To think that making more friends isn’t the solution to loneliness?

[wakeuppp]

I say this as I actually have a lot of friends but I still struggle with feelings of loneliness. I think because realistically friends just aren’t always or even often going to be available, and a lot of the time they are going to want to be with their own families.

Make friends with your demons, and you'll never be lonely again!

Having positive relationships with friends and family certainly reduces loneliness. But i agree you can feel lonely in a crowded room

I know what you mean by this but not quite what I mean. I mean more that let’s say you feel lonely on a Sunday evening or Monday tea time (like now) it’s going to be hard having a friend over or going to see them. If that makes sense!

Are you feeling lonely or bored, though?
I think we often confuse the two. If I genuinely feel like I need company, I can make a phone call and I don't always have to see the person. However, if I am bored, I am more likely to want to do an activity with someone to pass time. Which sounds more what you mean.

Friendship can't prevent loneliness on its own. Connection is what beats loneliness - through friends and family, through volunteering, through involvement in groups and community.

The trouble is that our modern life makes it's so easy to fall into isolation or only interact via screens. Millions of isolated people in their cars or working from home, not spending their days with people.

I think it's more about understanding what you mean by "loneliness". Time alone is important for everyone, including those with lots of friends and big families. OP, your last post implies that you might feel lonely because there is nobody physically present next to you....if I have got that right. But that's not how I see it because, as previously mentioned, we can feel lonely in a crowd of people.
Surely the way to ease loneliness is to feel content with your own company, not to fill the space with people?

True but if you have a friend activity/ meeting scheduled for another time at least you have something to look forward to.

You mean it’s not like having a romantic partner?

I don’t know really @Pedant61 . I suppose just a general feeling of emptiness and not really being very important to anybody, which I know is not true but still.

@JHound i suppose I do although that isn’t an automatic solution, I know. But you do have somebody there to do nothing with and an automatic companion for eg holidays.

I am rarely bored @Catza but frequently lonely.

Agree. I think it needs a deeper lifestyle change.

Have you considered getting a pet?

I love animals but no, perhaps in the future but not now. I don’t see this as a solution though. I have small children and so am rarely (if ever!) alone and a pet would be another responsibility in the same vein. Lovely as they are (children and animals!)

Having a broad network of friends who you know through different avenues and have different things in common with is something of a guardrail to your friends not being available because they’re all with their families every weekend. Of course people aren’t going to be available all the time at any point you happen to be feeling lonely, but you make plans and then know you’ve got those plans rather than feeling no lonely because you have none.

Agree with previous poster though that connectivity / connection is important, and sometimes that doesn’t require friendship per se but being a part of something. I like going to Parkrun and belong to a community choir: I wouldn’t call the people I greet each week and run with / sing next to and chat with over coffee / the pub afterwards friends necessarily; but they’re connections I share meaningful interests and aspects of my life with and that connection doesn’t come with having to arrange a plan or wait for somebody to be available - it’s just a regular easygoing connection and interaction. Would you be interested in joining something like that, which is focused on an interest or hobby in a community surrounding?

Going to events, meals, spa days and gigs etc with friends is great but it obviously isn't the same as having a life partner. As you say OP, it's about having someone to "do nothing" with. I never really understood that expression until I was widowed. And then it became very, very clear.

parenting small children alone is very lonely, OP.

You’re aren’t being unreasonable to think that your friends aren’t the solution to your loneliness @wakeuppp

Do you work?

Learning to enjoy your own company is probably the only way to really avoid loneliness.

I have friends, and family, and colleagues and am with people a lot (too much sometimes!) but I think if I was relying on any of them for the close connections that avoid loneliness, I'd be in trouble.

I wonder if part of more people feeling lonely is that we are more likely to put up boundaries. There are people who are outraged when someone rings them on the phone (to the point where they won’t answer - even if they are at work and it is a colleague / client). Text / message a friend a suggestion of meeting up - plenty of people won’t reply. When someone’s family member is being bloody annoying, someone on here will suggest going “no contact”. There are people who will meet up but often they are the people who just talk AT you and - when you ask them a question about a mutual friend or acquaintance - won’t be able to answer (because they are permanently on transmit, they aren’t actually interested in other people). So even people who look as though they are having a marvellous time will sometimes feel lonely.

You are not wrong . I have plenty of people to call on to go out and about but real connections are few and far between.

Yes, I understood it as I was single for a pretty long period when younger (when all my friends were coupled up) but then you’re left a bit adrift. And you get well meaning advice about joining things but it kind of misses the point a little bit.

I think I do enjoy my own company, but ultimately you can have too much of a good thing. Plus I’m rarely actually alone anyway!

Do you have a job? Colleagues? Own money?

It sounds as though it’s a partner you’d actually like and are missing having? No, more friends and hobbies probably isn’t going to be the answer to loneliness if that’s what you really yearn for and your loneliness is around all the small instances of life which friends and other connections aren’t going to be there for. But I suppose the only real answer to that is to date and try to meet somebody, whilst keeping your life full with other things and people which interest you along the way.

I am deeply lonely as everyone I loved has died. I agree with you that making more friends isn't the solution but I have noticed that interacting with other people acts as temporary distraction for the loneliness.

I think the bigger problem can be found in Maslow's hierachy of needs. That it isn't just about friends but about people who know you deeply, understand and recognise you totally includign your flaws and also having things like loving and belonging needs met which includes physical touch, hugs and so on. If you have had love and loved someone who loved you back, their loss -whether death or for other reasons such as an estrangement from a family member or a romantic relationship that ends- can leave an aching hole of loneliness that friends cannot fill.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maslow%27s_hierarchy_of_needs#/media/File:Maslow's_Hierarchy_of_Needs_Diagram.png