Neighbours complained about Autistic Son

[NatureandBee]

Just found out that my next door neighbours have complained about my autistic DS. The complaint was related to him shouting in the garden(he’s non verbal and he vocally stims) and how he sometimes has no clothes on in the garden and their grandchildren can see him.

They put in a complaint to my HA and I wish they had spoken to me first. I do understand how loud he can be and I try hard to keep him dressed. The fences are high but they can see into my garden from their bedroom windows.

He’s not out there from morning til night, only in the school holidays and after school for a bit. I also work and he stays with his Dad for part of the week.

I feel so on edge now and feel like I can’t have him in the garden in case they complain again, I’m also a single parent and it makes me feel vulnerable that they have an issue with us.

They are an older couple with an immaculate garden/house. I do understand how they like to enjoy peace and quiet in their garden and obviously they deserve to not be disturbed.

I’m ashamed to say I cried when I was told of the complaint, I’m embarrassed now 🙈

Some are some absolutely aren't. And yes youre right this has gone off on a tangent somewhat but the point was that one person's disability doesnt trump everyone else's right to safety or peace.

I get the impression from OP that her son is out in the garden being very loud a lot and I do feel thats super unfair on neighbours and he should be brought in if its continuing. She shouldnt have needed it highlighted or brought to her attention.

@Vinvertebrate

These are the ones! I got ours in blue, which they appear to not have now.

They do have ones with popper fastenings but that is absolutely not secure enough for my Houdini nudist.

He’s in 14-15 clothes and pads, and is in the 15-16 with plenty of room.

www.marksandspencer.com/2-pack-back-adaptive-opening-rompers-3-16-yrs-/p/clp61232184?color=PEWTER#intid=pid_pg1pip36g2r2c1%7Cprodflag_srp_ts_QP_13

I haven’t had a chance to read all the posts. But you are trying your best. And that’s all you can do. I have an autistic son and when he had meltdowns I think the whole street could hear. But all you can do is 1) not let him out at the crack of dawn ….. 2) try to keep some pants or boxers on him…..
as to noise, children do make noise, and having autism can add to the level. But again, you should not be made to feel you and your son are doing anything wrong, in fact, your neighbours are being discriminatory by complaining. I would hold my head high, and give a little wave. 👋

Ps. My son has a meltdown on a flight to Spain. I was so upset and mortified, and could feel the glares and tutting coming my way. The flight attendant reassured me and said any passengers seen or heard complaining will be spoken to as ‘if they wanted a private jet scenario then they should have paid for one’. It really made me think that although I was apologetic to fellow passengers, that didn’t mean they had the right to make us feel like we should never travel on a plane again!! We’ve since done over 30 flights without any issues. And that’s all thanks to a Jet2 flight attendants kindness ❤️

It's not illegal to have cctv that catches neighbours gardens. It's happening more and more.

Googled yet?

I couldn't care less who wanders around in their garden naked. I would really struggle with the noise though. If it was frequent and extremely loud, I wouldn't be able to bear it. Loud noises can send people round the bend.

Ooooh thank you @SleeplessInWherever - I have ordered a pink short pack and a pewter long 'un pack for DS. I love MN.

I remember the popper version well, and also have a small Houdini. I never thought my sewing skills would come in handy during the toddler years, but it was one way to make sure DS kept his romper (and nappy) on until morning!

It is not always a case of being unsympathetic, sometimes it really is too much. You have no idea of the medical conditions these people have, autism doesn't trump everything else.

I don’t think YABU to be upset at all, I think they are unreasonable for not speaking to you first.
I teach in a severe and complex school and understand completely how difficult it can be to stop children constantly removing clothes or shoes. We go by no clothes then inside. Some children have onesies or vests that zip up the back so they cannot remove them, they work well.
The stimming is him having fun and expressing himself so why is it seen differently so another child laughing/screaming or shouting when out playing. Some stims can be very grating I get that but considering the noise of some of the neighbourhood children they should be more considerate,
How old are they? I’ve always worked with additional support needs and my elderly parents often felt a lot of things were a sign of today and parents not being strict enough. Since joining my most recent school it has really opened their eyes and I’ve definitely noticed a shift in their understanding and acceptance. They come along to school events and interact with the children and parents which has really helped their understanding. I wonder if they don’t have a good enough understanding and think it’s you not being strict enough? It’s a bit awkward because they didn’t come to you but perhaps educating them would be helpful, provide them with some facts in a letter. It makes me sad that for progress we have made we are still a million miles off where we should be.

in fact, your neighbours are being discriminatory by complaining. I would hold my head high, and give a little wave

Why on earth would you do that? That would make it look like you were being purposely provocative. And no, it wouldn’t be discriminatory unless the son was being treated differently to comparators, eg if the OP had two sons, only one with autism, and the neighbours were happy to let the NT son shout as much as he wanted but not the ND son.

OP, it sounds like your neighbours have put up with the noise for a while and have now felt compelled to complain because they’re at the end of their tether. What are you doing to reduce the noise from your DS in the garden? His autism is a reason not an excuse. You still need to try to mitigate the noise.

I’d be less worried about the clothes personally because that’s nothing compared to noise.

Plenty on here complain about children screaming in their gardens or bouncing on a trampoline.

I feel for you but this just isn’t acceptable. He’s 10 - a toddler on the beach i can sort of understand but a 10 year old in an overlooked garden? What about when he’s 13/14? I can absolutely understand them being very uncomfortable with it, I would be too.

It kind of does trump the neighbours' complaints though because:

• he's a 10 yo child
• in his own garden
• making happy noises that he can't control because he's disabled

I am not suggesting the OP should let DS out at 3am to howl at the moon, but she sounds far too sensible for that anyway. I don't condone any avaoidable noise nuisance, but in this case, the neighbours are just going to have to suck it up - they might learn something about ASC on the way.

The only thing you need to work on is him being naked......solely because it's acceptableish now aged 10 but it won't be in a couple of years. Working on it now will pay off when he's older.

The vocal stims etc well that's just tough titties to them. That's how he communicates, he isn't doing it to piss them off he's just existing just like we all are. Plus he's at school all day, he goes to his dads and goes out and about with you too. They have a more than reasonable amount of time to enjoy their garden around him.

I've been out with my clearly severely autistic son who has been happily minding his own business when parents have let their young children come up and bother him. He has been clearly showing that he isn't comfortable, turning away and trying to hide his face but the parents still don't move their child away. Considering others works both ways - and yes he finds that sort of bothering distressing and may well self injure later. This is children much younger than him not a child of their own age that the parents would think their child is just trying to make friends with.

How do you know he will mature out of it?

And I wouldn't let any child of mine play naked in summer Be burned to shreds

We recently had a young man with autism move into our street and before he arrived, his parents sent us all a letter explaining his behaviour and that we might experience some noise from his garden. I found this really helpful and now feel very supportive. I don't mind the occasional bit of noise as I understand what it is. I'd suggest writing them a letter explaining his behaviour and perhaps they will be more understanding?

Aw op I understand how upset and vulnerable you must feel. It's absolutely horrible being in such a difficult situation ie single with an autistic child and having people with stable lives complaining about you. What you need is understanding and support and you got the opposite.

I remember once being newly single and parking my car in a spot solely so that I might bump into the neighbours a bit more as I was so lonely and stressed. This woman came round to complain about my car being in the way and I was so so upset. It's a horrible ways to feel. (I have two ASD sons btw.)

I don't think there's much you can do about people like that though. Maybe at some point they will be in a difficult situation themselves and they will develop some empathy.

You need to find a way anyway possible to stop the nakedness. You never know first off who might enjoy seeing him naked. On the flip side he's 10 now but in a few years he can get in a lot of trouble being naked in inappropriate places. Sadly the law will not care he does this to regulate.

A neighbor of mine was this was but 12/13 Another kid took offense to this they boy was referred to as a perv a flasher etc. Life was very hard and they finally left the neighborhood after he was slapped for flashing. Was he flashing? No. Slapper was not in any trouble as the police said it was due to shock of being flashed and self defense. Stop the nudity for your son's sake any way possible.

@OrganicDecafEarlGrey

I cannot tell you how sad that car story has just made me. Horrendous.

People are absolute arseholes.

Is the bar really “it’s not criminal”? If you think that I’m glad I’m not your neighbour

Having taught children like OP 's son for nearly four decades, I couldn't be more sympathetic to their parents. I taught one child who only slept for an hour or two a night, and basically screamed and beat his hands on the wall for the rest of the night. Unsurprisingly their neighbours complained. Mum only slept when he was at school, but the neighbours didn't have that option. It's a lose: lose situation, and dreadful for all.

My experience and empathy for parents like OP, would still not protect me from really struggling if I lived next door to her. I really struggle with noise that I can't control. I would really want to move

But of course my professional background would more likely lead to me taking to her about how all three of us could cope with this, in the hope that we could mitigate the problem. Like letting each other know when we were going to be away from home for a few hours, so that I'd know when I'd get the opportunity to enjoy my own garden, and plan it into my diary. And so that she would know when she could relax and let her son stim to his hearts content, because I'm not there.

Maybe you could ask the council to meditate so that you can communicate with the 'anonymous' complainant to achieve something like that, @NatureandBee ?

I think the neighbours are being unreasonable. My son was like this for a period. You really can't do much about it and neither can the HA because it isn't antisocial behaviour. The neightbours either need to live in the arse end of nowhere or actually learn how to cope living in proximity to rhe general public.

The things the HA would be interested in are drug dealing, cuckooing and loud parties or aggression, not an autistic child. People can complain all they like, but they are very unlikely to do anything as they cannot throw a vulnerable child out onto the street because they are disabled, unless you refuse to pay the rent.

When my son has a no clothes period the only thing that works is those zip back swimsuits, but you won't get them for 10 year olds.

And other posters, if your child strips and you take them back in they won't necessarily 'learn' not to do that if they are severely learning disabled too. You can't always teach severely autistic children boundaries,it doesn't mean you shouldn't try, but it doesn't work sometimes if there are sensory issues.

It kind of does trump the neighbours' complaints though

No, it doesn’t. Having a disability doesn’t mean you’re exempt from the law. It depends how “unreasonable” the noise is and what steps the OP has taken to mitigate it.

Here’s a case relating to noise nuisance and disability:

https://www.landmarkchambers.co.uk/news-and-cases/news/disabilities-and-noise-nuisance

How does he manage to keep his clothes on at school if you say he doesn’t understand that he can’t take his clothes off outside?