I HATE my son I can’t do this anymore

[rambleberry]

I honestly dont even know why I’m posting. I just feel like I cant do this anymore.

He’s 13, turned 13 three weeks ago. I know he’s a child and I know how bad this sounds but I hate him. I hate saying that about my own child but I am at the end of my tether and nobody seems to listen when I say how bad things have got.

His dad died when he was 7 and I’ve brought him up on my own since then. I know he’s had a lot to deal with but I cant keep excusing everything because of that. I dont know what else I’m supposed to do.

This morning school sent him home because he was sick. He’s been sick again since he’s been home but he went to sleep for a bit and seems fine now. He asked if he could go out tonight and I said no because he’s been ill and I dont want him going out and then being sick again somewhere. That was it. Apparently I’m picking on him because he’s been ill, I’m always ruining everything and I never let him do anything. He started shouting at me and calling me names. I said I wasnt arguing about it and he got even worse.

He’s shoved past me to get out of the room and shouted that he hopes I die. Just screamed it at me. I honestly dont even know what to say to that anymore. I told him to get away from me and he carried on shouting. Now he’s in his room and I’m downstairs trying to calm down and he’s probably forgotten all about it already.

This is what its like here all the time. I can ask him to do something completely normal and it turns into a massive argument. He calls me a stupid bitch, pathetic, thick, says nobody respects me and that I’m a shit mum. If I get upset he says I’m being dramatic. If I shout back then apparently I’m the one with the problem. He knows exactly what to say to hurt me and sometimes I honestly think he does it on purpose.

I know I let him get away with things. I tell him the xbox is going off and he argues for ages, swearing and following me around the house, and sometimes I just give up and let him carry on because I havent got the energy for another row. Same with his phone. I’ve taken it off him because of things I’ve found on there and then ended up giving it back because I just cant cope with hours of shouting. I know people will say I’m making a rod for my own back and maybe I am but I’m so tired. I cant spend every evening fighting with a 13 year old.

The stuff he says online worries me as well. I’ve seen messages where he’s making really nasty comments about girls at school, mocking their looks and saying things about women being good for one thing. He’s watching these men online who talk about women like they’re worthless and repeating what they say. When I challenge him he tells me I know nothing and girls are just as bad. He doesnt seem to see anything wrong with it. I’ve tried putting restrictions on his phone but he gets round them and then I’m back to another argument.

I have tried asking for help and I honestly feel like I’m talking to a brick wall. He seems to have no limit to how nasty he can be when he’s angry. He’ll say the most horrible thing imaginable and then carry on as if nothing happened. I dont know how I’m supposed to keep dealing with this on my own.

I’ve even thought about ringing social services and saying I dont want him anymore. I havent done it but the thought has crossed my mind more than once. Just saying I cant have him here, I cant do this anymore, someone else needs to take over because I’m done. Then I feel disgusting for even thinking it because he’s my child and he’s only 13. But I genuinely dont know how much longer I can keep living like this. I dont want to abandon him but I also dont know how to help him when nobody seems willing to help us.

I hate what our relationship has become. I dread him coming home sometimes. When he’s out I feel relieved and then feel guilty for feeling relieved. I dont even want to speak to him after what he’s just said to me. I know people will say I’m the adult and I shouldnt feel like this but I’m a person as well and I can only take so much.

I know I’m not perfect and I shout and lose my temper. Sometimes I give in because I just want peace. I’m not proud of it. I just feel like I’ve reached the point where I dont know what to do next.

What this kid really does not need is punishment, or ignoring, though.

He is asking, via his behaviour, for boundaries, and help.

I'm sorry I don't know what to suggest, I just want to say that my heart goes out to you and I don't judge you for anything you've said. This sounds incredibly difficult, and you're only human.

Agreed.

I was thinking something like this. Having to do something more than just hand over a phone or Xbox might make it harder for him to wear you down. If you're sure he won't get physical with you just grey rock him. His anger will go through the roof but he will eventually realise that he has to earn privileges. I'd also be thinking about how his phone gets paid for and if there are any negotiations to be had around that. He really can't expect to treat you like poo but still retain privileges. I would also be seriously considering calling the police if he seriously kicks off, a short sharp shock might be what he needs.

This. Please ask for an urgent meeting with the school’s safeguarding lead. They can link you into support.
You need protecting from your son and he needs protecting from the influencers who’re preying on him.

OP, look into doing an NVR (Non-Violent Resistance) course; I did one through CAMHs and it has really helped. It’s about working out ways to diffuse before violent outbursts, staying present with your child through small gestures, and picking your battles. A key thing is also bringing in support from friends, family, teachers. It sounds a bit wanky and it’s not a magic wand but it has really really helped us, our son (14) has pretty much stopped being violent. It feels very counterintuitive at times, but it does work. Our son is autistic so our pathway into it was through CAMHs support he was getting for other issues, and I know their waiting lists are long, but perhaps you could talk to your GP about a referral for the course? Or school? I think it’s really crucial to act, to bring you both back to remembering the things you actually like about each other. Solidarity to you.

Isn't there a programme or an organisation in the UK that helps de-radicalise young men? OP, maybe this would help. He is definitely being radicalised into hate. It may not be the hate of terrorists for the UK, but misogyny is still profound hate and is taken seriously by organisations - and the police. As another poster said, maybe he needs a visit. (A night in jail would be HILARIOUS, although that's probably way too much to hope for!)

So sorry to hear you’re going through this ♥️

Are there any Army Cadet / Boxing type groups you can get him into? Here he will be taught discipline and to respect others.

My husband has taught Army Cadets for the last 10 years & has dealt with many a stroppy teen x

READ! It's not a threat or threatening to kick him out AT ALL. It's the opposite. It's giving HIM the chance to make that decision, because he seems so upset. Of course, us adults know that he couldn't make that decision. He doesn't know that though.

I thought I'd been really clear that this is (apparently) passing the reins to him and letting him know that if he's really so unhappy, he can choose - note, CHOOSE - to leave.

Why can so many people on this site not comprehend what they're reading? It's so annoying when you've been crystal-clear.

OP I feel your anger and pain, I'm also a mother to 4 boys, 2 as a single parent and close together. Its fucking hard work. When you and him have calmed down, please go and talk to him. No raised voices, no anger....talk to him as a young person who is probably struggling with loosing his father, maybe trouble at school and the nightmare of puberty. Ask him, what's troubling him, what he hopes to achieve by being violent and abusive...please keep calm with his answer (also I would add I often get the best response from my boys when there is no eye contact, I'll be putting his clothes away or doing something totally normal). Ask him 'saying those things to me, your mum, how do think it makes me feel' Do you really want me to die, do you really want me to be hurt ?' Ask him 'imagine I said those things to you, how would you feel?' .
This might sound soft parenting but he is obviously hurting...could be about his Dad but it's probably stuff happening at school.
Please don't give up on him...you are all he has , and he is so secure in your love for him he is confident to lash out, because he knows you will always be there for him, he just needs to manage his emotions better. I ended up getting a boxing punching bag for my son, he was so angry and this gave him a release. ❤️

I just want to say how sorry I am for your situation and will pray things get better for you all. I wish I could give you a big hug youve been through so much already. He's incredibly angry at the world (directing it at you mainly) you both need individual and joint counselling sessions as an immediate action, if you've had them before try again, another counselling service etc. Definitely seems to be looking for a male role model in the wrong places unfortunately, assume you've already told him how wrong it is the stuff he's consuming. A school counsellor or pastoral help should be sought as someone needs to really tell him (probs wont listen to you) about how wrong it is why, dont schools teach about this sort of thing these days? Youre dealing with it the best way you can, this too shall pass.

This is the best advice. Everyone screaming punish this poor kid. He's lost a parent! He needs love and support and understanding. Please try and calm all the tension down with him OP and see if you can get closer to him. I think spending time together is needed. Let him know you support him and I've no doubt the behaviour will change.

Turn the wifi off or take his phone. He shouldnt have unrestricted access online. That stuff is really messing people up. I suppose its an addiction, so hes lashing out when its being taken away. Social services wont take him just because you dont want him but they will put you in touch with family support services. Wish you the best.

You absolutely sound at the end of your tether. Have you got any friends/family that can support you?

you need a break so if there is someone that can babysit for a few hours so you can have a break I would do that.

I don’t have much advice on your son but he sounds like a really unhappy boy, maybe lonely and a little vulnerable and he has fall down this misogyny rabbit hole online. Counselling might help & I am sure there will be resources online that will help.

One evening? My DS has similar traits as OP's DS and saying "no" to him means days of full time fight. A full time job.
When I stopped breastfeeding him during the night he hit me and bit me all night long for two weeks, and he wasn't even 2. Some kids are headstrong.
I'm headstrong too, but I have to work to pay the bills and can't spend 10 hours a day fighting.

I can only speak from the bereavement side of things. And this comes from a fellow widow friend whose child hit problems at teenage when their dad had died when they were a young child. A counsellor she saw explained that you think your child has processed their grief but it “ comes back to bite them on the bum when they hit the teenage years” Her child’s behaviours were different to your son’s but equally as worrying and serious.
As you are getting nowhere with help so far try contacting Winston’s Wish https://winstonswish.org
I know several mums who found they helped their children.
There might be local services you could contact, Citizens Advice might have details, or a google search naming your local area.
And support for you. Again try Citizens Advice or a google search of your area.

Totally agree. And many of the suggestions of tough love on here are completely naïve. It would be a struggle to control this kid even with a loving father in the home - and it's just too neat to say he's only this way because he lost his dad.

OP, I really feel for you. I wish I had something truly helpful I could offer you, but honestly I would seek outside help from social services or perhaps via your GP.

I'm so sorry OP. It's criminal the vile stuff thats been unleashed on the Internet.

They're usually very limited, 6 sessions or so, not usually family therapy, huge waiting lists. And you didnt suggest what OP should do if her son doesnt engage?

Do parenting classes and get him into counselling. What you do not is so important so get some help, removing internet now is like throwing petrol on a fire! He need to collaborate with you because if it’s you against him you will lose.

OP, I don't have the answer but my DS is 13 and is similar sometimes. And I have an arsehole of an XH who messes up with DS's head.
I don't have the answers but trust your DS. Talk to him openly, believe that deep down he wants to do the right thing, but he's hurting. And believe that he can understand things, even when he can't act the right way (people who are hurting are arseholes, they really are. Hurt people hurt people)

I really feel for you, this sounds an awful situation for you to be dealing with and I think anyone in your shoes would have similar feelings and thoughts about wanting distance from him. I totally get what you mean about sometimes the behaviour gets worse when something is removed, he has learned that he just needs to up the anti to get what he wants like getting his phone back. You need to remove the phone/console or whatever for a specific time and keep your boundary, this can cause what’s called an extinction burst where something gets worse before it gets better, but he will learn that his responses do not lead to him getting his own way so it will then stop. You could possibly say that if he behaves and treats you with respect that he can earn the phone back after a certain amount of time, this will give some reinforcement for the behaviour you want to see more of (being nice to you) and hopefully make it more likely in the future. Sending strength your way because it really sounds a shitty situation. My 13 year old was awful this time last year so I can totally relate to your post. It has really settled down with me holding my stance with my boundaries. Xxx

I was about to suggest going to PREVENT but I see others have already done so.

The problem with any other referral is that he'll end up on a massive waiting list. I would imagine that PREVENT will move faster (or at least I hope it would).

I can't understand why the school isn't working with you more, considering how terrible his behaviour is there, too. Have you told them that you suspect that he's being influenced by incels online? The school could back you up by also referring him, as well as supporting other referrals.

You are trying to control the right areas. It's very difficult when his endless shouting gets him what he wants. He is influenced by what he sees on the internet.
Stick to your guns. Buy noise cancelling headphones for when he shouts.

Brainstorming ...

Employ a computer wizz to come in and put extremely strict parental controls on your internet. Give S13 only access to basic phone and text - a dumb phone not a smart phone.

If you notice him accessing sites and shaming girls through the computer, give him access to no phone at all.

Encourage your son to develop a few other, outdoor or team interests. Together, or on his own,. You could take up sailing, camping, fishing, water skiing, soccer, scateboarding, off road cycling/BMX. Join angling club together. You know what attracts him. You could camp in a tent somewhere different each fortnight.

Get son interested in cooking. Bake biscuits, pastas, pizzas. Invite family and his nice friends over to cook and eat. Chewing, I have read, calms people's anger so eat apples together.

Walk together. Walk the dog. Send DS out to fetch milk on his bike. Just try to engage positively and energetically out doors more.

Involve school safeguarding with the negative comments to girls. That needs to stop. That is a huge red flag.

Play your son's music in the house, but only music with positive lyrics.

Small thing but take his phone off him, and there’s a book called “lads lads lads” about consent and treating women normally, written by a bloke in language teens understand.. stand firm OP, you’ve got this! I’ve been a TA in school with teens! The insults are phenomenal!