Neighbours complained about Autistic Son

[NatureandBee]

Just found out that my next door neighbours have complained about my autistic DS. The complaint was related to him shouting in the garden(he’s non verbal and he vocally stims) and how he sometimes has no clothes on in the garden and their grandchildren can see him.

They put in a complaint to my HA and I wish they had spoken to me first. I do understand how loud he can be and I try hard to keep him dressed. The fences are high but they can see into my garden from their bedroom windows.

He’s not out there from morning til night, only in the school holidays and after school for a bit. I also work and he stays with his Dad for part of the week.

I feel so on edge now and feel like I can’t have him in the garden in case they complain again, I’m also a single parent and it makes me feel vulnerable that they have an issue with us.

They are an older couple with an immaculate garden/house. I do understand how they like to enjoy peace and quiet in their garden and obviously they deserve to not be disturbed.

I’m ashamed to say I cried when I was told of the complaint, I’m embarrassed now 🙈

If the neighbour next door is autistic or has sensory issues over loud noise which disability wins, or does consideration win? So sometimes the neighbour wears headphones but other times they can have quiet enjoyment of their garden. And the child has certsin times in the garden and other times in the house when getting loud

Thats the most abilist bs I've seen in a long time.
Autism doesn't mean that we aren't in control of our facilities and attacking other people is never acceptable nor should it be excused because the person is autistic.
Clearly the child on your street needs reporting or more likely the parents do because they are allowing their child to assault and injure random people.
You clearly haven't got a clue about autism ot what it means for those of us who have to live with it and comments like yours just make things worse for us

It's only ever autistic boys/men who are allowed this freedom too. Very fascinating.

I am not saying you dont work hard but realisically you cannot stop all behaviour. Just like the OP who is struggling to reinforce boundaries. It didnt stop a child hitting my own child. The Father had his back turned attending to another child.

Yes, I definitely agree with you, I can see their point and I do know they want to sit and have a coffee outside in peace. So do I! They have their grandchildren occasionally but I’m aware that most of the time it’s just the two of them sat outside. I would feel better if it was a noisy family with young children next door. He’s not loud all the time, sometimes he’s just wandering around happily and is quiet, I do feel on edge living next door to them now though. I will be mindful of his noise and if he strips I’ll bring him in.

I think the right to enjoy the quiet our own homes is protected by law, so it's not just someone being awkward. It can (speaking from experience) really affect a persons mental health, living right next door to noisy neighbours.

It's one of those situations where can sympathise with both neighbours, it doesn't have to be one more than the other. The OP could lessen the time outdoors, using other things that she would perhaps use in winter if he's not out in the garden. She could've worked with the neighbours, as what another poster said, let them know they're off out for the day so they can enjoy their garden/make plans and the neighbours could let the OP know when they themselves are going out, so the son can play without the OP worrying.

When we all live so close together, better relationships are those that we give and take, not just feel hard done by or entitled.

Why not ? OP is right. He’s a child and he’s entitled to enjoy his childhood like any other kid of his age. His life is already limited and OP is doing her best to make sure he has the skills to cope. Any mother would fight tooth and nail for their children, why should OP be any different ? The neighbours handed this very badly. They went straight to the housing authority to complain without understanding what was happening and without even letting OP know they had a problem with him. They could have talked to her and worked things out - OP is aware of the difficulties, but no, they chose the nuclear option and in the process made a bad situation worse.

I really feel for you @NatureandBee , we had a noise complaint from our controlling neighbours over the summer, not an official one they just texted us, but it does really shake you up and make you feel vulnerable/defensive at the same time and that’s when I have a supportive DH and my kids arent dealing with extra needs.

To get ahead of it I phoned the council myself, and they confirmed that the noise of children playing is not a statutory noise nuisance and they wouldn’t take it anywhere if it was reported to them.

I am really surprised that so many posters can see the issue with your son being naked in his own garden. That’s completely fine IMO and I don’t see the issue at all.

What some people struggle with I think, especially those who like to control
their surroundings and struggle with other people existing, is the unpredictability of events. If you are brave enough, it many help to set out when your son will be in the garden I.e 330-530 Monday-Friday, 9-12 and 1-4 Saturday and Sunday (or whatever the schedule it). If it turns out to be less then fine, but if not then they know when the garden will be quiet and when they can expect noise and when the noise will end.

I think this is quite a difficult one because if you kept him in and they didn’t see him in the garden there could be people who would think that was a bad thing
is there any type of clothing but he is likely to keep on even if it is just a pair of shorts or pyjama bottoms?

I don't think this is true in the slightest. Notwithstanding the fact that autism is underdiagnosed in women and girls, there have been many posts on MN about girls which have received similar responses. Your assertion is unfounded.

As the mother of a child who is extremely aggressive when dysregulated, if you can let me know how you stop these outbursts from happening then you'll be doing a hell of a lot more than any service I have encountered has been able to. There is NOTHING that can stop the behaviour in our circumstances. There is no understanding of right/wrong or what is appropriate.
GP
Paediatrics
Child psychology
Early help
Social services
Disabled children's services

All of those cannot help our child. What do we get? Parenting courses. No amount of parenting courses change our childs behaviour. We are literally at the end of the road. Do you know what they offer? Safe restraint courses. Because it's recognised that all we can do in this situation is try and stop as much harm being done as possible.

So whilst it's not ok, sometimes it is literally not manageable and parents have exhausted everything in order to stop the behaviour but it's simply not possible. All we can hope is things will change as they get older.

We don’t know, asked but OP isn’t answering, how long this has been going on.

we also don’t know what she is doing differently now it’s been raised with her.

They know the situation, OP has already clarified this.

so I assume they have been tolerant and understanding and something has triggered the escalation.

I find it difficult to believe they have been neighbours a few weeks and pressed the nuclear button straight off.

The right to enjoy your home in peace is protected by law so they are right. And while chatting to a neighbour should be a good first step, it doesn't often work (been there, got the t-shirt). It made it a lot worse in my case so again, I understand neighbours reluctance, people these days can be very unreasonable.

And what would the OP had done if the neighbours had said something?

Sometimes we get one of those situations where can sympathise with both parties. This is one of them.

I was in the same situation a few years ago, except the neighbours called SS instead of the HA. SS weren't particularly impressed as we weren't doing anything wrong.

To keep my son from stripping off, I put him in Kaycey zip up back bodysuits, but i think M&S do them for cheaper. Although the Kaycey ones are much better (and therefore expensive). The main reason I keep him clothed though is because he will smear his faeces.

My son vocally stims. He is loud. He can't help it. He loves being outdoors, and he loves his trampoline. There's barely anything for him in the outside world, so this is his main source of safe enjoyment.

Tbh I'm fucking sick to death of compromising his happiness and making his world smaller for the sake of other people. Nobody gives a shit about making things better for him. I do what I feel is reasonable by making sure he comes in every so often, not letting him out too early, and not letting him out too late.

It's been 7 years since then and as far as I'm aware there haven't been anymore complaints.

What if he’s still running about naked at 16?

Hate to be that person @NatureandBee but also I don’t know how well your son can communicate pain with you?

But it wouldn’t be unheard of for some kinds of people to buy those anti teen/child devices that emit a low level sound adults cannot normally hear often used in city centres where kids hanging around has become a problem.

Tenants have a right to quiet enjoyment - it means their landlords can’t visit the tenanted property without reason.
It doesn’t provide a right to quiet between neighbours.

Nope, not true.

I lived next door (pre disabled child of my own) to a young autistic girl. She was 8 when I moved in and 12 when I moved out.

She regulated by playing on a swing, quite a squeaky one, and stimming loudly.

The only request I ever made was that the parents put some WD40 on it.

Who would care? Anyone is allowed to be naked in their own property unless the purpose is to flash.

there’s the noise that comes with living in an estate with other people, and then there’s excessive noise.

my garden backs on to the garden of a family with two kids, I’m told ND but they appear to be high functioning. Regardless, I have complained about their noise level before. I didn’t do the sensible thing and go to their letting agency though, I let it continue in winding me up until I yelled out of my window at the parent.

It’s an awkward thing to complain about, because of course children should be able to play in their garden. But - so should everyone! And it’s very hard to enjoy your garden when there are children shouting, screaming and arguing all day.

No one expects dead silence, but there’s a limit, and if that limit is reached and actions aren’t taken to stop that noise, it’s fucking irritating and selfish.

calling out of the window wasn’t my finest moment (although it did receive a cheer from another neighbour), but it did work. This was few years ago now, and it’s not been as bad as it was since.

Some autiistic children arnt in control of their facalties
However there should be things innplace to prevent them from attacking others

I’ve been here a while now, just over a year. Apparently they mentioned how he was loud in the summer holidays.

Tbh I'm fucking sick to death of compromising his happiness and making his world smaller for the sake of other people. Nobody gives a shit about making things better for him.

This is very true about many things that all children do in my opinion, let alone children who have additional needs and the things that make them happy are outside the norm. It's a sorry state of affairs when a grandparent can't say to their grandchild 'that child is playing in their own way, mind your own business'.

Or the man who threw the child into the crocodile enclosure while his carers scrolled their phones. He's now in secure accommodation and his carers are looking at jail time for negligence