Walking in the dark.

[Charel2girl5]

Evening all.
My DD is 18, in uni but lives at home and commutes. She takes her fitness very seriously and has just left the house for a ‘quick’ walk. I ask her not to it’s too dark in my opinion and she objects, raises her voice to me and slams the door. My DH doesn’t intervene and tells me I can’t tell her what to do! I then asked if he didn’t give a shit about her safety.
I am upset and fuming. For context she does fu** all at home, takes my car which is apparently her car even though I bought the car and pay for insurance. My DH and I are supposed to be going to a local castle and having lunch out afterwards. I real feel like going by myself and telling him to do one.

What is the photo of?

The chance of it happening may be small, but the consequences are devastating. I wouldn’t walk alone in my rural location in the dark, why risk it?

Exactly. Awkwardly, the OP seems to assume that her saying she lives rurally and people who don't live rurally, can't possibly understand is some kind of gotcha, but it's not. In a rural setting/a rural area, people are far LESS likely to get attacked or be a victim of crime!

And yes I do live rurally! In a small village, 2 miles from the nearest A road! Almost zero crime.

Isnt this apparently why people who live in the countryside dont hardly walk, they walk far less than people who live in urban or city areas, they rely on cars because of lack of pavements or street lights, they dont feel safe walking around.

So you live in the country side, you dont go out earlier than about 8 in the winter and come home later than about 4 in the winter if on foot?

But if you lived in the suburbs, urban area, city, you would go out after dark?

Because living a risk averse life is fucking boring?

don’t walk in the dark, don’t drive a car, don’t get in an airplane, don’t go to the beach? Never go to the pub, out with a man, ride a bike? There are millions of situations where you might get hurt, where is the line?

I have lived rurally and in the city. I either walk or cycle most places. Basic safety awareness, stick to well lit paths, wear visible clothing, but I wouldn’t curtail my life out of fear.

o/p my dd is also in her first year of uni. She doesn’t have a car, so has to walk or public transport. Her uni sports club trains until 8 several nights a week, and obviously if she goes to the pub it’s later. She walks. What should she do, refuse to attend lectures after 4 and not have a social life?

Judging the overall risk of something that has a low chance of happening but a big impact is really difficult. The inevitable result is that one person may see that risk as unacceptable because of the consequences, whereas someone else may see it as a low risk because of how unlikely it is to happen. It doesn't mean that either one of them are wrong, it's just a different calculation of the actual risk.

I see you are receiving all kinds of negative replies - sorry. I think your concern is genuine and rural darkness is no place for an attractive 18 year old. I live in a very rural area and was reared the same so I am familiar with it. The situation with strangers is SO different than a short time ago - keep in mind that it would take less than 15-20 (guessing) seconds to force her into a vehicle. The thing I really dislike is the lack of respect from her - your husband should join you in correcting that - not good at any age! Good luck.

My suggestion is that you and your DD live your lives however you want. Anyone, anywhere should live life to the fullest but always controlling whatever is controllable in any situation. This woman's daughter has NO control over strangers passing by her in their cars which gives them the advantage. These are not identical situations.

The OP showed no respect to her adult daughter's personal assessment of risk vs benefit. I don't know about your relationship with your adult DCs but I don't automatically expect my adult DCs to defer to me over my opinion of what they should be doing, particularly if it's something as equivocal as going for some exercise.

I'd also view accusing my husband of not giving a shit about our DD's safety if he doesn't necessarily agree with my arbitrary risk assessment as hugely disrespectful.

It’s nearly winter, if women never walked in the dark most of us with never get to and from work, or do the school run, go food shopping, go to the gym etc.

YABU, incredibly overreacting and controlling. She’s 18.

Rather than ranting on here, what about investing in a treadmill?

She is an adult, I think you should treat her like one and back off.

None of those typically take place in rural areas with no street lighting

Ranting?

I am still totally gobsmacked by some of the responses on here. I stupidly thought over the last 20 years of being a huge Mumsnet fan that this was a forum for support!

I agree, and it seems to be getting worse

I spent the whole 40 years of my life in the city and I cannot believe people actually live like this

People aren’t going to automatically agree with you. You posted in AIBU and are upset when you’ve been told you are

It is but I’m guessing most people feel your daughter is an adult and that you are being overbearing and refusing to acknowledge that.

I'd advise her to wear reflective clothing (you could buy some for her) and carry a torch. But you can't stop her.

I wouldn't be worried about being attacked. I'd be worried about being hit by a passing vehicle or tripping on a rut on the track.

I grew up rurally and my mother was worried we'd be shot by poachers if we ever planned to take a short cut through the woods. I didn't take a short cut through the woods at night because of the risk of tripping and breaking a limb in the dark, because you can't see where you're going.

Getting her to do things round the house is reasonable, as is stopping her from using the car if she doesn't ask. But try not to conflate the separate issues.

We support common sense here.
Saying an adult can't go out in the dark, even the darkest darky dark, is odd.
If it's that dark, maybe it's time to invest in a simple headlamp, many runners use those here as it gets dark so early.

Sorry, but I don't think the responses so far (as in the ones that came before this comment of yours) were nasty (not seen the other pages yet )
Blunt, yes. Nasty, no. I know it's easy to worry as I have kids that age and older too (my eldest is early 20s and still worry!)
It's very unreasonable to tell them not to go out after dark at the age of 18 though when it's around 6.30 that's happening at the moment.

I mean there are several different issues here. Nothing to do with walking in the dark. You need to put your foot down and tell her the rules of the house now that she is an adult. That she has to contribute towards the running cost of the house. I assume you haven't started getting her to pay rent yet ? I would also highlight when that will happen. E.g. when she gets her first job, that she will give x% for rent and bills. She shouldn't have access to the car unless she is at least paying her own insurance costs. She's going to get a real shock when she's out in the real world.