I HATE my son I can’t do this anymore

[rambleberry]

I honestly dont even know why I’m posting. I just feel like I cant do this anymore.

He’s 13, turned 13 three weeks ago. I know he’s a child and I know how bad this sounds but I hate him. I hate saying that about my own child but I am at the end of my tether and nobody seems to listen when I say how bad things have got.

His dad died when he was 7 and I’ve brought him up on my own since then. I know he’s had a lot to deal with but I cant keep excusing everything because of that. I dont know what else I’m supposed to do.

This morning school sent him home because he was sick. He’s been sick again since he’s been home but he went to sleep for a bit and seems fine now. He asked if he could go out tonight and I said no because he’s been ill and I dont want him going out and then being sick again somewhere. That was it. Apparently I’m picking on him because he’s been ill, I’m always ruining everything and I never let him do anything. He started shouting at me and calling me names. I said I wasnt arguing about it and he got even worse.

He’s shoved past me to get out of the room and shouted that he hopes I die. Just screamed it at me. I honestly dont even know what to say to that anymore. I told him to get away from me and he carried on shouting. Now he’s in his room and I’m downstairs trying to calm down and he’s probably forgotten all about it already.

This is what its like here all the time. I can ask him to do something completely normal and it turns into a massive argument. He calls me a stupid bitch, pathetic, thick, says nobody respects me and that I’m a shit mum. If I get upset he says I’m being dramatic. If I shout back then apparently I’m the one with the problem. He knows exactly what to say to hurt me and sometimes I honestly think he does it on purpose.

I know I let him get away with things. I tell him the xbox is going off and he argues for ages, swearing and following me around the house, and sometimes I just give up and let him carry on because I havent got the energy for another row. Same with his phone. I’ve taken it off him because of things I’ve found on there and then ended up giving it back because I just cant cope with hours of shouting. I know people will say I’m making a rod for my own back and maybe I am but I’m so tired. I cant spend every evening fighting with a 13 year old.

The stuff he says online worries me as well. I’ve seen messages where he’s making really nasty comments about girls at school, mocking their looks and saying things about women being good for one thing. He’s watching these men online who talk about women like they’re worthless and repeating what they say. When I challenge him he tells me I know nothing and girls are just as bad. He doesnt seem to see anything wrong with it. I’ve tried putting restrictions on his phone but he gets round them and then I’m back to another argument.

I have tried asking for help and I honestly feel like I’m talking to a brick wall. He seems to have no limit to how nasty he can be when he’s angry. He’ll say the most horrible thing imaginable and then carry on as if nothing happened. I dont know how I’m supposed to keep dealing with this on my own.

I’ve even thought about ringing social services and saying I dont want him anymore. I havent done it but the thought has crossed my mind more than once. Just saying I cant have him here, I cant do this anymore, someone else needs to take over because I’m done. Then I feel disgusting for even thinking it because he’s my child and he’s only 13. But I genuinely dont know how much longer I can keep living like this. I dont want to abandon him but I also dont know how to help him when nobody seems willing to help us.

I hate what our relationship has become. I dread him coming home sometimes. When he’s out I feel relieved and then feel guilty for feeling relieved. I dont even want to speak to him after what he’s just said to me. I know people will say I’m the adult and I shouldnt feel like this but I’m a person as well and I can only take so much.

I know I’m not perfect and I shout and lose my temper. Sometimes I give in because I just want peace. I’m not proud of it. I just feel like I’ve reached the point where I dont know what to do next.

I haven't RTFT but maybe get him into (air/sea) cadets to get him offline, and in an activity that has rigor and discipline. Or even boarding school if you can afford it? That's dramatic and just a plaster over the wound but it would give you a few years' breathing room to reset and work out next steps

To lose your dad as a 7 year old is going to cause some serious psychological scarring. That's been smouldering away internally (even if completely subconsciously), and now it sounds like the teenage hormones have kicked in too. To some extent you're either going to need to pick your battles or just accept that there's going to be some friction.

Who are his real life role models since losing his dad? Is there an uncle or other adult male relative actively involved? Most of the boys who get sucked into the manosphere shit online end up there because of lack of real male role models in their lives.

Sounds tough OP. It sounds a bit like my son although he isn’t that extreme as he is older and I can withdraw from him.

some of the characteristics sound like intrusive thoughts OCD which is an anxiety disorder. My son then has a PDA reaction to very minor triggers.

Also try step back in your brain and not react personally. It is so so tough but protects my sanity and helps me keep calm.

Also buy some noise cancelling headphones! Then he can storm and shout and yell and you will better be able to ignore it/ won’t be as quick to give in as you won’t hear it

That was a very high risk strategy that could have resulted in you being badly hurt or with a criminal record!

This is absolutely dreadful advice. The very last thing he needs is you modelling violence and destruction as acceptable ways to handle conflict!

This is terrible terrible advice. A teenager is likely to double down on this and react even more badly as they perceive the adult
to be abandoning them. Op, don’t do this.

Is it? And if its something that puts the op in danger? And things escalate?
You're all writing as though this is some 7 year old that the op is failing to discipline!!!
He is in all likelihood bigger and stronger than her.

Maybe in your eyes it’s not a threat - but a teenage brain is likely to interpret it as EXACTLY that.

Please talk to your GP. The advice here in parts is awful.

Lots of other people were around. And he didn't call the police. People were a lot more sensible back then. And even if he did, once they heard the sexual things he was saying to me - in front of everyone, for hours! - they'd probably tell him he deserved it. And you'd hardly have got a criminal record for an open-handed slap. Well, not back then, anyway. It was 35 years ago. Different world.

How so, when I said to talk lovingly and kindly to him and for her to say she just wants him to be happy?

If posters can't read and comprehend the parts where I said to talk to him lovingly and calmly with lots of concern and put the decision entirely in his hands because OP just wants him to be happy, then I don't know what to say.

Nightmare.

• whatever happens, I find it hard to imagine a parent saying they "hate" their child. But I suppose this does happen.
• you need more help bringing him up (adolescence is the toughest time for you and him).
• I won't be popular but he needs a father figure, or something like it. This is by no means your fault and people don't want to hear it, but dads & mums interact differently with sons (in a very stereotypical way) whether we are comfortable with that fact or not
• a stepdad wouldn't be the same as a real father and would have its own tensions. Like I say, not your fault - you've been dumped in it by life and you see lots of other people claiming to be"living their best life" online
• I think he needs good male role models. There aren't many of those about, partly because society keeps telling young men that they're toxic the whole time (which really doesn't help). If there's any sort of male "hero" society does its best to undermine them completely. Boys are looking for a role, so they end up looking to each other, and to ridiculous gangster culture (or unhelpful characters like Andrew Tate). It's incredibly difficult for boys to find a good path in this world (for girls too, except they're being encouraged far more, in truth) because boys & girls are different and will be fulfilled by slightly different lives. The fact that many people don't understand this is part of the problem.
• he may also need a better group of male friends, bluntly.
• I note that your stated concern is what he thinks of girls. What matters is how he sees people (not just half of them) and how he's going to fit into the world happily and find a positive life - society is not giving him a pathway to do this, and living solely for women's needs is not going to motivate him any more than the opposite would enthuse a young girl.

Has he had counselling? Try and find a private therapist as the NHS wait would no doubt be long. What about wider family? Dads family? I’m very surprised school aren’t offering any sort of help. Here we have parent courses, a parent worker and school and home work closely together. Your son needs to find a hobby/something to channel his energy. Any youth clubs? Drama clubs? Again here we have both. Get yourself therapy too maybe NHS online talking therapy for a start. Things are going to escalate pretty quickly, I know you say you are trying but you are going to have to try even harder. Go to the school tell them exactly what you’ve said here.

Ii was widowed 18 months ago and have 2 DS, now 14 and 12. The eldests behaviour deteriorated rapidly and he wpuld often be very unpleasant to me and his brother. Shout at a lot of things, especially if it involved removing screen access. Like your DS he could often get round it. He actually managed to take over our Internet and change the password.
I self referred to Early Help as I waa at a total loss. They have been supportive. They have helped liaise with school, supported access to parenting workshops and signposted to wider support.
I also found a local mentoring charity who work with boys without male role models linking them in with a male mentor. This seems to have helped.
Child Bereavement UK also have a lot of support available even if you just gave them a call and told them what has been going on they will be able to advise.
Dealing with all this alone is a lot and its not as easy as taking away phines/Internet as some people suggest. It takes a huge amount of emotional energy every single day. I really hope you get some support. Take care

Dear OP. I haven't read the full thread so I don't know what others have suggested. I am also parent to two difficult teens, actually worse than you've described, but it's not a competition and I'm not seeking to minimise what you're going through at all. Just want you to know I understand the hell you're going through. I would actually self refer to children's services. It will take a while, they won't jump in with great help immediately, but over time as they get to know you as a family they will suggest things to try to help you. I would also recommend having a really frank conversation with the head, or head of year, and /or behavioural team at school. I can't say what help you will get, but you must reach out. It might be a little bit of a rollercoaster but you are at your wit's end and you need help, so you must ask for help. My children are very different but one of them has been offered a lot of pastoral help at school. The other one, who is worse, children's services see on a regular basis and are constantly seeking ways to engage him. The way you are feeling right now, you have nothing to lose. Please keep us updated with how you are, and I wish you all the luck in the world. Life will turn a corner.

Wow Op alot to deal with for you.
Nothibg worse than a nasty teen
My advice is to ask of through school is there any helo available for his anger and help him keep his cool.
A youth service?
It is deemed normal for them to last out at those closest to us but those comments need to stop.
I would pack up the xbox and send it away.
Call the police of he gets jn yoir fsce abd threatens you..how tough will he been then?
Any family who can take him for time out?
I couldnt bare it..nothing wrong for wanting to say you bate what you go home too...i would as well.
Perhaps ring some social service and get some intervention before he over steps to much.
A teen needs more than a mum..do they have a buddy programme available?
Never stay and take on to much of his anger...walk out and leave..whatever he says seems like the kid needs sewn to before you end up in a state yourself.

I disagree . I think all boys need strong male role models .

Get him to watch Louis Theroux’s Manosphere with you if you can. Is there a male in the family who can step up? If he’s being influenced by all of that bullshit then a man is what he needs to help him refocus. It’s him looking for a male identity. Unfortunately he’s looking the wrong way. He’s young enough to change. You can do this. Deep down he’s craving acceptance and validation. He’s so lost.x

OP - You need to contact your local Early Help team rather than going through the school.

Tell them that you are worried about his online activities and that he may be getting involved with the incel community and following people like Andrew Tate, etc.

This will get them to listen as it will be on their radar.

Tell them about the traumatic experience with losing his dad, that you are a single mum, and that things are spiraling and you haven't had support.

Here is some general info about Early Help and what it is - you need to find your local team and give them a call.

This is where the school would refer you anyway so you are just cutting out the middle man by going direct to them.

learning.nspcc.org.uk/safeguarding-child-protection/early-help-and-early-intervention

I don't disagree.

I also think OP just needs to try whatever she has to hand - and should not feel bad if her DS responds better to a male relative. Every child has their own issues, and losing a father figure can be a complicated one.

But I don't disagree with you that in many circumstances a woman on the job is just what is needed!

This. Some sort of boys mentorship program or activity where he can learn discipline and self regulation.

he desperately needs positive male role models because he is clearly seeking them out.

he also needs alternate authority figures and other adults in his life who he knows care about him. Sometimes especially in teens years it’s easier for them to connect or discuss with other safe adults.

does he have any ?

I know it's hard, but you have to follow through with consequences now, before he is bigger, older and stronger.

He follows you around shouting in your face.

"Stop behaving abusively towards me or I will call the police". And if he doesn't stop, do it.

Have you tried talking to him when calm? Telling him how much you love him, then talking about how he behaves when he is upset?

It sounds like he was sad and lonely, then found power, respect and friends through acting out and doesn't know how to get his needs met any other way.

Maybe a fresh start at a new school?

That's quite OK! I agree entirely with your post and am pleased you brought my attention to it. This is wise advice and I like the way you actually gave wording and specific actions, which is a vast improvement on my much vague post.