Neighbours complained about Autistic Son

[NatureandBee]

Just found out that my next door neighbours have complained about my autistic DS. The complaint was related to him shouting in the garden(he’s non verbal and he vocally stims) and how he sometimes has no clothes on in the garden and their grandchildren can see him.

They put in a complaint to my HA and I wish they had spoken to me first. I do understand how loud he can be and I try hard to keep him dressed. The fences are high but they can see into my garden from their bedroom windows.

He’s not out there from morning til night, only in the school holidays and after school for a bit. I also work and he stays with his Dad for part of the week.

I feel so on edge now and feel like I can’t have him in the garden in case they complain again, I’m also a single parent and it makes me feel vulnerable that they have an issue with us.

They are an older couple with an immaculate garden/house. I do understand how they like to enjoy peace and quiet in their garden and obviously they deserve to not be disturbed.

I’m ashamed to say I cried when I was told of the complaint, I’m embarrassed now 🙈

Is there a reason you didn't oil the chain, that would have been an easy fix and showed some consideration to your neighbours?

I'm not telling you what you mean, I'm telling you you have fundamentally misunderstood the concept of the chat forum if you think we are all making generic comments into the ether.

Even when I have my grandchildren visiting, I'm aware that their excited squealing could be irritating to neighbours, and limit the amount of time they do so, and/or encourage quieter voices of they get too scream-y. I do think that children screaming while playing becomes excessive noise after a period.

Obviously OP's child can't understand or limit his stimming, but it would be unreasonable for OP to leave him doing so for hours (and she understands that, even if you don't)

Well hes non verbsl and strips off so im assuming he has fairly significant needs

I am not sure you understand the concept of capacity. I refer you to the case of Jonty Bravery. Being autistic absolutely doesn't mean someone will not be arrested or jailed.

A ten year old naked in their own garden in a pool is very normal, additional needs or not. I think these are old busy bodies tbh

I was an outreach worker for disabled people for many years and some of the saddest cases l ever dealt with were where families were trying to cope with adult children with a mix of MH and severe spectrum disabilities, who were aggressive and had violent outbursts.

These families frequently have the highest levels of need and yet often receive the least help because there are no easy answers. Placements outside the home are virtually impossible where these behavioural issues exist and there have often been multiple needs assessments over time, from which meaningful help has never materialised because the resources are limited and subject to long waiting lists.

I’ve seen parents repeatedly assaulted by their adult children, who are often much bigger and stronger than their parents, and shockingly it’s not uncommon for families to allocate a safe room to lock themselves in to keep safe during these outbursts. In some instances repeated episodes of violence are evident from the damage done to the home itself.

It’s clear that a lot of posters here have no real idea of the state of social care and disability support in general. The expectation is that if you need support you’ll get it, and sadly, as is evident from your own post, in many cases that simply doesn’t happen.

l don’t agree with the poster upthread who said that disabled people should be allowed to to behave however they like simply because they are disabled (which l think is the one the poster you’ve quoted was responding to). Disabled people should have equal rights, and along with those rights come responsibilities. But as you say, there are many difficult and complex circumstances similar to your own for which there are no easy solutions. The intolerance and lack of empathy from some posters, together with the ‘lock them up’ undertone that’s developing is concerning.

You shouldn’t have to stop him! It is his garden and it is how he is regulating himself. I am not surprised it upset you but try and think fuck them. What have the HA said?

Yes I was going to suggest exactly this. A sail would give DS some privacy and you some peace of mind.

Sadly l have to agree with you. Often people with autism or mental health problems are unable to access the help they need until they commit a crime and enter the justice system. Which, as a country, is absolutely nothing to be proud of.

There are non verbal men in prison.

There are also many men who strip off their clothes who get sent to prison for indecent exposure - many of which lack the capacity or have not been taught how inappropriate it is and it’s not always because they’re some twisted sex pest.

But this was in response to another child that has been regularly violent to members of the public - not OPs son.

Im not sure you undetsand the concept of autism being a spectrum ?
I never said somebody couldnt be arrested purely becsuse they have a diagnosis of autism
I said severe autism i assumed peoole woukd undrttsand what i meant by severe or if you like profound clearly not
Somebody who is profoundly autistic will lavk the csoacity to understand how their autism impacts others
My son for example has a primary diagnosis of autism and has the cognitive ability of a toddler hes 16.

The suppport isnt really there and there are people trying to manage violent behaviour until something more serious happens and they assault someone outside the home.

As for the people who say with risk assessments, proper support etc all will be dandy is deluded.

Surely the issue becomes serious though as he gets older. Exposing your genitals is a criminal offence. He is ten now,

It isn't clear from your post - are your HA actually expecting you to act on this complaint?

I'd fight fire with fire tbh. Start talking about disability discrimination and consider reporting to the police that the next door neighbours are watching your autistic son in an inappropriate manner. It's the only way these people will learn. If they'd had any decency, they would have spoken to you and not gone running straight to the HA.

Honestly OP ignore the horrible responses on here. You and your boy have done nothing wrong and there is no action the HA can take against you as I'm sure you're aware.

I can imagine it feels horrible that your neighbours have gone behind your back and made a formal complaint about something you can do absolutely nothing about.

Why on earth they think you should prioritise their grandchildren, who don't even live there, over your stressing your son is beyond me.

Assuming you've explained your DS's diagnosis and the HA are aware, I'd be minded to put a short note through their door stating that you know they complained, they knew your son has a disability, you take steps to mitigate it which you would have outlined to them if they'd approached you, and any further vexatious complaints will be treated as harrassment.

He isn't 'exposing his genitals' and I find it disturbing you equate a child playing in their own garden without clothes on to a sex offence.

Sorry OP, 10 pages of comments and no time to read them all.

While some people are grumpy for the sake of it, some are just ignorant of the situation and are annoyed by the noise without knowing the underlying cause. If I hear loud children, my first thought is poor behaviour.

Have you tried talking to them? Apologising profusely but explaining why your son does it? That you hate to disturb them but there's honestly nothing you can do when he needs to stim?

I try to believe in the better side of human nature, people can be quite understanding once they know why things are happening. Growing up, our house use to back up against flats that housed people with special needs. One in particular use to make the loudest sounds that I can only describe is a donkey. My mother (who hated loud neighbours) use to say "it's not their fault" and lived with it.

You are just illustrating further your lack of understanding. You do understand that the the autism spectrum isn't a linear spectrum from mild to severe, because that is the way you seem to be using the term. Do you think that Jonty Bravery is not profoundly autistic? The fact your son has a learning disability alongside his autism is neither here nor there.

Picka is not an autistic trate it maybe something that is co-morbide with asd but they are not part of it.
I am not saying everyone who is autistic is the same as me. I recognise that im (old school terms here) moderate to high functioning and my ds is low to moderate functioning. However saying that ots acceptable for a 12-13 year old to be left to roam the streets assaulting people because they "aren't in control of their faculties" is abilist bs.
The person painting all asd people as incapable of learning not to attack random people and claiming that we are all incapable is the person I quoted.
Also its the parents/guardians who should be preventing violent outbursts where other people will be injured if the child is incapable of doing so themselves ie not letting them out on the street unsupervised rather than just saying its ok because autism means that they aren't capable of being in control of their faculties

Just to add please don't apologise for your DS or take them chocolates and flowers!

Pretty sure they've figured by now the OP's DS has SN and they DGAF. If they were interested in being empathetic or friendly, they'd have approached OP and discussed before making a complaint.

Wonder if they'd have made a complaint about a hairy handed biker revving a motorbike, fixing cars in the drive, or having a pack of XL bullies barking all day in the garden.

If Jonty has the capacity to understand what hes done the no he isnt profiundly autistic as most people will understand
I dont need a lecture about autism i
There are some autistic people who cannot function in any area of the spectrum

I'm really not clear how much he is out in the garden. You have said it's not 8 hours but is it eg 1 hour or 5 hours or more?

Jonty Bravery was allowed to be out on his own. I think that is a different ball game from someone who has to have carers with them. I do think Jonty was vulnerable and let down by the system.

Who cares? He has a right to be in his garden as much as he wants.

OP has not said that he stims all the time he's out there.