My MIL comes over once a week to see the children and apparently help out. She lives about an hour and a half away and makes the journey herself. We have never asked her to do this. She actually said to DH that she doesn’t feel she’s getting the full grandma experience because she doesn’t help with the children enough so that’s now it started.
The thing is we really don’t need the help. I earn the same as DH, both quite high earners and we can comfortably afford childcare / afterschool clubs. We have a brilliant nanny who has become like a second grandma to the children. She genuinely goes above and beyond her job and we absolutely love her.
When MIL comes over the nanny is still there doing her job. MIL gets to take the baby out or bake banana bread with our eldest while the nanny does everything else and cleans up afterwards. So MIL gets the fun bits and the nanny deals with the aftermath. If the baking turns into a complete disaster the nanny is the one cleaning banana off the kitchen cupboards. If there’s a poonami the nanny changes it whilst MIL has a cup of tea. I don’t mind this arrangement at all. I think we all understand that we could manage perfectly well without her being there but there’s no need to point that out if it makes her feel better.
Recently MIL has started telling our nanny how to do her job. Not anything particularly serious but lots of little comments about how she should be doing things differently when the nanny is simply following our instructions. For example we expect our children to tidy up one activity (to the extent that they can at their ages) before getting another out. MIL will say things like “Oh don’t make her do that. Grandma’s only here for a little while so let her enjoy herself.” The nanny just says she’s following our instructions and carries on. I’ve told her not to get into a discussion about it. Just smile, say she’s following her employers’ instructions and carry on as normal. Same thing with the baby. We give him vitamins and MIL has told the nanny that she shouldn’t be doing that because babies should get everything they need from food. The nanny is following our instructions. If MIL has a problem with what we decide for our children she can speak to us about it rather than telling the nanny what she should or shouldn’t be doing.
She also makes odd comments about that I feed her “little boy” (aka my over-40yo DH). If we’re having leftovers from the night before MIL will say things like “You’re not all eating leftovers, are you? I can come and cook for you if you’re struggling”. We’re not struggling, we’re using time effectively and cooking for 2 days.
Or “It’s salmon for dinner? He never used to like it as a fillet, I think he’d prefer it in fishcakes, do you need a recipe?” Well he’s not living at home now is he? He’s living with me and our children and I’m not running a restaurant where everyone gets a separate meal. I cook what works for the family. If we’re having curry twice because there’s enough left over then that’s what we’re having. If I know kids will eat salmon as a fillet better than in a fish cake, then we’ll have that. If I tell her this it’s “aw I understand, I just know how much he used to like his food” as if I’m malnourishing him. And for the record, we eat home cooked meals every day, it’s either myself or the nanny cooking (DH often finishes later than I do) and DH actually seems to enjoy it, will often have seconds after everyone has eaten or request a repeat of what we’ve previously made.
DH is much more diplomatic than I am. He’ll say something like “Maybe I like it now Mum” or “It’s just easier to cook something we’ll all eat” but also she rarely makes the comments in front of him, usually just to me and nanny. He does stand up for us and I don’t want to give the impression that he doesn’t but he’s very gentle with her and always tries to keep things pleasant. I’m not like that. I’m quite direct and perfectly happy to say “Look this is our house and this is how we do things. If you don’t like it you don’t have to come over.” I think some of it is probably cultural. I’ve lived here since I was 16 but I’m much more comfortable being blunt about things whereas DH would rather smooth everything over. It’s the same if we disagree with each other - he’ll be diplomatic and smooth things over, I’ll say exactly what I mean and likely in a spicy tone.
I’ve also told DH that I’m not comfortable leaving MIL alone with the children. He agrees that’s fair so the nanny is always there. I don’t particularly trust MIL’s judgement and I’m not going to pretend otherwise just to avoid an awkward conversation.
Whilst I think it’s lovely that she wants a relationship with the children and I appreciate the effort of travelling 3hrs total once a week, we don’t actually need her help. I do think she needs to understand that being Grandma doesn’t make her the boss of our household. DH thinks we should keep things diplomatic and let the nanny carry on ignoring the comments. I think that’s fine up to a point, that point has been reached for me, and I’d like to say something. Our nanny already has the patience of a saint and I don’t see why she should put up with someone getting in the way of her doing her job.
AIBU to say that she either needs to stick to her role of being a guest or the visits will become a lot more rare?