Page 17 | To not have sex unless I actually want to

OverOverOverAgain · 2026-10-18T21:59:39+00:00

Me and my husband been having issues for last couple of years. We have young kids amd full time jobs and we have grown apart. We don't have much in common Tonight we had a "chat" after a month or so of barely saying two words to each other I've slept in spare room for months. My choice. I find it hard to sleep next to a man I barely talk to for days. He said our lack of sex life was a driver in our issues. I said its a symptom of the issues, not the cause. He disagreed and said we should schedule sex and commit to regular sex and the closeness and love will follow I said "but I don't want to have sex when its so frosty between us" and he said "so?". And I said "i have to want it" He replied "well I'd rather you want to have sex but even if you dont - I'd rather you just did it anyway - because I need ti have sex, and our relationship needs it. You refusing is causing huge distance" and so on. Im just sat here by myself at 11pm on a Sunday unable to sleep mulling it over in my head But it feels like a really shitty thing to have said. But maybe there is a grain of truth to it. I need some advice!

Soulhorse · 19/10/2026 22:48

What do you mean by “I pay all the bills “? Obviously you don’t have to say, but are the finances split equally?

CrazyMidget · 19/10/2026 23:58

OverOverOverAgain · 19/10/2026 22:32

I said "we just dont live as a couple. We never go out together or do anything. You never want to do anything. Its hard to have sex with someone when there is no romance or closensss at all". And he said "fucking hell. I'll take you down the harvester if that will fix it then" (v sarcastic)

He just doesn't get it.

Sorry for clarity - we have had counselling. Did nothing.

He sounds awful. 😢 If your pleas for outings, romance, and connection are met with nothing but sarcasm, then you are headed for divorce. He's really not acting like someone who wants to fix his marriage. You're telling him what you need, and he refuses to do any of it. If he wants to fix things, then I really, really don't understand that.

Almost makes me think he wants out, too....but would rather you do it. Then he can blame you and say the marriage broke down because of lack of sex.

To which the question is. WHY is there a lack of sex? Answer: Because he ignores his wife and her need for emotional connection!!!!

I suppose he must have built up resentment for you because you moved into another room and don't want sex, but one of you has to cave, if you want to try to keep things together. And it should be HIM who caves, given that your requests don't involve his body but nice meals out etc.

How about you start really small and ask him if he wants to watch a film together tomorrow night?

theearthsayshello · 20/10/2026 00:17

CrazyMidget · 19/10/2026 16:54

The link was to a collection of sources. Men connect through sex while women connect before sex. It's a generalisation but it's widely true. Everyone on this thread seems to accept that sex difference except you!

This does NOT mean that any woman should have sex in a bad relationship or when they don't want to. And don't tell me I'm making excuses for bad men or that it's "disturbing." I said, very clearly, "This is not a comment on OP's relationship or husband."

It is NOT a reason for women to have sex that they don't want. It IS a reason to consider how men connect differently from us, as long as you are in a healthy relationship. It might look like making an effort to get into sex when you're feeling a bit lazy but you do love and fancy your husband.

So get away with your "disturbing" and telling me I'm making excuses for him. I was very clear indeed that that's not what I meant.

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Nope. it went directly to an ai quotebot.

I don't care about your belief that the poor menz have hurty feels when they can't get a fuck.

As I said, it's not relevant. At all. He's a pigman.

It's appalling that you are on here wittering on about the poor menz hurty feels when a woman is being abusively coerced into sex with a man who wants to use her as his wank tool.

Go away.

theearthsayshello · 20/10/2026 00:18

CrazyMidget · 19/10/2026 23:58

He sounds awful. 😢 If your pleas for outings, romance, and connection are met with nothing but sarcasm, then you are headed for divorce. He's really not acting like someone who wants to fix his marriage. You're telling him what you need, and he refuses to do any of it. If he wants to fix things, then I really, really don't understand that.

Almost makes me think he wants out, too....but would rather you do it. Then he can blame you and say the marriage broke down because of lack of sex.

To which the question is. WHY is there a lack of sex? Answer: Because he ignores his wife and her need for emotional connection!!!!

I suppose he must have built up resentment for you because you moved into another room and don't want sex, but one of you has to cave, if you want to try to keep things together. And it should be HIM who caves, given that your requests don't involve his body but nice meals out etc.

How about you start really small and ask him if he wants to watch a film together tomorrow night?

Edited

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Read the Ops replies. Pigman has already refused to do date nights, communication or anything else with her.

He just wants her to be his fuckbot.

You're advising a woman to ask a pigman she's not attracted to who wants a fuckbot and barely speaks to her at all an has specifically instructed her that she must at least "give him a fucking handjob" after months of ignoring her if he wouldn't mind sitting down to watch a movie with her.

There's something wrong with you.

outerspacepotato · 20/10/2026 02:50

moderate · 19/10/2026 22:30

Take heart: you’ve done the hard part in the lead-up to the conversation about marriage counselling. Now you just need to drive it home.

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Marriage counseling won't help a sexually coercive spouse that feels entitled to use his wife's body whether she likes it or not.

What OP and her husband had was a conversation about how their marriage has failed. There's contempt, resentment, criticism, and defensiveness. There is no more common ground and they're antagonists, not partners.

Goodwitchglenda · 20/10/2026 03:56

I wonder if your husband has been reading Esther Perel. I’ve read things by her where she advocates having sex and better communication and intimacy naturally following. She says the mistake a lot of people make is hoping to fix communication and intimacy first and then the sex following.

I personally think there is something to it. It’s often worked for me and my husband, although admittedly it’s hard to want to shag someone when you’re THAT annoyed at them.

Of course you should not feel pressured to have sex and manipulating you into it isn’t good either, but I wonder if he was cack handedly trying to suggest a Perel type strategy.

Is he good in bed? You’ve talked about not feeling like it but you haven’t talked about what your sex life was like before kids. From your description it doesn’t sound like he’s very good at giving you orgasms. Is he selfish in bed as well as out of it?

I don’t think scheduling sex or there being an element of putting it before mending the communication is a bad thing always. But it’s very different doing that if he can give you an orgasm in five minutes as opposed to doing that and feeling horrible/hating it.

thepariscrimefiles · 20/10/2026 06:35

Boomboomi · 19/10/2026 19:32

Hi Op

My dh who is a gentle man spoke to me several times times like this .
it was out of character for him , and I think because he was desperate.

He used to say things like’ i want to have more sex before I get too old ‘ and get really grumpy and angry- which again was out of character .
He became very clumsy in his approach and just pushed me instead of being romantic or whatever.
Like can we christen the new caravan - no build up
i think he sensed I didnt want to - which put me off him .

If he had been less pushy I would have felt I had more space - he sounded a bit like your husband.

I would try to find out if this is the real him ot a clumsy immature approach born out of desperation. I am not saying have sex cos he is desperate - but if be wanting to find out about is this a sign of lack of communication in the main / poor communication.

If it was me- it would be time to seek counselling - to support you both and unpick things .

OP is the breadwinner and does absolutely everything in the house, cooking, cleaning, and childcare while he does absolutely nothing in the house or for the kids. He spends most of his time at the gym.

He treats her with utter contempt and then whines about her not wanting sex with him.

Will a therapist tell him that he's a lazy sexist pig who doesn't deserve to have sex from his wife? He needs to have a complete personality transplant and I doubt that the most skilled therapist will be able to do that.

nomas · 20/10/2026 07:00

Goodwitchglenda · 20/10/2026 03:56

I wonder if your husband has been reading Esther Perel. I’ve read things by her where she advocates having sex and better communication and intimacy naturally following. She says the mistake a lot of people make is hoping to fix communication and intimacy first and then the sex following.

I personally think there is something to it. It’s often worked for me and my husband, although admittedly it’s hard to want to shag someone when you’re THAT annoyed at them.

Of course you should not feel pressured to have sex and manipulating you into it isn’t good either, but I wonder if he was cack handedly trying to suggest a Perel type strategy.

Is he good in bed? You’ve talked about not feeling like it but you haven’t talked about what your sex life was like before kids. From your description it doesn’t sound like he’s very good at giving you orgasms. Is he selfish in bed as well as out of it?

I don’t think scheduling sex or there being an element of putting it before mending the communication is a bad thing always. But it’s very different doing that if he can give you an orgasm in five minutes as opposed to doing that and feeling horrible/hating it.

Are people actually reading all of OP’s posts?

LizandDerekGoals · 20/10/2026 07:10

nomas · 20/10/2026 07:00

Are people actually reading all of OP’s posts?

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Its frustrating! A lazy parent, a shitty partner, a selfish gym freak demanding sex and people telling her to just do it.

throw him out.

ThatCyanCat · 20/10/2026 07:28

He seems offended, angry and contemptuous at the very thought of doing anything that might help you feel connected to him. He really thinks you should just have sex with absolutely no effort at all from him. And he does nothing at all already!

You don't say exactly how old your kids are but it sounds as though they are young but no longer in the sleepless nights and toilet training stage. But I bet he did nothing when they were.

He's angry and contemptuous at the idea of spending time with you to develop closeness and his only solution is "do it anyway", with nothing required from him. I'm sorry OP, I just can't see what there is to save.

Slightyamusedandsilly · 20/10/2026 07:48

Imseriouslyyouguys · 19/10/2026 11:28

“I think we as women underestimate how important sex is to men”

and this man has underestimated how important it is not leaving all the household jobs and parenting to the woman.

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They 100% do underestimate this. Treating your life partner as a servant is relationship ending. Regardless of money, sex, status.

Newbutoldfather · 20/10/2026 07:56

These threads always make masses of assumptions and want to play the blame game.

However, is that helpful? Maybe he is a sex pest, maybe he just wants some affection from a wife who has checked out of the marriage years ago. One thing that is almost certain; if he turned into Cinderella tomorrow, it wouldn’t save the marriage.

The reality in this kind of sad thread is that, for whatever reason, the marriage is almost certainly over. The only thing that remains is to say so and start planning the divorce.

With children, counselling is always worth a try, but with a far greater likelihood of working towards an amicable divorce and decent coparenting arrangement than saving the marriage.

moderate · 20/10/2026 08:06

outerspacepotato · 20/10/2026 02:50

Marriage counseling won't help a sexually coercive spouse that feels entitled to use his wife's body whether she likes it or not.

What OP and her husband had was a conversation about how their marriage has failed. There's contempt, resentment, criticism, and defensiveness. There is no more common ground and they're antagonists, not partners.

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I agree but for some reason OP doesn’t seem ready to leave him yet. Anyway she has since clarified that they’ve already tried marriage counselling so hopefully she can now just contact a divorce lawyer.

LizzieSiddal · 20/10/2026 08:08

OverOverOverAgain · 19/10/2026 22:32

I said "we just dont live as a couple. We never go out together or do anything. You never want to do anything. Its hard to have sex with someone when there is no romance or closensss at all". And he said "fucking hell. I'll take you down the harvester if that will fix it then" (v sarcastic)

He just doesn't get it.

Sorry for clarity - we have had counselling. Did nothing.

He really does not care about you does he?

You say divorce will be awful, do you have friends/family who can support you in real life?

ThatCyanCat · 20/10/2026 08:11

Newbutoldfather · 20/10/2026 07:56

These threads always make masses of assumptions and want to play the blame game.

However, is that helpful? Maybe he is a sex pest, maybe he just wants some affection from a wife who has checked out of the marriage years ago. One thing that is almost certain; if he turned into Cinderella tomorrow, it wouldn’t save the marriage.

The reality in this kind of sad thread is that, for whatever reason, the marriage is almost certainly over. The only thing that remains is to say so and start planning the divorce.

With children, counselling is always worth a try, but with a far greater likelihood of working towards an amicable divorce and decent coparenting arrangement than saving the marriage.

When you expect a woman to have sex with you that she doesn't want, and sneer and spit at the very idea of taking her out for dinner first, you deserve a ton of blame.

Naunet · 20/10/2026 08:24

Goodwitchglenda · 20/10/2026 03:56

I wonder if your husband has been reading Esther Perel. I’ve read things by her where she advocates having sex and better communication and intimacy naturally following. She says the mistake a lot of people make is hoping to fix communication and intimacy first and then the sex following.

I personally think there is something to it. It’s often worked for me and my husband, although admittedly it’s hard to want to shag someone when you’re THAT annoyed at them.

Of course you should not feel pressured to have sex and manipulating you into it isn’t good either, but I wonder if he was cack handedly trying to suggest a Perel type strategy.

Is he good in bed? You’ve talked about not feeling like it but you haven’t talked about what your sex life was like before kids. From your description it doesn’t sound like he’s very good at giving you orgasms. Is he selfish in bed as well as out of it?

I don’t think scheduling sex or there being an element of putting it before mending the communication is a bad thing always. But it’s very different doing that if he can give you an orgasm in five minutes as opposed to doing that and feeling horrible/hating it.

So even though OP has previously forced herself to have sex with him and it made her feel awful, for some reason you think she should keep doing it? Why?

ThatCyanCat · 20/10/2026 08:57

I truly can't understand why he's so aggrieved and angry at the very idea of doing anything that might make OP feel differently. He seems really offended at the very concept.

It makes it feel like it's not about sex as much as having total control and a wife who does absolutely anything he wants with no reciprocity at all. It feels narcissistic and dehumanising and entitled.

gannett · 20/10/2026 09:34

ThatCyanCat · 20/10/2026 08:57

I truly can't understand why he's so aggrieved and angry at the very idea of doing anything that might make OP feel differently. He seems really offended at the very concept.

It makes it feel like it's not about sex as much as having total control and a wife who does absolutely anything he wants with no reciprocity at all. It feels narcissistic and dehumanising and entitled.

Because he doesn't like her or respect her. She doesn't like him or respect him either. Neither of them seem willing to do anything about it apart from moan though.

gannett · 20/10/2026 09:38

And that i acted like id rather be alone in life than with him. I said i felt that was at least partky true.

At the risk of repeating myself, making your kids grow up with this as a home environment and a relationship model will be much, much worse for them in the long run than separating while you still have a hope of coparenting somewhat amicably.

You would rather be alone than with him, and he knows it. The death knell for the relationship sounded a long time ago. You cannot live like this and you shouldn't make your kids live through it.

GordanoServices · 20/10/2026 10:10

Sounds like he is resentful and doesn’t like the idea that the effort might ‘cost’ him… the price of a meal at the Harvester… and his desired result isn’t guaranteed anyway so he’s worried he might not get his money’s worth. Nice.

Betterversionofme · 20/10/2026 10:16

You are right. He is wrong.

Fiftyandme · 20/10/2026 10:47

OverOverOverAgain · 19/10/2026 22:32

I said "we just dont live as a couple. We never go out together or do anything. You never want to do anything. Its hard to have sex with someone when there is no romance or closensss at all". And he said "fucking hell. I'll take you down the harvester if that will fix it then" (v sarcastic)

He just doesn't get it.

Sorry for clarity - we have had counselling. Did nothing.

Hd completely gets it. Do not mistake his complete lack of love and care and compassion and respect for ‘not getting it’

He DOESNT WANT to have to put work into you because you are there to service him.

End of

He has nothing but contempt for your feelings.

He belittles them
He minimises them
He invalidates them
He dismisses them.

But he is more than happy to stick his dick in you anc expect you to put up with it.

Thos man does not give a shiny shit about you. You are an appliance that is there for his convenience and you are malfunctioning which is highly inconvenient for him (hence the contempt)

Please leave this pig

Fiftyandme · 20/10/2026 10:53

OverOverOverAgain · 19/10/2026 22:11

Well tonight got a lot sadder than expected. I couldn't bite my tongue and told him how upset I was at what he suggested. He backtracked somewhat and said he meant I should try harder and show affection and make an effort sexually even if it doesnt feel great at first, and I might enjoy it, rather than I should feel forced.

But he also said he loved me but he felt like i had a long list of complaints and was clearly unhappy. And that i acted like id rather be alone in life than with him. I said i felt that was at least partky true. He was v upset. But also put in on me. Saying I was hormonal/mess/ridiculous expectations/unfair. He was pretty dismissive but also said if I wanted out, u should just get on with it. We sat in silence for a long time and now im in bed and he's sat downstairs. I am so unhappy but this feels horrendous.

He does not love you.

Showing contempt for your partners feelings is not love.

This is not love.

Myweeklyocado · 20/10/2026 10:54

GordanoServices · 20/10/2026 10:10

Sounds like he is resentful and doesn’t like the idea that the effort might ‘cost’ him… the price of a meal at the Harvester… and his desired result isn’t guaranteed anyway so he’s worried he might not get his money’s worth. Nice.

Yes, he reminded me of some men I’ve came across when I was single and dating.

He is clearly a misogynist who is averse about doing something nice for his wife. I can’t see how this is love. Hatred might be too strong a word but it looks like thinly veiled contempt at the least. He doesn’t value or like her.

TempestTost · 20/10/2026 11:00

Goodwitchglenda · 20/10/2026 03:56

I wonder if your husband has been reading Esther Perel. I’ve read things by her where she advocates having sex and better communication and intimacy naturally following. She says the mistake a lot of people make is hoping to fix communication and intimacy first and then the sex following.

I personally think there is something to it. It’s often worked for me and my husband, although admittedly it’s hard to want to shag someone when you’re THAT annoyed at them.

Of course you should not feel pressured to have sex and manipulating you into it isn’t good either, but I wonder if he was cack handedly trying to suggest a Perel type strategy.

Is he good in bed? You’ve talked about not feeling like it but you haven’t talked about what your sex life was like before kids. From your description it doesn’t sound like he’s very good at giving you orgasms. Is he selfish in bed as well as out of it?

I don’t think scheduling sex or there being an element of putting it before mending the communication is a bad thing always. But it’s very different doing that if he can give you an orgasm in five minutes as opposed to doing that and feeling horrible/hating it.

Yes. This can work sometimes.

Whether or not people think that's crazy, it's true.

Moving to another room can be necessary at times, but you do it because of emotional distance feels like putting an end to the relationship in a lot of ways.

One thing I would consider is the extent to which lack of interest might be hormonal. Especially with breastfeeding that can happen. There is a tendency for both partners to think it's about the relationship if they don't know that it's a real issue that is purely about hormones. And it can play into feeling like a lack of connection generally.

Ultimately if the OP doesn't want to separate she'll need to try something
It isn't sustainable as it is.