To be unsure what to do next after DH’s ex’s latest stunt

[vanishingact12]

Recently, my DH and I got married. For context, we have three children between us, two are mine and one is his, all three are teenagers. My two live 100% with us and his child lives with us at least 50% of the time. They all get along very well and think of each other as siblings which is very nice and really rather unexpected. It is always difficult blending families, especially teenagers, however ours has been really pretty seamless. I don’t feel that we have done anything spectacular, we are just very lucky that we have children who are generally very easy going and have welcomed each other into their lives. I have a really good relationship with his child as does my husband with mine.

We are not rich by any stretch of the imagination, but holiday often as that is where we choose to spend our disposable income. This is where the issue is. Every single holiday or happy occasion that we have had in the last year or so has been impacted in a negative way by his ex (his child’s mum). I won’t go into the detail as it really is very outing but she managed to put a real dampener on our wedding, holidays and some occasions that were important to the children where it has been difficult to really relax and celebrate as she causes some kind of upset. It usually impacts on his child so it’s very difficult to ‘ignore’ the issue if you see what I mean.

The most recent is the one that I am most struggling with. We booked a really lovely destination honeymoon and a stunning hotel. We both agreed that we would love it if the children would come and experience it with us. It was an expensive holiday and we had lots of trips and activities planned. A couple of days before the holiday, and as predicted, she became incredibly difficult again. It began by her making a mountain out of a molehill with his child and effectively keeping her away from us for 5 days when she would ordinarily be at ours. My husband was beside himself with upset over it all- a week before we were due to leave for honeymoon. A couple of days before we were due to depart, his ex announced that she had booked a holiday at exactly the same time as our planned honeymoon and would be taking his child with her. We were totally shocked by this, she has done some questionable things in the past but this was very left-field. When we challenged her, she said that she would ask his child to choose who she wanted to come on holiday with, her or us. We were appalled by this so effectively said that we didn’t think that this was fair on the child. She then said that my husband was being unreasonable for making her feel guilty but also, conversely, that he clearly wasn’t bothered as he had effectively not fought to take his child with us. His child therefore went with her mum as his ex was piling on the pressure to abandon our holiday in favour of hers.

The holiday itself was not what it could have been. I have a really good relationship with his child and it put a really unpleasant shadow over the whole holiday. When we got to the hotel and saw her interconnecting room to ours, it made us feel so upset, not to mention the wasted thousands of pounds that could have been spent elsewhere. Our holiday was booked 9 months ago and yet her mum had only booked a week before and informed us only a few days before we were due to depart so no changes to our tickets could be made. It wouldn’t have helped us feel any better that his child wasn’t there, but at least we could have offered the tickets out to a family member or friend but by the time she informed us, it was too late.

So what do we do now? Are we to accept that any happy occasion or holiday will be spoiled for the foreseeable future? I honestly can’t see a way to overcome this kind of behaviour.

Relationship end was mutual and some years ago. My DSD was conflicted. By the time she knew about it her mum had presented it as a done deal, ‘you are coming with me in holiday’ so I think she didn’t really have a choice. We could have fought it but that would have made us act in the same way as her mum by making her choose which feels incredibly unfair to her.

Without intervention it likely she has a lifetime of this 💔

My husbands ex is like this too apart from the taking the child on another holiday at the same time but if we tell her in good faith for example we let her know that we was taking kids for a caravan holiday at the seaside for bank holiday weekend so she knew where child was. She said he did not have her permission, he said he didn't need it (he has PR, it was in the UK and it was weekend child was meant to be spending time with him as per CAO), she said fine and then on the Friday of the holiday she lied to the school saying she had denist and picked her up early so he couldn't get her for the weekend.

I would now do UK based holidays and suprise kids with it so mum doesn't find out until after so you at least get some holidays that are nice. Then you can take her abroad once child is old enough.

I agree. I think maybe that we are trying to avoid conflict too much and in turn giving her mum free rein to behave however she pleases. Every time I think about really digging in on a boundary, I feel that it is causing pressure on my DSD as she is the one who has to go back to her mum’s and face the guilt trips and hear her dad being moaned about and name called

We went through very similar so learnt to keep everything secret until sd was with us, including our wedding. Her mum still kicked off and used the secrecy to manipulate sd further but at the time we had no choice. She did eventually back off but it took a year and she was so disruptive to almost every day of that year.
We stopped abroad holidays as a family until sd was 17, the fuss and fall out just wasn’t worth it.
Sadly what happened is sd became like her mum and kicked off at every opportunity she could if she thought we were doing something other than sitting indoors everytime she wasn’t with us. I have no advice because just saying no to bm is easier said than done when she holds the passport etc. Good luck, dealing with this sort of nonsense is upsetting and very damaging to the child

She’s obviously a manipulative control freak who is used to getting her own way. Her DD will grow up to resent this and her for it. I think your DH may need a court order to prevent her doing things like this again.

You’re not alone OP.

Many of us have had to deal with this - while sad, I’m glad to hear of other stories as when you post on MN sometimes no one can fathom an ex wife/mum acting this way.

It does get easier and at 13 the child will start to see for herself what is going on.

I do second the comments about don’t tell the mum anything. You can also start disclosing more about the issues to the child. Don’t let her think you’ve not wanted to take her.

Good luck <3

His ex has behaved appallingly and jealously.

I hope DH isn’t paying her maintenance and is just covering his half of uniform, school expenses etc?

Does ex get the child benefit?

Thank you for sharing this, it is actually comforting to know that as sad as the situation is, we are not the only ones experiencing this. I think we may have to holiday alone or possibly book very, very last minute

To be honest, what strikes me is that your view of things is very polarised, with you and your partner offering this idyllic, perfect family set up with wonderful holidays, exquisite parenting etc, whereas the mom emerges from your account as an appalling person and mother in all ways.

And perhaps this is the truth. But in my experience things are rarely black and white like this.

I would suggest trying to delve a bit deeper perhaps into what is going on for your SD here. After all, she chose to go on the holiday with her mom, despite the very expensive and luxury trip you offered her......

Taking the position that you and your partner are perfect and their mom is inexplicably evil won't solve or change anything. And I wonder what SD feels about it.

Apologies if I am wrong, and your account is entirely fair - obviously I can't know. It's just what struck me as I read it.

I think you need to talk to DSD. Was she aware of being invited to the holiday honeymoon and how did she feel at missing out?

I think I would ensure all communication is in a written format, even text messages, and keep copies of these to show her that you had made bookings that included her and her mums response each time is to block it. At 13 she is old enough to make choices. While you say her mum lets her do what she wants a lot of kids recognise what good parenting looks like and know this is not normal, so she probably does prefer being with her dad.

My only other suggestion is to see a family solicitor for advice and whether a more formal arrangement could be put in place regarding holidays.

OP hasn’t said or implied the ex is evil. You’re criticising the OP for your own hyperbolic extrapolations.

No, despite repeated requests we don’t pay maintenance. That’s another repeating saga that we have to deal with. We pay for uniform and have asked for half but she refused. We also pay and facilitate all extra curricular activities and trips. Our view is, that we can’t have my DSD go without, so we pay. It doesn’t make it any less frustrating but we feel like can’t point these things out to our DSD without ‘point scoring’. And yes….she indeed does get the child benefit.

I think it may be worth getting a formal arrangement in place. You can position it as "to avoid holiday clashes in the future" and this can put in place all the elements including who pays for school trips etx so there's no confusion.

So she’s a CF too. What does she want the maintenance for?

We don’t think she is evil. If anything, we are beating the brunt of giving her as much consideration as possible in informing her of what might impact her e.g. holidays etc early so that she has the opportunity to holiday herself or enjoy her own pursuits for example, in the knowledge that she does not have my DSD that week. We always facilitate buying of birthday and Christmas gifts for his ex which are thoughtful and considered and never bad mouth her to my DSD. Which is, unfortunately, not reciprocated.

We don’t think our parenting is exquisite or run down the activities she does do with her mum. No parent is flawless and we encourage and celebrate the times she goes places with her mum. Again, maybe to our detriment.

A honeymoon is a holiday for newly married couples. If the couple is taking children in the holiday, its not a honeymoon.

Thank you, I can’t see anywhere where I have implied his ex is evil. We totally understand that her mum’s parenting style is her own and that we are no more in a position to dictate that as she should be, and we don’t except where safety has been an issue.

Again, unfortunately, this hasn’t been the case with the reverse where it appears she is being discouraged from obeying school rules and doing creative activities (educationally related) in the evenings.

This Is making my DH and I second guess ourselves, if we put down boundaries such as study, challenging when being rude etc then her mum will run with it and double down on the running my husband down to my DSD and then manipulate my DSD into staying with her. If we don’t put those structures in place, we know that she won’t reach her potential.

I wonder is jealous of your life style being able to offer more to her daughter than she can afford?

I really am not too sure. We are asked repeatedly but always refuse.

In that case, I am quite happy to call it a holiday. Whether it was our honeymoon or a holiday matters not to me. The only reason I mentioned that it was our honeymoon was to illustrate that it was a much anticipated holiday where we had pushed the boat out for a one-off occasion. We would not have wanted to spend so much money without considering the children. Yes, we were the ones getting married but they have gained step brothers and sisters too so it felt as though it would be nice for them to also celebrate.

His ex is clearly prepared to go to some lengths when a situation makes her uncomfortable. This is who she is, and that won't change, so your husband may have to change tack and minimise her discomfort.
I imagine your perfect seamless blend looks very different to her on the outside and that she feels upset and threatened that her ex and her child are in a family unit that no longer involves her. Obviously she 'should' be the bigger person and be nothing but delighted on her daughters behalf. But she can't and won't, so your husband deals with what he has.
In practical terms I'd suggest he proactively and demonstrably coparents with her, rather than seeming to slot his parenting into his new family with you in the mum role. So before big events he has a conversation with her about the role their daughter will play and involves her in the decision. He may think why should he when she's behaving unreasonably. But the goal here is peace and sometimes one person had to work harder than the other for that.

Unfortunately, I agree that this may be the case. I think the jealousy is multifaceted in that it is both the lifestyle (again, I feel like I have to say that we are absolutely not wealthy, just comfortable and are lucky enough to have low outgoings) but also I feel it might be mine and my DH’s relationship and the relationship I have with my DSD. We do a lot together and get on very well. I understand that this may be difficult for her mum but surely, as an adult, one can suck these things up a little in the knowledge that her daughter has an unexpected but hopefully positive influence of another adult on her life. I know that’s how I would feel if my children had the same with their dad’s partner.

It’s not too late for your DH to go to court for a CAO. As DSD is 13 her wishes and feelings will be considered and as you’ve already sorted the 50/50 living arrangements , the specific issue seems to be holidays. The court could specify arrangements in an order which hopefully she’d be less likely to break
It’s a shame that you can’t sort this out away from court for the sake of DSD but seems like this is the last bit of control that the ex has over DH & she may not relinquish unless she has to

I’ve been through this with my dc. Every single event, celebration or holiday was tainted by his silly behaviour. We literally had to keep things secret which was very difficult. My dc wasn’t far off in age (12) when I sat him down and asked him if he’d noticed what was happening. He got cross and says his dad wouldn’t do that on purpose. I told him that I’m just asking him to watch as a holiday was coming up.

low and behold two days before the holiday and ex starts. Picks dc up from school for dinner and then refuses to bring him home. Keeps him just long enough for us to miss our train then dumps him back home.

as soon as dc walks in he says “ok I see it”. dc started standing up against him over the next few years. He’d call his dad out. Everytime he badmouthed me dc would tell ex that I never even hardly bring him up in conversation let alone slag him off so please stop.

I’ve no real advise apart from being honest with the dc now. In a gentle way not being nasty about their mum, in fact this is a job for their dad not you I think.

you know 25 years later and ex still tries to ruin special occasions. He’s had a few hospital admissions for mystery illnesses on our big family occasions or milestone birthdays. It’s a running joke now between our dc. Silly man looks a fool