Walking in the dark.

[Charel2girl5]

Evening all.
My DD is 18, in uni but lives at home and commutes. She takes her fitness very seriously and has just left the house for a ‘quick’ walk. I ask her not to it’s too dark in my opinion and she objects, raises her voice to me and slams the door. My DH doesn’t intervene and tells me I can’t tell her what to do! I then asked if he didn’t give a shit about her safety.
I am upset and fuming. For context she does fu** all at home, takes my car which is apparently her car even though I bought the car and pay for insurance. My DH and I are supposed to be going to a local castle and having lunch out afterwards. I real feel like going by myself and telling him to do one.

At 6.39 or earlier I don't think I'd be kept inside either

Just to add 20 minutes later and it’s pitch black and for context we live rurally but are on a short cut to the motorway so lots of unfamiliar vehicles.

You asked an 18 year old not to go out at 18.30?

In the dark walking alone!! We are not living in a busy area.

I too would ignore a request not to go out at 6.40pm. Madness OP!

She shouldn’t take your car with permission (but confused how you’re going for lunch and a castle visit in the evening).

Control isssues.

You are being ridiculous.

Will you expect her to stay at home from 3:30pm once the clocks have gone back and we head towards winter solstice?

Do you live in Transylvania perhaps, near a spooky castle?

What do you think dog walkers do in the winter? My dog feels short changed of he only gets a 90 minute walk and it's dark after work for quite a few months of the year

She is an adult, you can't ban your daughter from going out in the dark

She is an adult and lives at Uni. She can make unwise decisions.

Accusing your partner of not caring about her safety. I am unsure how readonable that is. Someone can care AND not want to control their child's behaviour. Could it be that your response had an element of wanting to guilt him into doing as you want? I would takeit like that.

Would telling him to "do one" be effective for you? If you are happy with that type of communication, by all means carry on

I wonder if their response is to a pattern of behaviour that feels domineering and emotionally manipulative. I am sure that isnt your intention, but I also think that may be how your behaviour lands.

I am feeding back in good faith as you asked the question.

YABU … completely batshit, in fact.

Your 18 year old is an adult and should be capable of walking in the dark, even when the road is busy. You are being extremely controlling.

The car is yours. If you don't want her using it, tell her no.

Like other posters have said what is supposed to do once it’s dark from 3:30pm to 8am in the winter? 6:30pm isn’t late - if she didn’t use the car how is supposed to get to and home from uni and work if she isn’t allowed out in the dark?

You are going to accept you are not in charge of her any more. I wouldn’t think twice about going for a walk at 6:30, and run most mornings before it gets light most of the year.

The car and doing fuck all aren’t relevant to going out in the dark, you should have a conversation about what you need for that.

I fo want to point out that we dont know @Charel2girl5 's history. There may be any number of experiences she has had that contributes to hypervigilance and concern for her daughter. Its easy to call people ridiculous etc but lets not be unpleasant.

As an aside, maybe get her a hi-vis and torch. Rather than getting into arguments.

It's true we never know anyone's life history, but that is how the internet works.

If a person chooses to ask the internet if they are being unreasonable, then people answering can only go on the information given, and the OP has to be open to the possibility that they ARE BU.

Is your daughter capable of looking after herself if anything should happen op? I would be concerned too but she is an adult now.

Please don't hem her in too much, OP. My family did that and I resented them for it. I understand that they just wanted to keep me safe, but never being allowed out (and going home to the Spanish Inquisition whenever I went out in my first car) was frustrating. Keeping me close meant that I had no privacy or independence. I still feel terribly rebellious if I go out in the dark, and I'm in my thirties!

Wearing light clothes will help her to show up more in the dark. If she is on her phone a lot, the screen light will indicate that there's someone there. I suspect that she'd probably turn down a hi-vis and headtorch on fashion grounds, but she does need her independence before she rebels, and resents you, completely.

She just takes the keys when I’m working or in the shower.

So being concerned is suddenly controlling. WTF!!

I think you need to learn to manage your anxiety. She is an adult and you can’t police her. It’s not late at all.

Thank you for your very meaningful contribution.

I’m absolutely gobsmaked with the nasty responses I’ve had when all I’ve done is show concern for my daughter.

Your husband is a bigger risk to her than some stranger in the dark

yabu, it was 6:30ish? an 18 year old can go for a walk at that time. The taking the car, she is bu, she needs to ask

My favourite thing when I had my dog was walking along the fields at night. I felt invisible and it was lovely and quiet.

My mom was a bit like you, lots of worrying and guilt-tripping; in the end I just stopped telling her things.

Your DD being useless around the house is a separate issue that you definitely have the right to address.