Is autism being used as an excuse for behaviour?

[abracadabra1111]

Child age 5 (not mine) - In school spun around with metal water bottle (like one of those Stanley cup things) which resulted in him wacking two other kids in the head with it. Child then cried about it because he was scared he’d get in trouble.

Childs mother said ‘it’s ok because he’s autistic and can’t help it and thank god we paid privately for the diagnosis so that the school understand his autism’

No punishment or correction to behaviour given.

YABU - Getting carried away at school and ‘accidentally’ wacking two kids is completely acceptable in a 5 year old autistic boy

YNBU - to be mortified that there’s zero compassion towards the two poor sods wacked by the bottle and think that autism is being used as an excuse.

What an original subject for a thread. Riveting. I'll just get my bingo card out. Looks like I'm heading for a full house!

Agree, it's just a silly kid thing. But the parents comment is worrying
" It's 0K"
No it's not. As you say most parents would tell their child to stop being silly.
This parent is using the " diagnosis" as an excuse not to discipline her child and is expecting the school to excuse him too.
I seem to remember when I attended a talk by an eminent psychiatrist that best practice is still to apply a reprimand or sanction
It might be a different reprimand or sanction than you would give to a non autistic child, appropriate to that particular child, but there should be a consistent agreement in place between parents and school about what that should look like.
It is possible to create boundaries for autistic children and it's also important that you he non autistic children in the class see that happening.

That's a bit strange. Why would you automatically wonder about a financial incentive? Where would that idea come from?

Major red flags. Bet she claims dla for him too and went for the highest rates. Thing is autism doesn't magically turn off when with another parent, surprised the nursery/school haven't flagged this unless she's one of those parents who bullies the school to do what she needs.
Its mushaens by proxy. Maybe consider reporting her.

dla. It does happen, if your in that kind of community you see sometimes parents claiming for dla without any real need for DLA. It doesn't happen often but it does happen.

It's the sort of thing that 5 year olds do and very few parents of children with autism would say what you said she said. There are some parents of all children who don't deal with incidentss appropriately and maybe she is one of those.

She hasn’t mentioned any financial incentives but her and her husband are minted (200k+ combined income).
The mum though has always been manipulative and a huge attention seeker. I can’t say too much because of outing but I had a significant trauma months ago with my child which meant the spotlight wasn’t on her/her child and suddenly he’s autistic…

I was so shocked to read the ‘professional assessment’, it was like reading a children’s story book. My niece is going through the NHS for her diagnosis and it’s completely different, more rigorous and robust.

I have had children assessed via NHS and private routes (latter due to 5 year waiting list now). The private assessment was far more thorough, the report much much longer and generally much more indepth and helpful.

No one goes for private assessment just because they have a small inkling that their child might be autistic. You only do it if you're basically 100% sure because who in their right mind would pay several thousand if they weren't sure.

Re dla my child assessed privately already got dla due to their need so private assessment won't change this. It will provide more advice for me and school to support needs.

In that situation I would say that’s kids being kids and just an accident that hopefully the child will learn from and won’t swing the cup round again.

But I do know several families who absolutely use their children’s autism as an excuse for their behaviour and never deal with the actual behaviour.

There are good and bad private providers. Some private reports are shocking and they've barely met the child, others are detailed and clearly know the child well and have tested extensively.

This is interesting.. yes I definitely feel the diagnosis is used as an excuse for poor parenting but I am interested to hear from others to get a different perspective especially from those with autistic children.

Recently a family member took mum and child out for lunch, mum gifted the family member a box of chocolates while at lunch. Child did not eat lunch (paid for by family member) but grabbed box of chocolates out of family member’s bag and started chomping on them. Family member too polite to tell kid off (and knows that they will likely get reprimanded for telling Timmy off) so didn’t say anything. Mum encouraged the chocolate theft saying that ‘it’s cute’ and ‘it’s part of his autism being fussy with food’..

You seem to know a lot about this family.

Are you friends with the mother? Why was she sending you voice notes about her child's diagnosis? Doesn't sound like you particularly like this woman or her child.

Your thread title seems like you are asking a general question about every child with autism and their parenting, but it seems like you are actually asking about this particular child.

I have a child with autism, if you accept the diagnosis of course, and he is parented and poor behaviour is not excused. This thread just seems like an excuse for people to wheel out the usual dislike of autistic children and express their personal bug bear with the parents of autistic children, or schools, or SENCOs, or whatever else is bugging them today about the state of society.

Indeed. It’s a very very close family member who I speak with several times day (voice notes etc) so I hear all the excuses and inconsistencies…

Maybe they have known each other years - older children, same nursery, NCT group, maybe they are family? Presumably, OP has kept it vague for obvious reasons.

OP - I am autistic and I work with children. Do you think his mum rewrote the autism assessment report? Or made it up? She sounds a bit useless. Any child can behave differently with each parent - does he seem happier and freer with Mum or Dad?

I think the issue is that his mum doesn't understand that autistic children also need explanations and corrections of their behaviour, and to apologise.

Ah, crossed posts.

We have an NHS diagnosis. I note that whilst your niece is going through the process, she does not yet have one. I assure you if and when she does, it will be written to the child in the same way. I'm not quite sure how and why you have read the diagnosis, I would have said "no thank you" if presented with another child's personal medical information.

As to the style of parenting, its poor. Autism presents in a number of ways so I don't think you can speak generically but in my DCs case, the accident (the contact with the water bottle) would have occured and my DC told to apologise and be more careful. The other child would have been told it would be sensible to stand further away so as to avoid an issue arising in the future. But accidents happen. Whether a child is neurotypical or has a diagnosis.

The relevance of a diagnosis in my DCs case would be that if the individual who had been hit got overly upset or reacted excessively, my DC would have said "it was just a water bottle, it's not a big deal" and had minimal empathy.

As the parent of a diagnosed (and even when undiagnosed, the schools understanding of the pathway) was a godsend.

You seem highly bitter towards this family - I'm not sure why their income is relevant.

oh here we go another autism parenting bash

I know plenty of non autistic 5 yo boys that would probably make similar reckless decisions it's completely unrelated to him being autistic and equally there are plenty of parents who also wouldn't do anything about it even without an 'excuse' of asd.

also if it happened in school the teachers would have dealt with it already. But you aren't really clear on that bit

She sounds really annoying, I wouldn't have the patience to interact with her several times a day. Can you cut back on communication if she constantly uses autism as an excuse for not bothering to parent?

Of course in the water bottle incident the child should be reminded to be more careful and not swing bottles near to other people and an apologise to the two kids who got hit. It sounds like it wasn't deliberate and he's still very young, so didn't need a telling off, but he still needs adults in his life to point out how his actions can be unsafe. It's probably not the best idea for him to have a metal water bottle if the swinging is some sort of regulating behaviour for him.

I always hear ASD and ADHD are not a excuse for bad behaviour. They are a reason ! They are neurological disorders that prevent some children and adults being able to control their behaviour and impulses or make age appropriate choices . Some ppl with ASD won't have behaviour issues my son doesn't he's a angel but struggles with simple tasks and social interactions full stop. My daughter is a absolute nightmare behaviour wise she can't help it . We and school do teach her and have made some progress with her recognising emotions and triggers,and their are always consequences and restorative resolution after a incident but it doesn't 'cure' her or prevent it as her brain just does not function the same way as a NT child. It's a disability and its a lonely hard road that ppl shrug off and think isn't real . It's a disability.

Things that didn't happen.

Childs mother said ‘it’s ok because he’s autistic and can’t help it and thank god we paid privately for the diagnosis so that the school understand his autism’

Bitching about a family member on social media is always a good look.

Depends on the private provider, massively. My son (who has severe ADHD) we had diagnosed privately because he was so bonkers he was a danger to himself and the NHS waiting lists were huge. The private doc barely looked at him and was like here's a bill for a few grand, what diagnosis do you want. There are 100% unethical docs out there, and even 'clinics' providing diagnoses which are not worth the paper they are written on (as none of the professionals are qualified to diagnose). One near me which parted a friend of mine from £10k and she was horrified when the NHS doc gently explained to her it wasn't worth the paper it was written on. Even though it was many sheets of paper.

Anyways with regards @abracadabra1111 - you're being goady with your title. You're talking about one person. Most of us with SEN kids try our best to control them, just like most people with neurotypical kids try and teach them good behaviour.

Though for you and all the other parents who don't have SEN kids you might not appreciate that what works for a neurotypical kid (yelling at them, consequences) may not work for a SEN kid. If my kid had swung a water bottle I'd have taken the water bottle off him, made him apologize, warned him about being careful and then taken him home to do a social story about why not to swing a water bottle. You wouldn't see this part so would assume I'd just let it slide. Believe me I'd much prefer if I could do what I do with my other kid and tell him off and it not happen again but that sadly doesn't work. The parenting SEN parents have to do is, believe me, way way harder than conventional parenting.

I’m so fucked off with it all, it’s almost a daily occurrence.

100% this. I don’t know if people use autism as an excuse for poor behaviour (my son is autistic and is beautifully behaved, and he has never and would never hurt anyone), but I am increasingly seeing people using someone else’s autism diagnosis as an excuse to slag off that child/their parents on online forums.