Neighbours complained about Autistic Son

[NatureandBee]

Just found out that my next door neighbours have complained about my autistic DS. The complaint was related to him shouting in the garden(he’s non verbal and he vocally stims) and how he sometimes has no clothes on in the garden and their grandchildren can see him.

They put in a complaint to my HA and I wish they had spoken to me first. I do understand how loud he can be and I try hard to keep him dressed. The fences are high but they can see into my garden from their bedroom windows.

He’s not out there from morning til night, only in the school holidays and after school for a bit. I also work and he stays with his Dad for part of the week.

I feel so on edge now and feel like I can’t have him in the garden in case they complain again, I’m also a single parent and it makes me feel vulnerable that they have an issue with us.

They are an older couple with an immaculate garden/house. I do understand how they like to enjoy peace and quiet in their garden and obviously they deserve to not be disturbed.

I’m ashamed to say I cried when I was told of the complaint, I’m embarrassed now 🙈

It's not public nudity. It's a private garden with a high fence.

Is a bathroom with a window that could be looked into also public? Of course not.

It’s extremely challenging and I dress him, send him into the garden then a few minutes later he’s naked! Dress him again and the cycle continues. Luckily he doesn’t strip outside of the house/garden. He is black and white so outside = clothes and at home = naked!

What age is your nephew and how long has he lived in a care home.

Point out where i said it was ok ?
I said there should be robust risk assessments innplace to ensure the child/ adult doesnt get the opportunity to hit out

What's that to do with a child in their garden?

I was born with a disability so was my son we both have autism and misphonia and no the world doesn't need adapt to us we need to adapt to it and find coping strategies to allow us to do so.
Also nobody should be forced to ware earplugs or leave their home in order to not have to listen to someone else screaming and/or stimming loudly.
The neighbours have the right to peaceful enjoyment of their property and should not have to put up with the level of noise nuisance from the op and her child

What utter tosh!!! Suggesting that you should have no expectations of disabled people is the most ignorant and disrespectful thing you could have said. Being disabled doesn’t mean not striving to make achievements. It doesn’t mean not striving to be part of community and it doesn’t mean riding roughshod over societal expectations! By having zero expectations you effectively right them off and that is not ok!!!

Yes people with disabilities need more help, support and guidance to do so. But they do absolutely need to learn to the best of their individual abilities to live within the boundaries of society’s rules. For their own safety as much as other people’s.

It’s not ok for them to be violent towards people. It’s not ok to put other people at risk because of their behaviours. If someone cannot be kept from being violent then measures at some stage need to be taken to prevent them from harming others. Or you end up with horrific situations like the poor child thrown into the alligator pit at the zoo. Allowing a disabled child to routinely be violent does them no favours in the long run because ultimately you will not always be there or be able to protect them. Your not doing them a favour by not reporting them - your allowing behaviours to get out of control and condoning insufficient support and supervision.

The same goes for other behaviours too. Being noisy, removing clothing, and any other negative behaviours do need to be actively discouraged. No not every time it will be possible to prevent. If a child really can’t ever understand then again you as the parent need to take action and remove them from the situation where they are causing harm.

But it is not ok and so disabling to say because someone is disabled there should be no expectations of them.

But then the child couldn't use the toilet. Should my son be restricted in clothes so that he soils himself.

It's posts like these that reiterate to me why I wish that the diagnostic criteria for autism hadn't expanded to include those who would previously have been diagnosed with Aspergers or not diagnosed at all.

It makes people forget that it's in fact, for some, a profound disability.

The mention of Calacone by @PropertyD is also irrelevant, as the man was a paranoid schizophrenic with violent tendancies, not suffering from profound autism.

I assume you and your son have the cspacity to find coping strategies?

You are excusing behaviour and saying there should be robust assessments - yeah right. That always happens and nothing untoward occurs.

I think there has to be a balance OP.

Your child should be able to enjoy his garden, your neighbours should be able to enjoy their garden/home. If those two things can’t happen at the same time then you both have to give & take a bit so that nobody feels hard done by all of the time.

Autism isn’t a mental health problem. And yes, absolutely failures do happen but that’s not a reason to lock someone away from society for something they may or may not do, in the main risk assessments are robust and effective - if they weren’t there would be many more incidents of the kind you describe, and on a daily basis.

Now is the time to work on the stripping off in the garden. In a couple of years (speaking from personal experience) you are likely to be contending with managing other teenage boy behaviours so I would get this sorted first. I know it may take a lot of work but it will give him more options later.

My autistic child has no control over his stims. Most autistic children do not. They are not being selfish it's not in their control. My son can be outside and stimming or inside and stimming.

There are robust assessments. And they work. Otherwise the ‘untoward’ would be happening every day. No system is infallible, there are always going to be failures from time to time. That’s not a reason to start locking disabled people up because they might pose a risk.

Don't be embarrassed. It's part of his disability . Your neighbours should be embarrassed by how they've handled this and their ignorance. Head held high .

Yes, this. On the face of it, OP, you are not being unreasonable (apart from deciding it must definitely be those particular neighbours, and bringing up their age as if it relevant.

However, I also think there is a level of acceptance/normality which comes from something you are used to which may make it hard to see things from a different perspective. There was a heartbreaking thread here yesterday by a mum whose daughter had explained the impact of the disabled child's needs on her. The mummy was aware of it, but not really the extent. I find noise that you expect, such as children or DIY, is always easier to cope with than unexpected noise. And where I walk my dogs there are playing fields and sometimes there will be a line of boys peeing up the fence. I really don't want to see little boy penises while getting some exercise, and have nearly broken my neck trying to get past while looking the other way. It's at the point if I get there and there's a match on, I go home.

I would hope you could explain things to them, but also find out what disturbs them the most and see if there's a work around.

Oh Sweetheart. Please don’t feel embarrassed and please don’t cry. As another SEN mum I know it becomes second nature to feel that way. My child is really sensory and always looks proper eccentric with their long fluffy socks, heavy boots, fleecy shorts and short sleeved tops. We get some looks but it’s how they cope.

It must be the same for your boy with not wanting anything against his skin. I’m sure the HA will understand that the situation for what it is. As you’ve said it’s not constant or at unsociable hours and you’ve done what you can to mitigate with high fences etc.

Now chin up and wipe those tears away. This too shall pass. As for your neighbours they don’t sound particularly tolerant but there’s not a lot you can do about that.

I would love to know what you expect of Sen parents then? You do realise that we can't just stop our children from making noise, a lot of the time it's not something that can be taught to our children due to their level of understanding.
So what do we?
Lock them inside and tape their mouths shut?
Move away to some magical Sen community where no one has issues with noise? Ship our kids off to institutions?

Please do tell us, what would make YOUR life better in this situation.

Ah, you came over as reasonable before, now not so.

OK.

These situations are so hard. My daughter is incredibly noise sensitive - diagnosed autistic but in the stereotypically girl presentation with lots of sensory challenges and trouble with noise / crowds / lights / socialising. I met a good friend at NCT class and her son grew up to be much like the OP’s son - not very verbal, lots of noisy stimming. We had to stop getting them together around 4/5 as it was a bad match (we get together without the kids to this day). No one’s fault - it was just in both their best interests. So if they’d been our neighbour and we couldn’t just stop it would be been truly difficult for my daughter. Not that it would be his fault at all and I certainly wouldn’t expect him to change, or expect him to never be outside. But I’m guessing my friend and I would agree to some sort of compromise. But I’m pretty uncomfortable even thinking a child can’t have free access to his own garden so I don’t know what that could look like.

could you maybe text them some times you’ll definitely be away or out for the day or he’s at his dad’s so they have some times they know they can be in their garden themselves? Agree this is a faff but just thinking that the unexpectedness of it might be one of the challenges.

What would you have done if your neighbours had spoken to you? Is there a reason you wouldn't do it anyway? Being SEN isn't an excuse for anti-social behaviour, I'm afraid.

Where am i excusing behaviours ?
Have you evere met a profoundly autistic child/ adult ?
My son is 16 but has the cognitive abillity of a toddler and he does have very chalkenging behaviour
So we work very hard to ensure he doesnt get the oppertunity to hit out at anyone
Schizoprenia is very different to profound autism as capacity to understand can be very variable
Where as there is no capacity to understand ususllly with profound autism.

Oops, it appears I accidentally voted and I don't even know which way. I am sorry if I voted the wrong way. Your neighbours sound awful. You have as much right to use your garden as you wish as they do.