To think that not believing in patriarchy is a deal breaker?

[LemurLederhosen]

I was having a little, semi-lighthearted rant in the kitchen the other day about how long it has taken for me to get the help I need to deal with some really awful perimenopausal symptoms. I’ve been off work for months and despite keeping on and on at my GP, only now have I been referred for a HRT appt. I made the age old comment “if men went through all this they’d have been treated straight away, but that’s patriarchy for you”.

DP then simultaneously eye rolled, exhaled and scoffed the word “patriarchy”. So I asked him why. He told me that clearly I’d been brainwashed by all the rubbish on social media into hating men.

I was shocked. So I said I don’t hate men, patriarchy is damaging to men and women so to eradicate it would make a better world for everyone. What are you on about? He basically implied that it’s all a load of bollocks and that I’m only now going on about it because of social media.

I was genuinely shocked. It was as if he thinks that a load of angry women on social media have invented this concept in the last decade? I reminded him that patriarchy is a deeply ingrained system of oppression and has been around for centuries. I reminded him that I specialised in women’s studies at university (he knows this!) and that my PhD in domestic abuse (he also knows this) wouldn’t have existed in the same way without patriarchy at the helm. I’ve always been passionate about equality (for all I might add) and that not only do I take raising our 2 DDs very seriously, but more so the way we raise our DS to feel free and able to express his feelings and emotions in a positive way. He has his moments for sure. But he’s 7!

I’m just genuinely shocked that after 17 years together I’ve only just worked out that he doesn’t actually believe in patriarchy. Is this a deal breaker? I suppose I’ve kept a lid on a lot of my views - mainly because I get to exercise them a lot in the work that I do so never feel the need to “go off on one” at home, unless I’m responding to a news story or something… but now not only am I not at work but I’m also perimenopausal so in full unfiltered/ unmasked mode!

All the other times he’s huffed when I’ve made similar comments I just thought was his social conditioning making him respond that way so I have challenged him and eventually he’s gone quiet… but now I know he flat out thinks its made up bullshit I mean what am I meant to do? He’s a good person, but clearly has never had his world view challenged as much as I’m challenging him now? Maybe he’s just been humouring me all these years - which make me really quite angry. I just don’t know what to think… or maybe he was trying to wind me up?! Which again isn’t good… or funny…

The thing is OP that none of the things you describe are "the patriarchy", or show that such a thing exists.

It's entirely possible to think there are all kinds of real issues for women without some sort of abstract entity called " the patriarchy. "

It's a bit like ideas such as the invisible hand, or the Treasury of Merit. They have a function as a useful shorthand to describe something that really happens. But there is a real danger of them being reified and imagined as a sort of entity that can lead to very bad analysis. It's common in bad academic writing and I would say it happens commonly with the term patriarchy. You see it used as a kind of explanation without any attempt to describe the actual mechanism involved in whatever people are talking about.

Your husband has no obligation to believe in an invisible force called the patriarchy that drives reality, and there's no reason to describe real things around him in such a vague and useless way.

Patriarchy is becoming one of those words like Narcissist where it’s thrown about so willy -nilly it becomes exhausting having to pick apart whether it’s being used correctly before you even get to the nuts and bolts of what’s actually happening. In terms of what’s happening you’re not wrong but I don’t doubt that the eye rolling comes partly from the terminology
I agree with this. It's not clear what your experience has been with your GP practice but making the generalisation that you have been treated better if you were a man -or is it if the practice was ran by women only?- is just an unfounded assumption.

If you’ve been together a while I feel like this is easily done. Issues like feminism and the patriarchy weren’t as front and centre 10-15 year ago, although OP I acknowledge you will be an exception due to your academic background.

My ex-H became slowly more right wing and red pilled over the 9 years we were together. Listening to Jordan Peterson, complaining constantly about “wokeness” etc. I agree at the cheek of him claiming you’ve been radicalised online when it’s clearly the opposite!

Again, I think "white privilege" is a poor term.

I can see how it might be useful when describing an unwarranted advantage: eg if a white candidate is more likely to get a job because there is racism towards black candidates, then that's an unfair bonus for the white person. True equality in such a situation may feel like something is being taken away from the white person, but it was something they should never have had to begin with.

But when it's applied to eg not having to worry about being hassled by police it doesn't work well. The focus in that context should be improving things for black people, but if you start saying "white privilege" it makes it sound like we should make things worse for white people and you'll alienate the people you are trying win over. And if, in that context, we're talking about white people being ignorant of what it's like to be black and be scared of the police, can't we just say that?

I don't really care if these are accepted terms used by academics and others. They get in the way of finding common ground.

I can't decide if this is satire.

FFS there’s always someone chiming in “what about the menz”!

The NHS is not really fit for purpose generally but women have always, and continue to be, treated more poorly than men. Numerous studies have shown this. Medications which could be given to women excluded women from clinical trials until 1994!

I just cannot believe in this OP.

17 years and 2 children together.
OP has "specialised in women’s studies at university (he knows this!) and that my PhD in domestic abuse"

Despite all this OP, during a lighthearted kitchen chat, discovers her partner thinks, she '"has I’d been brainwashed by all the rubbish on social media into hating men." She wonders if it's a deal breaker.

Apparently she's largely kept her opinions to her workplace apart from the odd rant.

Have they never had a proper conversation before?
Have they not discussed the raising of their two sons not to be sexist arseholes?

The bilge on here!

Didn’t they just discover an additional female organ?

Or they knew about it decades ago. But just decided to delete it. Because who cares about organs in women’s bodies anyway? 😂

If that’s not an example of patriarchy I don’t know what is. Medical patriarchy is pretty black and white.

I would also want to know more on his world view. What he thinks patriarchy means and is, what he does not believe in etc. Patriarchy is like monarchy, it does not require belief in it.

I was wondering if it is just your comment that he disagreed with
made the age old comment “if men went through all this they’d have been treated straight away, but that’s patriarchy for you”

I am a feminist and up on patriarchy, but I do not agree with this comment in the current context of it taking months for a referral from a GP for a non urgent, non life threatening medical condition.

There are people struggling for a lot longer than a few months to get GP referrals for potential cancer or more serious conditions- some are even dying while waiting to be seen. It is lazy to blame delays in healthcare that affect everyone due to an underfunded NHS on ‘the patriarchy’.

"DP then simultaneously eye rolled, exhaled and scoffed"

Who says men can't multitask.

If you don't believe in the patriarchy, white privilege, trans rights, freedom of movement for all and the right for Palestine to be free then you aren't a good person. It's as simple as that.

Hmmmmm. Academic? 14 year olds talk about it in lessons at school and I dont teach sociology.

The thing is that the term "Patriarchy" means massively different things to different people, even between posters on this thread.

Before declaring this to be a "deal breaker", I would suggest having more of a chat with you dh discussing your actual experiences, and why you feel the way you do about them. Terms like Patriarchy just get everyone confused.

For example, I actually think it would be reasonable to say that we no longer live in a Patriarchy, because there are no official laws or government policies which explicitly give more power to men than women. Unlike a few decades ago when for example women could not vote. Sure, we still live in highly sexist society, and women are still disadvantaged in a whole load of ways. But you could argue that this does not constitute a Patriarchy because the sexism is no longer explicitly written into the laws of the land.

We're supposed to believe that highly educated, women's rights focused OP never talks about feminism at home unless she decides to “go off on one”.

Is anyone believing any of this bollocks?

I have so many things to say but I'll just say this. If you are white and female and don't look like you're on heroin or crack, you won't get stopped by the police.

Women are disproportionately affected by NHS waiting lists, making up 57% of the overall elective care backlog and experiencing longer waits than men https://www.england.nhs.uk/2025/07/nhs-publishes-waiting-list-breakdowns-to-tackle-health-inequalities/

Hahahahahahahaha

No.

Patriarchy
Socialism
Capitalism
Democracy
Androcentrism
Plutocracy
Meritocracy
Oligarchy
Matriarchy
Communism
Totalitarianism

They're all theories. Do only some of them exist for you?

I find the term ‘patriarchy’ patronising. In the down side it meant that in all major wars the number of men killed was signifiicant
Demographic Impact: The heavy loss of young men left a lasting imbalance, with the 1921 Census recording 109 women for every 100 men in the UK. 1]
nearly one third of men between the ages of 18 - 40 were killed.
Today, suicide is the greatest killer of men
Suicide is the single leading cause of death for UK men under 50, and men account for approximately 74% of all suicides in the country.
Women have traditionally outlived men because they have had an easier life. Men are catching up though.
I can understand the term patriarchy but like PPs I think it is an unhelpful and dated term.
Fie the past fifty years, well probably forever , the worst performing group in the UK is poor white boys. Their life chances are way poorer than any other group. No one listens and acts though. Andy Burnham might.
I think the way forward is a term that promotes real equality for all. A truly egalitarian society.
Women are much more likely to seek medical help than men.
Overall Consultation Rates: UK general practice data shows that men's crude primary care consultation rates are 32% lower overall than women's (roughly 3,152 consultations per 1,000 person-years for men compared to 4,607 per 1,000 person-years for women).
Even though in terms of serious life threatening illness eg cancer men are more likely to develop cancer ( 1 in 2) Women 1 in 3.
In my opinion, the term Patriarchy is negative and over used. Much like the term narcissist.
It is time for a more realistic approach to equality.

Agree with this. I had a delivery guy I have known for about 2 decades bemoaning his wife of 35 years leaving him and in the same breath saying him and his boys just watch sports and porn every evening now. I wonder why she left?

It is time for a more realistic approach to equality. @Vintlet

Like valuing and rewarding people based on merit (meritocracy)? Because if that happened, women would lead a LOT more than they currently do in a system designed to benefit white, middle class men. I mean, I can take the word patriarchy out of that sentence perfectly well. But the system that I'm describing continues to be white priviledge patriarchy

Yeah he's a prick, increasingly I think a huge majority of men are even the ones good at pretending they're not. My favourite is when they imply women are 'hysterical', you confront them with hard facts and figures as evidence... And they then have a mantrum.

Can't work out if this is satire or just enormous hypocrisy. Good job if it was the former :-)

This.

It’s interesting.

As a POC who has dated men of all races I always had to worry about being with a man who discounts both or either of these things.

Why do you throw in patriarchy into a domestic conversation about getting HRT treatment, we all know the NHS is a mess but a lot of GPs are women and it's not just male doctor's that can't or won't recommend the treatment you may want. As others have said men have trouble getting possible prostate cancer investigated until it is too late is this problem matriarchy?