To be unsure what to do next after DH’s ex’s latest stunt

[vanishingact12]

Recently, my DH and I got married. For context, we have three children between us, two are mine and one is his, all three are teenagers. My two live 100% with us and his child lives with us at least 50% of the time. They all get along very well and think of each other as siblings which is very nice and really rather unexpected. It is always difficult blending families, especially teenagers, however ours has been really pretty seamless. I don’t feel that we have done anything spectacular, we are just very lucky that we have children who are generally very easy going and have welcomed each other into their lives. I have a really good relationship with his child as does my husband with mine.

We are not rich by any stretch of the imagination, but holiday often as that is where we choose to spend our disposable income. This is where the issue is. Every single holiday or happy occasion that we have had in the last year or so has been impacted in a negative way by his ex (his child’s mum). I won’t go into the detail as it really is very outing but she managed to put a real dampener on our wedding, holidays and some occasions that were important to the children where it has been difficult to really relax and celebrate as she causes some kind of upset. It usually impacts on his child so it’s very difficult to ‘ignore’ the issue if you see what I mean.

The most recent is the one that I am most struggling with. We booked a really lovely destination honeymoon and a stunning hotel. We both agreed that we would love it if the children would come and experience it with us. It was an expensive holiday and we had lots of trips and activities planned. A couple of days before the holiday, and as predicted, she became incredibly difficult again. It began by her making a mountain out of a molehill with his child and effectively keeping her away from us for 5 days when she would ordinarily be at ours. My husband was beside himself with upset over it all- a week before we were due to leave for honeymoon. A couple of days before we were due to depart, his ex announced that she had booked a holiday at exactly the same time as our planned honeymoon and would be taking his child with her. We were totally shocked by this, she has done some questionable things in the past but this was very left-field. When we challenged her, she said that she would ask his child to choose who she wanted to come on holiday with, her or us. We were appalled by this so effectively said that we didn’t think that this was fair on the child. She then said that my husband was being unreasonable for making her feel guilty but also, conversely, that he clearly wasn’t bothered as he had effectively not fought to take his child with us. His child therefore went with her mum as his ex was piling on the pressure to abandon our holiday in favour of hers.

The holiday itself was not what it could have been. I have a really good relationship with his child and it put a really unpleasant shadow over the whole holiday. When we got to the hotel and saw her interconnecting room to ours, it made us feel so upset, not to mention the wasted thousands of pounds that could have been spent elsewhere. Our holiday was booked 9 months ago and yet her mum had only booked a week before and informed us only a few days before we were due to depart so no changes to our tickets could be made. It wouldn’t have helped us feel any better that his child wasn’t there, but at least we could have offered the tickets out to a family member or friend but by the time she informed us, it was too late.

So what do we do now? Are we to accept that any happy occasion or holiday will be spoiled for the foreseeable future? I honestly can’t see a way to overcome this kind of behaviour.

Thank you so much. This is really helpful.

How are they holidaying with their dad if they're with you 100% of the time?

Oh OP I wish you well with this.
It's awful for you all.

You can only remain reasonable. Hopefully your step daughter will see it with her own eyes, my niece and nephew did.

If it happens again your husband needs to get a CAO as others have suggested. You are lucky all children get on.
I despair at people being so unreasonable. I think the term now is 'main character syndrome'.
(That's certainly my sister!).

What will you do at Christmas or does DC spend it with her mother?

Because they live with me full time but will sometimes go on holiday with their dad to visit family abroad. So I should say they are with me 99.8% of the time maybe.

Thank you so much. I appreciate your response. I am not too sure yet, to be honest we are a bit hesitant to raise the subject in case it causes another drama. I think the issue is that the last couple of big events, she has chosen to spend with us, which has again, has not improved the situation with her mum.

Do it.
The name calling and bs will be seen for what it is.
This lunatic needs put in her place...jealous manipulating cow.

But she was already doing that. Husband sounds a bit of a whimp

I think you have to keep things as low key as possible for now. UK holidays so there is no passport drama. Don’t give ex any information that is not absolutely necessary. And definitely keep everything documented.
I would take advice from a solicitor well-versed in difficult family matters. The risk with going to court is that DSD is manipulated into claiming she does not want to spend time at yours. You may be awarded less time. And of course the ex has to be told about the proceedings so will have opportunity to influence.

It might be that your DSD will begin to see her mother’s behaviour for what it is. However, it took a LOT of unbelievably poor behaviour from my DSDs mum before they started to understand, so it might be a while. Even now she still has some influence over them and they are both adults.

I think you’re right we may have to start to be much less flexible and much more formal in our approach to try to mitigate the impact on us all. I think that sometimes trying to prevent harm sometimes inadvertently leads to more in the long run possibly. I am still very much at the thinking it through stage. One thing I am certain of though is that something has to change.

But you ARE sharing unnecessary info.

Either stop sharing info about the holidays or accept the disruption or go down the legal route.

This is my DH’s trepidation (and always has been) in terms of formality with court. In an ideal world, fairness would prevail and something formal would be put in place that benefits the child, so maybe 50/50 with set holiday dates etc. to avoid situations like this. However, this is very often not the case with manipulative people, in my experience, as they will not put the needs of the child first and act only to satisfy themselves.

What is the point of this irrelevant questioning?

Sorry, what's a CAO?

Child access order

In this case though, I think what we would then have to do is not tell any of the children what we have planned or where we are going so that my DSD doesn’t find out and share it with her mum. So for my older teens I would have to say ‘we are going on holiday, can’t tell you when or where’. I’m just not sure how that would work. We wouldn’t even be able to speak about it at home in case we were overheard which seems a little cloak and dagger and not a great way to plan a holiday. Her mum gets to book and talk about going on holiday freely and share details with my DSD and we are encouraging of that.
We usually say, ‘we are going on holiday to x place, what kinds of things would you like to do there? Would you like to come?’ And then we would tell her mum where (usually just the country) we are going to and what dates so that we don’t overlap.
I think something more formal is the only reasonable solution here but that, of course, comes with it’s own issues.

Thank you, I completely agree. Families are all so very different. Just because my children live with me doesn’t mean that they don’t want to occasionally go on holiday with their dad to see extended family abroad. It’s a great opportunity for them and I welcome it.

This all really has fuck all to do with the ex doing everything she could to wreck the nice holiday that OP had booked and included DSD in. The excuses and lack of accountability for the behaviour of some ex wives is ridiculous.

I have a DC and an ex husband, and I would be delighted if he and his wife wanted to take DC on a lovely holiday (they don’t). Why would I deliberately ruin nice things for my own child?

I think the court angle is the one way to show the ex that this is the line in the sand. My friend has an unhinged ex, she does all the things you are saying but he refuses to back down, it has been back to court several times as they have been divorced for over 10 years.

The other thing I would absolutely do is inform your DSD's school that this is happening all the time. Hopefully she gets supported within school by an independent person who can guide her through being put in the middle, but always by her Mother. Potentially consider counselling for her too.

Even when they can see the behaviour of a parent it doesn't make it easy to know how to deal with it and they still love that parent. It must be very hard for her.

I would look into parental alienation and get legal advice. This should absolutely be the final straw. You need it to go to court. The holiday and forcing her to choose which parent to go with and I guarantee you her Mum said she would be on her own and her Dad would have you, was incredibly cruel. It stops now.

I know you said she kept her from you for 5 days but your Dh could have gone and collected her from school and kept her with you too. There is no court order in place to say she has to be at her Mum's either. This goes two ways.

Yeah, as others say, speak to her. Ask what she wants and feels and make it clear you understand how difficult it is for her.

Sorry I don't think it does have 'fuck all to do with' it. How the dh treated his ex / how the relationship broke up could have everything to do with how the ex feels now. That's not saying she's justified in her actions, but it gives more context and understanding - if we're allowed to try and understand her behaviour that is. Rather than just screeching that she's an unreasonable nutcase (or similar).

Pretty sure that if a relationship broke up mutually and many years ago - an ex wife wouldn't be behaving in this way now. It just doesn't make sense.

There are so many threads about blended family issues on here and what shines is what should really matter - you provide a loving home for DSD who is 13. She is like a sibling to your DC. You give her stability, love, care and resources.
Drop the rope on the holidays for a bit. You shouldn’t be looking at a room and being sad DSD is not there. It’s too much pressure for you all, and a constant battle. Stop letting all these holidays be your thing… for a while.
Go on foreign trips with your DH if you really need to.
Do UK trips with your DSD.
She’s not a fool she will know her mum is causing issues, but she’s her mum at the end of the day.
I think she’s old enough to be told that her mum gets very upset over these foreign trips and you want her to have stability and not upset.
Time will fly and she will be able to decide.
Until then take the big win - you have three DC who are happy and healthy in your home.,

I know she is "only" 13 but I wouldn't be above saying to her that if she tells her mum when and where you are all going on holiday in advance she will book something to stop her going with you. It's the truth.

I absolutely agree

The best thing you could do IMO is to get your DSD a therapist. A neutral third party she can talk to as the manipulation from her mum will be very damaging. You and DH can't say anything without being cast as alienating her against her mum and will also make DSD feel more like piggy in the middle. P.s. you sound like a wonderful step-mum.

I think you discuss with DSD if she would like a specific steps order made in court that would protect holidays and events. That which ever person books a holiday or event and informs the other parent in writing takes precedence. I would also include that your DH holds her passport. Perhaps also get Christmas and Easter included in the order if that is what DSD wants. She will likely be mightily pleased that she can no longer be made piggy in the middle by her Mum.