Page 15 | To not have sex unless I actually want to

PruLeithsNecklace · 19/10/2026 16:28

I really couldn’t have sex with someone that I didn’t want to, I think there’s a difference between not wanting to have sex with him at all and occasionally not wanting to have sex with him because you’re tired/sad/busy or whatever, and it sounds like you’re the first one.

CrazyMidget · 19/10/2026 16:44

NoHotGirlsInHell · 19/10/2026 07:35

Men need sex to feel connected. Women need to feel connected to have sex. It’s a problem in a lot of relationships.

I refer to it as God's little joke.

OP, he is sounding less and less appealing with every post. If he mocks your needs like that, of course you don't want to sleep with him! I really would recommend marriage counselling. It will help him be less angry at you even if you still end up splitting.

CrazyMidget · 19/10/2026 16:54

theearthsayshello · 19/10/2026 06:28

No, it's not. The link you produced was just some ai blurb. It's definitely not established, at all.

And even if it was (and it's not) it's simply not relevant to this at all. What you are claiming is that men don't feel loved if they can't access a fuck. Well, maybe, maybe not. It doesn't actually matter however.

He is a pigman. Decent men don't turn into pigmen who use women as wank tools just because they feel unloved. So whether he's feeling unloved or not doesn't matter. He's still a pigman.

He barely speaks to her, has ignored all possible efforts she has made to fix this and has instructed her he wants at least a fucking handjob and that he's fine with her accepting being his masturbatory tool against her choice.

This is not "feeling unloved" this is pigman behaviour.

He's a pigman who treats her like shit. That's why she no longer fancies him.

It might have been fixable once, but since his choice was to ignore her attempts to fix things and happily sleep alone while barely speaking 2 words to her from time to time, it is no longer fixable.

And reasonable, decent men do not ever turn into pigmen just because they no longer have access to sex.

The fact that men might feel unloved (which is certainly not established) if they can't get their rocks off is not, actually, relevant in the slightest to the OP.

So please stop making excuses for pigmen. It's disturbing.

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The link was to a collection of sources. Men connect through sex while women connect before sex. It's a generalisation but it's widely true. Everyone on this thread seems to accept that sex difference except you!

This does NOT mean that any woman should have sex in a bad relationship or when they don't want to. And don't tell me I'm making excuses for bad men or that it's "disturbing." I said, very clearly, "This is not a comment on OP's relationship or husband."

It is NOT a reason for women to have sex that they don't want. It IS a reason to consider how men connect differently from us, as long as you are in a healthy relationship. It might look like making an effort to get into sex when you're feeling a bit lazy but you do love and fancy your husband.

So get away with your "disturbing" and telling me I'm making excuses for him. I was very clear indeed that that's not what I meant.

PyongyangKipperbang · 19/10/2026 16:58

My favourite description of the man/woman difference is "Women need a reason to have sex, men just need a place".

Treehorns · 19/10/2026 17:10

A man so lazy and entrenched in his entitlement will never meet you in the middle.

Get legal advice and get planning your divorce.

Naunet · 19/10/2026 17:11

CrazyMidget · 19/10/2026 16:54

The link was to a collection of sources. Men connect through sex while women connect before sex. It's a generalisation but it's widely true. Everyone on this thread seems to accept that sex difference except you!

This does NOT mean that any woman should have sex in a bad relationship or when they don't want to. And don't tell me I'm making excuses for bad men or that it's "disturbing." I said, very clearly, "This is not a comment on OP's relationship or husband."

It is NOT a reason for women to have sex that they don't want. It IS a reason to consider how men connect differently from us, as long as you are in a healthy relationship. It might look like making an effort to get into sex when you're feeling a bit lazy but you do love and fancy your husband.

So get away with your "disturbing" and telling me I'm making excuses for him. I was very clear indeed that that's not what I meant.

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I will never understand how this argument is made when women arent having sex with their husbands, but when women have casual sex, the message from society is that its WOMEN who develop feelings and men dont. How can both of these things be true?

SlightlyTerrifiedButPolite · 19/10/2026 17:14

I would try to do couples therapy - he needs a therapist to explain to him it’s not sex first, the emotional intimacy needs to improve. He doesn’t seem to be able to hear it from you. I HATE the “love languages” ‘theory’ it’s so reductive - the reality is you’re f*cked if your relationship doesn’t contain some element of all five of them. But no, you just pick two 🤷🏻‍♀️

LizzieSiddal · 19/10/2026 17:25

He sounds absolutly awful. It’s not ok for anyone to suggest you have sex even if you don’t want to. It’s manipulative and coercive. The fact you barely speak to each other for weeks on end is not good for anyone living in that house, especially your dc. They are growing up thinking that is normal and it is not. You seem to realise this whilst all he is worried about is sex, he has very weird priorities.

I know so many women who have huge regrets about staying with their H for decades after they knew the marriage was over. I find it so sad, don’t be one of them.

LizzieSiddal · 19/10/2026 17:28

SlightlyTerrifiedButPolite · 19/10/2026 17:14

I would try to do couples therapy - he needs a therapist to explain to him it’s not sex first, the emotional intimacy needs to improve. He doesn’t seem to be able to hear it from you. I HATE the “love languages” ‘theory’ it’s so reductive - the reality is you’re f*cked if your relationship doesn’t contain some element of all five of them. But no, you just pick two 🤷🏻‍♀️

Why does the OP need to waste her valuable time at therapy? The OP has already told her H, “sex is not first”, if the H can’t take his wives word for it, he doesn’t deserve to be in a relationship.

JHound · 19/10/2026 17:44

Naunet · 19/10/2026 17:11

I will never understand how this argument is made when women arent having sex with their husbands, but when women have casual sex, the message from society is that its WOMEN who develop feelings and men dont. How can both of these things be true?

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It’s rather convenient isn’t it.

Nearly50omg · 19/10/2026 17:57

Buy him a sex doll

Anyahyacinth · 19/10/2026 18:07

startthedaywithkindnesd · 19/10/2026 00:50

The bottom line is this .. if you don’t want to have sex with him then don’t. However you no longer have a marriage. You are housemates … not even that. As long as you are ready for a split household then that is what needs to happen.

Do they no longer have a marriage if the woman has sex that isn't satisfying or pleasant?

The obligation to have sex seems very one sided, seems like you are describing a receptical not mutual sex in a healthy relationship

Moohiganny · 19/10/2026 18:13

OverOverOverAgain · 19/10/2026 12:11

I do understand he feels rejected or sad to not be desired. But it certainly isnt to do with physical appearance. He's at the gym everyday. And i dont really care about that stuff anyway but he is in great shape. He just cannot comprehend that the reason I dont want to sleep with him is because of the distance between us, the lack of communication, the lack of equal effort, and so on. He thinks im being ridiculous. We have talked many times about it and he refuses to accept or even to understand it. Last night was the first time he suggested the solution is i just force myself and then everything else will improve by itself.

So sorry OP. He has this opinion because he has no respect for you and only cares about himself. He doesn't like you 😔

You need to stop wasting anymore time thinking about or analyzing it, and spend it planning the divorce. It's over.

Original poster

OverOverOverAgain · 19/10/2026 18:45

Divorcing him is going to be hell. My poor kids.

OP posts:

ThatCyanCat · 19/10/2026 18:55

OverOverOverAgain · 19/10/2026 18:45

Divorcing him is going to be hell. My poor kids.

How old are they?

Besidemyselfwithworry · 19/10/2026 18:57

OverOverOverAgain · 18/10/2026 22:59

Me and my husband been having issues for last couple of years. We have young kids amd full time jobs and we have grown apart. We don't have much in common

Tonight we had a "chat" after a month or so of barely saying two words to each other

I've slept in spare room for months. My choice. I find it hard to sleep next to a man I barely talk to for days.

He said our lack of sex life was a driver in our issues. I said its a symptom of the issues, not the cause. He disagreed and said we should schedule sex and commit to regular sex and the closeness and love will follow

I said "but I don't want to have sex when its so frosty between us" and he said "so?". And I said "i have to want it"

He replied "well I'd rather you want to have sex but even if you dont - I'd rather you just did it anyway - because I need ti have sex, and our relationship needs it. You refusing is causing huge distance" and so on.

Im just sat here by myself at 11pm on a Sunday unable to sleep mulling it over in my head

But it feels like a really shitty thing to have said. But maybe there is a grain of truth to it. I need some advice!

youve landed yourself a right one there
if you’re sleeping separately and barely speak why on earth are you still together?
get rid

worldshottestmom · 19/10/2026 19:12

Oh, OP. Any man using whatever words he can think of to coerced you into non-consensual sex because "he needs it" (gag) deserves to be in prison. I forced myself into sex with my ex for the same reasons and it just made me resent him further. It changed nothing and just made things worse. Just leave now instead of wasting more time. Sorry you're in the situation.

worldshottestmom · 19/10/2026 19:13

OverOverOverAgain · 19/10/2026 18:45

Divorcing him is going to be hell. My poor kids.

You're kids will be worse off witnessing you hate him and him use and abuse you. Leaving now is for the best, don't ever let him convince you you're ruining their lives etc by doing this. You are acting in their best interests.

worldshottestmom · 19/10/2026 19:13

Nearly50omg · 19/10/2026 17:57

Buy him a sex doll

Then divorce him.

kkloo · 19/10/2026 19:18

NoHotGirlsInHell · 19/10/2026 07:35

Men need sex to feel connected. Women need to feel connected to have sex. It’s a problem in a lot of relationships.

Often the problems starts when the couple are having regular sex.
The problem then tends to be that other behaviour, not this general difference.

MongoosePerfume · 19/10/2026 19:26

This is horrific for you op. He wants it all on his terms.

if you aren’t there yet in terms of divorce, would he go for relationship counselling? It might help someone point out to him his mindset needs to shift. It also might help you separate more amicably.

MyCrushWithEyeliner · 19/10/2026 19:27

CrazyMidget · 19/10/2026 01:33

@Griselinia Ugh, your "out of nowhere" comment just reminded me of when my marriage was in its death throes but we were still valiantly trying. He couldn't be bothered with foreplay, so he got this glob of lube and just put it on my vulva, with no warning - it was quite dark. It was cold, and unexpected, and it really felt like someone just dropped a lump of ice cream onto my undercarriage. I have never experienced anything so deeply and utterly unsexy. I wish I could remember if we then had sex. If we did, clearly it was very memorable!!

That must have been horrible for you.

I literally crossed my legs reading that.

LetGoLetThem1234 · 19/10/2026 19:29

So he doesn't care about you, your feelings, the state of the relationship: he just wants sex!

He doesn't give a damn about what the impact will be on you, (by having sex when you really don't want).

So I think separate marriage counselling for about 3 months so that you can think straight. Pick your counsellor carefully, it may take a few trys before you find someone whom you feel understands you and you feel comfortable enough to be entirely honest.

You're carrying a lot of responsibility and guilt for things, this is warping you view.

I hope that you are able to find a way through this situation.

I think in a good healthy marriage or long term relationship your partner would care about your feelings.

Especially when it comes to sex.

PyongyangKipperbang · 19/10/2026 19:30

His solution is that if you make him happy then the marriage will be happy.

Do you see the issue? Not only doesnt he care if you want the sex as long as he gets it, he also doenst care what you need to be happy in the marriage.

This is not salvageable and your kids will be ok in the long run. Right now they are living in a miserable household with a resentful mother and selfish useless father. Far better for them to be with you thriving than to stay like this.

Given that you pay all the bills, is it likely that he will contest a divorce because he doesnt want to pay his own way?

Boomboomi · 19/10/2026 19:32

Hi Op

My dh who is a gentle man spoke to me several times times like this .
it was out of character for him , and I think because he was desperate.

He used to say things like’ i want to have more sex before I get too old ‘ and get really grumpy and angry- which again was out of character .
He became very clumsy in his approach and just pushed me instead of being romantic or whatever.
Like can we christen the new caravan - no build up
i think he sensed I didnt want to - which put me off him .

If he had been less pushy I would have felt I had more space - he sounded a bit like your husband.

I would try to find out if this is the real him ot a clumsy immature approach born out of desperation. I am not saying have sex cos he is desperate - but if be wanting to find out about is this a sign of lack of communication in the main / poor communication.

If it was me- it would be time to seek counselling - to support you both and unpick things .