To not trust MIL to babysit on holiday, meaning no date nights for DH?

[wrdmym]

We’re going on holiday next year for DH’s 40th birthday with his parents, and he expects us to have a few date nights while we’re there, with his parents looking after our two DC (DD will be 5 and DS around 20 months).

The problem is that I don’t trust his mum to look after them unsupervised. DH thinks his parents are lovely grandparents who have never done anything wrong, and sees me as cold towards his mum.

A few examples of why I feel the way I do:

1. MIL came over with a really chesty cough when my youngest was a newborn (10 weeks). She said she’d had it for a while, but we hadn’t seen her for 3 weeks and she definitely wasn’t coughing then. Didn’t bother to warn us. DH thought it was no big deal.
2. When DD was 2, a magnet came off a toy that MIL “kindly” bought for our 2 year old, at MIL’s house. MIL’s immediate reaction was “I hope my the cat didn’t eat it!” I was sitting there thinking, what about the toddler in the house? Swallowing a magnet can be extremely dangerous. Why was the cat her first concern?
3. She once pointed at a crow and told DD as a joke “Look, Robin.” English is DD’s second language, and I find it frustrating that she introduces unnecessary confusion when DD is learning about the world.
4. She regularly places hot tea on very low coffee tables and it’s almost like a game of who gets to it first - me or one of the children burning themselves.

None of these incidents has resulted in a serious injury, thankfully. DH sees them as minor things, but I see a pattern of poor judgement and a lack of awareness around young children.

I find her incredibly frustrating, rude and inconsiderate but I have no problem with the grandparents spending time with the children when we’re there. We see them about once per month for 6-8 hours and once a year come to stay at their house for 2-3 nights. What I don’t want is to leave them in MIL’s sole care while we’re out for dinner, particularly with a baby and a young child.

DH thinks I’m being unreasonable because they’re the children’s grandparents and he wants us to have some time together on holiday. I think date nights are optional, and I’m not going to leave my children with someone I don’t trust just to make them happen.

AIBU? Would you leave your children with grandparents you didn’t trust to make sensible decisions about their safety, or would you arrange alternative childcare and accept that date nights might not be possible?

Stop making excuses, you don’t like her, own it.
10 weeks isn’t newborn

You are ridiculous. Most of my neices and nephews grew up bilingual. Most important thing is that the primary care givers are consistent. Everything else is helping them learn nuance of language and culture.

As for the magnet thing... argh. You are being beyond paranoid.

And a cough for a couple of weeks isnt necessarily RSV.

Its also interesting that yiu have started a threes to ask if you are veing unreasonable but have been completely uninterested in any ither views. Did you plan to ahoe this to your dh by any chance to "prove" how awful your MIL IS?

"She regularly places hot tea on very low coffee tables and it’s almost like a game of who gets to it first - me or one of the children burning themselves."

You should have led with this. Many mumsnetters are lazy and often don't bother to read, or struggle with comprehension, you have to put the lead right there in the first sentence.

You can always sway them easily by using outrage coded words like "exclusion" or "forbidden" in your title or the first paragraph.

Anyway, of course she doesn't get to babysit or have any unsupervised visits.

End.

@wrdmym Goodness me you sound like you don’t like your MIL.

you should remind yourself that your MIL brought to adulthood, your husband, (in one piece) whom i assume you love.

So she must have some reasonable qualities.

you do not have to love her, but give her some respect as the mother of your husband

one day you will be a MIL take note, have a word with yourself and stop being so obnoxious

You sound unpleasant. I feel sorry for your MIL (and your DH. Why sneer at him for being kind?)

The hot drink is a valid concern. You need to speak to her about it and move it away every time it happens. The rest of your points are ridiculous.

A ten-week baby is not a "newborn". It would certainly be reasonable for her not to cough in the baby's face or even go too close, but it’s unreasonable to ban her from the house because she has a cough, especially as it sounds as if she was long past the infectious stage.

I don’t get why she said that. But people
make up nick names for things all the time when their children are little. I can tell you now my dd does not call a cow a moo moo. Or her vagina a flower (I don’t either, I realised how bloody ridiculous I was)

The fact this came before the tea comment makes me think this happened once and you were desperate to put one more thing down. Because your other points are not screaming irresponsible.

Trust your gut instincts.

You sound batshit. Examples 1,2,3 say more about you than her.

If this list of misdemenours bans you from looking after children I'd dare to suggest that many of us on here shouldn't have been parents!

There are no magnets in Operation. Even if she was playing with some weird Chinese knockoff version, it's only powerful magnets that are dangerous. The very slightly magnetic pieces you get in games aimed at children are no more dangerous because of their magnetism. They are far too weak to affect anything. Its only strong neodymium type magnets that can cause issues.

No way would I let her free with my kids!

Especially in a hotel abroad where everything is new and exciting to little kids and not all risk assessed!

I have visions of her on the balcony with the kids dangling their legs from the gap at the bottom or her taking them for a walk as they ‘wouldn’t settle/ needed to get out’ and losing one of them or one of them getting injured falling down a step or walking into something. Or even eating some sweets or a stick of rock!

I would save the issues when there and tell dp now there’s no date nights. It’s not worth it ‘anyway’ but definitely not on holiday.

She can play with them in the day so it’s not like she’s missing out.

If you never want to ever be without your kids then continue on. The MIL is getting a bad rap here . In her house say like with the tea and you and DH are there, then she probably doesn't feel it's her job . But if babysitting solo then of course she will step up . Do you think she would deliberately be inattentive.? You seem hyper vigilant . Do your DCs ever get looked after by other people ? Nursery ? Ultimately it is up to you but I feel sorry for your DH .

We had firm words with PIL over car seats and I very pointedly moved mine away from coffee tables with hot drinks at their house.

OP, I’d tell DH you won’t be going out until the DC are asleep in bed so it is in his interests to help make that happen. If MIL says she’ll do it, you can just say you’d rather they were in bed and asleep first.

As others have said, won't they be in bed when you go out?

I think that putting them to bed and going out afterwards is the best compromise in this situation. Having couple time is important for you and DH, and if it makes you more comfortable, ask your MIL to please ring you if either of them wakes up.

But that’s just it. Mine went to nursery - where the staff do not have hot drinks around the children!

Don’t presume PIL will step up with safety measures when you’re not there. That was not our experience.

This is really not right. The things you list have a very small chance of causing real damage. Now I think it's fair for you to say "small risks are still risks, I don't want to take them with my child." But it's just not the case that its by mere good fortune that your husband miraculously survived. Have you tried doing any probability calibration exercises? You might find it useful.

Your poor MIL. This will be you some day,

By this logic babies should never be allowed in a house with nursery age toddlers present, who are walking snotty disease vectors. Or a parent with a cold from the office. Somehow they survive.

It’s natural to view people close to you (yourself, your spouse, the baby’s siblings) as safe, and outsiders (your in-laws) as dangerous. That’s what you seem to be doing. But that’s not how infections work, of course.

Almost everything you mention sounds like a classic “anxious young parent irritated at relaxed grandparents” conversation. Your in-laws sound fine.

One day your own daughter-in-law will probably be making much the same complaints about you.

You sound a complete pain in the arse OP.

You will damage your relationship with your DH if you carry on like this. And obviously you’re intent on damaging the relationship between your children and their grandparents.

This is a you problem.

You clearly hate your parents in law. Don’t go on holiday with them, you’ll hate it!

Why are you going on holiday with his parents for his 40th?

It wouldn’t cross my mind to invite parents or PIL on such a trip.

A singular magnet (although a chocking hazard) doesnt tend to be that dangerous if swallowed several yes.. unless you mean a button battery? Which is obviously incredibly dangerous.

You leave scalding hot tea sitting where a child can reach it? Good grief.

May this type of family dynamic never find me 🙏

Probably not the point but how comes English is your DD’s second language. You seem very articulate.