I HATE my son I can’t do this anymore

[rambleberry]

I honestly dont even know why I’m posting. I just feel like I cant do this anymore.

He’s 13, turned 13 three weeks ago. I know he’s a child and I know how bad this sounds but I hate him. I hate saying that about my own child but I am at the end of my tether and nobody seems to listen when I say how bad things have got.

His dad died when he was 7 and I’ve brought him up on my own since then. I know he’s had a lot to deal with but I cant keep excusing everything because of that. I dont know what else I’m supposed to do.

This morning school sent him home because he was sick. He’s been sick again since he’s been home but he went to sleep for a bit and seems fine now. He asked if he could go out tonight and I said no because he’s been ill and I dont want him going out and then being sick again somewhere. That was it. Apparently I’m picking on him because he’s been ill, I’m always ruining everything and I never let him do anything. He started shouting at me and calling me names. I said I wasnt arguing about it and he got even worse.

He’s shoved past me to get out of the room and shouted that he hopes I die. Just screamed it at me. I honestly dont even know what to say to that anymore. I told him to get away from me and he carried on shouting. Now he’s in his room and I’m downstairs trying to calm down and he’s probably forgotten all about it already.

This is what its like here all the time. I can ask him to do something completely normal and it turns into a massive argument. He calls me a stupid bitch, pathetic, thick, says nobody respects me and that I’m a shit mum. If I get upset he says I’m being dramatic. If I shout back then apparently I’m the one with the problem. He knows exactly what to say to hurt me and sometimes I honestly think he does it on purpose.

I know I let him get away with things. I tell him the xbox is going off and he argues for ages, swearing and following me around the house, and sometimes I just give up and let him carry on because I havent got the energy for another row. Same with his phone. I’ve taken it off him because of things I’ve found on there and then ended up giving it back because I just cant cope with hours of shouting. I know people will say I’m making a rod for my own back and maybe I am but I’m so tired. I cant spend every evening fighting with a 13 year old.

The stuff he says online worries me as well. I’ve seen messages where he’s making really nasty comments about girls at school, mocking their looks and saying things about women being good for one thing. He’s watching these men online who talk about women like they’re worthless and repeating what they say. When I challenge him he tells me I know nothing and girls are just as bad. He doesnt seem to see anything wrong with it. I’ve tried putting restrictions on his phone but he gets round them and then I’m back to another argument.

I have tried asking for help and I honestly feel like I’m talking to a brick wall. He seems to have no limit to how nasty he can be when he’s angry. He’ll say the most horrible thing imaginable and then carry on as if nothing happened. I dont know how I’m supposed to keep dealing with this on my own.

I’ve even thought about ringing social services and saying I dont want him anymore. I havent done it but the thought has crossed my mind more than once. Just saying I cant have him here, I cant do this anymore, someone else needs to take over because I’m done. Then I feel disgusting for even thinking it because he’s my child and he’s only 13. But I genuinely dont know how much longer I can keep living like this. I dont want to abandon him but I also dont know how to help him when nobody seems willing to help us.

I hate what our relationship has become. I dread him coming home sometimes. When he’s out I feel relieved and then feel guilty for feeling relieved. I dont even want to speak to him after what he’s just said to me. I know people will say I’m the adult and I shouldnt feel like this but I’m a person as well and I can only take so much.

I know I’m not perfect and I shout and lose my temper. Sometimes I give in because I just want peace. I’m not proud of it. I just feel like I’ve reached the point where I dont know what to do next.

Most teens go through this to some extent sounds like your son is more extreme.

Read, How to talk so teens will listen and listen so teens will talk.

It was definitely helpful when I was raising my difficult DD. I never thought we would have a good relationship again but at 19, we are very close.

Some children seem to have a more extreme reaction to pushing boundaries. My DD seems to have all the traits of ADHD and is more prone to risk taking.

Teens will definitely find what annoys you and play on your worst fears. It is Nature's way of breaking the bond between parent abd child so you allow them to grow and leave the nest.

what a naive post…
I’m not in OPs situation, but I’m sure there were some eye rolls when she read it. I’d not appreciate the laughing emoji either. Doesn’t sound like a situation to make a joke suggestion .

Going through the school will help tie it together, but ask to speak to their DSL and ask them for Family Help (previously known as Early Help). They can do an assessment and will signpost or refer to suitable support. It might be: https://idas.org.uk or a Family Help support worker.
Make sure to disclosure his online harmful behaviour. That could be a Prevent referral, especially as he is being aggressive in the home as a result.
If you’re struggling to find the energy and headspace for any referrals, AI is a great tool for this. No shame.

As a social worker, please OP don't do this!! Social work are there to provide support and prevent it getting to the point of children being removed (it would have to be really significant circumstances for this to happen - children aren't just 'taken away'). when parents say things like this it means kids are scared of us before we even get a chance to build a relationship with them 😔 it's like scaring little kids about the police but then also expecting them to go to them in an emergency.

Op please contact social work, given his loss, what he is viewing online and escalating behaviour at school I would hope some early help work could be done to support his relationship with you.

Did the boys receive counselling after their dad died? Your DS clearly needs it, as do you by the sound of things. Do you have any family support whatsoever or are you totally alone? Boys need positive male role models. This could be a relative, teacher, sports coach… It doesn’t matter but they need a fellow male to look up to. Boys without this are at higher risk of suicide and being involved in violent crimes.

He also needs boundaries. I completely understand why you give in and let him have the Xbox to avoid more arguments but he actually needs you to be firm and tell him when he’s being out of order. He’s treating you like dirt now, one day this will be another female and I’m certain you don’t want this. I know he gets a bad rap on here but Jordan Peterson said something to the effect of making sure you like your children because if you don’t like being around them, others won’t either. You need to basically parent them so they don’t turn into arseholes.

When he’s being a dick, unplug and remove the Xbox. Incentivise with things like the MCR concert which, by the way, he is not too young for. My DS also got into bands like this at 12 and we started going to Slam Dunk together. It’s the right age if anything. You need to get back on at the school and go in depth into his behaviour at home. He needs to get involved with some sort of extracurricular activities to burn off some steam and get him off screens. He also needs counselling, you all do.

Have a look at serve and return as well.

Google is only showing me resources for little kids, but research shows it's just as powerful in teenage years.

The theory is that anything he says and does is communication and that responding to that can build brain pathways to teach coping skills and resilience, whereas not responding can lead to repeating and escalating maladaptive behaviours.

So when he kicks off, as a pp says, hard as it is try see it as not personal. When safe (I think you said he seems fine, like it never happened soon after). Try going to him and saying something like you seemed upset earlier. How are you feeling now? Acknowledging and naming the feelings as a first step to him being able to acknowledge and deal with them better.

First attempt you might not get far, but the aim is for him to acknowledge he was upset. Tell you how he feels now so you can then ask what support he needs if still unsettled. Then move on to asking what would help next time he feels those big emotions to help him deal with them without losing it.

100% agree

Also do you have a befriend a child type charity in your area? Being matched with a male volunteer could be really beneficial for him

This organisation is Scottish-based and I’m
not sure where you are but I’m sure if you reached out to them they’d point you to similar resources in your area. They work with parents, carers etc whose children are being drawn into things like misogyny and incel culture. I know the CEO, he’s a former colleague and they’re really passionate about what they do: https://www.thepreventioncollective.co.uk/

Dont take the Xbox and phone away. Smash them and throw them into the bin. Take all of his privileges away until he learns the meaning of respect.

It sounds like a very difficult situation for you and both your sons.

You need to accept that help and support is limited if you keep asking school. There is budget for nothing. Pastoral staff have an increasing shocking lack of time for their role and many students in their care. Schools should be supported by parenting not parenting supported by schools. You have been asking since Year 7 and no help as been offered so you need to explore what else is out there.

You are his parent. I know this may not be helpful to hear but you need to find the modivation to turn this around. It is on you - no service or person will care or love him as much as you do, under it all. Think about 3 years down the line - how this could go if nothing changes. Not leaning on another service - they will support you hopefully in addressing this, but you are the lead in this.

Several people have asked and I am sorry if I have missed it in your reply - do you have any support? Not a male role model but a circle beyond you and your other son? Do they have grandparents, aunts, uncles, family friends in their life? You need to think of who you can bring in to make their circle wider. Even in the sense of making him accountable for his behaviour.

He also needs a positive male role model. You have been clear he does not have one so this is a massive gap you need to full - I really think it would make the biggest difference. I work in a school and this can be the biggest gap for some teenage boys. They need a human not social media shaping the man they are becoming. So reach out to charities mentioned in the thread, or is there a neighbour, a friends partner, anyone in your wider circle that could become an influence? Someone to takee him for a drive or maybe to play a sport or maybe someone he could go and help with cutting the grass or something small to start to build a relationship? Rather than say there is no-one - think hard and be proactive to find someone. I really think this will make a difference.

Also reach out to social services and see what support they can offer you. I wonder if it would be useful to speak to the non-emergency police and see what advice they would offer too?

Have you been to a GP - both yourself and with him?

He hasn't got the maturity for a phone. Get rid and reconsider in a couple of years.

We had this. My DS was awful at that age, and I was in despair. He lost his dad when he was 4. I remarried when he was 11 so he had that to adjust to as well... but the level of behaviour was just awful and abusive. He's 15 now, nearly 16... and turning into a decent young man. There is hope. Hang in there.

What helped:

Getting the school on side. In our case, he needed an EHCP and school was overwhelming. I pushed for this and got it.

Early Help - our early help person was a godsend.
He kept disappearing late at night, so we installed a secret tracker on his phone. I told him I would call the police and I followed through when I saw he'd gone out of London (where we live). Surrey Police were also a godsend - they went and got him from Box Hill late at night and put him on the train home, and gave him a talking to.
Strong Internet controls.
Focus on filling your own cup so you are able to keep as calm as possible. Which is so difficult, I've been where you are and we're only human.
Keep the connection going - see if you can engage in some trivial chat sometimes even if only exchanging a few words. Don't make it heavy, just keep it normal.
As he matures, start thinking about his goals. What does he like? Can he get into any sports or a hobby?

Good luck, OP.

Misogyny

To prevent it , yes .

You can self refer to early help which is a step down from socail services, but like socail care in reality. I have found them a mixed bag. But they have been helpful. If they dont help then they should be able to get you more help from another service.

Does your school have a home link worker?

You need some sort of family therapy. You both need to be receiving help together.

I am sorry you are hoing through this. I wotk with families and have seen this time and time again and its horrible to witness, let alone live with this.
A two prong approach is needed I think. One is things that you can implement and the second is getting support.

Im staring the obvious abd echoing what others gave said but the WiFi and phone are the biggest problems as they are letting him into an inappropriate world of toxic masculinity and normalising it.

One family I know got rid of the WiFi for a time. It meant the whole family had to ho cold turkey and it did cause inconvenience but they wanted to try and turn things round. I think they said they couldn't afford it anymore. That was extreme.
Another family took the x box away and kept it in the boot of the car for months. The lad created merry hell for a week but they took the ciew they were suffering anyway and he had to go cold turkey.
I know it is extremely difficult and frightening when you are by your self op, you cant do this alone. He is 13 and will get much,much worse without intervention.

Ring up social services and ask for children's services. Tell them you want a referral for support. Explain that he is being radicalised against women. Many authorities have an edge of care unit or support services dedicated to help. I know your son is not at that stage but it is an intervention plan to stop them getting to that place.
Do this today. Its just a phone call to get started.

People who are saying just take the phone from him, he should be in bed etc clearly have absolutely no idea what op is going through.

Some 13 year old lads have started to get big and powerful, at 13 both my boys were same size as me , a year later they were much taller and more stronger. Fortunately for me I didnt have any problems but for op she could be in significant danger if he continues with his current mindset, especially with his view towards women.

With t he right support things can turn around, Eppingisfun has shown you a good example of a positive outcome.

Good luck op.

It’s one thing to hate his behaviour or hate the way he makes you feel, but hating him is likely something he picks up on. Many of us have rough or rougher teen years with DC. You’ll get through it and it’s your job to find a way or make one.

I also have a nearly 13 and 14 year old, also by myself from the age of 7 and 8 as their father was abusive so there's a no contact order in place. I totally agree its flipping hard. I some times get myself tied up in knots trying to parent them!!!
Personally what i try to do is not sweat the little stuff and only really pick them up on things that really matter.

My son who is in year 8 has loads and loads of detentions mainly for very very mild things, eg forgetting a pen or being 1 min late. I let a lot of that go, if it was shouting in someone's face or bullying a child i would not let it go!!
I think at that age you have to choose your battles or you become over whelmed!
I think your child has lost respect for you, but does not mean it can't get better.
I would be conserned about whats on his phone though and would take a hard stance on it!!

He will only get worse if he has access to the awful rubbish online that he obviously believes.
Also the comments about girls is awful. I would change the Internet password and dont give it to him. Dont top up his phone . Dont give him money.
No treats perks or anything thats rewarding until his behaviour improves.
If he becomes aggressive call the police. A shock from them may help. They will only ever talk to him at this point.
Or ask social services for help if you have not already.
You are not a bad mum or any of the awful things he is saying. He will hopefully realise all this when he gets older. And not get worse

Sounds like his self esteem is on the floor and he’s using his ability to upset you to feel powerful in a time when he feels powerless. Similar to the stuff he’s seeing online which uses domination and humiliation of women to give power to men who feel weak and powerless in wider male hierarchy.

Therapy for sure but he also needs something that will give him self esteem and a feeling of influence. What that might be depends on him - Cadets, boxing, a new school. Maybe not boxing if you’re worried about violence.

This kind of behaviour is unfortunately common in children who are either ND or have had trauma in early childhood. Sometimes both. Given that he lost his father at 7 and the problems started there, then it's a fair bet that that's at the root of his behaviour, coupled with unlimited access to the wrong influences which so many teenage boys are susceptible to.

Has he ever received counselling? Have you had any involvement from CAMHS?

It sounds like he might be struggling socially - does he have friends now? I also think he is struggling with the absence of his dad, and taking it out on you? It is not too late to start grief counselling - grief shows up in many ways and at different stages.

No men are the cause of it.