AIBU for telling my son that who I date is none of his business?

[OneJollyTealLemur]

To keep it short, I was recently approached by a guy at the gym, and we just hit it off from the start. We're both really into working out, exercise in general, sports and that sort of thing. I'm having an absolute blast with him as my fitness buddy and boyfriend. The thing is, he's 27 and I'm 53. This past weekend, he was staying over at my place when my son turned up for a visit unannounced. I've kept this relationship private because I've never been one to make a big deal out of my dating life, so my son had no idea. To say my son wasn't happy about my new boyfriend would be an understatement. When we were alone, he said he'd really appreciate it if I ended things with this guy because he finds the whole thing embarrassing and weird. I told him that it was none of his business. He's 31, has a girlfriend and a life of his own, and he can do as he pleases, just as I can. He just scoffed and said, "Whatever." I've been thinking about the whole thing ever since, but I honestly can't see why I should have to justify my personal life to my fully grown son.

I'm asking whether I was wrong in how I handled the situation, not whether I should be dating him.

Dating someone who is around the age of your own child or younger is gross don’t care man or women it’s gross.

Your son is allowed to feel that way about it as well. You’re allowed to keep dating a lad young enough to be your son’s litter brother. 🤢

But you also have to be old enough to realise actions have consequences and it may mean your son doesn’t visit as much and if he has children he may not want them around his little brother step daddy.

If I were your son I'd say bye bye to you and stop talking to you until you dumped him.

Who wants their step dad to be younger than them.

Yes, you’re wrong in how you’ve handled the situation, as you’re either very easily manipulated and male centred, or a predator. Luckily, your son seems to have matured with some morals, so there’s hope there.

It's 💯 none of your son's business (or anyone else's for that matter). Date whoever you want and live your best life.

I can see why he’s a bit embarrassed but ultimately it’s your choice.
My dad’s wife is younger than my DH and it all feels a bit odd sometimes! But they’re adults and it’s not my business.

The two are intrinsically linked. It's none of your son's business who you're dating unless you're dating someone wildly unsuitable. Et voila.

So many judgemental people on here ...

I have 3 very close friends in May/December relationships. One was 27 years younger than her long term partner, they had 17 happy years together before he died. Another is 15 years younger than her husband, happily married for 38 years so far. And the third one is 21 years older than her husband, happily married/together for 26 years so far.

There can be issues over health, obviously, or children (although none of the 3 I mentioned had any problems re kids). But those are issues that can arise in any relationship.

I would say - enjoy it while it lasts.

After I divorced I had some fun 'dating' some guys who were definitely not long term relationship material, but I wasn't looking for that.

What does a young guy get out of dating an older woman? Great sex with someone who is comfortable in her own body, and not desperate to settle down, get married or start having babies.

It can work for both parties.

As for thinking a young guy will take all your money - I've read many threads on here about cocklodgers, none of whom were younger guys exploiting older women.

Question is, are you willing to lose your relationship with your son over this?

If the answer is yes then carry on. If no, then you need to have a good long hard think.

You may be thinking it's none of his business but that doesn't stop the situation coming with consequences. Question is are you happy to accept those consequences.

It's highly likely the relationship won't last in the long run, so you may end up with the worst of both worlds.

You can stubbornly say it's my right to do what I want, that's great but don't expect everyone else to agree and still support you.

I'd establish some healthy boundaries with your son, @OneJollyTealLemur , and also keep the relationship casual and fun. Don't establish any financial interdependence or try to play happy families altogether. Son should let you know when he is coming for a visit and vice versa, neither of you are overbearing about your choice of sexual partners and you continue to keep anyone you date private.

it’s creepy whatever you are. And a 20 something dating a 50 something is almost certainly after money be they man or woman.

You think the women who date pop stars are in love? Get real.

But I’m guessing this is one of those posts which is planted here for clicks and discussion.

I don't blame him. It's creepy for anyone to date someone younger than their own children.

I think this age thing is a bit of a red herring. Unless the son has genuine loving concern that his Mum is being scammed then its not up to him to comment on who she dates anymore than its up to her to judge his life. Time to put a stop to his turning up unnannounced if he is going to start behaving like the fun police.

Yes, you were wrong in how you handled it, and no you shouldn't be dating him. It's grim.

I'm with your son, dating someone younger than your kid is ick.

YABU to expect your child to be happy or react well to you dating someone younger than him. I don’t know anyone who wouldn’t be grossed out to discover their parent was in a relationship with someone younger than them.

I’ll be honest and say I’m with your son on this one. I’d say the same if you were a man. I thinking dating/sleeping with someone younger than your children is just a no-no.

Casual and fun is the whole point of this relationship. He's got his own job and is completely financially independent. Sex and our shared interests, which take up a lot of our free time, are the foundation of the relationship.

Not really what a son wants from a Mum. He has every right never to talk to you again.

You can date who you like but dating someone younger than your son is just strange.

A “relationship” you hadn’t felt comfortable to tell your son about 🤔

I get both of your PoV.

He should not tell you to “end” a relationship because he does not like it.

But equally I would be very grossed out if my mother / father had partners my age. No, younger than me!

I have 3 very close friends in May/December relationships. One was 27 years younger than her long term partner, they had 17 happy years together before he died. Another is 15 years younger than her husband, happily married for 38 years so far. And the third one is 21 years older than her husband, happily married/together for 26 years so far.

@Woodfiresareamazing2 In any of those relationships were there children from a previous relationship, older than the new partner? It's not just the age-gap that people are judging.

Loads of men are into older women, but don’t discuss it publicly.
Just as loads of men are into bigger women and are far less wedded to standard many women think of as attractive.

I think you handled it ok OP. Maybe say you understand he had a reaction to the age of the guy, and that’s understandable, but say you have your wits about you, will not make yourself vulnerable and he needs to let you live your life whether he agrees with your choices or not.

Yes YABU for not acknowledging his concerns and understanding why he would feel this way. Think carefullty about potentially spoiling your relationship with your son over some causal sex and if that is worth it.