Walking in the dark.

[Charel2girl5]

Evening all.
My DD is 18, in uni but lives at home and commutes. She takes her fitness very seriously and has just left the house for a ‘quick’ walk. I ask her not to it’s too dark in my opinion and she objects, raises her voice to me and slams the door. My DH doesn’t intervene and tells me I can’t tell her what to do! I then asked if he didn’t give a shit about her safety.
I am upset and fuming. For context she does fu** all at home, takes my car which is apparently her car even though I bought the car and pay for insurance. My DH and I are supposed to be going to a local castle and having lunch out afterwards. I real feel like going by myself and telling him to do one.

Many many 18 year old including my ds are living in cities many miles away from home. Yes you are being very controlling

You have no idea where people live, you have no idea which other people work with children. You just want people to agree with you.

I don't see what being useless around the house has to do with being able to walk in the dark in the early evening! Does she have to wash up some pans before she earns the right to do that?

By all means address her lack of helpfulness separately but you have no right to tell her she can't go for a walk at a totally normal time, dark or no.

'Please can you wear something light coloured so people can see you because I worry about you not being visible to cars' would be a more reasonable response to this.

I totally understand. I don't leave my house when it's dark or avoid it at all costs. It's too scary! And no way would I be going for a walk alone in the dark. The car thing is odd. Is it hers? Did you buy it for her? If so.. doesn't matter that you're paying for it unless you're trying to take back a gift, which is unfair.

I live rurally with not many street lights. I go for walks 'in the dark.'

What that amount of people saying YABU is telling you, is that you are wrong. 90 people out of 95 say YABU now.

I live rurally. We don't all stay in when it's dark here. We go to see our friends and family, to the pub, clubs, meetings, to and from work and out to look after animals/walk dogs.

We just take care, make sure we're seen, wear hi viz and either a torch or a head torch.

I lived very rural as a child 3 kms from the nearest village. I cycled to football training in the dark from the age of 13 I had a high vis and a flashlight I was fine. The biggest risk is her not been visible. So high vis and lamp is needed. She needs to see hazzards on the road and cars need to see her.

I understand you are worried for your daughter's safety. Instead of saying she isn't allowed to go out in the dark, ask her if she is adequately prepared to go out in the dark. You can't keep her locked at home. Encourage her to be mindful of safety essentials, so that she gets used to it.
The part about her being lazy, rude is a different issue because she certainly sounds entitled. That needs to be dealt with and for that you and your husband need to be on the same page. Just because she is 18 doesn't mean you stop being parents and doesn't give her a free pass to shout.

But then we used to it

It’ll be dark much earlier, what then?
Hopefully, she’s got enough common sense to be seen in the dark , if you live rurally, I imagine she has

People go running after work so what’s wrong with she wants to go for a walk?

She shouldn’t just be taking your car

At 18 she is an adult.

Saying that it is too dangerous for her to be out at 6.30pm is completely unreasonable OP.

You need to find a way to deal with your anxiety or you are going to push her away.

It’s acceptable for you to express concern but ultimately she is an adult and has the right to make decisions for herself - if she wants to take the risk then it’s up to her I’m afraid. If she were living away for university she would be doing all sorts without you knowing so perhaps her frosty response is resentment at not being able to live truly independently like her peers? I would advise you to take a bit of a step back and stop mothering her so much.

The OP isn't coming back, because she didn't like the responses.

If you're still reading @Charel2girl5 and I know you are, why did you post this on AIBU, and then not accept peoples answers and responses? (And the fact that 95% of people disagree with you!)

If you wanted people to just agree with you, you should have said so in your opening post.

.

At last a measured response instead of all this invective and these frankly nasty posts.

I agree with these views.
And I would definitely have ignored my mum or dad telling me, at 18, when I should or should not, go out.

I totally understand your concerns regarding her safety because as parents we worry especially if we feel there is a danger. I worried about my children and now my grandchildren. However I realised that once they are adults and especially when they no longer lived at home that I actually had no clue what they were doing and had to accept that as adults they would keep themselves safe. Maybe it's because your DD still lives with you that makes you very aware of what she is doing. Also you mention that she is taking advantage of you and that your DH is not supporting you. Maybe that is a different issue that needs to be considered separately.

If you don’t want her to use it, don’t leave the keys where she can find them 🤷‍♀️

I am open to all responses thank you! I was honestly worried as young women are attacked all the time. Do not assume anything about me, I was posting for help and advice not to be torn to shreads!
I often disagree with posters but am never harsh and vitriolic in my responses. Some people on here are truly nasty.

this isn't really about walking in the dark though is it OP
its about her taking your car and doing fuck all around the house
unless you have just moved there your DD knows very well what dark is and as she drives she knows how invisible a pedestrian can be
your best bet is to get her a torch and/or a high vis vest
tell her she is not to take you car without permission- give her the chance to respect this and if she doesn't, hide your keys
talk to her about expectations of adults in your household and come up with some kind of rota

Do you really expect to be able to stop
your adult daughter going out between 4pm and 8am all through the winter? Don’t be so utterly ridiculous.

I ask her not to it’s too dark in my opinion and she objects, raises her voice to me and slams the door.

I then asked if he didn’t give a shit about her safety.

These were the points which tipped the balance between well-meaning advice, and unreasonable behaviour. You have drawn a particular line in the sand about just how dark it can be before it gets too dark for a woman to be outdoors on her own. You're entitled to make that decision for yourself. You're not entitled to insist that everyone else agrees with you. To spark an argument with your adult DD about it is ridiculous. To accuse your DH of not giving a shit about your DD just because he draws that arbitrary line at a slightly different point than you do is awful. That's black-and-white thinking on your part which is rarely productive or the sign of a mature and healthy approach to disagreement.

Hide the car or teech her a lesson

I agree with you OP.

Stopping an adult from leaving the house at 1830 is fucking insane.

This. ^

Ah so you’re afraid she might be attacked is that it? I’d say that’s vanishingly unlikely, esp in a rural setting. Calm down.