To think that making more friends isn’t the solution to loneliness?

[wakeuppp]

I say this as I actually have a lot of friends but I still struggle with feelings of loneliness. I think because realistically friends just aren’t always or even often going to be available, and a lot of the time they are going to want to be with their own families.

Having friends and being truly heard and seen by said friends are two very different things. Fulfilment comes from deeper connections, not necessarily from many surface level friendships.

I think I know what you’re getting at. It’s not really the same as having “your person” whoever that may be, it tends to be family or spouse. Not always, but quite often. I don’t have a huge circle of friends and my husband is my person. I am well aware of the vulnerability of this, as he could die or split up, but with full time work, three teenagers and trying to keep afloat financially - then it is what it is. I do hope to have more female friendships at some point. I’m probably missing out - my sister has loads, but I don’t think she has “her person”. She seeks novelty and stimulation via friends but it needs to be constant to get what I get, rather uneventfully, if that makes sense.

Op do you have other singles mum friends?
Because that could be a good source of connections.

Which would also give you company for 'family' days out.

For me I have a sense of being alone because I was unloved as a child. No matter how many friends I have I feel the same.
I was with someone for a while where I felt truly known and loved and I felt different then, I felt "normal" but that relationship didn't last.

This sounds like I’m hating on my friends a bit but the ones I do know who are single are quite preoccupied with finding a partner and quite a few are in relationships and that’s not what I’m looking for at all.

This rings true to me. I am lucky enough to have a partner, and family, and friends, but I would say it's only my partner I feel free to really be myself around. I often feel lonely with my friends when I am with them and I see lots of people infrequently rather than having a very close core circle. I am always invited to the wedding but I am never close enough to be a bridesmaid and am on a lower ranked table. It's odd - I have friend groups I go on holiday with annually but I am still very much a filler friend and I don't really understand why. I often think that if I died it wouldn't make much of a difference to anyone apart from my husband.

How old are you @wakeuppp ?

I'm a tiny bit confused, OP, would you like a partner or a relationship or not?

One good thing about recent times is that people who are single (or single parents, the hardest job) are no longer as stigmatised. Everyone is about being single, loving yourself, keeping your peace and all. The bad side is that for many people, having a loving partnership is fundamental about how they'd like to live their lives. I have never felt so lonely as when my partner died, even after being single all my twenties.

If you are a single parent, it's relentless and I agree, feeling on your own on a Sunday night when the kids are playing up and you've already seen a friend, it's just a lot for one person.

I don't know the solution for you, I don't know your circumstances, but there's nothing wrong with wanting a strong bond with one person to live the quieter and harder and everyday bits of life. Not everyone wants that, but most people do pair-bond, and do so even with quite unsuitable people, so don't beat yourself up for wanting human care and contact.

Would communal living be a help with some of the things you worry about? Living in a community with others who you see and chat to without having to make plans is a different dynamic to friends that you make an effort to see.

there aren’t many communes about in the uk, but I think there is something very appealing about living with others, even if they are not deep friends.

Even if you meet someone it usually takes a while to live together so if you start getting lonely at 8pm on a Sunday or something, you may still not want to make the journey to see them. You'd still be lonely sometimes unless you find someone who lives just down the road!

I hear you.
Its not hating to admit they are at a different stage in life to you.

I still think your answer if finding other single mum friends who are content just to do stuff or hang out while raising your kids.

Is Gingerbread the single parent club still a thing?

@Fernsarethebestplants it isn’t that I’m totally ruling it out but right now it isn’t what I’m necessarily seeking.

It probably is confusing because what I want isn’t really possible! I don’t feel stigmatised but I do feel a bit adrift I suppose.

How old are you? Work? These are
Relevant questions!

Op what do you want?
I imagine adult company without kids around is hard unless you work outside the house.

Another option is to volunteer with kids activities that might help you meet other adults.

@Newname26 it isn’t about meeting other adults though; this is what I’ve tried to explain in the OP.

For me only family really cures that kind of loneliness....i was blessed with two almost sisters like girlifriends, but the minute they married and had babies, I never heard again < regularly >

Sorry but I think we place far too much pressure on our friends to take care of all our emotional needs and it’s completely unrealistic.

I see many posts demanding that friends should act like personal therapists, be available whenever we need them even if its at 3am on a whim, loan us money when we need it even if it’s to their personal detriment, be constantly available for lifts and endless trauma dumping etc etc

No. Friends massively enhance our lives but they aren’t personally responsible for our own personal happiness or loneliness and I find it incredibly toxic to assume that .

What has been great for me is joining a family club (gym with creche works) and going to the same things and making friends through those activities, and nursery mums etc. you need to chat to lots before you find any you click with on a deeper more fun level (like dating!) but having mums closeby who you can text the group chat and say ‘we’re off to the park at 10 if anyone fancies joining’ or ‘we’ve booked this theatre show in these seats, come along if you’re free and fancy it’
keep throwing out no pressure invites - some people will have join in but some would love to do stuff with you (with or without kids)

Op why are you single mum? By design? Break up? Widowed?

I know you said you have friends btw, so do i, but this is for the spontaneous I want some company moments

I’m not totally sure what you’re sorry for @sparklesaucer , we seem to be saying similar things.

Not sure spontaneity and small children go together @Unexpectedlysinglemum !

I completely get that and I don't think anything really fills that. I’m so sorry, it’s shit isn’t it?

OP I think it’s positive that you’re owning your loneliness rather than deflecting from it. I find it helps to acknowledge how I’m feeling and be as kind as I can to myself. I also try and find people who are more emotionally giving as friends. Obviously they’re not available all the time but there are more moments when I genuinely feel connected and fulfilled by them.

Loneliness isn’t an easy thing but I think it’s much more common than we realise. As PP even people who might seem to have friends can privately feel lonely.

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