AIBU for telling my son that who I date is none of his business?

[OneJollyTealLemur]

To keep it short, I was recently approached by a guy at the gym, and we just hit it off from the start. We're both really into working out, exercise in general, sports and that sort of thing. I'm having an absolute blast with him as my fitness buddy and boyfriend. The thing is, he's 27 and I'm 53. This past weekend, he was staying over at my place when my son turned up for a visit unannounced. I've kept this relationship private because I've never been one to make a big deal out of my dating life, so my son had no idea. To say my son wasn't happy about my new boyfriend would be an understatement. When we were alone, he said he'd really appreciate it if I ended things with this guy because he finds the whole thing embarrassing and weird. I told him that it was none of his business. He's 31, has a girlfriend and a life of his own, and he can do as he pleases, just as I can. He just scoffed and said, "Whatever." I've been thinking about the whole thing ever since, but I honestly can't see why I should have to justify my personal life to my fully grown son.

So the sauce for the goose is not the sauce for the gander ?

Are you really willing to alienate your son for a temporary fling with an old soul?

I have a lot of sympathy for your son. I know it is up to you who uou date I would be mortified to know you were snagging someone younger than him in an adjacent bedroom. I mean, seriously? I assume the sex is great but can't yoh go somewhere else!

I think your son was probably unprepared and just reacted.
I was 48 when I met my now dh who was 30. We shared a hobby and it was how we met.
I told my son once we had been together a while and it got serious. My sons reaction to dh age was “Go mum”
Never been an issue with the age difference. Later my son had a girlfriend for a while 10 years older. Didn’t bother me at all.
Enjoy it OP and let your son get over it.

Yes, well aware but I don't think whatabouterry is helpful.

What's a 27 year old doing dating a 53 year old? Couldn't get any girls his own age?

Exactly, what is his agenda I wonder 🤔

I think he was probably caught off guard and shocked, as many of us would be. of course he knows it's not his business and he doesn't have to like the situation.

I would definitely ask him to ring the doorbell at your house out of courtesy, rather than letting himself in - though I suspect he will do that now anyway!

If he had said he had some concerns about your boyfriend's possible motivation for dating you and wanted to make sure you were not being exploited then I might have some sympathy for him. But given that his only concern is about the impact on him, then he can get lost. Treat this like a fun time, but look out for your interests. And don't invest any money in any business proposals your boyfriend may have.

Yes but there's a difference between "not looked on favourably" and "wrong."

Life is amazingly simple if you focus on what matters. Here are two adults who enjoy being with each other. No one died. Nothing is broken. The son is socially conditioned to find it repulsive, but that doesn't mean he is right and OP is free to do as she wishes.

OP, I’m around your age and I’m super fit (I’m actually a PT) and look much younger (apparently), but this is just……icky.

I was in the gym a few weeks ago and a 20-something male started chatting to me and asking me where I work, can I show him some things in the gym, what was I doing later? Flirting maybe? However instead of being flattered I personally felt disrespected like as if I should be grateful for his attention. I felt targeted. It was icky.

Why on earth would a 20 something young hot man want to go out with someone old enough to be his mum? It’s either £ related, an in-joke with his mates or some mummy issues/ fetish. This goes for older bloke/ younger woman too.

I’m interested to know if your new boyfriend is British. The person who targeted me wasn’t.

At the end of the day it’s up to you who you sleep with and have fun with. Make sure you are not being naive though. Maybe your son has other concerns too.You said you were approached. When I was “approached” I actually felt pissed off, and thought FFS I can’t even come down the gym in peace now without being harassed by some desperate for sex kid.

There is a lot of misogyny and ageism in this thread. My friends from school who are all in their early 50s are bloody gorgeous, slim and fit. Of course older people can be attractive and many younger people are very unattractive indeed. I think as long as they are both well into adulthood and no exploitation is going on in either direction an age gap doesn't bother me. I do think though that some men and women who are the older party in the age gap can't cope with people their own age in relationships as they are emotionally immature themselves, and some younger people have some odd parental issues, and age and financial disparity can lead to exploitation one way or another.

Well he scoffed and said 'whatever' so he knows there's nothing he can do about it.

But wouldn't you be a tad shocked if you found one of your parents (assuming they weren't together) was dating someone so much younger. Like several years younger than you?

Of course you should have fun and your son can't choose your partners but I can't imagine just being neutral about the situation if I was your adult kid.

Think in future, you’d be better off ‘staying’ over @ fitness Buddy’s place then the scenario your DS encountered cannot be repeated.

Although must also add, it could be your DS was probably trying to help protect you (& ultimately himself & siblings) from any possibllity of financial insecurities?

Everyone here is very prudish... you're two consenting adults! He's a grown man of nearly 30!

Of course everyone has their own preference, but if you want to continue dating him and you're both happy with the set up then enjoy it for as long as it lasts.

As for your son, just don't bring it up again and I should imagine he won't be turning up unannounced anymore. If he does, tell him not to do that.

yes I think he is right to be concerned. And I think you would be concerned if your son was dating a nearly 60 year old.

Have some fun for sure but I relationship with this age gaps isn’t a good idea.

Well it’s not illegal no, which is the only thing that would make it objectively wrong, but neither is dating your mum’s ex, dating your best friend’s ex bf who broke her heart, etc. These things aren’t ‘wrong’ but they’re not really easily accepted either. As I said, technically it’s none of his business, but I don’t blame him for not liking it.

Yuk! If my son (27) brought home a woman a year older than me I'd think he'd done it for a bet!! I'm team son here its just gross!

YANBU, and I'm surprised by the amount of YABU here. If the incident hadn't happened and you'd posted asking if you should tell your son anything about your current relationship, I'd say that if he drops in regularly it's probably best to prepare him that you are in a relationship and that that person is likely to be around. Your son might feel (unnecessarily) protective of you and he might also be wondering if you are planning to move in with this man, marry him, blend finances, etc. - which would still not strictly speaking be your son's business but might impact him more than trivially.

HOWEVER, he is completely out of line to tell you to end the relationship and his comments about being embarrassed come across as if he is far too possessive of you and hasn't fully separated himself from you as a child would normally do in adolescence. Also his rolling his eyes and dismissing you when you tried to have a normal conversation about your relationship means that at least for now you likely cannot have an adult discussion with him about it and answer any legitimate questions he may have. In this context, I actually think that your telling him it is none of his business is 100% appropriate and even necessary.

I can't say if there's an element of misogyny here - perhaps he'd react the exact same way if his dad had a younger girlfriend (or boyfriend) - but the exaggerated disgust and embarrassment makes me think there might be as significantly more social prejudices exist around older woman - younger man relationships than vice versa. You'll know best if that's the case.

This

People have said they’d feel the same about their dad dating someone younger than them. I don’t think it’s a misogyny thing, I think it’s a dating someone younger than your own children thing.

I'm guessing this might be one of those threads where the OP posts a situation to see whether a woman would get a different response to a man who posted the equivalent dilemma.

Like the 'AIBU to think that if I have an orgasm that's the end of sex and that my husband shouldn't want to have an orgasm as well?' one recently.

I must admit if either of my parents dated someone a few years younger than me I’d think it was weird and it would make me uncomfortable.

It wasn't those comments I was referring to. It was more "Ugh, how could a young man fancy someone in their 50s?" Because fifty-somethings can be bloody gorgeous?

It's not entirely the same, a woman like OP is obviously keeping young and being fit and active and would like to look for the same traits in a partner.. a lot of men at 53 are pretty much giving up on life, not jumping at the chance to do sport together.. it's not surprising the traits that most align with hers are found in a younger man.

Now reverse the sexes, do you think a 53 year old man would be interested in a 27 year old woman because they share the same fitness level, hobbies and interests?.. Could be, but that is not typically why older men chase younger women and you know it.