To be unsure what to do next after DH’s ex’s latest stunt

[vanishingact12]

Recently, my DH and I got married. For context, we have three children between us, two are mine and one is his, all three are teenagers. My two live 100% with us and his child lives with us at least 50% of the time. They all get along very well and think of each other as siblings which is very nice and really rather unexpected. It is always difficult blending families, especially teenagers, however ours has been really pretty seamless. I don’t feel that we have done anything spectacular, we are just very lucky that we have children who are generally very easy going and have welcomed each other into their lives. I have a really good relationship with his child as does my husband with mine.

We are not rich by any stretch of the imagination, but holiday often as that is where we choose to spend our disposable income. This is where the issue is. Every single holiday or happy occasion that we have had in the last year or so has been impacted in a negative way by his ex (his child’s mum). I won’t go into the detail as it really is very outing but she managed to put a real dampener on our wedding, holidays and some occasions that were important to the children where it has been difficult to really relax and celebrate as she causes some kind of upset. It usually impacts on his child so it’s very difficult to ‘ignore’ the issue if you see what I mean.

The most recent is the one that I am most struggling with. We booked a really lovely destination honeymoon and a stunning hotel. We both agreed that we would love it if the children would come and experience it with us. It was an expensive holiday and we had lots of trips and activities planned. A couple of days before the holiday, and as predicted, she became incredibly difficult again. It began by her making a mountain out of a molehill with his child and effectively keeping her away from us for 5 days when she would ordinarily be at ours. My husband was beside himself with upset over it all- a week before we were due to leave for honeymoon. A couple of days before we were due to depart, his ex announced that she had booked a holiday at exactly the same time as our planned honeymoon and would be taking his child with her. We were totally shocked by this, she has done some questionable things in the past but this was very left-field. When we challenged her, she said that she would ask his child to choose who she wanted to come on holiday with, her or us. We were appalled by this so effectively said that we didn’t think that this was fair on the child. She then said that my husband was being unreasonable for making her feel guilty but also, conversely, that he clearly wasn’t bothered as he had effectively not fought to take his child with us. His child therefore went with her mum as his ex was piling on the pressure to abandon our holiday in favour of hers.

The holiday itself was not what it could have been. I have a really good relationship with his child and it put a really unpleasant shadow over the whole holiday. When we got to the hotel and saw her interconnecting room to ours, it made us feel so upset, not to mention the wasted thousands of pounds that could have been spent elsewhere. Our holiday was booked 9 months ago and yet her mum had only booked a week before and informed us only a few days before we were due to depart so no changes to our tickets could be made. It wouldn’t have helped us feel any better that his child wasn’t there, but at least we could have offered the tickets out to a family member or friend but by the time she informed us, it was too late.

So what do we do now? Are we to accept that any happy occasion or holiday will be spoiled for the foreseeable future? I honestly can’t see a way to overcome this kind of behaviour.

At 13 surely your DSD knew about your planned and booked 9 months ago trip ,surely she was excited about it,discussung it with your ,DH and S siblings?
What did she say when her DM said at the eleventh hour,you are not going with your DD family anymore ,i've booked us a holiday ?
that child must be absolutely traumatised.

This is great advice, thank you. You are right, the reaction is what she seems to be looking for.

Thank you, this is great advice. I think a conversation with DSD is the best way forward in this.

She hasn’t mentioned anything at all, which is often her way. I can sense that she does feel guilt by her behaviour and it is hard to know what to do as the situation was really not of her making.

Tbh, I think that unfortunately you need to accept that you don't have control over your blended family and decisions to the extent you would like. You have control over your own children, but not things that impact someone else's child.
No blend is seamless. Your step daughter is part of a family already, that includes another person, and that will always impact how far your can absorb her into the new unit you're trying to create.
The best advice in these situations is often the advice you're most reluctant to hear. Which is opt out of your husband's dealings with his ex and his child.
Know your personal boundaries, so she doesn't dictate your life and that of your own children, but lower your expectations, and see your step daughters presence within your own life as a bonus, not a default.
So for future events, plan for you and your children and let your husband sort out whether his daughter will join or not. Because what looks like support of him, is actually just additional pull and input that makes things more complicated.
She can't stop you Iving your life with the people you're responsible for, and your husband needs to tell her to mind her own business when her interest strays outside of things that concern her own child.

She did indeed. And was very excited about it. Then we had the situation where her mum kept her away for 5 days and was unpleasant about her dad. Then the holiday with her mum was presented to her as what she would be doing. When we challenged it with her mum, her mum said she would give her the ‘choice’ which she did but it didn’t feel much like a choice

I think this also may be the way forward. A clear conversation with my DSD, and then communication via her. Then nothing can be lied about or misconstrued

If you’re going to fly your holidays under the radar from now on you’re going to have to keep them from your kids too and present it as a surprise to all of them on the day. If she’s got a phone she’ll message her mom anyway to say you’re going to the airport etc. so you maybe can’t do this anyway.

Definitely not ‘the other woman’, they had been separated for a number of years by the time I came along.

I don’t believe any teenager would be unable to see how unreasonable that last minute booking was?

I agree with PPs- talk it through with DSD. Say you know it was a hard situation for her. Ask if she was aware that her mum only booked the holiday a week before, knowing that you/Dad were due to be taking her away? Tell her she is your priority, along with your other DC - you didn't fight to make her come with yiu because you knew she was in a difficult position and didn't want to tear her in two. But she should know if something sinilar happens in future it is her choice, and neither you nor her mum should be trying to force her either way. Tell her you will always want her to join you on future holidays but understand that she feels conflicted if her mum isn't keen for her to go. Ask her what she'd like you to do in future - should you have insisted she go, or did you do the right thing in her eyes by not pushing it?

Yes there is a divide but I’m not sure it’s entirely about the money. Like I said, we are not wealthy. It seems more about the family dynamic that we have as much as everything else. My DH has tried having adult conversations with her and I have promoted this but she just continues to massively overstep and the more we try to discuss and involve, the more she thinks she can involve herself to the point where it feels like we are being questioned and dictated to. I say ‘we’ as it affects us both

Hopefully? She already knows what's happening and that's not a good thing.

It does matter though, because presumably if you are calling it your honeymoon on here, that's what you were calling it at home. In which case that's what your DSD would've called it to her mum, probably repeatedly and excitedly, because even the loveliest 13yo isn't going to have the sensitivity filter of an adult.

How does having her 50% look if you're taking multiple holidays a year? Are you week on week off? What I'm wondering is whether the arrangement often needs to change to accommodate your holidays

This is a great idea. Asking how she wants us to handle it could be a way forward. For example, we will often suggest and activity and she is excited by it, until her mum gets involved and tells her (and us) she won’t like it. In the past my DH has capitulated to this and often backed down but more often now we are sticking to our guns…which is suspect is the source of some of the latest behaviour. She feels as though she can’t control what goes on any more

I agree, I think she probably does but the more challenging thing is how we stop it from happening

It has always been the case that we arrange holidays in advance and let the other parent know. Same as I do with my own children. Then once confirmed to be ok with the other parent, we book. We also accommodate this when her mum books her holidays. We don’t do week on, week off so I can’t see how it could possibly work otherwise

Also, I don’t think we actually referred to it to her as a ‘honeymoon’ if I am being honest. Just a case of ‘we have booked a really lovely holiday and this is where we are going’ but even if we had, I don’t see what the issue is. A honeymoon is of course for married couples when no children are involved but later in life surely it is more of a joining of two families rather than two individuals and therefore all are welcome to celebrate.

And? What was she supposed to do?

OP, all that money and he hasn't bothered on a formal agreement via the courts.

On the back of these actions he needs to apply to the courts.
Stating this as the reason.
9 months notice and she cost him thousands by her actions.

Ask the court to lay out its ruling.
Let it cost her money for court.

She needs consequences.
Your DSD sees no actions for her mother.

She sees a weak man taking this, allowing it to happen.

This is hugely damaging for her.
I think it is very poor that he hasn't bothered to formalise his arrangements with her mother to prevent this.

This is all emotional abuse of her.

No more holiday plans in advance.
Everything on your time only.

Get the court proceedings underway asap.

Last minute booking may well be the way to go. Maybe tell the ex that you have booked for a particular date but don't do so, then if she books for the same date smile happily and book your own holiday for two weeks later.

Ignore, read that wrong...i read it as she should have refused to go but you meant she must know already what mum's like to have done this. Yes, I'm a dick.

As you were

Sadly you can't. I wouldn't try to play games, the ex will win! She is happy to upset her own child to cause trouble, you cannot compete with someone willing to do that.
All you can do is discuss it openly and honestly as a family. Your DSD needs to know that you will always choose for her to go with you but also that her Mum will not dictate whether the rest of you go away.

Is this the first time she has prevented your sd coming on holiday with you?

I so I guess it was because it was your honeymoon?

Ok but you said you holiday often, so I'm assuming you take a lot more holidays than she does. In which case she is having to accommodate you more than vice versa. Surely you can see why it would begin to grate?

Also, you said that you have your own children 100% of the time, so their father isn't having to accommodate anything when you go away. Why does he have to confirm?

Why haven’t you gone through the courts for this? I wonder if that would help?