To think that making more friends isn’t the solution to loneliness?

[wakeuppp]

I say this as I actually have a lot of friends but I still struggle with feelings of loneliness. I think because realistically friends just aren’t always or even often going to be available, and a lot of the time they are going to want to be with their own families.

I think a friend who a) lives really close and b) is also looking for company at random times, and would want to just come over and watch TV/have dinner as a last minute plan because you both realise you're at a loose end, could be the answer. But we are not all lucky enough to have this type of friend fall into our lap at the perfect times in life when we need them.

I think (now, I didn’t always), that life is more about music, books, tv, hobbies, getting out, all in a solitary way as opposed to a group and then having friends too so you know how to be happy with yourself

@CraftySeal i think that’s a bit of a unicorn friend in many ways! Plus it still isn’t inbuilt companionship. Maybe the only real solution is a partner but I don’t want one of those! I am awkward I know! I just felt very empty yesterday evening and I knew if I posted saying actually I feel quite empty and lost everyone would answer with make friends, join, get involved, do things, but you have to stop doing things at some point and then that’s when it gets harder.

Totally see your point. I have friends and hobbies and a partner but sometimes I'd love someone to pop round for a cup of tea on a random Monday night, zero pressure.

A single mum friend moved next door to another single mum friend for this reason.

I was loneliest when I was married @wakeuppp so being part of a couple isn't necessarily the solution.

I don't think being alone equates to loneliness, but it takes time and effort to find balance and fulfillment. I also think it changes with age and depends on your personality type too.

Me too @ShineOnYouCrazyDachshund

No it definitely isn’t. If you’re in a cold or difficult relationship for whatever reason then it’s worse to be in that than alone.

Same here. There were attachment issues when I was born (I was a very much unwanted pregnancy). I have been insecure and searching for “home” - or something like that all my life.

There's different types of loneliness though. People can feel lonely with a partner and no friends, they can feel lonely with friends and no partner, lonely through lack of community and support network etc. Major events and transitions in life (i.e grief, moving house) can also cause lonlieness.

We all need connection though. It's hardwired in us though this can mean different things for different people. Having close friends is a good thing though. It might not get rid of the lonlieness but having people you can trust, enjoy their company etc can only be a good thing.

As you've said, there isn't really a solution to this if you don't want a partner as that's the usual way to have someone to sit and do nothing with on a random Tuesday. Although I have seen a few social media posts from pairs of single mums who have decided to share a house to get around this!

@Childishprodigy i agree. My friends are very valuable and important to me. Just the same, I know making more of them isn’t the solution. I was feeling a bit strange and as I say a bit empty last night. It is that strange dichotomy between being so busy you’re exhausted (so with little inclination to do anything social!) but also feeling empty and peculiar. I’m OK now, but feelings do come and go a bit.

I think loneliness is fine. Learn to live with it.

I feel quite lonely these days also. It took me a while to realise what the feeling was because I had never felt lonely before.

I do have friends but I feel quite disconnected from them atm. I’m not depressed, I don’t think. Just uninspired and pretty bored overall. I think it’s because I’m older now that.

I can make friends really easily but just can’t be bothered to anymore. I have hobbies and friends etc but I’m not in a relationship but o guess it’s because the men around are truly awful and I think I need to be friends first which obviously goes against me in the internet dating domain

I actually feel really disconnected on the internet too. Pages I would browse or subreddits I used to scan have not much interest to me anymore

Thinking about it maybe I am depressed but anyway, I relate to your post a lot

You sound like me, I actually posted something similar a wee while back. I can see on the face of it the most obvious solution is a romantic relationship but I don’t think I’d ever be able to trust a man ever again tbh. I’d like something that naturally doesn’t exist.

I don't really get this rationale, chances are the sort of people who are actively looking for new friends might also be in similar circumstances to you, if you're willing to go out on a monday evening why wouldn't they? There's no rule to say that social interaction should only happen on weekends!

I almost always meet up with my friends with kids in the week, because they prefer to spend time with their families on the weekends.

Not to mention, most people have a limited social battery - if you were out doing different things friday night and all day saturday the chances are you'd be less likely to feel lonely on sunday (and more likely to be happy to have a chance to chill) than if you'd been alone the rest of the weekend.

@latetothefisting I’m not really willing to go out on a Monday evening I suppose is the point! And even if I was, I wouldn’t be able to due to having young children And even if I didn’t and I wanted to go out and had someone to go with you have to go home some time.

From my own experience I think loneliness is tied in with purpose and connection, also not having anyone to share your experiences anbd opinions with (and crucially - having people who understand you every to). I have felt lonely on and off for most of my life and the less lonely times were when I did a counselling course (at qualifying level). Whenever people post on here asking about how to feel less lonely I always recommend doing a course with a practical element. Problem is though is that the course isn’t permanent!

Op that's where getting involved in volunteering with things your kids are doing might help.
If you are helping out then its another connection. The more connections you have the better.

@Newname26 i already do quite a lot to be honest. But thank you.

Oh do explain!

Making peace with and incorporating all the parts of oneself that we try to hide (the shadow) results in liking ourself more. I'm now my own best friend after decades of self-loathing. I think quite fondly of my daemons, they got me through some difficult shit.
I think true self-acceptance makes friendships with other people less tricky, because boundaries are much easier navigate/implement when we have a good and solid sense of self.

It isn't fine obviously.There are lots of examples as to why this is wrong including happiness levels, self fulfilment, people in crisis such as bereavement cope better if they are not lonely, people with dementia have a slower rate of decline if they are not alone & so on.

The older you are the worse the outcome for you is if you are alone & lonely.

I am lonely because all I love have died. I am living with it & have 'learned to live with' in your words @SoBoredOfSelfDoubtHowToGetOut .I know this is my situation until I die & have accepted it.

It absolutely is not 'fine' though.

It might not be fine for you. It is for me. And I’m sure many others.