I HATE my son I can’t do this anymore

[rambleberry]

I honestly dont even know why I’m posting. I just feel like I cant do this anymore.

He’s 13, turned 13 three weeks ago. I know he’s a child and I know how bad this sounds but I hate him. I hate saying that about my own child but I am at the end of my tether and nobody seems to listen when I say how bad things have got.

His dad died when he was 7 and I’ve brought him up on my own since then. I know he’s had a lot to deal with but I cant keep excusing everything because of that. I dont know what else I’m supposed to do.

This morning school sent him home because he was sick. He’s been sick again since he’s been home but he went to sleep for a bit and seems fine now. He asked if he could go out tonight and I said no because he’s been ill and I dont want him going out and then being sick again somewhere. That was it. Apparently I’m picking on him because he’s been ill, I’m always ruining everything and I never let him do anything. He started shouting at me and calling me names. I said I wasnt arguing about it and he got even worse.

He’s shoved past me to get out of the room and shouted that he hopes I die. Just screamed it at me. I honestly dont even know what to say to that anymore. I told him to get away from me and he carried on shouting. Now he’s in his room and I’m downstairs trying to calm down and he’s probably forgotten all about it already.

This is what its like here all the time. I can ask him to do something completely normal and it turns into a massive argument. He calls me a stupid bitch, pathetic, thick, says nobody respects me and that I’m a shit mum. If I get upset he says I’m being dramatic. If I shout back then apparently I’m the one with the problem. He knows exactly what to say to hurt me and sometimes I honestly think he does it on purpose.

I know I let him get away with things. I tell him the xbox is going off and he argues for ages, swearing and following me around the house, and sometimes I just give up and let him carry on because I havent got the energy for another row. Same with his phone. I’ve taken it off him because of things I’ve found on there and then ended up giving it back because I just cant cope with hours of shouting. I know people will say I’m making a rod for my own back and maybe I am but I’m so tired. I cant spend every evening fighting with a 13 year old.

The stuff he says online worries me as well. I’ve seen messages where he’s making really nasty comments about girls at school, mocking their looks and saying things about women being good for one thing. He’s watching these men online who talk about women like they’re worthless and repeating what they say. When I challenge him he tells me I know nothing and girls are just as bad. He doesnt seem to see anything wrong with it. I’ve tried putting restrictions on his phone but he gets round them and then I’m back to another argument.

I have tried asking for help and I honestly feel like I’m talking to a brick wall. He seems to have no limit to how nasty he can be when he’s angry. He’ll say the most horrible thing imaginable and then carry on as if nothing happened. I dont know how I’m supposed to keep dealing with this on my own.

I’ve even thought about ringing social services and saying I dont want him anymore. I havent done it but the thought has crossed my mind more than once. Just saying I cant have him here, I cant do this anymore, someone else needs to take over because I’m done. Then I feel disgusting for even thinking it because he’s my child and he’s only 13. But I genuinely dont know how much longer I can keep living like this. I dont want to abandon him but I also dont know how to help him when nobody seems willing to help us.

I hate what our relationship has become. I dread him coming home sometimes. When he’s out I feel relieved and then feel guilty for feeling relieved. I dont even want to speak to him after what he’s just said to me. I know people will say I’m the adult and I shouldnt feel like this but I’m a person as well and I can only take so much.

I know I’m not perfect and I shout and lose my temper. Sometimes I give in because I just want peace. I’m not proud of it. I just feel like I’ve reached the point where I dont know what to do next.

Oh and try n talk to him, not face to face but side by side like in the car or on a walk or in some situations where his hands are doing stuff..

I think a key here is outside interests. Maybe not a team sport if he feels awkward, but what about boxing, sailing, climbing, riding etc. Or alternatively something arty like a drama group - this was amazing for my awkward teen.
I do understand OP, also being widowed young but with DDs in my case. It is a tough time. I have to say counselling and therapy was useless for my DDs, it often is. What helped was getting out of themselves. Pets can also help if that's an option. Though he would need to commit to being responsible, and in a few years it would all be over to you. As a young widow though getting a dog has been the best thing I've done. It calms the household down, connects everyone, brings in humour and cuddles, and of course gets you out in nature and on walks.

He needs to be offline. Personally? I would give him one last warning, the come to Jesus talk. Next incident with the phone, I'd take it and I'd smash it. No more phone. Xbox? Same thing, last warning, if it happens again, it meets the hammer. If this is the kind of behaviour that results from him having it, he's not getting it back. Carry on? I'd be smacking some respect
into his arse.

Fuck that for a game of soldiers. He thinks he can talk to you like shit because you're a woman and face no consequences, I'd show him fucking consequences. All tech and privileges would be history and his life would become very inconvenient until he learns that mum is actually the opposite of worthless.

It would be useful here for you to set out who you’ve asked for help and what they have said or done in response and where matters stand with them so that people can say what else you could be doing or what you need to push for.

I haven't read through the posts so sorry if this is repeating, but what about finding him a very strong male role model who he respected and put him in his place? Like get him into boxing or some sort of martial arts. Maybe if it comes from you it won't work, so can you plant seeds somehow? He's clearly a very angry, insecure boy who's being influenced by the wrong people, and currently your words don't seem to land so can you find someone that can teach him?

I was just thinking....if someone cut me off from the internet, I would feel a bit cut adrift. I wonder if a better approach would be to work with him to use it in a healthier way. There must surely be a part of him that knows it's not OK to be so horrible to girls and women and his mum. Explain to him that the things he's doing are put out there by bad people who want clicks because it earns them money. PREVENT should work with you on this. Cutting off the internet completely causes withdrawal symptoms and doesn't teach him how to let it work for him, instead of dominating him. The internet is full of bad stuff, as well as being extremely useful and life-enhancing if you use it in the right way, but all of us - especially children - need to be vigilant against its potential to influence our thinking. Put it to him that way - maybe he hasn't ever considered that it takes skills to use the internet well, and to squeeze the good out of it while protecting yourself from the bad.

I really feel for you, OP. This sounds immensely difficult.

And what if he attacks her? Even at 13, a boy can do a lot of damage to a woman, especially if he catches her off guard.

Had this with my son and it came from him spending most of his time talking to gamer mates on line. Like you, as soon as I disabled the wifi he would find a way around it. His father bought his phone and said that I had no right to remove it it, so no support from him.....you get the picture.

Told this before on mn. One night (at the start of lockdown) he lost his shit at me and screamed in my face to fuck off. Can't remember what it was about but given that this was someone who would rant for up to half an hour about how he hadnt got time to drop his rubbish in the bin on his way out, could have been anything. I slapped his face. Not my finest moment, but actually the best thing I could have done as it turned out.

His online mates encouraged him to call the police to get me arrested for assault/child abuse. Long story short, he was given the biggest bollocking of his life from the police and told that he was lucky not to be arrested for wasting their time. They reported us to SS because there was a violent incident in the home, as they should and I support that rule. SS decided I wasnt the problem, that DS needed support so he should attend school (again, this was during lockdown when only certain kids were in) and have weekly meetings with the SW, year head and head of pastoral care. He was fucking FUMING that he had to do this, but knew he had brought it on himself and if he didnt cooperate it would only get worse.

He is 21 next week, at uni and called me twice tonight, once just for a chat and once to scrounge! Out of my six, he was definitely the worst by his own word, and that of his siblings. But he came back eventually.

He'd just destroy OP 's property in return and feel himself entirely justified.

Yeah, that is what DS would have done at his worst. I smash his phone? He would smash mine.

It sounds to me like he’s really struggling.

People don’t really want to be negative and angry constantly. They don’t want to have friendship issues and flunk school. It doesn’t sound like he’s winning anything other than potentially a little attention. It sounds exhausting for everyone.

I think his defences have kicked in and he’s rebelling against the pain he’s feeling. And he’s misdirecting a lot of that to you, his safe person. Whether that’s due to him losing his dad or potentially other issues too (could he have experienced abuse anywhere?).

He needs therapy, do you to he’d give it a go?

This is brilliant!

It's not quite the same, but when I was a fresher, this horribly boy was bullying me relentlessly. I ended up slapping him in the face. He folded like a cheap table and I never had a second's trouble with him again. I'm not condoning violence, but I was surprised how well it worked.

All of this.

She can put away all of her precious things ahead of the clampdown.

Get a small fire safe and put it in the boot of her car if she doesn't think the house is safe.

If he destroys anything of hers, or makes threats as a means of getting wifi or his phone or xbox, etc, back, she can call the police.

That's what the police are for.

I think maybe early intervention like referral to prevent. They deal with children being radicalised and may be able to offer some help

So firstly don't feel bad for being upset and for what you're experiencing. Yes you're an adult and you're right you're a human being and a mum. Just the fact that you're so upset about your son's behaviour shows how much you love him. I agree with other posters, turn off the WiFi because it sounds like he's being influenced in a horrible way online. Talk to the school about what support they can provide. Are there any healthy relationship talks etc at school for your son's year group? Get some support around you. Talk to some other local mums with boys the same age. Get family involved if possible. Unfortunately the last person most teenage boys listen to is mum. Do you have any male relatives that can spend time with him, talk to him and try and undo some of the toxic online influences? And just remember this will not last forever. And also put some self care in place for yourself. Also, I know this is difficult but I would go tough love and have a zero tolerance policy on his behaviour and language towards you. Whenever he does it put sanctions in place immediately. If he follows you around the house because he knows that's worked in the past, then go out for a walk, call a friend over, go and do some shopping. Just don't give in to him! 💛

You've had some great advice, but i haven't read them all so im sorry if im repeating anything. You say he's getting round the parental locks, then swap his smartphone for a dumbphone so that he can't access the Internet and put the parental locks on the home WiFi. Can you get him involved with something like the Cadets? If budget allows, could you manage an adventure holiday, just the two of you? No smartphone or Internet, just hard graft during the day doing things like bushcraft or survival with a fun group with women and men who are real men, not manosphere https://www.buyagift.co.uk/hp/special-forces-survival-foundation-course-for-one/118103189?cm_mmc=google--BAG-PMax-Tier2---_-&mkwid=dm&pcrid=&pkw=&pmt=&pg=118103189&slid=&pgrid=&cpgnid=23765279929&ptaid=&SIDIM=&maas=maas_adg_api_8613277860102_macro_1_4&ref=aa_maas&aa_campaignid=23765279929&aa_adgroupid=&aa_creativeid=ad-_ptaid-_dev-m_ext-_slid-&gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=23755326864&gbraid=0AAAAADtQpamMjEiiBrJfu19JVL2C-L4EM&gclid=CjwKCAjwrbfWBhAeEiwAc2e6Pp_sWFc1O7ixfd5LEOIpZP_SbZOPPFyk1rd0sPWzw8SIFuirMmq8phoCAocQAvD_BwE

Coram Family Lives: Provides targeted early intervention and crisis support for families under pressure. They offer free online parenting courses, advice articles specifically targeting defiant teenagers and teen violence at home, and a confidential national helpline and WhatsApp support line at 07441 444125.

YoungMinds: The UK’s leading charity fighting for children and young people's mental health. They provide dedicated support for parents navigating extreme behavior driven by underlying mental health struggles, offering a specialized Parents Helpline (0808 802 5544) and webchat for tailored guidance.

Barnardo's: Offers extensive localized family support services. They specialize in early intervention and host structured parenting programmes designed to help parents safely manage destructive behaviors, substance misuse issues, and adolescent mental health emergencies.

You need help and support for you. I hope one of the charities above can help.

Teen's brains change, they push us away. Talking teens & Who's in Charge are parenting groups that run in my area by the council early help team. Reach out, you'll find you're not alone. Re the misogynistic content that is concerning, he could be mid exploitation. School and/or police could be spoken to. That sounds a bit of a jump but the 'manosphere' content is dark and perpetrators will spot a grieving vulnerable team from a mile off. Good luck. It might be a tough few years but your son is still in there. Give him space, show unconditional love, get support

I can't pretend I understand your position in this, but I actually can, I think, relate to your sons, when I was that age.

I had an extremely turbulent childhood, and honestly? At his age, I began to resent the world for it. I had a lot to mentally and emotionally deal with, that a lot of adults will just never understand how going through this as a child tears you up, turns you upside down and churns you before you've even had chance to learn coping skills. Many adults would struggle to have the coping skills, to be frank. So, cut him a break.

By that I don't mean allow unacceptable behaviour. I completely understand why you're feeling the way you are, you are on the receiving end of abuse, day after day. When you allow yourself to think and verbalise that you hate him - that's when I mean, cut the KID a break.

Secondly, be completely truthful with yourself about your behaviour. Do you lose it? Do you shout, do you scream, does your facial expressions let him see how you really feel about him? Really think about it and be honest with yourself. Does he look at you and see disdain, or contempt for him, during his outrages? Do you think he can sense you dread him coming home, your exasperation before anythings really started up?

Understandable for you, yes, but for him, he's a child, supposed to be unconditionally loved, and is clearly struggling, monumentally.

You have to be the one to lead by example. You have to keep calm, and you've already recognised your first major parenting failure - not adhering to boundaries. Of course he's going to keep at this for hours or days. You've taught him the exact point of it. More so, it's a shock to the system when you know people give in to you, and suddenly, it looks like they won't. There'll be panic, and an almighty fight against it. But like you said yourself, you're not doing it.

When parents see their teenage child struggling emotionally and mentally, they have an instinctual tendency to probe more, attempt to get more involved, have more conversations. That's natural - they're concerned. But often times, what teenagers going through something do need is a little space.

What I needed, and as a thirty-something adult, I will absolutely maintain, was space. Space from conversations. Space from demands. Space from expectations of how I should be handling it, or that I wasn't mentally handling it well. Space from being made to feel I was a disappointment, for something I didn't understand, or felt I couldn't even control, myself. I don't mean being allowed space to do whatever I wanted, and behave however I wanted. But I really needed understanding. I was angry. I didn't understand why I was so angry, and why it was eating me alive. I was pushed into therapy, and it made me resent those around me more. I really needed some space and peace to figure it out for myself without constant expectations and input. Many parents see their teens isolate themselves, or isolate from their parents during very difficult times, panic, and push and push harder. I didn't want to be taken out for meals, I didn't want to spend time with them at that time, I didn't want to be made to talk about it at therapy before I was ready. Honestly? I just wanted to be left the fuck alone to sort my head out and deal with it.

In no way am I saying allow him access to anything he wants, to behave however he wants. I'm simply offering the other side from someone who remembered it well. I wanted peace, to myself, and just left be for a little while.

I think boxing and martial arts is a very bad idea

Imo this is the completely wrong way to go about it.

Why? He can get his anger out in a controlled environment, learn some discipline, work with positive male role models, get out of the house doing something positive, feel good about himself by achieving something, burn off energy in a positive way and hopefully learn to respect his body and and want more from life.

This is difficult but you have allowed this to happen. You NEEED to restrict his access to the internet now. He is a child. You can control what he has access to in your home and on devices you give him access to. Of course kids are gonna see shit that we don’t want them to, with friends or whatever.
Don’t fight back when he’s arguing and being abusive. It’s really difficult but you need to stay calm but set firm boundaries. Spend lots of time with him doing things he enjoys and speak calmly with him about the bull shit he’s being exposed to online. Give him the facts and stats about VAWG. This is your responsibility. You can get your relationship back on track. He needs lots of positive attention and educating on sexism and the importance of feminism. Alert his friends parents as well if you know them. Speak to the school and do not give him any unsupervised internet access.