Son can’t afford to live at home but we have no space for him

[nomorestripes]

My son (27) moved out at 21 to live with his girlfriend and when that didn’t work out he rented a room in a shared house, he has always worked but lived hand to mouth and now he has lost his job.

He can’t afford to rent his room anymore as he is only going to get £400 a month in benefits and his housing benefit won’t cover all his £600 rent leaving a short fall of about £200, his car insurance is about £100 a month which he needs to get a job and his phone is about £50 a month which he needs to get a job and his car tax is due this month so even paying that monthly it all comes to more than he will receive.
I don’t have the means to support him as I am a full time carer for my disabled 4 year old.
My husband is not his dad and we only have a 2 bed house as our 4 year old was born after he moved out so now has his old room.
We have no space for him and I can’t expect my husband who is the only earner on a low wage to support a grown adult as well as his own wife and child.

He has mentioned that he might have to move back home but realistically we have a tiny lounge with a small corner sofa and two bedrooms so we don’t have room and if we did have our 4 year old in with us we have no idea how long that would be and he would be in no position to contribute financially and we only just scrape by as it is.
But… he’s my son and I need to help him as he is trying so hard to find a job and although this is his first month so he still has his wages left once his benefits start coming in he will not be able to afford his room.
I am so worried for him but I just don’t know how we can make it work, supporting him will be too much for my husband with no end date in sight.

He should go to the housing office, as depending on circumstances they have have a duty to house him for 56 days but they should also help to to find somewhere that accepts housing benefit if he is still struggling at the end point.
I know 56 days isn't long but may well be long enough for him to find seasonal work pre-christmas. It's likely to be a bedsit somewhere semi urban which may also mean it closer to work.
If you want to help him you could offer him Sunday dinner once a week or similar as he may only have shared cooking facilities. And if the area they house him is unsafe maybe he could store his car by your house.
But he needs to be using libraries to job hunt and leisure centres to shower etc (and not your house). You could also suggest he looks for a live in carer type role if he really doesn't want whatever housing the council offer. But he needs to try it first. You already have your hands full and can offer more help from afar.

He is your family too.

Selling his car is no good as OP said they live rurally and so he’ll not be able to get a job.

Selling his phone won’t work because he’d need to sell it for a high price to pay off the contract - people won’t pay a high price for a second hand one, then just spend a bit more and buy a brand new one.

And those jobs are not easy to get, especially if you live rurally.

I was made redundant and was applying for everything and it still took months to get a new job.

Yep Years ago, I was in dire straits. Got offered a sofa... for £500pm (which very conveniently was the amount of rent they paid)

IF practical and financial circs permit, then sure! But given the many ways in which his moving in with them will be problematic, I think it is perfectly valid to explore any alternatives.

I think his mother is entitled to have her second marriage and her small, disabled child’s needs respected, by the way, and should not be expected to immolate the whole thing in the service of her adult son, who I cannot believe has literally no other possibility of a roof.

I thought the same - not sure the word „mother“ would come to mind reading the OP‘s posts. That poor lad. I hope he finds something and someone takes him in.

He has to share with his little brother. No other option. He’s your son. You can’t see him homeless and I bet your 4yo will love having him around. Bunkbeds take up the same amount of space as a single bed.

👏

These things happen. Sometimes you have to help adult children out. Your husband knew you were a mother before he came along.

I had no idea his misfortune would have such an impact on our family
As in the three of you? and the hardship that it will cause us will probably destroy us. Your marriage isn’t very strong, yet you had another baby with him.

My children will always have a place no matter what age they are, I’ll make room.

I’d go to the ends of the earth to ensure my child isn’t homeless. I honestly can’t understand how you could contemplate seeing him on the streets, as that’s where he’ll be.

He sounds very independent but is going through a tough time. Being a mum is a forever role in my book, I can’t imagine turning off the support because he’s an adult.

It would be different if he were a sponger, but he’s always worked and earned his way, he just needs help.

👏

OP has said that DS moving in would destroy her marriage. Does that sound healthy to you?
Her DH is saying no, and happily seeing her DS out on the streets, because he wants to stay up late and watch TV.

The amount of people on here saying do that to your own child is pretty depressing.

What thread are you reading? At the point you posted there weren't many at all.

I feel for you op. Your ds seems like a good person who has anlw worked his way and just had an unfortunate time.

Otoh I can imagine life is very tough too with your younger ds. It also seems like your dh came onto the scene when your ds was probably an adult. So he probably thinks why should he support another adult.
life seems hard enough without being now allocated strictly to your bedroom with no living space, if your ds stays on the couch.

does he not have any friends that he could share with, or find any rooms in a house share?

Blimey. I think at 27, with your mum in this woman’s situation, a pal’s sofa is very much the better choice.
For her sake, and that is not to imply anything negative about her husband, by the way. But she should be spared this massive upheaval.

I was thinking exactly the same thing, it’s always suggested on here like it’s so easy to do. Same with cancelling and going to cheaper broadband etc. I’d have to pay about £400 to get out of my phone contract at this exact moment, how is someone meant to do that if they’ve got no job or income

Why are you posting just to get support for your poor decision.

Any other family of friends with a spare room who could put him up for a month or two while he is job hunting? E.g. his dad, an aunt or cousin?

Or does he have skills whereby he could do some temporary jobs that would enable him to pay rent whilst job searching? E.g. tidying up gardens before winter, planting bulbs, taking things to the dump, dog walking, putting up shelves/furniture/, decorating/small handyman jobs. A friend of ours in a similar situation did basic gardening services and uber deliveries

With three adults in the house, care for the 4 year old will be easier and may enable all 3 to be working in some capacity. Even in the short term.

Son pays a board- covers household expenses. Sister sitting / help out around the house so hubby can drop some jobs. Son gets roof over head. Mum gets a bit of a break too. Son gets on feet.

Work together, not against each other.

Most people wouldn't take the risk which is why they end up with family or friends but the council will find accomodation for anyone who has nowhere to sleep.

This isn’t an accommodation problem. This is a husband /prioritising your husband problem.

I have a SC and it wouldn’t occur to me not to help them. And I think my dh would think very poorly of me if I did.

My mother constantly prioritised her new husband and new child. And then they got divorced and she wanted my support. You reap what you sow.

I don’t really think age makes a difference. If he was 37 or 47 he would still be her son and in need of help. Would you let your mother or father become homeless in this situation? Close family is just that. Mine would always have a key and a place to sleep in need, regardless of whether that’s a spare room or the floor, and any other help I could give. Also, he may not get housing benefit but he will get UC so he will contribute to the household finances. I’m amazed at the lack of compassion and family love.

He was your son before your youngest child’s dad became your dh

so you do not abandon your eldest

whether a sofa - bunk beds in single room or youngest goes in with you and eldest has their room

Literally clueless.

Your son needs to adult. Get a job, get some savings, stop living hand to mouth.

Taking him in is a last resort, especially in your circumstances, and there is a long way to go before you get there. Others have discussed the process for eviction, council housing etc. Direct him to Shelter for advice.

Getting a job: It's the lead-up to Christmas. There is usually extra work available in retail, pubs, catering, hotels, events, Christmas markets, deliveries and even manufacturing (someone makes all those Christmas cheese platters and brandy butter). Tell him to get out there and look.

Longer term: there is a lack of decent trades people so if he can earn enough to tide himself over to get into a trade then he could do really well.

Or become a debt collector.

In rural areas there are lots of old people that need carers, gardeners, decorators

Help him with suggestions, but don't solve his problems for him, as much as you may want to as a protective mum.