Neighbours complained about Autistic Son

[NatureandBee]

Just found out that my next door neighbours have complained about my autistic DS. The complaint was related to him shouting in the garden(he’s non verbal and he vocally stims) and how he sometimes has no clothes on in the garden and their grandchildren can see him.

They put in a complaint to my HA and I wish they had spoken to me first. I do understand how loud he can be and I try hard to keep him dressed. The fences are high but they can see into my garden from their bedroom windows.

He’s not out there from morning til night, only in the school holidays and after school for a bit. I also work and he stays with his Dad for part of the week.

I feel so on edge now and feel like I can’t have him in the garden in case they complain again, I’m also a single parent and it makes me feel vulnerable that they have an issue with us.

They are an older couple with an immaculate garden/house. I do understand how they like to enjoy peace and quiet in their garden and obviously they deserve to not be disturbed.

I’m ashamed to say I cried when I was told of the complaint, I’m embarrassed now 🙈

Why would it be away from everyone? Lots of people live rurally or semi rurally and aren’t totally isolated

They can't be fully controlled, but they can usually be mitigated to a degree.

OP is already planning to look into adaptive clothing that he can't remove by himself. The short-legged body suits with zips down the back (a bit like the rash suits that a lot of kids wear in summer) seem ideal for this.

There may be occasions when she can distract him from his stimming, or as I suggested, work with the neighbours on a garden timetable that helps them enjoy their garden, knowing when he's not going to be there, and OP being able to relax and let him have as long as he looked when she knows that they're not there.

It's about living together and working together to minimise the affect on them, and minimise OP 's stress/maximising the opportunities for her son to use the garden without affecting others.

He isn’t using it as sound torture. He’s disabled and this is a coping mechanism.

It’s also about the neighbours finding it in themselves to be a bit more tolerant.

It’s not a judgement on the worth of the noise-maker nor does it imply the noise is deliberate. It’s a legal judgement not a moral one.

Is it morally right? Yes IMO. We all have rights but we also have responsibilities to society and the other people who live in it. As an example, ‘Olivia’ has a theoretical right to drive a car. She’s 25 years old, law-abiding, careful, thoughtful, has memorised the Highway Code - but she has epilepsy. The law might well prevent her driving, but that’s not a judgement on her or an implication she’s not worth as much as her peers. It’s to do with the safety of others. She can’t say she’s being discriminated against because she’s disabled. The truth is she has to comply to the laws about fitness to drive just like people without epilepsy do.

I know that’s obviously not an exact same case but it was the first one that came into my head (epilepsy in the family).

Having a condition that involves making excessive noise doesn’t absolve someone or their carers of all responsibility to consider others. A solution should be found that helps both parties.

Mine doesnt 😳

Well, with living in a city, this would mean me moving to the middle of nowhere where I know nobody and have no support network, let alone a job, etc. It wasn't really about where you live though, rather that the suggestion was a little idealistic and silly.

Not everybody wants to live in a rural place, either. I lived in one for a year and will never do it again. Too used to city life, I suppose! Ultimately saying I will never uproot mine and my children's lives to go live in the middle of nowhere to make some shitty neighbours (who reported my DS for having the audacity to be autistic) happy.

He’s not wandering around naked. He’s at home.

Nobody is suggesting we allow our kids to walk the street in the nude. Nobody.

And as I said earlier, I’ve got a 15 year old sized 10 year old. I drag him in the house, unfortunately, when he won’t keep his underwear on.

But still - he’s not “wandering around,” he’s in his own space. Where he is comfortable.

Honestly it’s like you all forget you’re talking about someone’s unaware 10 year old and not some sort of pervert.

And don’t condescend me with your “be serious.”

Call it actions or any other name. You know what I meant.

Oh, well you’d best lock him in the shed then.

Does he make noise as well?

The abject ableism on this thread is astounding. If you can’t lock them up in an institution move them out to the country. Such tolerance !!

Where do you draw the line at involuntary? I’ve worked with special needs kids who would lash out-physically- because they couldn’t manage their behaviour.

When you live next to anyone, you have to be understanding. I wouldn’t like to live next to someone screaming .

Sorry you felt judged instead of understood. I'm sure it's not easy when your child can't comply with the typical behavior standards, especially as a single parent.

That said, I don't blame the neighbors for complaining or for not contacting you directly. I probably wouldn't either. What type of response you'll get from strangers on your own is just too iffy.

Also, other people have their challenges too, whether you know about them or not. It's still each person's responsibility to keep the problems in their household from becoming the neighbors' problems, as much as is reasonably possible. And from what you've said, it does seem you could do more, now that you've been made aware that the situation is disturbing the neighbors enough for them to complain about it. And, in my experience, people usually only complain after they've put up with quite a lot of a situation.

I think it's fair for him to only be outdoors under adult supervision. Then you could bring him in when he starts getting overly loud. You could also figure out ways to adapt his clothing so he can't get it off by himself. For ex. try using pants with belt loops, with the belt on so the buckle is in the back, etc.

Also, getting whatever this notice or correction is called is really not a big deal. It's okay. Best wishes.

Purely on the noise front - that’s wrong. People want to be able to enjoy their gardens and quiet evenings.

Are there many very rural special schools ,respite seevices, disabillity teams etc ?Or should families just give all that up so their childs disabillities never annoy anyone?

Stimming is a coping mechanism. What would you have him do ? Mask until it results in a meltdown ?

I think I’ll just call it stimming.

Neither noise would annoy me till it became annoying because it was constant or happening regularly in close intervals.

Kids will get excited in a pool I’m sure ops does as well. But that’s fine briefly to be over excited then calm down.

But if the kids were jumping in the pool every 10 and being over excited about it they would annoy me after a while Sen or no Sen.

Noise is noise at the end of the day and repetition of noise like basketball balls or trampolines or even the same loud hum/growl or whatever can become like torture.

Im not differentiating between bobs noisy kids and yours apart from trying to maybe hold my calm for yours for longer because I know they have Sen. But both will be annoying still.

Yes. Yes they should. According to MN. The hatred of disabled people really shows itself here doesn’t it ? Very tolerant of disability but not in my back yard.

He has a happy scream.

It always surprises me as you’d think GPs would know better. Mine told me I should just accept my son was a bit “thick because some kids just are, and carting him around to assessments is just abusive”, in front of son. Roll on the years and he got 8x Grade 8 GCSEs, a7 and two 6s and is studying maths physics and chemistry A’levels. He is severely dyslexic. I was upset at the time and remembering it makes me upset still.

Nice and high pitched I hope! 😂

Some people just love to kick others when they’re down… they can clearly see that looking after a disabled child is not a walk in the park, and yet they decide to add to an already overfilled plate. Sorry you’re going through this OP. There’s so little compassion in this world today, its depressing.

I bet the people who want disabled children who make a noise to live rurally are the same people who complain about school transport costs.

He will likely become distressed in clothes he can’t remove and he should never be told to suppress his stims, if he even could.