To not trust MIL to babysit on holiday, meaning no date nights for DH?

[wrdmym]

We’re going on holiday next year for DH’s 40th birthday with his parents, and he expects us to have a few date nights while we’re there, with his parents looking after our two DC (DD will be 5 and DS around 20 months).

The problem is that I don’t trust his mum to look after them unsupervised. DH thinks his parents are lovely grandparents who have never done anything wrong, and sees me as cold towards his mum.

A few examples of why I feel the way I do:

1. MIL came over with a really chesty cough when my youngest was a newborn (10 weeks). She said she’d had it for a while, but we hadn’t seen her for 3 weeks and she definitely wasn’t coughing then. Didn’t bother to warn us. DH thought it was no big deal.
2. When DD was 2, a magnet came off a toy that MIL “kindly” bought for our 2 year old, at MIL’s house. MIL’s immediate reaction was “I hope my the cat didn’t eat it!” I was sitting there thinking, what about the toddler in the house? Swallowing a magnet can be extremely dangerous. Why was the cat her first concern?
3. She once pointed at a crow and told DD as a joke “Look, Robin.” English is DD’s second language, and I find it frustrating that she introduces unnecessary confusion when DD is learning about the world.
4. She regularly places hot tea on very low coffee tables and it’s almost like a game of who gets to it first - me or one of the children burning themselves.

None of these incidents has resulted in a serious injury, thankfully. DH sees them as minor things, but I see a pattern of poor judgement and a lack of awareness around young children.

I find her incredibly frustrating, rude and inconsiderate but I have no problem with the grandparents spending time with the children when we’re there. We see them about once per month for 6-8 hours and once a year come to stay at their house for 2-3 nights. What I don’t want is to leave them in MIL’s sole care while we’re out for dinner, particularly with a baby and a young child.

DH thinks I’m being unreasonable because they’re the children’s grandparents and he wants us to have some time together on holiday. I think date nights are optional, and I’m not going to leave my children with someone I don’t trust just to make them happen.

AIBU? Would you leave your children with grandparents you didn’t trust to make sensible decisions about their safety, or would you arrange alternative childcare and accept that date nights might not be possible?

Why are you even thinking about holidaying with her when you so strongly dislike her?
It'll just be a massive waste of money and probably cause more upset/resentment

I have 2 children. They have both had accidents resulting in an a&e visit whilst in my MIL ‘care’

this was both when they were toddlers but both weren’t typical toddler type accidents, they were certainly preventable and caused my adult decisions. I didn’t trust her after these.

When DD was 2, a magnet came off a toy that MIL “kindly” bought for our 2 year old, at MIL’s house. MIL’s immediate reaction was “I hope my the cat didn’t eat it!” I was sitting there thinking, what about the toddler in the house? Swallowing a magnet can be extremely dangerous. Why was the cat her first concern?

You sound like you were present. Why were you allowing your 2 year old to play a game with magnets?

Real vs not real is one thing.
calling things by the wrong name is another completely.

There’s a reason they say that to teach children vocabulary you should say “ball” whilst showing them a ball, then “ball falls” as you drop the ball. Not “ball” whilst holding a banana.

I cannot imagine that this holiday will end happily anyone.

Perfectly possible that MIL had a persistent cough without being infectious. Plus, what would you do if you/DH or the sibling had a cough?

One magnet is not an issue, you need to swallow two to cause a problem, one on each side nipping a section of the GI tract.

Robin/crow-ridiculous.

Hot drinks, may be an issue. Easily addressed by explaining to them before you go out.

You clearly don’t like MIL despite her apparently managing to raise your husband to adulthood?

Because MIL handed our 2 year old a toy as we were bringing bags into the house (we had just arrived). I had no idea what the toy is but assumed an adult with half a brain would clock that handing a toy with a magnet to a 2yo wasn’t a smart move. By the time I had brought my bag in and came over to look it turns out the magnet had been misplaced.

I had a heavy cold when my eldest was born. I didn't isolate myself from him. For babies 2-4 they had plenty of snotty older siblings to cough on them, I didn't need to waste time worrying about third parties.

Why do you put your children in the car except in case of direct need? They'd be safer if you stayed home.

Life includes some element of risk. You just don't like your MiL.

Interesting that when your child is ill it’s a cold. When it’s your MIL it must be rsv.

Are you receiving treatment for your anxiety OP?

She probably just said it as a joke without thinking. My parents used to do stuff like this all the time with my toddler "look it's a tiger" and toddler replies "no dog". MIL probably didn't even think about the second language.

You were there for the magnet incident, you can be concerned about your child, she can be concerned about her cat.

The cough has now become chesty, if she'd had it 3 weeks unlikely to be contagious.

However you've been told YABU and don't want to hear it so I don't understand why you posted.

I do think the argument of “she raised DH into adulthood” is a bit silly. When my gradmother was a drunk, all 9 of her kids survived into adulthood. Your kids not dying on your watch is the bare minimum.

Surly you could put them to bed then go out maybe? But if you would be paranoid honestly I would just leave it. You won’t be fun to be around.

Operation isnt magnetic is it? Is it not just plastic peices and a buzzer?

It sounds like the cough thing, which I agree was not great, put you on high alert for every error she’s made. The magnet was a risk, but it’s interesting that you are telling that story about what she said, rather than what she did. The Robin thing I think is completely fine but you have put the worst possible interpretation around it because you dont trust or like her at all, perhaps.

This feels fairly insoluble because if you leave your kids with her, something is going to happen or nearly happen and you are going to blame her. I do t think either of you should be put in that position.

Tell your Dh that either you agree to book paid childcare in some form that you trust, or you take the kids with you, at this age. I think when they are older, if she is still willing to be in contact with you, that you both might find a way forward.

I couldn't get past the hot tea on low tables ... I know a toddler who has permanent scars because of a grandparent's carelessness in that regard :(

Operation isn't magnetic. It's plastic "body parts" and tweezers. Admittedly not brilliant for a 2yo but not the awful situation you're making it out to be.

Half the time I don't even know which random thing my kids are pointing at when they ask me what it is - it turns out they are smart enough to work through me telling them the ball is a tree because that is what i thought they were asking about (for the record, my apparent lack of care to be accurate has them sitting between 95th and 99th centile on language so they seem to have survived the shocking harm I've done to them by not always being super careful).

Thing is, the choice isn’t solely yours to make. Your dh doesn’t agree with your over reaction, so I’m guessing there’s compromise to be had. The only thing I see as possibly putting your DCs in danger is the hot drink issue. Just get your dh to mention about putting the drinks out of reach. I get fed up of DILs on MN using their DCs in some sort of power war with in-laws.

Surely any responsible adult would ensure the safety of their toddler first though. WHY would you even think bags were the priority here? WHY would your mind go this way...thinking of bags before a child?!

In case it's not obvious op...THIS is what you sound like. Reaching, grasping, desperate for a reason. You sound ridiculous.

If you hate your MIL, fgs don't go on holiday with them. It's unfair all round. If you just don't want to leave your children with anyone then there's no reason for a pantomime about it. Just say so.

I wouldn't say leaving magnets lying about or visiting a newborn whilst ill are ridiculous concerns!
The language one is abit OTT.
OP YANBU and clearly sadly have one of those partners who is spineless when standing upto his parents 😑 which must be frustrating as it means it is all on you to stick up for your children's needs, when he should be doing so aswell.Why has he agreed to have them on the holiday when he knows you and them don't get on? He sounds rather clingy and like he needs to grow up.

@MissMoneyFairy
yes the MIL dreams of babysitting, has offered countless times but knows we’ve always declined. I have a suspicion that DH wants this date night not because we don’t get enough dates in UK (we have a very good nanny) but as a “treat” for his mummy

It’s your prerogative who and when you choose to leave your babies with, so YANBU. However, points 1-3 are probably overkill and point 4 an important point that should be fed back. What was your relationship like prior to you having your LO?

Bottom line is, despite all the wrangling on this thread about the actual/perceived danger of MIL, you are not going to enjoy a date night with her babysitting. So what's the point?

The cough thing, whilst obviously wasn’t great at the time, has no relevance as to whether or not she’s a competent babysitter now and sounds like you’re holding a grudge. As does the wrong word thing. I agree it’s not funny and it was a weird thing to say but it doesn’t have anything to do with her babysitting skills.

It does sound like she’s forgotten what it’s like with toddlers between the too old game (although not her fault it broke) and the hot drinks. You are right to be concerned about that. But if you did bedtime and then went out for a drink I don’t see what could go wrong? They’d be asleep and surely she’d be preferable to a random hotel sitter (not to mention free).

Honestly though, is the holiday a good idea? It doesn’t sound like you like her very much… and I’d be worried it’s going to store up even more resentment, like you’re clearly still holding a grudge about the newborn cold, and will likely sour the relationship further.

I dealt with it because it was a known risk, just as I dealt with other illnesses that the kids brought home from school. Its one of those things you accept if you have more than one child.

However as a family we have an understanding that if you are ill you stay away from anyone who is vulnerable. No one takes offence and no one decides that their desire to see another of us is more important than that persons health or the health of their family. We are not selfish arseholes you see.

I would get yourself all but ready, put the kids to bed, leave with them asleep. You don’t need to spend a long time getting ready but if you do you can do that while your husband does bath time. 8-9pm isn’t late to have a meal on holiday. Depending on where you are that’s actually quite early. Get yourself a Ring Camera or similar as baby monitor and you can even watch both rooms whilst you have a meal.

I’d never have left my kids as toddlers with either my parents or my in laws during the day (both sets just too clueless around safety I’d have never have trusted them around water) but did leave them once they were asleep.

I agree, aside from the thing with when she called the bird by the wrong name, which is on quite a lower level of importance, in my opinion. But the other three things you mentioned show a repeated lack of conscientiousness and I would not leave her with an infant or small child.

I'd take a hard stand on this because it has to do with your children's safety but I think you should have another discussion with DH and be sure to include offers of compromise. For ex., plan to get a babysitter after you get back and go out then or whatever he'd be happy with. Nobody likes to "lose" a disagreement, far better to try for a compromise, if at all possible. (But not one that includes leaving the kids with MIL).