To not trust MIL to babysit on holiday, meaning no date nights for DH?

[wrdmym]

We’re going on holiday next year for DH’s 40th birthday with his parents, and he expects us to have a few date nights while we’re there, with his parents looking after our two DC (DD will be 5 and DS around 20 months).

The problem is that I don’t trust his mum to look after them unsupervised. DH thinks his parents are lovely grandparents who have never done anything wrong, and sees me as cold towards his mum.

A few examples of why I feel the way I do:

1. MIL came over with a really chesty cough when my youngest was a newborn (10 weeks). She said she’d had it for a while, but we hadn’t seen her for 3 weeks and she definitely wasn’t coughing then. Didn’t bother to warn us. DH thought it was no big deal.
2. When DD was 2, a magnet came off a toy that MIL “kindly” bought for our 2 year old, at MIL’s house. MIL’s immediate reaction was “I hope my the cat didn’t eat it!” I was sitting there thinking, what about the toddler in the house? Swallowing a magnet can be extremely dangerous. Why was the cat her first concern?
3. She once pointed at a crow and told DD as a joke “Look, Robin.” English is DD’s second language, and I find it frustrating that she introduces unnecessary confusion when DD is learning about the world.
4. She regularly places hot tea on very low coffee tables and it’s almost like a game of who gets to it first - me or one of the children burning themselves.

None of these incidents has resulted in a serious injury, thankfully. DH sees them as minor things, but I see a pattern of poor judgement and a lack of awareness around young children.

I find her incredibly frustrating, rude and inconsiderate but I have no problem with the grandparents spending time with the children when we’re there. We see them about once per month for 6-8 hours and once a year come to stay at their house for 2-3 nights. What I don’t want is to leave them in MIL’s sole care while we’re out for dinner, particularly with a baby and a young child.

DH thinks I’m being unreasonable because they’re the children’s grandparents and he wants us to have some time together on holiday. I think date nights are optional, and I’m not going to leave my children with someone I don’t trust just to make them happen.

AIBU? Would you leave your children with grandparents you didn’t trust to make sensible decisions about their safety, or would you arrange alternative childcare and accept that date nights might not be possible?

I have a 1, 4 and 6 yo and open all my windows upstairs daily. Why on earth is that an issue? Often put the big 2 to bed in summer with their windows open!

@NuffSaidSam also is it ok to visit small babies when ill? Because RSV never lands babies in hospital or intensive care. Silly me for thinking respiratory infections can be serious in infants

your examples 1-3 aren’t really that bad so I think you will do a lot of damage to your relationship with your husband because of your obvious dislike of his mother. I can’t see how this holiday will be pleasant for anyone, if you treat your mil like this.

Apart from the tea the rest make you sound like you have very high standards. She raised your DH. If these are the worst examples of her behaviour then I think she's fine.

10 weeks is somewhat robust, especially with a sibling already in the house. It's not like a tiny newborn. Did you not leave the house?

Are the kids likely to be asleep when you go out?

Tbh I don't know why you are going on holiday with someone you obviously don't like!

Ok, well that's not suitable for a two year old because of all the small pieces.

But, a Grandparent buying an inappropriate game for a Grandchild still wouldn't make me think they can't be trusted to sit downstairs while my kids were asleep upstairs.

I wouldn't use her for daytime childcare for the youngest, but a bit of evening babysitting? I'm with your DH, it sounds completely fine.

The fact that the Robin comment has made the list of the most grievous incidents has made me vote that you’re being unreasonable.

I think in the context with your other list of ‘terrible’ things she’s done, such as calling a bird the incorrect name, which are so terrible you don’t think you can even go out when the kids are fast asleep; your anxiety isn’t on a normal level, and what is a ‘really nasty cough’ to you quite possibly is someone coughing once an hour or something.

Gosh you sound like such hard work. Or you just hate her and are looking for reasons to pick a fight. Your poor DH and MIL. It’s a few hours in a hotel room, chill out.

The hot drinks example is the only one slightly bad. If you don't live with a toddler, you really do forget these things.

You sound like really hard work, OP. YABU.

^^ this.

At 5 years and 20 months they will be fine in bed with in laws in house.

Do early bathtime into pjs for 6.30 then head out for a bit.

You need to make time for your relationship.

Personally, I'd make sure your children are in bed and asleep, if your MIL and MIL are supervising them. There's very little they can get wrong, if both children are in bed, rather than running around.

Your MIL has likely forgotten what it's like to have young children in the house. She needs a polite reminder from you and your husband. There's absolutely nothing wrong in doing so either.

What an.ovwr reaction on your part.

Well she knows her own body. I think at this point most of us are team MIL and will give her the benefit of the doubt that she knew it had been going for a few weeks and she wouldn’t be contagious. She clearly loves her grandkids so i’d be willing to bet if she thought she could have been contagious she wouldn’t have come.

The robin incident gave me a much needed laugh…

Do they want to babysit while you go on a date night, have you even asked them, they must know you don't like or trust them. If you're staying in a hotel use the babysit service, if you're in a villa stay home for the date nights and send the in-laws out. Why did the operation game get opened? If someone bought a 10+ game with small parts for my 2 yo I'd return it.

"mummy why don't we talk to granny anymore?"

"well darling, she once called a crow a Robin,, and that crossed a line"

YABU - if all the preposterous things i've heard on MN the robin takes the biscuit. As others have said put the kids to bed and pay attention to sustaining your marriage. Try to chill. of course they can mind 2 sleeping kids.

If you do bedtime and they are asleep, I’m sure you could go out nearby and ask your in-laws to call you if they wake and won’t settle.

I don't see any point in coming on MN to complain about your MIL. Clearly, you don't trust her, so don't leave your child with her.
I don't exactly think the things you have mentioned are signs of early onset dementia.
As it happens I consider my DS is lax with coffee cups around my DGS. But he's a brilliant Dad all the same and I'm not exactly thinking he's got early onset dementia!
As I think a pp poster said, she managed to bring up your DH safely.
Unfortunately you don't like your DMIL. So you don't get to have any evenings off. Your choice.

Bathroom fire escape huge window?
Nobody would expect 3 small dc to be safe..
Fil's pills they were certain 3 small dc would never touch.
They didn't need car seats because they never used them for their dc.

YABU to go on holiday with your MIL when you clearly don't like her. Your list of terrible things she has done in nearly 5 years is ridiculous, my own mother would have beaten that in a month.

Thank God you weren’t bringing up kids in the 80s, 90s or 00s! You’d be shocked at how parents and grandparents managed to keep kids alive!!

YANBU. 1, 3 and 4 are dangerous. Looks like MILsnet night tonight.