Son can’t afford to live at home but we have no space for him

[nomorestripes]

My son (27) moved out at 21 to live with his girlfriend and when that didn’t work out he rented a room in a shared house, he has always worked but lived hand to mouth and now he has lost his job.

He can’t afford to rent his room anymore as he is only going to get £400 a month in benefits and his housing benefit won’t cover all his £600 rent leaving a short fall of about £200, his car insurance is about £100 a month which he needs to get a job and his phone is about £50 a month which he needs to get a job and his car tax is due this month so even paying that monthly it all comes to more than he will receive.
I don’t have the means to support him as I am a full time carer for my disabled 4 year old.
My husband is not his dad and we only have a 2 bed house as our 4 year old was born after he moved out so now has his old room.
We have no space for him and I can’t expect my husband who is the only earner on a low wage to support a grown adult as well as his own wife and child.

He has mentioned that he might have to move back home but realistically we have a tiny lounge with a small corner sofa and two bedrooms so we don’t have room and if we did have our 4 year old in with us we have no idea how long that would be and he would be in no position to contribute financially and we only just scrape by as it is.
But… he’s my son and I need to help him as he is trying so hard to find a job and although this is his first month so he still has his wages left once his benefits start coming in he will not be able to afford his room.
I am so worried for him but I just don’t know how we can make it work, supporting him will be too much for my husband with no end date in sight.

A mother who lives in a tiny 2 bedroom house, has a "seriously disabled" preschooler and where the child is not far off 30 years old.

No..she is putting the fact her husband wants to watch late night tv as a reason why her son can't sleep on the sofa.
The finances have been explained to her by other posters as she got them.mixed up
She just doesn't want her son as she could make it work
If I had a one bedroomed house id still have my son back.

Why not? You have a home. A home that was his too. Is your DH controlling in other ways. Why would you think DS moving back for a few months will destroy your marriage.

Because the marriage is what supports the 4 year old child.

Are you seriously unable to see how untenable it would be for OP and her husband to break up, and try to provide for and coparent this severely disabled preschooler. Even if disability weren't in the frame, this would be TERRIBLE outcome to be avoided at all costs. Way more terrible than having to explain to her 27 year old son that she can't house him - even though that is also sad.

She's explained it in numerous posts - the lack of space, the lack of money, the "no end in sight" open ended nature of it. Her 27 year old son might be in the situation for months or years.

I have a son not far off 30. In this situation, I'd put bunk beds in the second room and the 30 and 4 year old can share. This is a temporary situation and provides a stop gap. The 30 year old can sort his own meals. It won't be comfortable but you don't have to offer the 30 year old comfort. It's a place to lay his head in a safe place. Less comfort might help him find something faster too. I'd just say, "Son, this is what we can do. I know it's not ideal but it's what we can offer." He then has to accept or find another way.

Honestly, I'd go for an airbed in with your 4 year old. or move your 4 year old in with you, although that would depend on your child's disabilities/equipment.

Just a thought, if he moves in, can he help with childcare so that you can do some casual work like driving etc?

She's been very clear that her marriage might not survive the strain this would put it under.

There is not 3 adults in the house as my husband works 60 hour weeks and if Ds moved back he would not be able to manage the complex needs of our daughter who needs help getting on/off the toilet, needs support with mobility and to dress and I would absolutely not expect him to take on that responsibility which is in itself a full time job as is his job searching and being available for work.

So the OP just does whatever her DH wants so the marriage doesn't flounder. What a way to teach future generations. Obey your lord and master husband!

Sorry if I've missed this but why would it "fall on DH to fill the fridge" if your son is getting £400 / month benefits?

It's not a kings ransom by any stretch but it's enough that he can buy (and cook!!) his own food as well as paying you a small amount monthly to help cover the housing benefit you would lose.

I would make space for him of course. No it's not ideal for him to stay on the sofa and yes H might find it annoying but it's not a permanent fix.

Let him stay in the living room. Make it clear he needs to prepare and cook his own meals because you can't afford to top up the food shop. Make it clear he'll be expected to help around the house and with his little brother while he's there.

Ask everyone you and your H know if there is any work going anywhere, even if it's a one-off cash in hand type thing.

I honestly couldn't sleep at night if my son were sleeping rough or in his car. I'd be lying awake thinking, "Is he cold? Is he safe? Does he feel alone in the world? What happening to him right now?"

May I ask, are you married?

OP was a single parent for twenty years. It is no longer the 50’s.
Do you not find it strange that the DH moved into the family home and would leave his wife and disabled child because her FIRST CHILD back for a few months.

What job does your husband do where 60 hours a week can only afford the tiniest of 2 bed houses and crackers and a couple of cocktail sausages for dinner? None of this makes the slightest bit of sense. If his pay is that bad, he may as well work 40 hours and you work part time 20 hours, then at least you’d both be spending time with your daughter and you wouldn’t keep thinking any wage is just ‘his’ money.

What's that got to do with anything? I've been married for 34 years and care for a disabled child. My contributions to the marriage haven't always been financial but that doesn't make them less equal in value. Nor does it make me less of an equal partner.

£100 a month on car insurance for a 27 year old is normal. My DH (who is 29) pays £80 a month for his car insurance, with 11ish years of no claims. I'm pretty sure last year he was paying £100.

I wouldn’t want to be married to a man who didn’t understand my son needed our support.

Wonder if OP might have a lot of debt? That can cripple people on even reasonable incomes.

He is your own son, you need to help him!

Dd is 18 and her insurance is £600 a month… no points thought like op’s son.

Probably not but it is the option that should be explored before moving back home with his mum when they don’t actually have enough room for him

If you don’t help your son when he needs you the most- then domt Be surprised if you lose him forever.
i doubt he would forgive you and I wouldn’t blame him one bit !

Why do you think I would take care to be a less valuable contribution to a marriage than money?

Congratulations on your marriage of 34 years, I respect that and would probably have a lot to learn from you - my own has not been as long.

And it does matter that you have been in a long term marriage, in a conversation in which we are weighing up the relative importance of preserving a marriage and its dependents, vs the importance of assisting a grown son.

Can’t he stay on your sofa until he sorts himself out? Maybe give him three months or so?