Son can’t afford to live at home but we have no space for him

[nomorestripes]

My son (27) moved out at 21 to live with his girlfriend and when that didn’t work out he rented a room in a shared house, he has always worked but lived hand to mouth and now he has lost his job.

He can’t afford to rent his room anymore as he is only going to get £400 a month in benefits and his housing benefit won’t cover all his £600 rent leaving a short fall of about £200, his car insurance is about £100 a month which he needs to get a job and his phone is about £50 a month which he needs to get a job and his car tax is due this month so even paying that monthly it all comes to more than he will receive.
I don’t have the means to support him as I am a full time carer for my disabled 4 year old.
My husband is not his dad and we only have a 2 bed house as our 4 year old was born after he moved out so now has his old room.
We have no space for him and I can’t expect my husband who is the only earner on a low wage to support a grown adult as well as his own wife and child.

He has mentioned that he might have to move back home but realistically we have a tiny lounge with a small corner sofa and two bedrooms so we don’t have room and if we did have our 4 year old in with us we have no idea how long that would be and he would be in no position to contribute financially and we only just scrape by as it is.
But… he’s my son and I need to help him as he is trying so hard to find a job and although this is his first month so he still has his wages left once his benefits start coming in he will not be able to afford his room.
I am so worried for him but I just don’t know how we can make it work, supporting him will be too much for my husband with no end date in sight.

Why are people quizzing OP on what benefits she gets for her youngest?

Because everything always falls to women

She didn't have another child in a bad situation. She was single with an adult child, she then got married and presumably would have been capable of working herself, but for the fact that their child is severely disabled and needs care. It's not as if she was struggling to raise one child single-handed and at the same time got pregnant and added another child to the mix. The reality is that having a child with SEND drags many families into poverty.

Why can’t your husband help ? His son or not he is family and his money should be your money too

He has only been renting a room for a few months after his break up.

I have always worked all through his childhood and never anticipated I’d have to give up work to care for my severely disabled child but here we are.

I suppose I just want to be clear, this woman is being berated because her son is now unemployed. Its her problem to solve? Its her problem to tolerate and manage?

So what if it puts pressure on your marriage ? He’s your son so helping him when he’s down on his luck should take priority, I feel sad for him that his mum isn’t doing all she can to help

I bet your son feels really loved. Sorry son you cant possibly live with us, it will destroy my marriage. Plus I'll lose benefits and my DH won't feed another mouth. FFS.

I live in the cheapest area of England, there are 100s of jobs available for Christmas staff right now. Wouldn’t be great for the long term, but it would be enough for someone who lost their job.

Then there are call centres and other similar jobs that will pay at least minimum wage and are ALWAYS hiring.

It is our money but there is only so much.

Can he not do delivery driving until he finds a job he wants?

Please don’t leave your son to go through this on his own. It’s clear he’s having a really hard time at the moment, but life has a way of turning things around. He might be at a low point now, but things can change, and one day he could be in a much better place.
We should never forget that one day, the tables could turn and we might be the ones who need a little extra care. They could be the ones bringing us a glass of water, holding our hand or giving us a hug when we’re old and frail.

It’s relevant. Could = £1200 a month or just over. Plus DHs wage plus housing element of UC etc yet OP says they are struggling and can’t possibly even help DS out financially for a short time let alone prevent him becoming homeless. It apparently wouldn’t be fair on her DH if his (praise be) breadwinning efforts helped out his stepson and wider family just a little too temporarily. The DS deserves way better. It’s all such a croc of… new family and no room for DS. I’d take him in myself FS and also in 2 bed.

If you weren't there as a safety net he'd be put up somewhere in temporary housing etc. I think go down that route as it might spure him to find any work.

Eg move to the SE, there are plenty of deliveroo / Amazon on type jobs going. This is a bit of a character defining 'on your bike' moment which at 27 he needs.

If you are that strapped for cash and husband is a low earner, he should be considering applying for universal credit. You also need to look at whether you are claiming everything you can for your child. Also 4 yr old in a bed with you is not a good situation. Get on Facebook marketplace or gumtree and get on gumtree and get a set of free or low cost bunk beds. Both children can sleep in the same room. Makes best space for the number of people, keeps your living room clear and your marital bed safe.

You are in a rural area, so £600 seems on the high side for a room in a shared house, but that is your son's word on it.

Perhaps shop around again when he has a job- but of course he would need an income first.
Or could he move to a city?

It isnt relevant at all, any disability benefits for her youngest are for the prupose of her youngest, not to prop up an adult non dependent who is fit and able to work. Its unfortunate he is at a sticky point but he's going to need to be creative and flexible about what he can do.

Some women are man obsessed and put the man's wishing above the basic care for their kids. Its sad but true.

@nomorestripes i wouldn’t turn my son away, and would probably judge someone who did, but I don’t actually think that turning him away is as bad as people are acting here.

If he ends up homeless he could get council housing, if he moves in with you he won’t. If he moves back home and gives up his room in his house share then he may struggle to get another, but utilising an overdraft or credit card to bridge the gap whilst he goes to get a temp Christmas job can buy him a few months without him having to move homes and then save a deposit to get a new one.

It is ok not to be his next resort, as long as you are his last resort, and right now I don’t think he has exhausted all options yet. He needs to get a Christmas temp job, Tesco is definitely hiring their Christmas staff right now, my son has applied for a couple of local stores. I would bet all of the supermarkets are, so get him to check those.

I don’t have children but this. It’s what my parents would do to me.

He desperately wants to work. He’s not a freeloader. He needs your help.

I’d not look forward to us all squashed together, but I couldn’t turn him away. I’d make it work and I would never let him feel he was a burden. My children are always welcome back home.

I'd advise him to ask his Dad whether he has any suggestions for accommodation. His Dad may have more space or a family member/friend who could help out.

Explain that you're so tight on space/ budget that you're trying to find a more comfortable solution for him -but if he needs to stay with you, he can. He's trying hard to be independent, give him support. I'd be advising differently if he wasn't making an effort, but he is.

I’m 44. If my marriage fell apart and I lost my job I know I can always rely on my parents to help me back on my feet. If you have an upbringing like this, it’s hard to grasp there are parents who would even consider not being the fall back for their dc.

He's your son. By all accounts a hard worker who has fallen into hard times. You suck it up.

💯