Neighbours complained about Autistic Son

[NatureandBee]

Just found out that my next door neighbours have complained about my autistic DS. The complaint was related to him shouting in the garden(he’s non verbal and he vocally stims) and how he sometimes has no clothes on in the garden and their grandchildren can see him.

They put in a complaint to my HA and I wish they had spoken to me first. I do understand how loud he can be and I try hard to keep him dressed. The fences are high but they can see into my garden from their bedroom windows.

He’s not out there from morning til night, only in the school holidays and after school for a bit. I also work and he stays with his Dad for part of the week.

I feel so on edge now and feel like I can’t have him in the garden in case they complain again, I’m also a single parent and it makes me feel vulnerable that they have an issue with us.

They are an older couple with an immaculate garden/house. I do understand how they like to enjoy peace and quiet in their garden and obviously they deserve to not be disturbed.

I’m ashamed to say I cried when I was told of the complaint, I’m embarrassed now 🙈

She didn’t have a confirmed diagnosis, a specialist hadn’t been able to confirm if the noises were involuntary or not, the main noise complaints where from the middle of the night (not the middle of the afternoon in the garden), and had been offered soundproofing.

It’s not the same.

OP, two things: first of all, even though you've told your utterly charming NDNs that your son is autistic, tell them again. Find a leaflet about severe autism (actually I'm not sure I've ever seen such a thing!) or explain how it impacts him every minute of his day. And yours. Print off an NHS page on autism and non-verbal children. Does he also have learning disabilities? Print something off on that too. Go round (while he's at school?) with a BIG smile on your face and politely give them this information into their hands. Explain briefly that you'd like them to know a little more about your son. Explain that the very nature of a disability means he cannot help any of this. Still smiling, tell them that he has a right to enjoy his garden as they do theirs.

Ok, then they can't say 'oh but we didn't know'. They can't say 'but my cousin's daughter's friend's son is autistic and he's really good at maths and talks the hind leg off a donkey'. Some people aren't educated about autism/LDs at the severe end of the spectrum. Some people still prefer to tell themselves that it's ultimately down to 'bad parenting'.

The other thing is: grow a thicker skin. He's ten so you already know you need to, but do try. You've got a LOT on your plate and you need to filter out the wankers.

If they persist in this, if they continue to fail to understand the nature of disability and autism and that they really should walk a mile in your shoes first, then tell the HA that they're being discriminatory.

There is a difference between a loud noise and shouting.

As an example, our son doesn’t have a shout type stim. He makes a humming noise, but louder. With the occasional “gagagaga” and what we call birdies (putting his fingers together and flapping his arms).

It wouldn’t sound like shouting, screeching or screaming to anyone. Even someone who doesn’t appreciate the noise.

My point is that I think some people are assuming the noise must be offensive or screechy, because he’s autistic so as you say it “must be,” rather than assuming the neighbour might be a miserable cow.

I would say anything involuntary is very much tough shit.

What can the OP sensibly do that she is not already doing?

If nothing, they're just going to have to buy earplugs or a detached house. Nothing to be done.

Don't be silly Susan, he's ten.

If it’s too loud it’s going to become annoying eventually regardless of what it is though.

That’s a real shame.

Kids play in gardens. Even autistic ones.

If someone has a general issue with kids playing in gardens, might I suggest a field. Or the moon.

If they have issue with autistic kids specifically playing in gardens, I’d suggest fucking off.

I just think it's bad practice in general to let a growing kid think that it's ok to be nude outside. It could set up problems in the future. That's actually as much from his point of view as anyone else's. I don't really side with these neighbours.

I didn’t say it was the same. I was responding to someone who said having a disability trumped other people’s rights. It doesn’t.

not that easy when the child is autistic.

So you don’t ever find noises annoying?

Lets be serious most people are understanding but everyone has their limits.

A cockerel every morning at 6am is annoying but unless it’s an arsehole cockerel it’s not constantly going off all day.
A dog barking for 5 minutes regularly is annoying.
A twat bag revving his car or bike is annoying. A basket ball bouncing for ages regularly is annoying.
Squeaky trampoline springs can be annoying. A neighbour who bbqs daily could be seen as annoying.

Most decent people try to limit annoying their neighbour while still enjoying their space. Only wankers go oh well fuck them they can move nothing I can do.

Maybe the noise makers and other annoying people should live in the middle of nowhere if they want to be free to make as much noise as they want. It goes both ways.

If you want understanding you also have to be understanding.

You seem to think the noises and nakedness are something the op can control. Or do you think he just be locked up inside all the time?

I dunno - parenting ( 2 SEN), foster parenting, child minding approx40 kids, teaching, Guide/scout leading, district commissioner with the safeguarding of 3000 kids under my charge, I could go on. Lots of characters, lots of wild ones, lots of SEN ones, lots from broken families doing all sorts … none of them were stripping off naked or sexual deviants by the age off 15.

The lad was playing in a pool in his garden where both he and his mother were unaware that he was being observed or that this was causing distress to anyone else. Had she known, I am sure she would have found a solution. And I am sure she will now find other methods to restrict the behaviour, perhaps using some of the back-zipped playsuits PP have suggested. OP will find a way now she is aware there is an issue.

The fact that you question whether he will grow out of it or can be guided to behave differently with support is rather ableist, isn’t it? Are you OP’s neighbour, perchance? Because you should be ashamed of yourself.

I hear that and I actually feel for the OP. I just think that it is important to be clear about when nudity is appropriate and when it isn't. I'm talking more from a safeguarding perspective than from an etiquette perspective. The neighbours sound like a pain (and I have no sympathy with them whatsoever about the noise) but I think they kind of have a point about the nudity. JMO.

If someone came to you and said “Bob’s kids playing in their paddling pool and their noise doesn’t bother me, but when your child specifically plays out, and makes the relevant noises they do, that really gets under my skin” …

You’re telling me you wouldn’t tell them to get fucked and stop singling your kid out when Bob’s are apparently fine?

Or would you just apologise for not having kids like Bob’s, and for their very existence, and lock them in a cupboard out of the way?

Yes because its just that simple to uproot your entire family and take yourself away from all the services that might be helping your child to buy a cheap rural bungalow 🙄

That's honestly never the case unless it's regarding addressing people that are obviously aggressive (loud music, alcohol, drugs, parties til early hours, you get the idea).

They didn't address her because:

a.) They know they're being ridiculous,
b.) They know there's not much they can expect her to actually do to change anything,
c.) They're spineless cowards and thought that going through the LHA would have them kick her and her vulnerable son out, for him having autism. Unsurprisingly, that did not and will not happen.

It's really annoying tbh that so many people in the world say they're accepting and supportive of those with additional needs, until they see those conditions in real life and then they're like, ew wtf get it away from me I'm reporting them for having additional needs. Tragic really.

It’s loud but not high pitched, it’s actually a very low pitched AAAAGGH noise - my mum once commented on the phone and asked me was there a motorbike outside…it was my son 🙈

The issue is likely to be the specific circumstances.

My son understands that he should keep his clothes on in public. In his home comfort, he sees absolutely no need to because that’s his environment.

The garden isn’t public as far as he’s concerned, it’s within the confines of his space, where he can take his tshirt off because it’s his house. Stepping into the garden doesn’t change that, because that’s still home.

Which also explains why OP has said he doesn’t do it at school, or as regularly, because that’s not his space.

A big hug - you are doing your best . He’s entitled to use his own garden. I woukd try and teach him to keep pants on but then if they’re looking from their top windows that’s not your problem!

try not to worry

I know I was just saying what I would make happen if possible. It sounds super stressful for OP too, she has not only the noise to contend with but the neighbour disapproval.

Brb going to buy a ""cheap""" rural bungalow away from kids schools, my job, my family and friends, with my unlimited amount of money. Why didn't I think of this sooner!

Yes but he’ll be a grown man and then he can’t just wander around naked where kids might see him. Come on, be sensible.

Ours is more an “uuuuuugghh” sound, they should start a band.

10 ??? Regardless of anything else he needs to be wearing clothes if outside