To not trust MIL to babysit on holiday, meaning no date nights for DH?

[wrdmym]

We’re going on holiday next year for DH’s 40th birthday with his parents, and he expects us to have a few date nights while we’re there, with his parents looking after our two DC (DD will be 5 and DS around 20 months).

The problem is that I don’t trust his mum to look after them unsupervised. DH thinks his parents are lovely grandparents who have never done anything wrong, and sees me as cold towards his mum.

A few examples of why I feel the way I do:

1. MIL came over with a really chesty cough when my youngest was a newborn (10 weeks). She said she’d had it for a while, but we hadn’t seen her for 3 weeks and she definitely wasn’t coughing then. Didn’t bother to warn us. DH thought it was no big deal.
2. When DD was 2, a magnet came off a toy that MIL “kindly” bought for our 2 year old, at MIL’s house. MIL’s immediate reaction was “I hope my the cat didn’t eat it!” I was sitting there thinking, what about the toddler in the house? Swallowing a magnet can be extremely dangerous. Why was the cat her first concern?
3. She once pointed at a crow and told DD as a joke “Look, Robin.” English is DD’s second language, and I find it frustrating that she introduces unnecessary confusion when DD is learning about the world.
4. She regularly places hot tea on very low coffee tables and it’s almost like a game of who gets to it first - me or one of the children burning themselves.

None of these incidents has resulted in a serious injury, thankfully. DH sees them as minor things, but I see a pattern of poor judgement and a lack of awareness around young children.

I find her incredibly frustrating, rude and inconsiderate but I have no problem with the grandparents spending time with the children when we’re there. We see them about once per month for 6-8 hours and once a year come to stay at their house for 2-3 nights. What I don’t want is to leave them in MIL’s sole care while we’re out for dinner, particularly with a baby and a young child.

DH thinks I’m being unreasonable because they’re the children’s grandparents and he wants us to have some time together on holiday. I think date nights are optional, and I’m not going to leave my children with someone I don’t trust just to make them happen.

AIBU? Would you leave your children with grandparents you didn’t trust to make sensible decisions about their safety, or would you arrange alternative childcare and accept that date nights might not be possible?

The hit tea is an issue but the rest if you being unreasonable. Why is it a risk if the kids are already in bed.

The game wasn't great (too old) and the hot liquids is totally stupid, but what do they say when you point these things out to them? Or do you only complain to your husband?

Going in holiday with them is recipe for disaster. Go to a place where there is professional childcare.
I left my 6 month old son with my mil once. . The cold dread and ensuing panic attack was sobad, I never did it again. Theg sound too old and neglectful.

Youngest son got RSV (probably from one of his school age sibs) at 5 weeks. He spent a long time in an oxygen tent and almost died.

The lack of awareness around how dangerous it can be still appals me

Trust your gut they’re your kids.

This.
If they're not learned to listen to you over hot liquids etc or downplay the dangers then there's no point in leaving them in charge, you'd not have a good time or relax.

I don't have an issue over the birds though! That's daft to get worried about imo.

By 10 weeks I wouldn’t be overly concerned if she had it for 3 weeks (which is possible from your op). Under supervision i would let mine play games like operation, context is everything. Don’t understand point 3, and 4 is a case of gentle reminders. Babysitting once dc are in bed is very different to daytime sitting too

If I was you MIL I would certainly love to know your feelings and then I would definitely NOT help you out any more with child care. You're really going to need her help one day but I think your examples are really poor. Please answer one question... How on earth did the in laws get your husband to adulthood?? The mind boggles, if they were that useless then I'm sure he wouldn't be defending them especially when one of your examples was calling a bird the wrong name. I once saw my MIL slap my son. Now that's a reason to be concerned but honestly I think you're trying to find problems and don't want them to look after your kids.

You are obviously also unaware of how dangerous it is for a baby to catch RSV or to eat a magnet. It's hard to imagine that anyone would be stupid enough not to know the difference between a crow and a robin, but that's a side issue.

This 100pc
Your description of her failings are very weak OP and subject to perception.
Please change your mindset to support your husband and family relations.

People are missing the point of the Robin/Crow thing. With small child to whom English is a second language its just plain cruel to deliberately teach him the wrong word for something.

A joke is only a joke if everyone is laughing.

You sound like a wonderful dil?????

So what did you do when you had a baby and one of your other children got sick - banish then to the garden shed? Second and third children are around colds and bugs from the get go.

I think hot unattended drinks and loose objects on the floor are big deals. The bird, not so much. The cough I don’t think older generations see this as a big deal, we do because of covid, but her attitude to your worries and concerns isn’t great.
Go out later, when the children are asleep and if they wake up there’s less likely to be a hot drink around.

I wouldn’t. Just because she’s your dhs mum doesn’t automatically make her a suitable child care provider. It’s not your fault they behave like this and it’s unfair of your dh to pressure you.

Hi OP 👋
Question, what if this was reversed?
What if your DH complained about YOUR mum? Would you let YOUR mum mind your DC or would you side with your DH and say no to your mum babysitting? 🤔

You sound like you do not like your MIL on this thread.
@wrdmym

@arethereanyleftatall
How are these non-issues?!

1. Turning up with a really chesty cough when my baby was 10 weeks old without even warning us beforehand? Respiratory infections like RSV can be extremely serious in newborns, sometimes requiring hospitalisation or intensive care. Why should I have to take that risk because she couldn’t be bothered to give us a heads up? It’s basic consideration.
2. A magnet comes off a toy around a two-year-old and her first reaction is to worry about whether the cat has eaten it?! Swallowing magnets can cause life-threatening internal injuries, particularly in young children. The fact that the toddler in the house didn’t even seem to enter her thought process is exactly the sort of thing that makes me question her judgement around children.
3. Deliberately telling a child that a crow is a robin might seem funny to her, but English is DD’s second language. She’s learning about the world and building her vocabulary. Why would an adult deliberately give her incorrect information and potentially confuse her? I don’t find that funny or helpful.

I’m not saying these are all the same level of seriousness, but they’re not just random things I’ve decided to be offended by. One concerns exposing a newborn to a potentially infectious illness, another involves a genuine safety hazard, and the third is about deliberately confusing a young child who’s learning a second language. These are legitimate concerns, and I’m not going to pretend otherwise just because someone else thinks they’re no big deal. I could give so many more but to avoid endlessly discussing each new situation I’ll leave it at those for now

@Littlejellyukif my mum (sister, neighbour, friend, hired babysitter) did any of those I wouldn’t let them babysit. My children’s safety is more important than someone else’s ego.

You're reasonable or unreasonable to no trust your MIL with your children but if you don't trust her then you don't leave your kids with her. HTH

You are way too hyper sensitive on risk and your attitude is likely to do much more damage than the microscopic risk some of these examples contain. I say that as a current mum of a 1 and 3 year old.

Also - both my 1 and 3 year old absolutely understand the concept or real vs not real (we just played a game where they pretended to eat their imaginary poo in the bath - not lovely but quite funny at the time). Your language one is particularly insane - they aren't going to fail to learn english because she used the wrong name for a bird.

To all those asking if kids would be asleep - unlikely.
if I put them to bed before getting ready then by the time we’re out it’d be likely 8-9pm by which time it’s usually too late for us eat. I think the idea is a 7ish pm dinner or maybe a few afternoon cocktails or a lunch.

The robin/crow thing isn't a safety issue, but just shows an odd sense of humour.

The magnet, rsv/newborn, and the hot drinks on low tables though are very concerning and show a lack of basic protective instinct in my opinion.

YANBU to say you're not comfortable leaving the kids with her for the evening.

Not only has she raised kids before, she's done it so well that you chose to marry one of them. Cut her some slack.

Another I don’t like my mother in law thread…

Clearly this is a situation where interacting with someone who has a cold is unavoidable. They are an older sibling, the other child in the house. You can’t kick your eldest out when they get a cold. Some risk is unavoidable. In this case it ended in very unfortunate hospitalisation.

a grandma with a cough could just… not come over until her cough goes away. Why wouldn’t you avoid this risk if you could?