Neighbours complained about Autistic Son

[NatureandBee]

Just found out that my next door neighbours have complained about my autistic DS. The complaint was related to him shouting in the garden(he’s non verbal and he vocally stims) and how he sometimes has no clothes on in the garden and their grandchildren can see him.

They put in a complaint to my HA and I wish they had spoken to me first. I do understand how loud he can be and I try hard to keep him dressed. The fences are high but they can see into my garden from their bedroom windows.

He’s not out there from morning til night, only in the school holidays and after school for a bit. I also work and he stays with his Dad for part of the week.

I feel so on edge now and feel like I can’t have him in the garden in case they complain again, I’m also a single parent and it makes me feel vulnerable that they have an issue with us.

They are an older couple with an immaculate garden/house. I do understand how they like to enjoy peace and quiet in their garden and obviously they deserve to not be disturbed.

I’m ashamed to say I cried when I was told of the complaint, I’m embarrassed now 🙈

He has been known to strip off in school too but it’s at home he is the most comfortable.

Have you got any relevant ones?

Mainly because this is a child, he’s actually not using profane or offensive language, you can’t sound proof a garden, and there’s no therapy that would stop stimming.

What we’re talking about here, aside from the nudity, is a neighbour taking issue with a child playing happily in his garden.

2 options here..

• Neighbour would also have an issue with a child laughing and expressing happiness in their garden in a “conventional” manner.

In which case - she’s miserable.

• Or neighbour wouldn’t have issue with a child laughing in their garden, but does with this child’s expression of happiness.

In which case, she’s ableist.

There’s a difference between laughing and then making a repetitive and grating loud noise over and over, hence some things being used as sound torture while eg classical music isn’t

While it’s going to be hard to control a non-verbal autistic child, you need to find a compromise.

Ive lived next to antisocial neighbours and it really messes with your head. I’ve had neighbours screaming and as someone who grew up with DV, it used to really unsettle me. screaming is not something you can easily ignore.

I would go over to the neighbours and have an honest conversation . Maybe agree set hours in the week so they can plan for the noise? So 4pm-6pm weekdays?

It is relevant to my point, ie having a disability doesn’t mean you don’t have to comply with the law. Noise can be a statutory nuisance, whether it’s swearing or screaming or whatever. Having autism and/or being a child doesn’t mean you can just make as much noise as you want. The case I linked to specifically mentioned children and that in the case of children the parents were responsible.

How obviously very offensive.

Allow me to apologise on behalf of every autistic child ever, for their “grating” communication of happiness.

See option two of my post for evidence of what your opinion means.

Feel for you, OP x

Oh thank you for being so kind. I think it doesn't occur to a lot of people what others are going through. Although the woman kind of had her speech prepared so even when I was almost in tears and apologising she just carried on.

Oh come on. Of course it’s not their fault. It’s not a value judgement. But ear splitting shrieks and similar noises will always be worse than more general chatter/laughter.

I feel for you OP. Life is hard enough looking after a child with complex needs without having to be made to feel like a burden in your own home ❤️. You sound like you’re doing a fabulous job.

I don’t think anything will come of the complaint so please don’t worry. I think the answer is to moderate how much time he spends in the garden, which it sounds like you already do. However the neighbours should have approached you about this and tried to agree something instead of complaining and making you feel like shit.

(and yes I also say to be mindful about the time spend in the garden by neurotypical children being noisy, for those who are looking to pick a fight).

Does he take all his clothes off at school or in the park?

Ive just seen that you say he’s been ‘known to undress at school’, so not often then? Is he more comfortable at home or is he just given more opportunities to undress?

It can often be grating though. And unpredictable and often high pitched. I taught children whose stims really went through me. But it was my job, I was in a position to do things to mitigate it (distracting the child, having a TA take him out for a few minutes etc*) and it was on my work time, not in my home when I needed to relax.

Absolutely no-one is blaming the child for that, least of all me. But it doesn't make the effect of the sound on others any easier to manage.

*Because of course the sound also upset some classmates who found noise triggering

Yes I 100% acknowledge autistic kids need to live somewhere and unless their parents are millionaires, that ‘somewhere’ will be an ordinary house with close neighbours. But I’m also disabled and regularly awake with that at night so I’m always tired, constant noise next door would drive me over the edge and make me deeply shitty.

In OP’s shoes I would attempt to buy a small rural bungalow which you can usually get fairly cheaply (in this part of the country anyway), the type down a track off a main road.

He mostly stays dressed in school but they have told me that he can be prone to stripping off occasionally and asked me what they can do to keep his clothes on.

As i said autism doesn't trump everything. You don't know if one of the neighbours has a terminal illness and is going through Chemo or choosing to die at home but you are absolutely right they should just suck it up, selfish bastards.

Where do you draw the line then on behaviour? What is okay because someone is disabled?

I think this is just one of those shitty situations where nobody wins and nobody is being unreasonable. Both will have to ‘give’ a little bit

Of course even happy sounds can be grating.

Any sounds can become grating. Even from our own children but it’s more tolerable because we love our children.

I tell mine I don’t want to hear them screaming or shouting and if I don’t want to hear it the neighbours certainly don’t.

I imagine though and I know someone’s going to take offence at the comparison but dog owners who have zoned out their dogs barking not realising how loud or how long it’s going on for. Parents can and do often become the same or they just don’t give a fuck. I try to be kind and air on the side of learnt to zone it out.

If my neighbours dog or child was screaming/barking for 5 minutes every half an hour I’d be mad it’s a loud regular intrusion and you’ll be sat on edge after a certain point for the next scream or bark.

Do you think this is morally right though? It doesn't sit right with a lot of people if someone couldn't help it. I'd be a bit worried about being seen to be an arsehole trying to evict someone from their home because of involuntary noises they made due to disability. Quite a lot of people on this thread think it would make you a bit of an arsehole to do that. I wouldn't want to be known as that person on the street who is intolerant and complains all of the time.

Stimming isn’t behaviour.

OP wished they’d spoken up her first; perhaps they were fearful of meeting this level of aggression and hostility in response. (Although to be fair the OP sounds much more reasonable and civilized).

Agree. The fact the cause is disability doesn’t negate the effect on the nervous system.

Can I just point out, I’ve read through OPs posts and absolutely nowhere does she mention screaming, or screeching, high pitched or otherwise.

She has said he stims, and it can be loud, but hasn’t said it’s screaming or screeching. She refers to the complaint being about shouting in her OP, but then clarifies that he’s not shouting, he’s happily stimming.

Posters who are referring to that have somehow made that up themselves, and I would question why that is.

Yanbu but neither is your neighbour, they have a right to enjoy their home, their garden etc as do you. The problem is that your son’s needs are not compatible with having close neighbours. How long is the noise ongoing for? Can they hear him inside their house too? If he’s out for more than 30 minute periods and/or they can hear him inside their home then you do need to work with his care team, the housing association and perhaps local experts to find a solution to coexist. I have an autistic dd who was very loud at times but she wasn’t allowed in the garden if screaming or shouting, and we deliberately chose a detached house as soon as we could, i admit this is privileged to an extent but wasn’t an expensive part of the country. My DD’s principal noise issue was playing multiple instruments, I wore headphones a lot!

It got to be some kind of shout or scream to be loud enough for even op to agree loud which is likely quieter than how her neighbours feel it is.

Though I think a lot of comments including mine are not directed directly at the op but more of the issues of noise from neighbours.