To not trust MIL to babysit on holiday, meaning no date nights for DH?

[wrdmym]

We’re going on holiday next year for DH’s 40th birthday with his parents, and he expects us to have a few date nights while we’re there, with his parents looking after our two DC (DD will be 5 and DS around 20 months).

The problem is that I don’t trust his mum to look after them unsupervised. DH thinks his parents are lovely grandparents who have never done anything wrong, and sees me as cold towards his mum.

A few examples of why I feel the way I do:

1. MIL came over with a really chesty cough when my youngest was a newborn (10 weeks). She said she’d had it for a while, but we hadn’t seen her for 3 weeks and she definitely wasn’t coughing then. Didn’t bother to warn us. DH thought it was no big deal.
2. When DD was 2, a magnet came off a toy that MIL “kindly” bought for our 2 year old, at MIL’s house. MIL’s immediate reaction was “I hope my the cat didn’t eat it!” I was sitting there thinking, what about the toddler in the house? Swallowing a magnet can be extremely dangerous. Why was the cat her first concern?
3. She once pointed at a crow and told DD as a joke “Look, Robin.” English is DD’s second language, and I find it frustrating that she introduces unnecessary confusion when DD is learning about the world.
4. She regularly places hot tea on very low coffee tables and it’s almost like a game of who gets to it first - me or one of the children burning themselves.

None of these incidents has resulted in a serious injury, thankfully. DH sees them as minor things, but I see a pattern of poor judgement and a lack of awareness around young children.

I find her incredibly frustrating, rude and inconsiderate but I have no problem with the grandparents spending time with the children when we’re there. We see them about once per month for 6-8 hours and once a year come to stay at their house for 2-3 nights. What I don’t want is to leave them in MIL’s sole care while we’re out for dinner, particularly with a baby and a young child.

DH thinks I’m being unreasonable because they’re the children’s grandparents and he wants us to have some time together on holiday. I think date nights are optional, and I’m not going to leave my children with someone I don’t trust just to make them happen.

AIBU? Would you leave your children with grandparents you didn’t trust to make sensible decisions about their safety, or would you arrange alternative childcare and accept that date nights might not be possible?

Wow. Your poor MIL

No point going on date night on holiday if you don't trust your MIL you won't enjoy yourself.

Yeah I feel like I’ll spend the whole time rushing or finding excuses to go back to the room to check they’re alive

Your husband is willing to gamble with his children's safety.

Find professional childcare where you're going.

IS his dad also unconcerned about hot liquids and small objects loose around toddlers?

Do you trust FIL? You've not mentioned him.
Could you put them to bed before you go, doesn't sound like she's an actual liability tbh. She's not going to mess up their English or get them ill if you leave them asleep with her (and another adult) for 3 hours. Agree the hot drinks and magnet show she's not as hot on risk as you, but if they're asleep, prob fine.

I think, on holiday, just for a couple of hours in the room, it would be fine. But not for more than that.

Other than the tea on a low windowsill, it seems to be more of a you problem than a MIL problem.

And surely if you went out in the evening the kids would be in bed? Or they'd read them a story then put them to bed??

Examples 1-3 are ridiculous. Number 4 is a valid concern.

Won't they be in bed asleep while you're out for your date night? I can't see that there is sufficient concern to avoid leaving them in charge to two sleeping kids. I maybe wouldn't leave her with the youngest during the day though.

@outerspacepotato@Wingwalk
Yeah he’s equally negligent with kids safety but he doesn’t campaign for babysitting or get offended that we don’t let them the way MIL does.
he wouldn’t remove a hot cup from a low table or know not to give a child a magnet either. But he’s honest about saying he isn’t particularly clued up and wouldn’t ask for the responsibility.

Agreed.

also you don’t mention FIL but it sounds like he’s around?

She raised your DH successfully to adulthood. I think it will drive a wedge between you and DH if you dont give her a chance. She'll be more 'on it' when the kids are in her sole charge- when you're around there's a diffusion of responsibility.

@NuffSaidSam
handing a child a toy where the magnet comes off is nbd?

Obviously YANBU

Your children’s safety clearly isn’t a priority for her.

Some strange voting!

This.

have you spoken to her about the hot drinks

If it's a child's toy and the magnet has come off then the problem is with the manufacturer if the toy not your MIL! There are lots of toddler toys that have magnets on them.

Strange you mention only your mil? Is the grandad incapable of childcare?

Either way, you clearly are not ready for having them looked after, so leave it until you are.

Those don't sound like serious enough issues (collated over a 5 year period) to mean she's unsafe being left in charge of two sleeping children. It's sensible to remind grandparents of things like hot drinks left near table edges. But it's not a sign they're completely unsafe to be around children. Go and enjoy your date night. Leave your phone on and ask them to call if either child wakes up or is unwell.

So how did MIL manage to bring your DH up is he an ok person?

Of course you are not unreasonable. If you don’t trust them - you don’t trust them. And you won’t enjoy the date night anyway.
Your husband’s pov is a bit strange - being a grandparent doesn’t make you a trusted person in childcare. The same as having children doesn’t make you automatically a sensible person. And before he goes into that popular argument- the fact that he has survived also doesn’t make his mum a great parent - it could be just his luck.

Lot of disgruntled MILs?

@NuffSaidSamits the Operation! game. Recommended age 6+
she was 2

@wheredidiputmyphonei think he’s incredibly lucky to have survived her parenting! Or maybe she has early stage dementia now and didn’t then. Who knows

@GintyMcGinty
response is something along the lines of “oh I Know I know” or “he’s not anywhere near us” said whilst he is 2m away and can crawl over at any minute

Until we got divorced when dc were 3, 5 and 6 my ils never had dc unsupervised..think open windows upstairs, medication left lying around. And didn't believe car seats were important.

You sound such hard work. The things you've listed are really such no big deals.

Just go on your dates nights once they're in bed. 5 and 20months- dinner at 7 30/ 8pm and milk just has to keep them alive whilst asleep and you can take a baby monitor set up with your phone if you are so very worried.