him but I just don’t know how we can make it work, supporting him will be too much for my husband with no end date in sight.

He doesn't sound awful. I've had a quick read of OP's posts and it seems her DH might have expressed some reasonable reluctance to move another adult in, but he hasn't said no. OP is actually the one who is saying things like "I can't expect my husband to ..." and measuring the impact on her husband, which he may not actually have said is an issue himself.

To quote OP: "Dh has not specifically said he doesn’t want him here but I know he will find it an intrusion, he himself has stated he will have to come back here as he has no other option but while he has accepted that I do know that will feel he is encroaching on his personal space with the there not being any other space to go."

The DH has said the son will have to come back if there is no other option. OP sounds more resistant than the husband does.

Yes he sounds a prince among men...he'd rather see his stepson sleep rough as long as he(DH) can watch tv late into the night. Such compassion. What a selfish prick
And always remembering it was his stepsons home first. He's moved into a mortgage free home which has benefited him tremendously financially

Even if it was 1k less than your 4k figure that's still more than enough to bring the DS into the house and eat a bit more than crackers. Median household income in the UK is 3k a month. Many families if 4 manage on that.

Not saying it's ideal but certainly not a reason to chuck your child out over.

I've done a fair bit of camping in the UK and sleeping outside in the winter full time would be for the seriously hardy and well equipped!

Actually, the husband has said the son will have to come back if there is no other option.

Quoting OP: "Dh has not specifically said he doesn’t want him here but I know he will find it an intrusion, he himself has stated he will have to come back here as he has no other option but while he has accepted that I do know that will feel he is encroaching on his personal space with the there not being any other space to go."

OP is more resistant to it than the husband is.

"I just look at my little boys face and know I could never prioritise a man over him."

You ARE asking OP to prioritise a man (her 27 year old son) over her little child. That is exactly, precisely what you are doing. Because OP has said the marriage will be in danger from the adult son moving in with no exit strategy, and the marriage supports the little child.

I’m not sure what children you are referring to or if you’re suggesting my husband wants access to my 27 year old man so he can abuse him or that after 20 odd years as a single mum I simply cannot be alone?

OP has said the marriage will be in danger. Yet nothing she's reported about the husband seems to support this?

Why not?

Is he extremely rude? Messy? Takes drugs? Must be bad if his own grandparents have said they can’t live with him in a desperate situation like this.

He’ll have to promise them he’ll behave in a way that’s acceptable to them or risk being homeless.

I think it's fair to say she's gone off on a tangent there...

I've read that it's the overall circumstance. Tiny 2 bed house, he is already working 60 hour weeks. Their master bedroom literally fits a double bed and wardrobe, no floor space even for a cot, for example. This makes sense to me.

I think family always need to act as a backstop in these kind of situations. It may not be ideal but he needs a place to sleep. I am not sure what the OP is looking for here.

Jeez, just put him in with his brother.

The first two will be their reasons but no drugs.

Well he'll have to live with you surely, he can sleep on the floor in the front room worst case scenario, it might make him extra determined to take anything that comes his way. Agree with others in that he will likely get another job soon if hes aggressively applying for everything and anything. Once hes in one job he can always pivot and try and get into a better one etc. Also yeah, a brand new iPhone isnt the one if youre practically homeless and on benefits he needs to learn that. But I would take him in i couldn't do that to my son if I trusted he was genuinely worried and looking for work every hour of the day and trying hard. Would say he does probs need his car still for better work opps and not limit himself distance wise.

Or more realistic perhaps. She can't afford to take chances with the marriage that supports the young child, and if she's drawing a margin for error around that, that would also make sense.

I would absolutely rather be alone than be with a man who thought it acceptable to leave my oldest child without a home. So yes that's what im referring to.

Of course I dont think your DH wants access to the 27 year old. Come on, you surely are being facetious.

It is actually even worse to me that you spent 20 plus years single, moved this man into the house you brought your other son up in and then decided DS was no longer as important to you.

So can they not come to an agreement? He promises not to be rude and to be clean and tidy? Ona trial basis at least. Surely he’d rather tidy up and be polite than be homeless?

A parent who's entirely financially dependent on that person might.

This is a terrible situation for everybody - a single low income supporting three people including one with a serious disability, and an adult child who needs help.

He may be tied into the phone contract but even so, that extra won’t make up too much. I wouldn’t see my son struggle like this. It’s not as if he’s lazy he’s worked since he’s been old enough to work and he’s actively looking for a job. I would talk to your husband about helping him until he lands on his feet.

Is there any way he can take on some freelance work while he looks? Always looks better on a CV too if he’s working for himself rather than self employed!

I think I would find a space for him temporarily until he was back on his feet. It will be difficult but he is you son, presumably he will have benefits to contribute to food ect.

Its just another excuse to add to the growing list. Surely this would have been mentioned earlier if it was a deal breaker. It can't be that difficult to have a conversation about boundaries with a 27 year old, they've been living in a shared house where there must have been some rules.

As an aside if my DC was rude to grandparents I'd have disciplined him much earlier. It just doesn't ring true.

It does seem like if the son can't even do that, OP shouldn't be tying herself into knots trying to accommodate him in her home.

OP, is your son doing everything he can to change his situation? His life is his responsibility (which is not true for your 4 year old!)

I’d not be able to turn my child away. I’d say we could take him in for a few months and bring the 4 year old in with us on a temp basis. You could make it clear he must get a a job in this time and hunt non stop. Any job.

This. If there isn't room for 2 beds then I'd offer him the sofa. He will be motivated to get another job soon.