To be unsure what to do next after DH’s ex’s latest stunt

[vanishingact12]

Recently, my DH and I got married. For context, we have three children between us, two are mine and one is his, all three are teenagers. My two live 100% with us and his child lives with us at least 50% of the time. They all get along very well and think of each other as siblings which is very nice and really rather unexpected. It is always difficult blending families, especially teenagers, however ours has been really pretty seamless. I don’t feel that we have done anything spectacular, we are just very lucky that we have children who are generally very easy going and have welcomed each other into their lives. I have a really good relationship with his child as does my husband with mine.

We are not rich by any stretch of the imagination, but holiday often as that is where we choose to spend our disposable income. This is where the issue is. Every single holiday or happy occasion that we have had in the last year or so has been impacted in a negative way by his ex (his child’s mum). I won’t go into the detail as it really is very outing but she managed to put a real dampener on our wedding, holidays and some occasions that were important to the children where it has been difficult to really relax and celebrate as she causes some kind of upset. It usually impacts on his child so it’s very difficult to ‘ignore’ the issue if you see what I mean.

The most recent is the one that I am most struggling with. We booked a really lovely destination honeymoon and a stunning hotel. We both agreed that we would love it if the children would come and experience it with us. It was an expensive holiday and we had lots of trips and activities planned. A couple of days before the holiday, and as predicted, she became incredibly difficult again. It began by her making a mountain out of a molehill with his child and effectively keeping her away from us for 5 days when she would ordinarily be at ours. My husband was beside himself with upset over it all- a week before we were due to leave for honeymoon. A couple of days before we were due to depart, his ex announced that she had booked a holiday at exactly the same time as our planned honeymoon and would be taking his child with her. We were totally shocked by this, she has done some questionable things in the past but this was very left-field. When we challenged her, she said that she would ask his child to choose who she wanted to come on holiday with, her or us. We were appalled by this so effectively said that we didn’t think that this was fair on the child. She then said that my husband was being unreasonable for making her feel guilty but also, conversely, that he clearly wasn’t bothered as he had effectively not fought to take his child with us. His child therefore went with her mum as his ex was piling on the pressure to abandon our holiday in favour of hers.

The holiday itself was not what it could have been. I have a really good relationship with his child and it put a really unpleasant shadow over the whole holiday. When we got to the hotel and saw her interconnecting room to ours, it made us feel so upset, not to mention the wasted thousands of pounds that could have been spent elsewhere. Our holiday was booked 9 months ago and yet her mum had only booked a week before and informed us only a few days before we were due to depart so no changes to our tickets could be made. It wouldn’t have helped us feel any better that his child wasn’t there, but at least we could have offered the tickets out to a family member or friend but by the time she informed us, it was too late.

So what do we do now? Are we to accept that any happy occasion or holiday will be spoiled for the foreseeable future? I honestly can’t see a way to overcome this kind of behaviour.

Exactly. I'd love to hear the other side of the story, because from what we can make out, the girl's mother has to accommodate changes in access several times a year so that her ex can keep taking her on holiday with his new family. If you combine that with the possibility that she wasn't treated well in the past it's easy to imagine a scenario where she reasonably thought enough is enough.

It really doesn’t have anything to do with it other than the previous dynamic was that my DH was single so would capitulate so much more to her wishes so as to keep the peace. Now the dynamic has changed and his ex can see that, which I suspect is causing the issues. She is no longer in control and she doesn’t like it too much, added to that the jealousy of what she may see as us living the perfect life. Which, of course, we don’t but we do have an excellent relationship with each other and the children and provide a happy home with some good experiences that they will hopefully look back on fondly when they are older. That my DSD chooses to spend more time with us now, for a number of reasons has worsened the behaviour further which is what has caused this latest bout of manipulation.

There was no infidelity, there was no OW, I was not involved so I can’t see what impact the reason for the separation makes. Sometimes people can’t make things work, we change, we grow and we realise that we’re in a relationship that no longer reflects who we are. I have been there myself so understand.

You need to inform the children about coercive control because that’s what this is.

The changes work both ways. She takes her on holiday, as do we. If she is unavailable to have her for whatever reason, she asks us and change our arrangements to accommodate. It’s unusual for it to go the other way because there are two of us so it is easier if one has something planned for the other to do the extra curricular drop off/pick up etc. And all of that is fine by us. I understand absolutely that this is a huge change for her but surely it is a positive one, her daughter gets to experience different things and have more people on her life to help and support her. And the chaos does not only relate to holidays, this is just the latest scenario. She caused drama before our wedding and special events for my children.

I think this is an excellent suggestion. It would then set it in stone so that she isn’t forced to be piggy in the middle. It would mean less flexibility for her which is why we wanted to avoid it. We would not like to see her miss out say if her mum wanted to take her somewhere special like a concert or an event on a day that she is scheduled with us but I think it might be the only way to keep things clear and prevent her mum’s behaviour from impacting everyone.

Lots of people take their kids on honeymoon if they already have kids. It’s not that big of a deal.

Was the holiday in the last couple of months?
If so I think if you both sat to own and suggested a CAO to your dsd she will understand.

As a pp said it's a line in the sand.

As I said up thread this has potentially got five years to run. It's also not the easiest time in a child's life.

Thank you so much. I completely agree with the neutral third party. It’s so difficult for us to point anything out without feeling like we are playing the same game as her mum and putting my DSD in an even more vulnerable position, so we let it go on but then that in itself has consequences and it feels like a no win situation. I think our best option is to get something very formal in place and one that is not deviated from. Then everyone is clear and the impact on all is hopefully reduced. I absolutely love being a step mum to my DSD, she is an incredible young woman with so much potential. My children treat her as a sister and they all enjoy each others’ company. It would be such a shame to have this to continue to impact us all.

Stop giving her so much rope. Minimise what is communicated and your DH needs to go to court.

There is already conflict. Stop feeding the drama and get everything set in stone.

Thank you. I agree. It is definitely a line in the sand. I think a conversation with DSD, along with a formal arrangement is the best way forward. Maybe directly with her mum first and then if this continues a CAO. Like I said, my DH is trepidatious about court due to the manipulation and parental alienation involved. I would hope they would see it, especially as we have messages supporting this but there is always that chance that we take a gamble and lose

Ok but you have said you take lots of holidays, and also that you think she's probably envious of your lifestyle. Which suggests that she doesn't take as many holidays as you. How much of her 50% time are your holidays eating into over the year?

So what do we do now? Are we to accept that any happy occasion or holiday will be spoiled for the foreseeable future? I honestly can’t see a way to overcome this kind of behaviour.

its for you to support your step child in overcoming this behaviour

take a step back, if you are having a "happy occasion" then keep it quiet, don't even tell the dc and let them have lots of surprise occasions. Make sure surprise occasions are in your time with the dc

you did so well to not let the dc choose - and you can explain to the dc that although you were wanting them their with you, allowing them to make their own choices is really important and you will accept that.

Christmas is the next "happy occasions" make sure you have a plan b

then stick two fingers up at the ex

remember never throw the detonator into these situations - that is what the ex is wanting and engineering. Always give any situation 24 hours of thought and possibly 48 before you do anything.. Most of the time you will be damping down the fire she has started.

aslo stop communicating with her unless absolutely needed - there isn't anyway you'll parents together in a situation like this

I completely agree with what you are saying, in fact drop the rope is often said to each other. However, I do feel it important to point out for those people who may be lurking and not posting and those who may read this in the future and be in similar situations that it is very, very difficult to deal with a situation such a this without ‘feeding the drama’. I often liken it to a child in the playground being picked on, the child being targeted may have done nothing wrong, not retaliated or fought back in any way but to onlookers, there are two people involved in a fight and they are both tarnished with the same brush.

I know court is being suggested repeatedly and this is something we will have to discuss but I think I have also explained the drawbacks and potential consequences to that so it is not an easy and obvious option for everyone. If you were dealing with a straightforward individual then absolutely but manipulative people are very hard to negotiate with by their very design.

I think the options we have are

1. to do nothing, let it go on and just suck up any disappointment, strife and cost
2. put something more formal in place with my DSD’s mother and hope she abides by it but back everything up in writing so that we can take this to court should it be necessary
3. Go straight to court and risk the parental alienation and manipulation getting worse

All of those options are to be considered but, of course, none come with guaranteed harmony. It is very unfair but I have found (certainly in the last few years or so) that life is very often unfair and that jealousy and insecurity can be the driver for some very questionable and disruptive behaviour.