To not have sex unless I actually want to

[OverOverOverAgain]

Me and my husband been having issues for last couple of years. We have young kids amd full time jobs and we have grown apart. We don't have much in common

Tonight we had a "chat" after a month or so of barely saying two words to each other

I've slept in spare room for months. My choice. I find it hard to sleep next to a man I barely talk to for days.

He said our lack of sex life was a driver in our issues. I said its a symptom of the issues, not the cause. He disagreed and said we should schedule sex and commit to regular sex and the closeness and love will follow

I said "but I don't want to have sex when its so frosty between us" and he said "so?". And I said "i have to want it"

He replied "well I'd rather you want to have sex but even if you dont - I'd rather you just did it anyway - because I need ti have sex, and our relationship needs it. You refusing is causing huge distance" and so on.

Im just sat here by myself at 11pm on a Sunday unable to sleep mulling it over in my head

But it feels like a really shitty thing to have said. But maybe there is a grain of truth to it. I need some advice!

I think we as women underestimate how important sex is to men.

What horseshit. Men never stop letting women (from a horrifyingly young age) know if their penis is happy, what will make it happy, and whingeing if it's sad. And sadly even women on this thread think sex is so important to men that OP should get on with it like she's a wank sock, rather than her husband actually being a partner in a marriage.

*NAMALT!!!!!

I feel like a broken record at this point but honestly it’s worth saying yet again what I clocked right from the start and have said many times upthread - this is not just about sex!! It’s about control, ego and misogyny.

Because even a self centred man lacking in emotional intelligence, if he was desperate for sex he would try and do the things his partner wants - at least for a while in order to get what he wants again.

OP, he is not “not getting it”. This man is deliberately refusing to do what you want and instead is putting energy into wearing you down because he wants sex - BUT not at the cost of his ego.

He wants it his way - through manipulation and pressure. He does not want to “concede” anything to you at all by modifying his behaviour, because for him that’s a loss. He doesn’t see you as worthy of romance and charm and affection. That is why he is sneering about the idea of taking you to harvester. And it is telling that harvester the only place he can think of for a date for you!

It’s so easy to say “ I love you” but none of his actions are showing that. His resentment of you is growing and to a man like this - you are useful but not valuable.

I guarantee men like this if they were to find a new and younger woman tomorrow they would bring out all the bells and whistle and impress her. They would suddenly “get it” then.

Yup. I agree (as someone who has endured and survived two abusive bastards)

His behaviour really is textbook abusive misogynist right? Well done on surviving the bastards 🌺

and you were spot on with this : He DOESNT WANT to have to put work into you because you are there to service him.
End of
He has nothing but contempt for your feelings

I hope @OverOverOverAgain reads that, reflects and reads it again and repeat - until it sinks in and she fully grasps what’s going on and who she is dealing with. It’s so hard to see when you’re in the middle of it.

Completely text book.

Hormonal?! The gaslighted from women here is repulsive.

Have you even bothered to read all of OPs posts?

It’s quite disturbing the amount of posters who are completely missing the fact that she’s being treated like an object, and clearly has been for some time and are instead looking for reasons to find her at fault for not being attracted to an abusive pig.

Where in my post have I said she should keep doing it? Your reading and comprehension skills leave a lot to be desired.

This is so sad to read.

I feel really sorry for you OP.

For what it's worth, my dc were the same age as yours (you mentioned under 7) when xh left and they have been completely fine. They see him a lot. They're now 14 and 16 and have never even asked why we split, it's just normal to them. They're loved and very happy. You can do it.

If you don't ever want sex with your DH then divorce him. You are no longer compatible. He wants sex and you don't. He'll look elsewhere then you'll end up hating him.

Why mention it then if its not a suggestion? My comprehension skills are just fine thanks, that's why im able to read and understand all of OPs posts and not suggest stupid things such as having sex she doesn't want.

You are stuck.. its stalemate...he wants sex but won't make any effort in other areas and you want efforts in other areas and don't want sex. Neither of you is willing to budge. I highly doubt if he suddenly started to do the housework and bring you flowers and take you out for dinner, that you would suddenly be all over him. Sounds like its unsalavagable now. Divorce doesn't have to be a disaster for your children...its not that unusual. It's probably better than living with parents who are together, resentful and miserable as sin

We don’t need assumptions. We have OPs posts.

@JHound ,

‘We don’t need assumptions. We have OPs posts.’

Do we not?

‘Me and my husband been having issues for last couple of years. We have young kids amd full time jobs and we have grown apart.

We don't have much in common

Tonight we had a "chat" after a month or so of barely saying two words to each other

I've slept in spare room for months. My choice. I find it hard to sleep next to a man I barely talk to for days.’

Don’t you think this background has any relevance at all? I don’t think we know why and how they have grown apart. We don’t really know why they haven’t spoken for a month.

We know he resents the lack of sex. We know she resents his lack of input into the practical side of the marriage.

Most people would say that a woman whose husband hardly ever had sex with her (sounds like it has been months) could become resentful. I don’t think many would suggest that she dress up nicely and buy him a slap up meal.

And, we don’t actually know the tone or the words which he used to suggest they get back into the habit of having sex. Was it rapey or was it more a desperate plea? I don’t think scheduled sex is ever a solution to a broken relationship but some people say it helps.

The reality is that people make a hell of a lot of assumptions on this kind of thread, generally sex-based, as in if a man complains about lack of sex, he is rapey. If a woman complains, the man needs to sort himself out.

Now, note, I am not for a moment suggesting that she agrees to his suggestion. I think it would be awful as it sounds like the marriage is over. However, if they did go and see a professional counsellor, which I think would be a good idea, they would go a lot deeper than assuming he is a ‘rapey pig’ and she has been the epitome of a good wife. Real relationships are rarely like that (apart from abusive ones, and the OP has not suggested abuse).

Sorry @caringcarer , no idea why my post has quoted yours! Apologies

Thank goodness some posters get it.

He knows exactly what he should be doing but he simply doesn't want to.

All the convoluted excuses that MN posters provide will never convince us otherwise.

He wants to live his life as it suits him.
Don nothing, controbute nothing, be a shit husband and father.

Have the convenience of a wife and family, a home, and sex on tap from a women he doesn't give a shit about.

He doesn't even like the OP.
This marriage is long long over.

Far far beyond counselling.
Mediation for the divorce.

No we don’t need assumptions as to her what her husband’s behaviour means. We have her posts which make his behaviour clear.

Most people would say that a woman whose husband hardly ever had sex with her (sounds like it has been months) could become resentful. I don’t think many would suggest that she dress up nicely and buy him a slap up meal.

You’ve this arse about face. OP’s lack of desire to have sex is a RESPONSE to his refusal to perform any emotional or any other kind of labour in the relationship. If a woman’s husband did not want to have sex with her because she was a shitty partner then absolutely I would say she needs to make an effort to be a good partner and properly contribute to the household.

Now, note, I am not for a moment suggesting that she agrees to his suggestion.

I think you are, actually. He wants her to have sex she doesn't want and sneers and snaps at the mere suggestion that he do anything at all that might help her to want it, and you're complaining that he's being called rapey, wanging on about blame games and suggesting she's not a good wife. He is rapey, though - that's what it is when you insist a woman should have sex she doesn't want - and when a man is rapey there really is only one place for blame. You know this, surely?

As for her not being a perfect wife, that's neither here nor there. Flawed, imperfect and even downright horrible women should not be pressured to have sex they don't want. There isn't a purity test for it. Do you need to be told?

@ThatCyanCat ,

‘I think you are, actually.’

Umm, it’s not Orwellian newspeak. Not means not. That wasn’t my first post on this thread, and I have been consistent throughout.

Much as you might like to have a row, I don’t care about your straw man. Enjoy beating him down though; I hope you feel better for it.

All I have done is offer what I consider my best advice, which was to have therapy as a way towards a divorce. I have been consistent in that.

Yep there's a rapey undertone for sure.

Why on earth would a man think he's just entitled to sex without putting any effort in?

It's been decades since rape in marriage was legal.

A more self-congratulatory post of denial it would be hard to find, but I still prefer it to the one/s where you took the situation of a man trying to browbeat a woman into unwanted sex and started trying to make it a discussion of "blame games" and "but what if she's not perfect", denying the rapey overtones and all the rest of it. It's all there, everyone can see it.

Quite.

Not to mention his refusal to have one single care for her needs at all.

Hel, even his suggestions of what she needs to do in the bedroom have fuck all to do with her needs of pleasure - he just wants her to service him.

it’s utterly depressing how do many women in this thread cannot see it for what it is.

I despair.

I am not convinced that all of them are women.

If he doesn't want to make the effort to make you want to rip his clothes off, then he can fuck off.

Wouldnt be the first time they have invaded.