To not have sex unless I actually want to

[OverOverOverAgain]

Me and my husband been having issues for last couple of years. We have young kids amd full time jobs and we have grown apart. We don't have much in common

Tonight we had a "chat" after a month or so of barely saying two words to each other

I've slept in spare room for months. My choice. I find it hard to sleep next to a man I barely talk to for days.

He said our lack of sex life was a driver in our issues. I said its a symptom of the issues, not the cause. He disagreed and said we should schedule sex and commit to regular sex and the closeness and love will follow

I said "but I don't want to have sex when its so frosty between us" and he said "so?". And I said "i have to want it"

He replied "well I'd rather you want to have sex but even if you dont - I'd rather you just did it anyway - because I need ti have sex, and our relationship needs it. You refusing is causing huge distance" and so on.

Im just sat here by myself at 11pm on a Sunday unable to sleep mulling it over in my head

But it feels like a really shitty thing to have said. But maybe there is a grain of truth to it. I need some advice!

I have read all your posts, but everything up to this one was basically ‘I don’t want to have sex but he does’.

And then here you mention he doesn’t help but is that the actual reason?

If so, sit down with a list of jobs, tell him he’s got xxx amount of time to pull his weight and you won’t consider any sex talk until you are each doing your fair share without you having to mention it all the time.

Can you imagine if in two months time you have an equally shared out marriage? What would you feel then? Would you still think ‘eww’ at the thought of sex with him?

Are you sexually turned off because you are ‘mummy’ to him because he’s useless? Or are you turned off anyway and nothing will fix it? I only ask because it struck me that you only mentioned jobs this morning, it wasn’t part of your OP or subsequent posts yesterday

He doesn't sound desperate in that way at all, if he was he'd put effort into the relationship and do date nights, he doesn't pull his weight at home and instead ridicules the OP for mentioning anything like that.

OP also said He watches his wife struggle. Work full time. While doing 99% of everything else, including paying all bills. And yes remembering dishwasher tablets.

- but if be wanting to find out about is this a sign of lack of communication in the main / poor communication.

Well she already knows he doesn't listen to her, doesn't take on board anything she says and ridicules her, when she tells him she's unhappy he blames it on her lack of commitment and sex, so despite the fact that she tries to communicate and he just chooses to ignore what she's saying but now you think that despite him not listening to her she should find out about all of his big feelings about sex? coax out all his big sad feelings about it even though he can't be bothered to listen to her.. no doubt he would then feel even more entitled after his 'bravery' opening up and OP would still go unheard.

He kept describing sex as his "love language". Which i hated. Because he doesnt use terms like that. It felt manipulative

The "love languages" bullshit comes from an American extremist and patriarchal Christian Fundamentalist perspective and has no science behind it or studies proving its efficacy. The love language is called touch, but it means sex and in that extremist religious view, women are supposed to submit to their husbands and have sex whether they like it or not. It's used to oppress women.

Is he on red pill sites too? Because he's coming off extreme and misogynistic.

As a child I was well aware that my parents’ marriage wasn’t a good one. My mum was drudge, martyr and did everything. I couldn’t understand why she didn’t do anything about it. I grew up resenting her for not putting herself first, ever… I think she stayed ‘for the kids’ .. then they split when we were older teens… but ultimately that put the guilt of her misery on us.

I'd never heard of the Dead Bedrooms subreddit that someone mentioned earlier so I've been looking now. And I just saw a post from a mod that made it clear the subreddit firmly rejects "duty sex or scheduled obligation sex" - that is, exactly what OP's husband wants - as a solution. It's a long comment so I won't post it in full but below is the beginning, and the full post is here.

Full warning, it's from a thread about someone's experience of a nearly sexless relationship where they do want sex, on a forum dedicated to such people, so that's what you will see if you go there. But I thought it was interesting how, even among people in the same situation as OP's husband (and while he sounds like a prick, I do feel sympathetic to some of these people), one solution they don't accept is just making people have sex when they don't want to. (HL = higher libido, LL = lower libido.)

We do not recommend “duty sex” or scheduled obligation sex in a dead bedroom dynamic. While it may seem like a way to meet needs, it often harms both partners. For the HL partner, reluctant or mechanical sex can feel even more rejecting. For the LL partner, obligation sex can turn intimacy into a chore, deepen avoidance, and trigger trauma responses.

For the purpose of discussion in this subreddit, duty sex is treated as non-consensual. Comments advocating for it will be removed under this rule.

And don’t bother with buying him a sex doll first.

Send him an invoice for emotional damages, recommend a great therapist, then divorce him.

You need to decide if you want the marriage anymore. If you do - it’s marriage counselling or nothing. If you don’t please go speak to a divorce solicitor.

He isn’t thinking straight if he thinks you should just have sex with him. If you’ve told him you don’t want to have sex the way things are and he’s pushing until you do - coercion is still considered rape and he needs to be reminded of that.

Well tonight got a lot sadder than expected. I couldn't bite my tongue and told him how upset I was at what he suggested. He backtracked somewhat and said he meant I should try harder and show affection and make an effort sexually even if it doesnt feel great at first, and I might enjoy it, rather than I should feel forced.

But he also said he loved me but he felt like i had a long list of complaints and was clearly unhappy. And that i acted like id rather be alone in life than with him. I said i felt that was at least partky true. He was v upset. But also put in on me. Saying I was hormonal/mess/ridiculous expectations/unfair. He was pretty dismissive but also said if I wanted out, u should just get on with it. We sat in silence for a long time and now im in bed and he's sat downstairs. I am so unhappy but this feels horrendous.

OP, yes it will be painful, of course it will.
But you are completely alone in this marriage.
He has zero self awareness and takes zero responsibility for anything.

He isn't in this marriage at all..

Does nothing to share the load of family life.
Blames you for everything.
Zero introspection whatsoever.
Will do nothing to try and mend things.
Is 100% focused on his sexual needs.
Has no consideration for the fact that he is the father of children with responsibilities to them.
He sounds spectacularly selfish.

This is not someone you can move forward with.
The stress of not dealing with his pure selfishness will be a relief long term.

I'm so sorry.
Tell family and friends so you can be supported through this.

Ewwww the hand job comment would repulse me. I'm sorry, it doesn't sound salvageable.

he meant I should try harder and show affection and make an effort sexually even if it doesnt feel great at first, and I might enjoy it, rather than I should feel forced.

But that's the same thing. He's just saying you should feel differently about it. And what does he propose to do to help put you in a mindset where you might feel closer to him and more inclined to want sex? He's just given you a list of reasons why he blames you. He's not willing to do anything.

I am so sorry OP. If he continues to take no responsibility for, and to be blaming of you, I am not sure this is fixable. If he was willing to consider that he needs to change, you’d have a chance. But he will continue to see himself as the poor victim, there’s nothing there to work with.

Therapy x

Well you could try marriage counselling, which could blow up in his face of course. It often does from what I've read on here

The worst drought in our lives was when the children were small. It did pass. But did some damage.

How old are your kids?

Take heart: you’ve done the hard part in the lead-up to the conversation about marriage counselling. Now you just need to drive it home.

I said "we just dont live as a couple. We never go out together or do anything. You never want to do anything. Its hard to have sex with someone when there is no romance or closensss at all". And he said "fucking hell. I'll take you down the harvester if that will fix it then" (v sarcastic)

He just doesn't get it.

Sorry for clarity - we have had counselling. Did nothing.

Under 7

I feel so, so angry 😠 @OverOverOverAgain
I feel angry on your behalf. I feel absolutely furious at your H. How dare he treat someone that he professes to love like a drudge and an object. What an utter, utter dick who just doesn't WANT to get it.
I'm not sure that he could ever understand where you are coming from but worse I don't think that he wants to - it's his way or his way.

I’ve only read your posts, OP so I don’t know what others have said. I can only speak from my own experience in my marriage.

I am lucky enough that I have never ever ever had sex if I don’t want to. Never in my life. We had a spell of 2 years of nothing. Cuddling and affection but no intimacy. I carry the mental load. I just thought about him and our marriage and how I would feel if it broke up over us not having sex enough. I don’t know why I thought it would be a shit reason. I’d one of my friends said she broke up with her husband because they hadn’t had sex for 18 months I would think that’s fine for her.

It’s not hugely romantic but we talked about it, agreed we were both quite different to how we were when we got together. Agreed to have a quickie the following week when we were alone. No backing out. I dreaded it in the pit of my stomach and read some erotica beforehand to get me in the mood and we had agreed no pressure, just get on with it - no expectations but be turned on and crack on with it.

We hadn’t snogged for ages and AGES and we did and it was a b it weird and felt new, like kissing under very bright lights, but we know how we work and actually in a rather clinical way, when we were done, it was the banishment of the elephant in the room. Although I would describe it as for my husband, we did really reconnect because we weren’t going for fireworks. And it helped. We don’t shag all the time but we try to do it every six weeks and it honestly puts us both in a good mood with each other.

There are other problems in our marriage but this rather mediocre shagging has helped our sense of togetherness more than anything else. Our problems remain but we’re sexual partners again and for some reason it helps. I don’t quite fancy him the way I did when we first met but we’rw a bit different to then anyway.

best of luck with it.

Christ. No offence but this is really really depressing. Every 6 weeks! Barely fancy each other! And you think this is a success story? I dont want to mean but I really think you and others should set your bar higher.

The guy who trained the FBI in spotting micro expressions started by doing research into marriage. He could tell with 100% accuracy which newlyweds would be divorced in 5 years. Tge way he did it was by looking for evidence of contempt. Of all of the emotions, it was the only one not survivable as a couple.

unfortunately he is showing you clear contempt for your feelings, over and over again.

The "hormonal" dismissal is a crap bloke bingo card special.

You're not expecting too much to expect him to behave like a competent adult and pull his weight around the house and financially. I bet he doesn't even wash his own gym kit.

He wont put any effort it. Stop have circular conversations. Why are you doing everything at home?. Why are you not going to the gym half the nights. Start doing that . Start matching his time off. Ask what he is making for dinner. Stop being a door mat.