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Original poster

To have left my boyfriend asleep in bed, and driven home in the middle of the night because I couldn't get to sleep at his house?

229 replies

MrsBetsyTrotwood · Today 00:23

I've been seeing my boyfriend for about eight lovely months and so far it's going really well. We get on amazingly, like the same things, have the same sense of humour and have lots of fun. He treats me so nicely.
But we just have totally different sleep styles. He likes to fall asleep with a lamp on, while listening to something, I need total darkness and quiet.
I've asked him nicely if we can have the light off and he's turned it off which I know he doesn't like, and I feel bad asking him not to watch something on his phone too since it's his house, so he doesn't know I hate it. He sleeps deeply and falls asleep quickly so usually I just lean over him and turn it off, or wait for it to end before I go to sleep.
He sometimes does this thing though where he wakes in the night, presses play on his phone and goes back to sleep, and then doesn't remember having done that.
Tonight, I wanted for his thing to finish, then just as I was drifting off, he presses play again and goes back to sleep. Then his bloody dog started moving about, clattering his paws on the laminate floor, chewing something and scratching. Every time it stopped, I would drift off and it would start again. Then bf turns his thing back on again seemingly in his sleep, then the dog jumps onto the bed, realises I'm there and there's no room, jumps back off again and goes back to chewing his toy and grunting. Then BF starts snoring. And I really wanted a window open for a bit of breeze.
It was almost midnight by this point, and I thought sod it. I was tired. We'd had the loveliest long hike with the dog today followed by a massive dinner and I just wanted sleep. I jumped back in my car and drove home and I can't tell you how nice it is to be back in my own familiar bed, in the dark and quiet., and all to myself.
I feel so bad as waking up together in the morning is so so nice and snuggly. He brings me tea in bed and we just cuddle and watch TV and he cooks me breakfast. I sent a text saying I was so sorry but I just couldn't sleep and I'd come straight back in the morning but it's not the same as waking up and having a lie in together.
Is it possible to get used to sharing a bed again after being so used to your own habits? And is my relationship doomed if I can't even sleep next to him?
And can I tell him to change everything he's used to and banish his dog who I love and has always slept there? Because I don't feel I can

OP posts:
sunshinebelieve · Today 14:19

Ear plugs, eye mask and communicate - I’d be really hurt if my other half just left in the night.

Achangetoplan1 · Today 14:21

MustTryHarderAndHarder · Today 13:43

If everything else is fine, then I would only move in with him if you can have separate bedrooms.

There is no way that you can sleep together as your habits are so different.

Hopefully that’s a long long way off given she has a child and he currently lives in a one room studio.

gamerchick · Today 14:24

Justthethingsthatyoudointhisgarden · Today 12:06

You both sound like really nice people so I don't know why others are being so harsh! I have had insomnia for around 20 years and have to have certain podcasts on to soothe me to sleep. The volume is set so they're only just audible to me, DH cannot hear it. The dog sleeps on the bed and DH has been very understanding about this (dog predates husband). You can work around these things.

Suggesting people are babies, or childish, when they've suffered trauma is pretty nasty.

Nobodies trauma is worth sacrificing sleep for. The onus is on them to find something that meets that need and doesn't disturb their bed partner. It's not on the partner to plug up ears and wear facemasks.

You found something. The OPs bloke just didn't even give it a first thought.

Achangetoplan1 · Today 14:25

Anyone else shudder at “back with my man”? Or just me?

Goodmorningeveryone26 · Today 14:31

MrsBetsyTrotwood · Today 08:33

Morning all,
So I am back in my lovely man's bed and he is cooking me breakfast.
He was up when I came back, and outside letting the dog have a wee. He had a massive smile when he saw me pull up and said he didn't think I'd come back.
So I told him everything that's wrong and he said he was really sorry he's keeping me awake but also asked why I didn't tell him. He ordered one of those sleep headband earphones things off Amazon on next day delivery there and then and said he can have the light off, he prefers it on but it's not big deal if I can't cope with it but he really can't sleep in silence.

Only problem is the dog. It a large studio flat, and the dog is elderly, traumatised from past abuse and used to being near him, they were each others close companions for years with him being single and he'd just howl and whine all night if they were apart and there's only the kitchen and bathroom to shut him in. He says we'll come up with ways to keep him quieter but it's the jumping on and off the bed for me too.

He can't come to mine because the dog can't be left overnight as he's used to him and he needs to be taken outside early morning, and he can't bring him to my flat because my lease doesn't allow animals.

So we'll try again next weekend but if it doesn't work, we'll just have to abandon sleepovers until the dog dies, bless him. He's 14 now.

Oh and btw, he's not a man baby, he's a grown man who takes care of me and is very kind and responsible. He has a lovely home which he keeps spotless and a good job he works hard at. But he is ex military and I think there's some issues there which effect his sleep. He's opening up about this bit by bit but I don't have the full story yet. So please do not judge.

boyfriend sounds lovely, I’m so pleased for you. Not meaning to be harsh but if the dog’s old it won’t be around for that much longer presumably. Sounds like you and BF will work it out as you’re obviously both compromising and communicating well . Good luck :)

Original poster
MrsBetsyTrotwood · Today 14:52

Achangetoplan1 · Today 11:03

Well maybe he should wait until he’s in a better financial condition to afford more than a one room studio
unless you’re going to say it’s a studio in Chelsea

Show quote history

Oh.... YOU THINK?? 🤣🤣🤣

Well thank goodness you're here to give completely unsolicited advice to a couple you've never met because we were totally planning to both live together in my boyfriends studio flat and have six kids there and it never would have occured to us to maybe wait until we were ready, sell both our properties and buy something together and then have kids.

Have you got any more gems of wisdom that noone thought of before you got here? You could change the world

PS, not that it's any of your business but yes, it is a very nice area of the city and it's a really beautiful flat

OP posts:
MrsBetsyTrotwood · Today 14:54

This reply has been deleted

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Achangetoplan1 · Today 14:56

Wow….

Original poster
MrsBetsyTrotwood · Today 15:02

Goaliestar · Today 12:03

I hope it works out for you.
Sleep is very important and not to be dismissed.
You have a child that needs mum rested and well.
I hope things improve with the actions he has taken.

They do sound like a type of sleep anxiety soothers that he uses to help him.
Take your time.

Definitely do not consider another child quickly and before marriage.
You have survived being dumped once while pregnant, which must have been awful.

Your priority needs to be yourself and your daughters security, long before you consider another child with him.

His timeline is not your primary concern.
So many women on MN get left, unmarried, holding a baby, they agreed to have far too quickly, plunging THEM back into the baby stage, again, alone.

Women take the hit with career, pension etc., when they have a child.
Do not be rushed into anything.

Clear cool head is required.
Good luck.

Thank you.

We are not rushing into anything at all. It's been 8 months and we are taking it slow. He hasn't even met my daughter yet.

My daughter has always been my priority and I've focused on her for 6 years, which is why I've never even contemplated a relationship for pretty much the whole of my twenties, but I met this man by chance and I'm really enjoying our relationship.

Naturally we've talked about what we want. That doesn't mean we're going to do it tomorrow.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsBetsyTrotwood · Today 15:42

Achangetoplan1 · Today 14:25

Anyone else shudder at “back with my man”? Or just me?

I think it's just you, being condescending and quite nasty on several comments for no reason 🤷

OP posts:
Pinkflamingo10 · Today 15:59

cartagenagina · Today 08:54

You both need to compromise a bit, or accept that you are simply incompatible.

They shouldn’t throw away a good thing just because they have different sleep needs ?!!!
these are not insurmountable, maybe they just always need a spare room that someone can go and sleep in whenever they need peace and quiet.
many’s a night I left my boyfriends bed so I could get much better quality sleep in my own bed
That was decades ago and we’re now married with three children ❤️

FedUpCelery · Today 16:06

Op, it sounds like you've made a massive step in your relationship today. You've managed to communicate your needs, he has listened and you've both managed to talk about it. What he needs, what you need, what can be compromised or worked on.

It's a big lesson to you both in how important communication is and you've both navigated it in a really collaborative and positive way.

It was great that you conveyed to him the reason you had gone home and that you would be back. He didn't take offense at this and was instead open to a conversation, while getting back to the morning routine you both enjoy.

These are all very good things....

Suchevilforebodings · Today 17:13

I think you seem like a sweet couple, who are obviously worried about both getting hurt and of hurting each other. This is understandable as from what you've said, you both don't have much relationship experience, particularly him.

But you're doing all the right things, just keep those lines of communication open and you'll be fine, I wish you all the best!

Suchevilforebodings · Today 17:17

Achangetoplan1 · Today 11:03

Well maybe he should wait until he’s in a better financial condition to afford more than a one room studio
unless you’re going to say it’s a studio in Chelsea

Show quote history

What an odd thing to say.

People buy what they want and need. It doesn't mean he couldn't afford anything else. It just means he bought a property that was right for him.

Why buy a three bedroom house as a single young man with no children?

A studio flat is perfectly adequate and manageable. And it's really quite sensible to keep your costs low so you have more money for other things or to save.

A very strange assumption.

And anyway, even if a studio flat is all he can afford on his own, that doesn't mean he can't afford a perfectly adequate family home with a partner.

Or are you saying the man must provide everything for little wifey? If so, it's no longer the 1950s.

Tuesdayschild50 · Today 17:57

Couldn't sleep with a light on and sound from whatever he is watching thats a lot.. sometimes we just have to change a few things ..does he have a spare room you can go asleep in there then go back in in the morning .. as long as you both get good rest is what matters.

DebbieSavage · Today 17:59

This sounds like auditory sleep deprivation which is classified as abuse. Are you sure you're with a nice guy?

FlyingCatGirl · Today 18:04

This reply has been deleted

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40andcounting · Today 18:19

I sleep with an eye mask now and an ear bud. My issue is I need to distract myself from thoughts whilst going to sleep and the same if I wake in the night otherwise my head and thoughts keep me awake. When I left my marriage 6 years ago my anxiety was through the roof (now realise it was peri kicking off) and I slept to music as it was the only way. Once I met my new partner I'd never leave it on as thats not fair to him so I play music or audio book through an earbud. He likes the fan on so we compromise and have it at half the blasting he loves.
I hated hearing his son's old dog wandering round too.
What does he do if he stays at yours or is it that he doesn't because of the dog. If he won't compromise he isn't the one but an eye mask and ear plugs are essential for you

FlyingCatGirl · Today 18:20

LowlandLucky · Today 09:43

Humans need dark and quiet to rest and repair. If he can't change his ways it may be time to end it.

Another one that thinks people should be dumped over any little thing? How many relationships have you had? You must have a terrible life exiting relationships every 5 minutes because you can't cope with any imperfection in a partner! Or you are a liar that likes stirring the pot in someone else's relationship! Too many of you on here tell people to dump everybody over every little thing!

DebbieSavage · Today 18:29

Ugh, just read one of the OP's updates and it gets worse, the man is ex-military. OP you need to leave this man, no good will come from being in a relationship from someone who used to work in a job that involves possibly killing people.

And that ex girlfriend story seems so brazenly cliche too.

Lucyintheskywithnoidea · Today 18:36

Achangetoplan1 · Today 14:56

Wow….

You’ve been rude to op throughout this thread. You absolutely deserved that.

SquidgyPudge · Today 18:57

DebbieSavage · Today 18:29

Ugh, just read one of the OP's updates and it gets worse, the man is ex-military. OP you need to leave this man, no good will come from being in a relationship from someone who used to work in a job that involves possibly killing people.

And that ex girlfriend story seems so brazenly cliche too.

What an abhorrent thing to say. You do know it's people like "this man" that fought to keep our country free?

SleepThiefSlayer · Today 19:53

OP do you think your partner would consider white or pink noise? Could try an app or video first before investing in a machine. It’s a lot less intrusive than music or videos. I never thought I could sleep with any kind of sound but after two babies, one really needed white noise to block out their older sibling even I’m so used to it I can’t now easily sleep without it!

BooBooDoodle · Today 19:58

I can’t sleep properly anymore (perimenopause) so I sleep with an ear bud in and watch things on my iPad on low light to fall asleep. I can be exhausted but take hours to fall asleep and I wake always at 2pm and struggle for an hour before nodding off again. Sound and visuals aid my sleep but back in the day I had to have dark and silence. I think those calling your BF a baby for having a light and listening to music are twunts with little to no understanding. Sleep however you get it is better than no sleep at all. You are both different sleepers. My DH can fall asleep in seconds but light and getting hot disturbs him. He wears a sleep band which he listens to a podcast and it blacks out any light given off from my iPad until it shuts off.