Son can’t afford to live at home but we have no space for him

[nomorestripes]

My son (27) moved out at 21 to live with his girlfriend and when that didn’t work out he rented a room in a shared house, he has always worked but lived hand to mouth and now he has lost his job.

He can’t afford to rent his room anymore as he is only going to get £400 a month in benefits and his housing benefit won’t cover all his £600 rent leaving a short fall of about £200, his car insurance is about £100 a month which he needs to get a job and his phone is about £50 a month which he needs to get a job and his car tax is due this month so even paying that monthly it all comes to more than he will receive.
I don’t have the means to support him as I am a full time carer for my disabled 4 year old.
My husband is not his dad and we only have a 2 bed house as our 4 year old was born after he moved out so now has his old room.
We have no space for him and I can’t expect my husband who is the only earner on a low wage to support a grown adult as well as his own wife and child.

He has mentioned that he might have to move back home but realistically we have a tiny lounge with a small corner sofa and two bedrooms so we don’t have room and if we did have our 4 year old in with us we have no idea how long that would be and he would be in no position to contribute financially and we only just scrape by as it is.
But… he’s my son and I need to help him as he is trying so hard to find a job and although this is his first month so he still has his wages left once his benefits start coming in he will not be able to afford his room.
I am so worried for him but I just don’t know how we can make it work, supporting him will be too much for my husband with no end date in sight.

I find it hard that you’ve even got to ask the question.
Improvise. Let him use your sofa. It won’t be the forever.
Or would you prefer he lived on the streets?

Also, the fact your 4 year olds bedroom was originally his, suggests that it has always been your house, not your husband’s. Surely you can insist he stays with you ?

A single man would have to demonstrate a 'priority need' to get emergency housing otherwise he'd just be given advice. A council will not house a single man these days.

I am absolutely disgusted at these responses. They're batshit.

If you can't rely on family, let alone your mother, who can you rely on?

The DS has been out of the home, independent and working consistently since he was 21, so for 6 years.

He hasn't done anything wrong in losing his job for we know and the job market is dire.

Why wouldn't family help with the basic of lending a roof over his head?

He'll have some money coming in from benefits to contribute to food and energy costs so it's hardly a massive ask.

The problem here is the OP decided to have another kid, when her DS was 22 after he left home, with a man who obviously wants to forget she had another family before him and doesn't want anything to do with him from the sound of it.

Why would she get with someone who doesn't see her DS, adult or not, as part of the OP's, and by extension, his family.

I hope your DS understands that you ditching him for a new family is not his fault OP.

Is there a reason you can't stand up to your husband and tell him you will be helping your son?

Op you sound far more interested in appeasing your partner than you do in helping your (soon to be homeless) son. Your son is facing hardship and you’re fretting about whether your bf will be able to stay up and watch tv in peace. I would really think hard about this, I would disown my mum if she chose a man over me.

Exactly this!

What on earth is wrong with you, OP?

Your son needs to add his housing costs to his UC, he will need to provide proof that he is renting a room so he will need a tenancy agreement and other docs to prove he lives there. Single element is £424 per month and he will get housing on top of that. Also you said your husband is on a low wage and you care for your disabled son, have you had a calculation to see if you are eligible for UC? Couple element, rent if you don’t own, child element, disabled child element and carer element. Many people find they are entitled to something even with 1 partner working full time.

It might not be DSs first choice but what about him looking at McDs or a supermarket for work?
Or cleaning work?
It might not be the type of work hs looking for but could tide him over?
Or present himself to council as homeless (cant do that staying at yours)?

I'm not liking the sound of your DH, OP.
How will he be supporting DS financially? DS will surely contribute from his benefits.
Does DH not like him?
Are you afraid of DH?

If helping your son when he is genuinely in need is that hard for your husband (honestly, stopping him becoming homeless might mean that he can't stay up in the living room quite as late as he likes? what a huge hardship🙄) then he's not a good partner.

I would never forgive my mum if she put her partner not wanting to be inconvenienced ahead of helping me in a similar situation.

And if it is unhealthy (or if there is actually a more obvious and likely reason for DH’s reaction) must she fling up her hands immediately and end the marriage?

Either way I am a bit sickened by the many comments which are so heavily insisting that this woman owes her principal loyalty to her 27-year old son, over her husband and child. That strikes me as the unhealthy attitude here.

If DH were being recalcitrant but they lived in a much bigger house, then maybe it’d be different.
But the combined negatives attached to the proposed return to living at home as it stands are enough to justify it, I think (and of course we know we are not getting the full, plain facts anyway, from OP. Emotive and partial, certainly)

I’ll zip it though now, as I’m clearly out of sympathy with the majority view about this stuff, and don’t want to upset people further.

Has he been thinking outside of the box? Nothing will land in his lap he's going to have to be creative to come up with solutions.

You haven't said what his profession or experience is but there are hospitality jobs that offer accommodation. It might be away from where you live but it would solve the job and living problems for him at least in the short-term and it could be something he enjoys long term.

What about looking for a live in home sitting/pet sitting job. There are websites and agencies that you can sign up to and live in people's houses while they are away. Could he do this in between sleeping on your sofa now and then?

Is there literally no family member or friend of yours who could put him up for a while in return for say £150 a month and some jobs doing around the house, dog sitting, baby sitting?

Has he contacted your local council? They are legally obliged to offer support though at 27 as pps have said, he won't be at the top of any list for accommodation but it would help to get into the system - you never know!

Pretty sure the OP said her DS has said he's be £200 short on rent with the housing element of UC so he's done that.

Sounds like he's trying to make contingency plans before he gets behind in rent if a job doesn't materialise.

Do you have kids?

Is this caravan free, or do you think the OP and her son have secret savings to buy and caravan and have it delivered?

Your partner will have to suck it up. If your marriage can't survive this, it's doomed anyway, quite frankly. Either your older son sleeps on the sofa or your younger son sleeps in your room so your elder one can have his old room back.

You make it sound like this awkward situation will last forever because there's no specific end date. Well, put some rules in place. Fortunately, your son already sounds motivated to get back into work, but make sure he's doing everything possible. It doesn't seem like he'll feel welcome in his own (former) home, so he'll probably jump at the first opportunity that presents itself to move back out again.

I feel for you. This is one of the many reasons why separation and divorce, whilst sometimes necessary, create so many future complications. If your husband were his Dad, you'd be able to work around it somehow. As it is, there is no easy solution.

“ such an impact on our family and the hardship that it will cause us will probably destroy us”.

not helping bc your not so d h will have his gaming interrupted will destroy your relationship with your son … let that sink in.

Yeah, can get one for £10 on FB marketplace innit.

It’s not a fancy car it’s a small old cheap car but he has points.
It’s the food that will be detrimental as we don’t always cook meals and sometimes just have cheese and crackers or sandwiches or something on toast and little one eats little bits.
If he moves back he will expect proper dinners and that’s going to be on Dh as Ds outgoings will be all his benefit for car and phone and things. I can hardly offer him a few cocktail sausages and a Yorkshire pudding for dinner as I can our little one likes at the moment, that’s why it will fall on Dh to fill the fridge with proper meals to support a grown man.
I am not saying we can’t afford proper meals and we do eat healthy but I do try and save money by not always making big meals and cutting where I can so we can stretch out what we have.
I feel guilty using Dh hard earned money for that.

Dh has not specifically said he doesn’t want him here but I know he will find it an intrusion, he himself has stated he will have to come back here as he has no other option but while he has accepted that I do know that will feel he is encroaching on his personal space with the there not being any other space to go.

It's a difficult situation. I really hope he finds work soon.

He can apply for discretionary housing payment to cover the shortfall

That's the impression I am getting. OP is afraid of disobeying her husband. Do husband and adult son not get on?

Has DS said he expects home cooked massive meals? Or are you assuming? If he's said that then you can just say "sorry love we dont have the money for that, you'll have to just accept the food you're offered." Beggars can't be choosers etc.

Honestly at this point it just seems youre finding excuses not to have him there. Its not difficult to have some house rules I.e if you want a big meal you buy it, otherwise you can have toast with us.

Post the link?