To be unsure what to do next after DH’s ex’s latest stunt

[vanishingact12]

Recently, my DH and I got married. For context, we have three children between us, two are mine and one is his, all three are teenagers. My two live 100% with us and his child lives with us at least 50% of the time. They all get along very well and think of each other as siblings which is very nice and really rather unexpected. It is always difficult blending families, especially teenagers, however ours has been really pretty seamless. I don’t feel that we have done anything spectacular, we are just very lucky that we have children who are generally very easy going and have welcomed each other into their lives. I have a really good relationship with his child as does my husband with mine.

We are not rich by any stretch of the imagination, but holiday often as that is where we choose to spend our disposable income. This is where the issue is. Every single holiday or happy occasion that we have had in the last year or so has been impacted in a negative way by his ex (his child’s mum). I won’t go into the detail as it really is very outing but she managed to put a real dampener on our wedding, holidays and some occasions that were important to the children where it has been difficult to really relax and celebrate as she causes some kind of upset. It usually impacts on his child so it’s very difficult to ‘ignore’ the issue if you see what I mean.

The most recent is the one that I am most struggling with. We booked a really lovely destination honeymoon and a stunning hotel. We both agreed that we would love it if the children would come and experience it with us. It was an expensive holiday and we had lots of trips and activities planned. A couple of days before the holiday, and as predicted, she became incredibly difficult again. It began by her making a mountain out of a molehill with his child and effectively keeping her away from us for 5 days when she would ordinarily be at ours. My husband was beside himself with upset over it all- a week before we were due to leave for honeymoon. A couple of days before we were due to depart, his ex announced that she had booked a holiday at exactly the same time as our planned honeymoon and would be taking his child with her. We were totally shocked by this, she has done some questionable things in the past but this was very left-field. When we challenged her, she said that she would ask his child to choose who she wanted to come on holiday with, her or us. We were appalled by this so effectively said that we didn’t think that this was fair on the child. She then said that my husband was being unreasonable for making her feel guilty but also, conversely, that he clearly wasn’t bothered as he had effectively not fought to take his child with us. His child therefore went with her mum as his ex was piling on the pressure to abandon our holiday in favour of hers.

The holiday itself was not what it could have been. I have a really good relationship with his child and it put a really unpleasant shadow over the whole holiday. When we got to the hotel and saw her interconnecting room to ours, it made us feel so upset, not to mention the wasted thousands of pounds that could have been spent elsewhere. Our holiday was booked 9 months ago and yet her mum had only booked a week before and informed us only a few days before we were due to depart so no changes to our tickets could be made. It wouldn’t have helped us feel any better that his child wasn’t there, but at least we could have offered the tickets out to a family member or friend but by the time she informed us, it was too late.

So what do we do now? Are we to accept that any happy occasion or holiday will be spoiled for the foreseeable future? I honestly can’t see a way to overcome this kind of behaviour.

OP you have mentioned a number of times name calling of her father. What is this name, Is it appropriate?
My understanding is that your husband was divorced when you met and you had no hand in the breakdown of the marriage.

You describe a comfortable lifestyle so I'm assuming you the higher earner?

On their divorce your DH and his ex wife should have had equal financial settlements. Where the jealousy will come in is if you are providing a different level of family funds i.e you have a paid for house and a larger disposable income.
Perhaps his ex wife is not able to improve her prospects by getting a better job and earning more. The politics of envy are very difficult to manage.
My caution would be this will go on until your SDD is 18. This lady could sabotage your SDD's further education opportunities if she is clinging onto her daughter out of spite. I'm afraid to say my sister did this robbing her son of his scholarship and university place. My sister had caused the breakdown of her marriage with her infidelity but didn't want her children to be independent of her. When her husband remarried she started the name calling and drama.

I would always suggest amicable conversations but I think a word with a solicitor would be appropriate. If another holiday stunt is pulled in the future I'd go down the legal route. The pp with the 12 year old son did the right thing by showing the manipulation.
Fwiw my niece and nephew have a ongoing difficult relationship with their mother and they're 36 and forty! Some people just can't be a grown up.

This is the classic childhood party dilemma - you made plans to go to X's birthday party and said you would be there. Now Y has invited you to a party at the same time. We all know the answer we teach: no matter how much Y complains, or how much you would rather go to Y's party, you go to X. Because you promised. You already have plans.

This should have been explained to Dsd. You made plans with Dad, now Mum has made plans for the same time. But you go with Dad because those plans were already in place, and Mum knew that.

I think dsd should have had all this explained to her. It's going to keep happening. She and Dad will need strategies going forward.

Sadly, I think you may be right. I think he has left it go on because for the years that he was on his own, he tolerated and accommodated so that he got to see/have her as much as possible. Rightly or wrongly he felt that she held all the power and I think he quietly knew that, if challenged, she could turn manipulative and try to turn his daughter against him. It can happen so I understand his reluctance to poke the hornets’ nest so to speak.

His circumstances are different now, hence the escalation in her behaviour. Maybe a much more formal arrangement is in order and then there can be no deviation.

I agree and this also crossed my mind and I explained this as such to my DH who also agreed.

We have had similar issues, same age step child but we do have a CAO that's been in place for a good few years. We have had silly games like "oh I've renewed his passport and it isn't back" two weeks before our holiday even though there was 10 months left on it... Then told that it wasn't back, only for my husband to speak to the passport office and it had been delivered the week before. Silly and stressful, we have also had phone calls to him while he's been away with us where she's picked the one week he's away to do something he really wanted to do without him (like going to a theme park). It's horrible and frustrating.

He is now 13 though so we have had to let go more. Similar daily arrangements here 50/50 but we had hell in the summer where we didn't see him for 3 weeks after some wild manipulation because his mum was angry with my husband about a disagreement they had had, it gave us a chance to see that yes my husband could argue it, fight with her, put all of the logical explanations in the world out there but we'd be contributing to weaponising him at this point.

We will continue to include him in our plans, if he says he doesn't want to do something that's his decision but things like holidays perhaps we're in a privileged financial position but I would take the hit in booking for him and risk him not coming rather than not book and him ask to come. It's tricky, messy and I'm sorry you were disappointed. My own children, who are half siblings with my step son were heartbroken when they didn't see him through the summer and it's a real wrench.

Ultimately, I would say focus on making sure your step daughter knows she is always welcome and you have space in your lives for her, tell her you missed her on holiday but don't make her feel guilty and focus on doing what you can in your family to stop her from being caught up in the acrimony.

Practically, I'd get it into court even if it's regarding this specific issue or even just a formal legal letter advising that if this happens again you'll be seeking to recover the wasted costs.
Make clear arrangements in writing "We have booked X for XX date, SD wishes to come, please provide her passport 10 days before, we will collect her on XX" we tend to say we need my step son a day or two ahead of time in case there's any issues. No passport by day 8/9 urgent application to court.

I imagine an school with an 'Outstanding' ofsted rating and good reputation in an area that's clean, tree lined and safe.

I agree. Thank you

Perfectly explained, thank you

Thank you so much for taking the time to respond. I am really sorry, it sounds like you have had a really rough time of it. It is so useful to hear from those who have had the same experience and understand and have managed to negotiate it in some way. There is clearly no way to ‘fix’ the issue but maybe just to ameliorate the impact a little on the rest of the family

You say

'Relationship end was mutual and some years ago.'

'he was on his own for years'

Your SD is 13.

When did you split from your ex and why?

How long have you been with your new husband?

You give very little detail about how their family split up. Whereas it's been the biggest impact on the ex's life and on the SD life. It's unusual for a relationship to just stop with no one else involved. Why did their relationship end - 'mutual' doesn't really sound likely, from what you're saying about her behaviour.

The name calling tends to be things like controlling and this type of thing. I don’t want to say too much as it may be outing when all put together.

I think the disparity mainly comes from two income household vs 1 and more assets. But also very different values and where we choose to spend money also.

thank you for sharing your experience. It is sad to think that it affects the children even into adulthood.

You need a child arrangements order. If she breaches that your husband may be awarded financial compensation for the cost of the holiday wasted. That might be enough to deter the mother from pulling another stunt like this.

I don't know how court proceedings work, as my parents did not have a court order after separation. I think it sounds like a good idea though.

However, what strikes me here is a teenage girl being very caught in the middle of her parents. Despite your best efforts to minimise any harm from your end, she could end up carrying some very deep trauma when she realises that her mum is effectively weaponising her (I speak from my own experience as an older teen here). One thing I wish most, as an adult reflecting back, is that another adult in mine and siblings' lives had seen what was going on and helped us through it.

Does your husband have a sister/SIL who is close enough to DSD but (very importantly) capable of being very neutral about both DH and ex? DSD needs to know there is someone in her life, who she doesn't have to please or impress or keep happy, who she can talk to openly, who can walk her through decision-making processes and give her space and (if she asks for it) some advice. It is a big ask of a family member, so maybe a trained counsellor might be better? I don't know how court orders work, but is she allowed to have input into the process to some degree. Not even having to make choices as such, but maybe a statement of things that are important to her, her agreement as to how her holidays will be arranged etc.

Another thing I would suggest is that your husband retains all text messages/emails with his ex, and keeps a factual log of issues. He doesn't need to share this with DSD unless asked, but in the future it may help her to have some records to look back on, as her own memories may seem jumbled or hazy and she might be struggling to make sense of who did what. Kindly, you should stay well out of this side of things, it needs to come from your DH. You sound like a lovely stepmum, but ultimately one day your DSD might be trying to figure out the triangle that is her and her parents and you don't really factor into that.

Finally, I think some posters have been a bit critical of you calling it a honeymoon but I think its lovely that you have recognised that your marriage has brought two sets of children together. Personally I hate it when people force a family relationship between stepsiblings, but sounds like yours has happened organically which is so lovely. I hope DSDs stepsiblings will be a source of comfort for her in future, as I feel for her as an only child caught between two divorced parents who aren't able to parent amicably (said without blame to your DH).

'When we got to the hotel and saw her interconnecting room to ours, it made us feel so upset, not to mention the wasted thousands of pounds that could have been spent elsewhere'

Where were your two teens sleeping?

You cannot reason with an unreasonable person. This is the bottom line.

You know that this is a pattern of behaviour, so you can to some degree foresee when it will happen.

Perhaps next time you are planning something, especially a holiday, your DH can discuss it with his ex in advance and ask her to agree to it in writing. By having it formalised, she might think twice before ruining your plans. But then again, (please read the first line of my post).

When someone is prepared to hurt their own child to score points, there is no reasoning with them.

This is where the courts can help.
Show this child that you will fight for what is right.

Tell her the truth.
You will now be going to court so things like holidays being changed last minute will not happen again.

Of course she is old enough to have it explained.

Otherwise she is veing reared to believe a vengeful woman is right all the time.

Let the courts rule.

Thank you so much. This is incredibly helpful for seeing it from my DSD’s perspective. Luckily, we do have all the messages that demonstrate that her mum was told in advance and given flight details for times/dates etc. Also the messages saying that my DH didn’t want to put her in the middle.

it would be much more in my DSD’s best interests to keep things informal so that she can have some flexibility which is what my DH has always wanted but, sadly, something more formal sounds like it needs to be put into place.

I think you need to limit the information she gets in advance. Even if that means limiting what dss knows as well.
My step children's DM used to pull a slightly different trick to cause upset on holidays. There'd be phone calls and messages implying a crisis at home: Grandma is not feeling good, the cats on it's last legs etc. So then we're dealing with upset children with no idea what's going on at home.
This only worked for so long. As the children got into their teen years they recognised the manipulation and would joke between each other about what this holidays crisis was. Do note the cat lived to a ripe age and Grandma was fine.

I'm still curious why if you have your own children 100% of the time, you tell their father when you've booked holidays and he lets you know that it's ok. You don't need his permission and there's nothing for him to know about

Her mother is highly manipulative and controlling, and you know dsd is particularly susceptible to that manipulation. This has been going on for some time, yet your husband has done nothing to establish his rights and secure his time with his daughter through the courts. Now you’re proposing to put the entire responsibility for communicating and negotiating with her manipulative mother onto the child herself, because you, the adults, have found the situation too difficult to deal with — despite apparently not having taken any meaningful steps to resolve it yourselves.

In their own room as they are older.

I really appreciate the responses that are helping with the wider situation, thank you so much. But responses like this one and the one that asks about the minutiae of why my DH spilt with his ex and why I split with my ex are really unhelpful.

My DH split from his ex years before we got together so I wasn’t the OW. He was on his own for a few years then we got together. We have been together a few years and have recently married.

Even though I have my children 100% of the time, they do occasionally holiday with their DF to see family abroad so I still inform him of our holiday plans, most often, now they are older, through the children.

I just think it is courteous to let him know. Even though they are with me 100% if the time, that doesn’t mean they don’t also holiday with their dad. I don’t have to let him know but I do to be polite and he does the same.

oh goodness, that sounds like exactly the type of behaviour we have come to expect. It is beyond frustrating because the impact on me, I can take, even if it does annoy me. I am an adult, I can deal with it and ultimately learn to let it affect me or not. It is the impact on DSD and her step-siblings that I find hard. They will all be looking forward to something and then….chaos and upset!