To be unsure what to do next after DH’s ex’s latest stunt

[vanishingact12]

Recently, my DH and I got married. For context, we have three children between us, two are mine and one is his, all three are teenagers. My two live 100% with us and his child lives with us at least 50% of the time. They all get along very well and think of each other as siblings which is very nice and really rather unexpected. It is always difficult blending families, especially teenagers, however ours has been really pretty seamless. I don’t feel that we have done anything spectacular, we are just very lucky that we have children who are generally very easy going and have welcomed each other into their lives. I have a really good relationship with his child as does my husband with mine.

We are not rich by any stretch of the imagination, but holiday often as that is where we choose to spend our disposable income. This is where the issue is. Every single holiday or happy occasion that we have had in the last year or so has been impacted in a negative way by his ex (his child’s mum). I won’t go into the detail as it really is very outing but she managed to put a real dampener on our wedding, holidays and some occasions that were important to the children where it has been difficult to really relax and celebrate as she causes some kind of upset. It usually impacts on his child so it’s very difficult to ‘ignore’ the issue if you see what I mean.

The most recent is the one that I am most struggling with. We booked a really lovely destination honeymoon and a stunning hotel. We both agreed that we would love it if the children would come and experience it with us. It was an expensive holiday and we had lots of trips and activities planned. A couple of days before the holiday, and as predicted, she became incredibly difficult again. It began by her making a mountain out of a molehill with his child and effectively keeping her away from us for 5 days when she would ordinarily be at ours. My husband was beside himself with upset over it all- a week before we were due to leave for honeymoon. A couple of days before we were due to depart, his ex announced that she had booked a holiday at exactly the same time as our planned honeymoon and would be taking his child with her. We were totally shocked by this, she has done some questionable things in the past but this was very left-field. When we challenged her, she said that she would ask his child to choose who she wanted to come on holiday with, her or us. We were appalled by this so effectively said that we didn’t think that this was fair on the child. She then said that my husband was being unreasonable for making her feel guilty but also, conversely, that he clearly wasn’t bothered as he had effectively not fought to take his child with us. His child therefore went with her mum as his ex was piling on the pressure to abandon our holiday in favour of hers.

The holiday itself was not what it could have been. I have a really good relationship with his child and it put a really unpleasant shadow over the whole holiday. When we got to the hotel and saw her interconnecting room to ours, it made us feel so upset, not to mention the wasted thousands of pounds that could have been spent elsewhere. Our holiday was booked 9 months ago and yet her mum had only booked a week before and informed us only a few days before we were due to depart so no changes to our tickets could be made. It wouldn’t have helped us feel any better that his child wasn’t there, but at least we could have offered the tickets out to a family member or friend but by the time she informed us, it was too late.

So what do we do now? Are we to accept that any happy occasion or holiday will be spoiled for the foreseeable future? I honestly can’t see a way to overcome this kind of behaviour.

How did you explain to DSD that she wasn't coming on your trip that you had planned for 9 months?

I hope the truth without being spiteful but so she was aware it was not her dad's decision or choice.

He needs to stand up to the ex. I'm not sure if a court order would help (genuinely) but he needs to demonstrate that she is worth fighting for and he wants her in his life equally to you and your DC.

I completely agree and this is what we have done so far. Unfortunately, she seems to have viewed this as that she controls what goes on in our family. Even things like questioning purchases for a hobby, asking where our vehicles are when they are not outside the house or demanding to know why we are making life choices (that are entirely nothing to do with her, to be honest).

I feel like I am a relatively selfless person however, it is very difficult to have someone push themselves onto our family, decision making and plans which leaves me feeling as if I don’t have control over my own life and decisions. We also have the other two children to consider and the more we seem to try and keep her informed/ involve her in decisions, the more she seems to expect to be in control of us all.

Its good to see that this seems to be a common experience so you have some support here OP.
I would say though that the emphasis on holidays and special occasions is playing to the ex's strengths, she is clearly better at the nut job drama than you are.
As a teacher I would say teenagers benefit a lot more from actual parenting and having proper boundaries enforced. All this pick me drama between mum and dad will be destabilising your SD, I expect you already know this.
All the Cahms staff I have worked with over the years say the worst thing for teenagers mental health, apart from bloody phones, is a lack of boundaries.
Please please keep everything level and keep offering consistency and value the things which actually matter like education and self respect. Holidays are not real life, hence the word.

Plus, his DD will learn to feel that no one is standing up for her and that her father just lets her miss stuff instead of doing what needs done so she is included.

Reverse psychology -- we're going away so you have to look after the child?

After her mum keeping her from us for 5 days, her mum presented it to her as a done deal…she was going on holiday with her mum and that was that. Then when we challenged it, she gave my DSD the ‘choice’ but by that time, the damage had been done. She had had 5 days to convince her that a holiday with her would be best. We didn’t want to comping the situation by facing her with another choice and making my DSD feel guilty so we just told her that we would love her to come with us but that we understood she was in a very difficult predicament. The running down of her dad and the fact it was presented as a ‘fair accomplis’ meant that she went with her mum.

You need to accept you can't change her mum, so you either carry on telegraphing your amazing holidays or try to fly under the radar.

She already 'playing unfairly'.

In all honesty, i would go the official route. She can't ignore court orders.

Thank you for this. I think something very formal and rigid is the way forward. We have tried to remain as flexible as possible so that my DSD doesn’t feel as though she is missing out on anything but I think that this will have to go.

She had been aware for some time that this holiday was booked, we didn’t ask her not to say anything to her mum straight away to avoid the inevitable. Something I hate doing but felt necessary. Then we told her mum for planning purposes and this was the result. She will often wait until the very last minute to cause chaos. My DSD knew that she had a ‘choice’ but after keeping her away from us and all the drama that that causes as well as the name calling, I really don’t think it was much of one for her. She would have had to upset her mum and unfortunately, it’s easier to upset us as the consequences are not as pronounced for her

I would guess the mum is jealous of your lifestyle and what you're able to offer your DSD. She's fearful that it will sway DSD and she'll lose her to you and her dad full time, hence why she's giving her so much freedom at hers - it's what she's able to offer.

You could still have years of this. It's not too late so maybe spend some of the disposable income on getting a CAO in place to protect your 50% and holiday sharing.

That’s the thing, we really don’t. We try to keep everything as under the radar as possible but she is 13 so we will let her know what we are doing and where we are going which she will then tell her mum. We are very private people and really don’t share anything unnecessary.

Sounds very difficult OP but you sound like a really lovely parent and step parent. I hope it all gets better for you.

Thank you for this, it is really reassuring to hear

Goodness, this sounds awful but unfortunately, all too familiar. Thank you for sharing this, it is good to know that we are not the only ones to whom this is happening

Thank you. I really appreciate that. I am hoping that somewhere along the line, things will get easier

I think what this poster meant was more about keeping the event low key, rather than not giving her the notice.

"We're planning a holiday in X dates, can we pencil that in?" rather than "we're taking the kids to Hawaii for our honeymoon".

Your dh should’ve said no at the outset, telling her verbally and in writing that your holiday had been booked 9 months in advance, she was informed on X date, the holiday was altered to accommodate child and you would be taking her. That it was horrible to create this added stress for the daughter.

did the dsd not question why she wasn’t going with you? I take it it wasn’t a surprise and she knew about it?

I agree. It would be good to think that parents did not behave like this. If my children had this with their dad’s partner, I would be hugely relieved if nothing else. There are so many stories of blended families that go spectacularly wrong and I would be grateful that they had another adult in their life that cared for them.

I think we would have gone in a lot more assertively if she had not engineered the situation where she kept her away from us for 5 days before and I think his ex knew this. She is very manipulative and often tell my DSD what she ‘likes’ and ‘doesn’t like’. She also has a history of running down my DH to my DSD whatever the situation so for example, he quietly but firmly tells her off for something and she makes it into a huge issue but then will contact us saying we have to take her because of some incident. We then talk about the issue and try to get my DSD to see things from her mum’s perspective and give her own behaviour some consideration.

If my husband imposes a boundary, she will tell my DSD that he is controlling and therefore he has now become almost fearful of saying anything at all. When we backed off over the holiday so as not to be seen as ‘controlling’ then he doesn’t care

What is a ‘leafy excellent school’?

I think you are right here and attempting to put SD first.

I don't think that for all the talk of firm boundaries that this one is winnable - or at least not without great cost to SD.

She's 13 though. I think you do need to sit down and explain or discuss with her that you always want her to come on these things but you understand it makes things difficult for her and how does she want to play it going forward. That you never want to put her in a position to choose (while making it exceptionally clear that she is wanted).

Be more reasonable than you probably feel- that you understand it's hard for her mum and that she wants her too and you know she can't split herself in half.

And then mentally prepare yourselves for it to happen. Assume she won't be coming. Make a game with your DH to guess the reason this time. Be outwardly as none bothered as possible.

She wants a reaction. It's the whole point. So I'd do the opposite and not give her ammunition. Your SD is reaching a stage where the dynamics will change anyway so just keep being loving and reasonable and demonstrating that you want her and understand that sometimes she has competing demands.

What a difficult situation @vanishingact12 you seem lovely and thoughtful.

I do think this needs to be very gently explained to DSD. Your own children should not miss out on holidays due to her mother's issues, and you cannot continue to book holidays including your DSD when it will undoubtedly end in conflict from Mum, negatively affecting DSD anyway.

What is DSD ultimately learning? How to be manipulative? While it gets you what you want, it leaves everyone around you unhappy. It does not make for a happy, healthy adulthood.

How has DSD been since the holiday? Has she mentioned it, does she feel guilty? I don't think you can ignore this anymore.
Next time you book a holiday, you need to talk about it with her. Figure out all together, how you can pull if off.

Again, your own children should not miss out on holidays due to this. Hell would freeze over before I allowed this woman to dictate my own children's lives so you are going to have to confront it.

Sorry, edited to add as I also agree with the post above mine, you either make a plan involving taking DSD or sadly, you strip away any chance of drama, explain the situation to the kid and book without her. Either way, you need to talk to her about this.

Were you 'the other woman' ??
Did he leave his ex and child for you?

Not that it will justify the exes behaviour, but it would certainly explain her anger and spite!

This only stopped for us when DH and ExW stopped communicating directly and left it up to the kids.

So we’d discuss with the kids. Say it’s on our dates. They’d make the decision and there was no power play for the adults to make.

I’d say your DSD is old enough for that now.

Is there a financial divide? Could that be the cause of mum feeling like she can’t compete but is trying to? As a single mum does she have spare money? You describe the area and the leafy school which sound a bit dreamy not realistic. There is a lot of conversation of ‘we’ but she is his child. Maybe I am looking at this slightly differently as my exs wife overstepped massively in the beginning without asking the dc what they wanted. Parenting isn’t just financial maybe an adult conversation would be the first point to understand why this is happening.