Son can’t afford to live at home but we have no space for him

[nomorestripes]

My son (27) moved out at 21 to live with his girlfriend and when that didn’t work out he rented a room in a shared house, he has always worked but lived hand to mouth and now he has lost his job.

He can’t afford to rent his room anymore as he is only going to get £400 a month in benefits and his housing benefit won’t cover all his £600 rent leaving a short fall of about £200, his car insurance is about £100 a month which he needs to get a job and his phone is about £50 a month which he needs to get a job and his car tax is due this month so even paying that monthly it all comes to more than he will receive.
I don’t have the means to support him as I am a full time carer for my disabled 4 year old.
My husband is not his dad and we only have a 2 bed house as our 4 year old was born after he moved out so now has his old room.
We have no space for him and I can’t expect my husband who is the only earner on a low wage to support a grown adult as well as his own wife and child.

He has mentioned that he might have to move back home but realistically we have a tiny lounge with a small corner sofa and two bedrooms so we don’t have room and if we did have our 4 year old in with us we have no idea how long that would be and he would be in no position to contribute financially and we only just scrape by as it is.
But… he’s my son and I need to help him as he is trying so hard to find a job and although this is his first month so he still has his wages left once his benefits start coming in he will not be able to afford his room.
I am so worried for him but I just don’t know how we can make it work, supporting him will be too much for my husband with no end date in sight.

But your child(ren) might want you to be married to them, now and in the future.

We don’t have any debt but it’s minimum wage so even 60 hours a week doesn’t come to what 2 wages would be, the only extra payment is he pays into a pension for me.

I know it's not the best time of year, but as a temporary fix could you buy or borrow a small caravan for less than five hundred quid and stick it on the driveway or in a yard? It's not ideal , but it could potentially give everybody a bit more space. My sister and I shared a room which caused huge numbers of problems and I wish my parents had thought of this as a solution when I was growing up

I'd have to figure out something to make it work. I could not have my child on the streets, homeless.

Even on minimum wage, with some UC, carers and high rate DLA, you can’t be eating crackers for dinner.

My DH is a grown up and can sometimes accept that things don't have to be ideal. I do have two children in their 20s at home. Most of the time, if something needs to give, they are expected to bend. For example, one decided to be vegan. Fine, I accept that, but I'm not catering to it. So they cook their own meals. They do their own washing and make a contribution as appropriate. One loves animals and would love a whole zoo. I let them have a dog and have set that limit. I'm not oppressive to them though.

I have two out of home and there isn't really room for them anymore but, if it was an emergency, I'd find a space for a temporary period, on the understanding it was temporary.

It helps that my DH is also the father of all the children, but I can't see him being difficult if a stepchild found themselves in an emergency.

That's a good sign that he does value your work in caring for your child. Mine also pays into a pension for me.

But they won't help their grandson?

If it’s this or your son has to sleep on the street, your husband should be welcoming him home. Especially as he’s been self sufficient for 6 years and will not want to stay with you longer than he absolutely has to.

I think this is another where you have a husband problem if your marriage can’t survive this.

It sounds like you've got a strong unit there which is a credit to you.

OP's husband is working 60 hours a week and has a severely disabled preschooler - I am not sure the ins and outs of why this might put so much pressure on the marriage but it's not a huge leap of the imagination surely.

Ultimately these issues are so much more complex in blended families - I am sure you're right that your husband would take that view but throw poverty and a severe disability into the mix and can we really know? That's why this second marriage is so worth preserving, to give the four year old daughter a stable married set of parents.

You are aware he won't be in a good position to search for a job if he's homeless, right? You need an address to be able to apply for a job, that's a fact and why so many homeless people need assistance in getting back into the working world.

What kind of state will he be in if he's living out of his car, do you think that will help him find a job?

If you dont want him looking after your daughter that's up to you, but dont pretend it's because you want him to prioritise searching for a job. If that was important you'd understand the need for a roof over his head.

It sounds hard with your DD.

If the house was your older child's home how long have you been with your DP?

Trying to work out if he's been around to be a father figure and therefore reasonable to expect him to help you support your eldest too?

No they love him in small doses but couldn’t live with him.

I agree OP should help, and it sounds as though she will but has rightly identified how challenging this will be. However she also has a young disabled child - who would be affected by the breakdown of or pressure in her marriage, so I don't think it's as simple as saying her 27 year old son should be her priority. Then DS finds a job, moves into his own home, meanwhile OP is left to navigate life as a divorcee with a disabled child.

Hardly the coercive A hole the amateur detectives on this thread are branding him.

OP, you are crying poverty while claiming the highest rate of benefits and all that comes with that, while your husband works 60hrs a week (on minimum wage) with no debt. You are not living hand to mouth. Not at all.

I think you should be ashamed of yourself. Your poor son deserves better.

I care for a child with a severe disability. Yes, it impacts the marriage, as does just having older children at home, but it is what it is. We're okay now but have been through very hard times financially in the past. I do know what it's like. In some ways, some of the trials have helped make a strong unit. It's necessary.

I can see how this is more complicated in blended families. I can't imagine turning someone onto the street. I had a friend of my son's staying for a week when the other option was them sleeping on the street before their new, cheaper place became available. The bottom line there was that, if that were my child, I know how much I'd have appreciated someone helping them out in that way to keep them safe. So much more so if my partner had a child that wasn't mine. That's their child and part and parcel of marrying someone with a child.

Being married can be challenging, that's the same for everyone. And of course caring for a disabled child must be hard. But I still don't understand how that absolves the DH of potentially walking out due to a challenging time housing her other son. It isnt forever, and honestly they havent even tried.

Id have a huge amount of sympathy for OP it she tried it and said "This isnt working, DS is just dossing about the house causing trouble and not looking for work." But to not even try because it might be hard?? He also might find a job straight away and move out quickly.

So am I getting the figures right here? He’d have £400 in benefits and £400 towards his rent of £600. He says he needs his car and phone to work, so assuming he kept everything as it is he’d have £50 per month to live on.

If he moved in with you, he’d have no housing benefit, struggle as it’s rural and you’d lose nearly £100 per month plus whatever other costs of having him stay as well as the strain on your marriage.

Surely then the most sensible thing might be to help him stay where he is, especially if he has a good work ethic and could be back in work quickly. Could you manage to give him £100 a month (the amount you’d lose anyway if he moves in). He could cut his phone down to something cheaper, shop around for car insurance, or sell the car. Sell whatever he can on vinted etc to make up some of the monthly shortfall etc.

can't quite believe these comments!

Perhaps he has a few options

• he becomes homeless and gets some temp accomodation
• he seeks a friend who can put him up fir £400pcm
• he seeks a relative who puts him up for £400pcm
• he finds accomodation that is cheaper and in budget
• he comes home

if all the other options fail, he is your son, I would do what I can to have him back home.

However he will only get his UC he wont get money towards rent, so you will be subsidising him and it sounds like that's not affordable. How does having him home on UC change what you can claim? Check it out on turn2us and see if that makes it more affordable for you.

It's awful that young people can't get work.

He does need to reduce his outgoings where he can too.

There seem to be minimum wage jobs which is better than being on UC and would mean he could afford his rent (though saving as some know it alls on here have said he should be doing would still be difficult).

I hope something turns up fir him soon.

So your family earn/receive in benefits over 4k a month before tax and you can’t afford to give your 27 year old a hot meal if he did live with you?

Yes, I had missed that you also care for a child with a severe disability.

Blood is thicker than water. These bonds of kinship can sometimes be replicated in other ways, and sometimes can't.

What I'm curious about is that everyone keeps saying "he should support you to take your son in". Sure, yes. And there should be rainbows and unicorns. What happens when that isn't the case, as OP is telling us? So many people are then saying "well you should toss him" which is just enormously reckless, when we have this 4 year old severely disabled child hugely dependent on this marriage, on the cohabitation of her parents.

Serious about him having savings or serious about him moving home? Even on minimum wage if he can afford £50 a month on a phone he can afford to save at least the same if not more. So £100 a month x 12 equals £1200 x 6 years. Several thousand saved for a rainy day!

Would a 21 year old working full time not have the common sense to start to save a buffer? My eldest is at uni and has managed to save over £2 k. My youngest at 17 has saved over a grand already from his Saturday job and summer work. I’ve always taught them if you can’t afford to buy it twice then you can’t afford it.

They love him but would see him homeless?

Can't he just sleep at their house but spends days with you/job hunting/library etc

Poor guy. No one seems to want him around.